ARTEMIS FOWL TRAILER 2

>At least Mulch looks alright,
Mulch is a "giant dwarf" (???) and looks like he's some suave badass thief instead of being a shit covered hairy fart monster

This is pretty much every American historical attempt to plagiarize British storytelling. Tim Burton's a good example of this

More like “Fart and Piss Towel”

I can accept him being a different size since I don't remember it having an impact on the story, as long as they use the budget saved for something more important (they probably didn't). Personally I think he looks more drunk hobo than badass thief, but to each their own.

Hahaha its your turn now kiddies. I've spent the last two decades watching my childhood burnt to ashes, onto the next generation.

I enjoyed the books as a kid. Looking back the books were kinda shit also... so I'm alright with this

Retarded idea time: cast an older skinny kid (like 17-ish)
with a high voice to play artemis and use forced perspective to make him look shorter, this way the kid might be able to actually act.

His voice is way too gravelly cool sounding, in my mind he sounds like Stimpy

I'm glad this came out after I stopped caring about adaptations of books

Holy shit this looks retarded

>kiddies
>first AF book was released in 2001.

I was 11 when I read these and I'm 30 now.

Does Disney have a grudge against potato niggers or something? Jesus Christ this is awful.

What the FUCK were they thinking? This trailer is like a Yea Forums green text come to life. It's only a matter of time before that Tom Cruise Cthulu trailer shitpost is memed into reality as well.

The girl looks cute.

Thanks, I hate it.

Was just about to say, the only redeeming thing about it.

>look it up
>newcomer with no material other than this film
Damn it

Are brap aficionados attracted to Artemis Fowl dwarves? Or are they too cowardly?

Weird! Never read the series. I always assumed it was about a duck.

There's something funny about deciding to cast the family of servants as a bunch of blacks for forced diversity.

He was already an Asian in the books, so they could've had their token minority for the virtue signalling checkbox but I guess having anyone with slant eyes whose main feature is doing martial arts is too close to doing a racism so a black indentured servant it is.

People should complain Disney is unwilling to cast Asian men as strong, physically imposing, masculine characters and default to nigs for it. Would definitely bother certain demographics lel

the race and gender swaps are even more fucking baffling because they work contrary to the current sort of milquetoast woke corporate playbook. holly is now white, the explicitly part-asian (potentially china audience pandering) butlers are now black, and root is a woman which completely removes holly's girl power arc of proving she is a good cop and not just a gi jane diversity hire.
it makes sense now seeing the trailer, since its now clear they flat out gutted everything from the books other than character and location names.

>artemis showing emotion
>artemis surfing

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Is his mother dead in the movie?

>Artemis Sr.: You're all I have now, Arty.

Baffling is the word for it. An actual beloved girl power arc thrown away? For Judi Dench? Lmao

It should have been a cartoon series

is this novel series actually good? should i pick it up?

It was pretty fun as a child. Don't know how it would hold up as an adult.

the eternity cube one is still kino

Good for a kid's series, but it doesn't hold up desu

As far as YA stuff goes the first 3 were a lot of fun. You could probably blow through a pdf of book 1 in a couple of hours.

Good as a child, might be entertaining as an adult?

The later ones weren't as good, but maybe I was just growing out of it.

Nah, the later ones just weren't as good.

Never read the book, but the trailer looked like they mashed together Harry Potter with Spy Kids.

Cute girl

>reshoots where the main character's voice has dropped
ya hate to see it

my imagination was better

mulch is a flesh coloured bumpy blob thing

elves were dark brown and three feet tall

didn't even see foaly

just as well

they'd fuck up a centaur too and that shit is easy

>First book
Artemis Sr. is a criminal and goes missing for several years, presumed dead. Artemis decides to take up the family business as his mother goes insane with grief and drowns herself in drugs and alcohol.

After a couple years of that, Artemis learns about the magical underworld and kidnaps a fairy and ransoms them for gold. The fairies make a team to infiltrate and rescue her, or if things go too badly, drop a magic nuke on the mansion.

The first one or two are worth a read. It's YA so temper your expectations, but the author has some genuinely great ideas worked in there and a lot of fun characters.

I want Juliet to dominate me in the ring.

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I dont mind nigga butler, he looks good in the role. Obviously being a Disney production in this age you have to have some black dudes in it, its not like theres many other characters to choose from.

>tfw you've been waiting 20 years for Disney to take a shit on your childhood
You forgot to put webm related

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>Artemis and Holly are allies from the start
D R O P P E D

They've changed everything that gave the book any appeal or originality at all. Why the fuck even call it Artemis Fowl at this point?

Get people to talk about it I guess.

The most common crackpot cope hypothesis I've read so far is that "Artemis's dad" in this movie is actually Artemis II from the book, and Artemis in this movie is Artemis III.

>"giant dwarf"
budget reasons?

Why couldn't we have had a netflix animation or anime adaptation instead?

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I'd bet money it was originally an original story but they managed to get the rights so they changed it in an attempt to cash in on nostalgia. Except they butchered it and the people who read the books are older than the given rating now, so it's going to be an easy loss.

>ruining a distinctly European story with anime

Shut the fuck up wh*toid

>he doesn't know about the frogs

>Artemis is literally evil in the first book
>Artemis's father is also evil
>now hes actually a secret hero successor to his father who is a secret superhero protector

I JUST WANTED GOLD HEIST KINO AND SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN HOLLY AND ARTEMIS WTF BROS

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Thats the only thing that could salvage this shit. Maybe after the Sonic backlash they tried the same shit to get people talking about the movie, next trailer then reveals the real plot. But i dont think Disney is that smart.

fat chance. this shit is already shot.

>and root is a woman which completely removes holly's girl power arc of proving she is a good cop and not just a gi jane diversity hire.
What if Holly is trans now.

That's literally the only way this could be salvaged, because having Holly introduce herself to Artemis as his "ally" is a wet dickslap in the face to the entire series.

It's good cope, but Disney would never try something with this much risk

Couldn’t work if you actually read the books.

I'd still hate it.

someday if you have a dream you can write your own book and then people with no talent can just steal it anyway

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I'd be happy if other people read it and like it.

the real joy is fucking cosplayers dressed as the waifus you create

but the cosplayers are always inferior to the waifu you had in mind

This is the truth

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not cute enough to lure me watch this shit

But Holly is Artemis's ally and not his mum. Series had canon /ss/. This can't be a sequel.

Also is the rumor mill is Disney is just shitting this out so they can timeskip to movies about the little brothers that star in the sequel series they're publishing and in that shit, Artemis is only in his 20s.

And getting married to them, apparently. I think there's like at least 3 manga authors that got married to fans of their work.

So since we know they gutted the social messaging of the books, do you think they gutted the environmental messaging too?

Will Holly not shit in the woods?

They won’t get the chance, this is peak flop.

The only way I'm going to see this movie is if halfway through there's a sex scene (with full frontal and on-screen penetration) in which Holly completely doms Artemis despite her small size

in fairness, those guys basically never get any free time

Ken Akamatsu and who else?

>Race Switching his buddy
????

The other two I was thinking of weren't actually manga authors. One is the light novel author of that Shogi Loli series, and the other is ZUN, though the ZUN's wife being a fan of 2hu was just a rumor I think.

>And I am Holly Short, your ally
Fuck off.

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Oda's wife cosplays as Nami

lol i forgot that was coming out.
great book, even if its part of the million reasons why girls are so stupid and quirky these days cause they want to be different and cute, but different and cute as all the other girls

youtube.com/watch?v=wXlBep9uFjI
>father not shown at all in the older teaser

So was that bit just added in last minute, or what? Still had that weird bow and Artemis holding a magic gun thing though.

>shit covered hairy fart monster
Kek. Mulch is so based

i hadn't seen anything about this adaptation but all of that is retarded enough for me to accept at face value

Do elves have rabbit like turds? Little pellets? Or do they have surprisingly bulky chunkers? It's probably very healthy for a mud man to consume in any case. I wonder what a cut elf's poop would taste like haha

they didn’t make it 10-15 years ago. I knew it was going to be shit if they waited this long.

It’s like Disney just spins a wheel to select which IP to rape next at this point.

Imagine being handed a billion dollar idea for pennies and still fucking up. Who are these people fucking up the books? I’LL WRITE YOU A SCRIPT FOR FREE YOU HACKS!

what if this is a fake trailer?

>Series had canon /ss/.
Didn't that last just one book, time magic was involved, and both of them agreed it was weird as fuck and they should just forget it ever happened?

Nope. There was memory fuckery and tsundere will they won’t they, but it’s pretty clear by the end where it is going.

Nobody involved in this project read the books.

I read a good number of these books as a kid.
Should I go back, start them over again and finish it out? Do they hold up as an adult or would I just ruin my fond memories of them?

Jesus Christ Disney, why are you like this? Used to be my favorite studio as a kid. What a fall from grace

1-4 are genuinely solid books. They’re still YA so don’t expect the best prose in the world but in terms of comfort food enjoyment with surprisingly imaginative concepts, you’ll like it. 5 is batshit insane but still fairly good. Everything after that goes downhill.

1-4 form a good ending by the way, if that scares you.

I JUST WANTED A FUCKING REVERSE HEIST MOVIE

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>it's kiddie shit/YA so don't expect much
Narnia and many other older kids' books weren't poorly-written relative to other fiction of the time. When exactly did "oh, but it's for kids" become an acceptable crutch for bad writers to try to make their name?

>20 years too late
>intentionally fucking up every aspect of it
This is a tax write off movie and you can’t convince me otherwise

Because of snobs like you who think that simple to read books ruin the genuinely great ideas behind them.

Shitsney strikes again

THE BOY IS INSANELY CUTE

>open thread
>see Yea Forums cant into music
>close thread

Rap is not music, it is the ramblings of broken farm equipment in desperate need of a field to tend to

>that glorious feel when Charlie Bone flew under the mainstream radar completely
>not even a BBC series
Feels fucking good. Sorry about Artemis, user.

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>both of them agreed it was weird as fuck and they should just forget it ever happened?
Yes, but neither of them could fucking do it and the creator laid the groundwork for immortal humans *wink wink nudge nudge* so any pretense of them not inevitably hooking up went out the window.

They hold up as well as anything. The early books are good and the later books aren't going to ruin them. They're just bad in their own right. This isn't Star Wars or something where later elements completely fuck earlier elements. Also even the later books have their moments if you're into the world and characters. It's pretty much just the plot that is bad.

That isn't what I said, user. A book with simple prose but great ideas wouldn't be unfit for an adult to read.
I guess I already know the answer to my question, it's Harry Potter. It's similar to the massive amount of low quality romance novels for wine aunts, lots of opportunistic authors trying to appeal to a popular and undiscerning audience, except "it's bad because it's for kids" is a much more acceptable defense than "it's bad because it's for women".

Thinking Netflix would be any better

Not gonna fucking lie, I'd fucking settle for just an illustrated rerelease of the novels. Ideally with some of the stupid taken out of the last few books via time magic. Like if Colfer wants to do a book 9 that retcons the fuck out of the series and then rerelease a the books in new timeline format with pictures, I'm fucking on board.

Reminder that the series went off the rails because Eoin got cold feet about Artemis going full /ss/ with Holly. Time travel, memory loss, world resetting, all of it could have been avoided if he just gave him the elf puss.

Fucking Ruined

The first 3 books are solid fantasy/crime novels and are easily worth your time. Everything after that varies in quality.

1-3 hold up well. The 4th and 5th books have their moments. I reread the whole series a few years ago over the course of few days and I felt like it was worth my time.

I know nothing about it but I feel like Artemis Fowl is just "your kid is too smart to read Harry Potter but too dumb to read Narnia"

hit me with those spicy (You)s

The first book serves as a great template to the world and characters and establishes a lot of potential for worldbuilding but they dont become fully realized until the third installation,
and the books decline in quality after the fourth one. But the fourth one is also one of the Most entertaining books Ive ever read so

No, that’s about right. Doesn’t mean Narnia is better, though.

Sort of. Narnia is actually a fuckload simpler to read than most remember. Which isn't a bad thing. Most of Tolkien's criticisms of Narnia hold true.
Artemis Fowl is just good fun. Its not high art.

It's Die Hard with fairies

>im your ally, holly short
What is this garbage. Fucking hell. Let me fix this mess.
>movie opens with an elf flying towards a small pale boy browsing irish Yea Forums in his room
>im hollly, please fuck my tight brown elf-hole with your pasty mud man cock
>literally uncensored full penetration elf /ss/ for the next two hours
>juliet is occasionally shown masturbating outside the room
>sex finishes
>abrupt cut to based Mulch who burps and farts as the screen fades to black
>the end
>after credits scene that is exposition explaining the rest of the plot and characters

I remember reading all these books but I don't remember a single thing that happened in them.

Hey it looks like the Artemis Fowl fanfiction community wrote the script. Still better than Disney.

It's pretty much the norm for Hollywood to shit all over your childhood favourites

Shame, because the first book would have been a good stand alone film, because we sure as fuck won't be getting sequels.

It's been a fuck of a while since I read the first Narnia book but I don't remember it being horribly intelligent.

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Is time paradox in the top 4 because that was kino and almost as good as the first.

If it was done right they could have had at least 4 easy moneymakers. The real challenge would be unfucking the rest.

That’s 5. I can understand why it would be someone’s favorite because its the most unique out of all of them.

>imagine liking a franchise where the main character is either a kid or teenager and everything revolves around him and how special he is

Yikes

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>too dumb to read Narnia
I finished Narnia at age 10. It's about as advanced as the fucking Hobbit. How in the fuck would you rank that above Artemis Fowl or even Harry Potter? FFS at least use A Wrinkle in Time if you wanted heavily Christian influenced children's lit.

Also Artemis Fowl is more for 12-15 year olds. It's YA.

Imagine being a midwit who feels the need to impress others with their “maturity”

>I only read works where the main character is a mature adult like me a fellow mature adult because I am very serious and not at all childish

I guess you don't like the OT Star Wars movies then.

3>1>2>5>4>8>6>7

3=4>2>1>5>POWERGAP>6>8>7

Spot the Ledditors

Good luck getting published in the current year

youtube.com/watch?v=yeiIbNGciUo&t=3s

There is nothing more reddit then a midwit.

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>hiphop
>"""music"""

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1>6>3>2>4>5 the others are mediocre

>speaking words
>it's not even good poetry
>niggers consider this music
No wonder the didn't even invent the wheel.

>1 at the top
RARE

Yes. If you read exclusively comic books or YA books over the age of 16 you're stunted in development.

My lad Bartimaeus also seems to have dodged it

I dropped off after lost colony, how does Artemis and Holly's relationship develop from there?

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>exclusively
Look at the goalposts! Look at em go! It’s alright champ when you get a bit older you’ll learn to appreciate imperfection again. In the meantime, please circlejerk on reddit.

Size difference - mating press - hand holding - I hope

The Blue Rinse was such a cool idea, a bio bomb that leaves architecture intact

Confession but then another reset timeloop bullshit. The Holly X Artemis storyline and Eoin’s refusal to give /ourguy/ the elf puss is the biggest reason the series went sour. We have to cope in canon subtext, speculation of the future and fanfiction.

Maybe he’s advanced it in the new Fowl Twin series, I don’t know.

looks like pure trash. way to shit all over the books, Disney

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I feel like I'm the only person in the world that saw grudging respect/friendship and nothing else

Artemis accidentally raped Holly because of his autism. Their entire relationship was annihilated and Holly didn't show up again except for an offhanded mention in the last chapter.

It doesn't make any sense that the kid has a suit, that fits him perfectly at his current age, if his dad doesn't want him to be apart of his operations.

that would have been better writing then what this trailer is showing

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You and the author, apparently, even though he teased us to fuck in every book after the original.

>tfw they all start flossing
Based Disney saving another dead franchise!

lil arty walked in on holly getting mulchs bdc and offed himself
holly named her and mulchs son artemis
butler was gay the entire time

I mean even for children's books these were kind of shit to begin with but this is just awful. It completely misses the reasons the character was the slightest bit likeable.

If a cute girl is the main supporting character to a male protagonist, 99% of readers are expecting them to end up together.

Just read the plot synopsis of Fowl Twins, Eoin literally puts Artemis on Mars so he doesn’t have to answer the Holly question.

>Couldn’t work if you actually read the books.
It easily works if you ignore the fuck out of almost all the books and keep the bones so you can have his goodie two shoes son relive his adventures beat for beat.

source?

I've only seen this level of avoidance of romantic commitment in a fictional work in beta escapist Japanese writers who self-insert on the protagonist. A shit adaptation is only icing on the cake for your poor Fowlfags, the author already had you cucked in the main work.

For anyone curious:
reddit.com/r/ArtemisFowl/comments/du8x92/i_really_appreciate_this_one_way_the_fowl_twins/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body
>inb4 reddit

Fowlfags understand that the series went downhill around the fifth book. 90% of us just want Artemis X Holly resolution.
>Source: I’m one of the few assholes who actually checks up on the community even in death.

Thoughts?

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Not muh Holly. But nobody was ever going to be. I would have been fine with her if the movie was book accurate. Even Black Butler would have been acceptable, if he had muscle.

Larry Fine?

what the fuck, I only vaguely remember the first book from 15 years ago but I remember it was about Artemis taking the fairy hostage in return for gold. What is this crap, that's not the story I remember

Eurasian.
He's named for a Slavic deity and supposed to be able to blend in anywhere.

Is she a conehead?
Under no circumstances would black butler be acceptable. Don't concede an inch to those parasites

>Not just adapting the magical kidnapping kino that was the first book
>cramming Opal and father's storyline into the plot
>Holly doesn't have deliciously light brown skin
>No Foaly
>Black Butler

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This. The entire thing about Butler's appearance is he could blend in anywhere except he is almost 7 feet tall. If he was a normal height you would never pick him out.

so Mulch is basically just Hagrid

The Virgin Afro Babysitter
>his ancestors worked for fowls like south-american slaves
>clearly was prohibited from licensing a Sig Sauer being mistaken for underage otaku
>would be ignored by the troll without spilling troll pheromones on himself
>artemis' plans are like chinese alphabet for him since he probably doesn't have a degree
>looks not like a bodyguard but a part of the nutty professor's family
>will probably die from cholesterol plaques rather than the bullet

The Chad Eurasian Butler
>his lineage is known as noble persons who worked for fowls on mutual attachment
>is definitely capable of eastern martial arts not to mention firearms
>despite that stopped the troll almost with bare hands
>smart enough to come up with his own masterplan to deal with spiro's bodyguard
>died covering artemis from bullet once but returned to life

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There is a comic.
Some of the designs are questionable but Artemis and Holly look good.

I’m trying to think of a reason why they would combine the first two books. Maybe the mouse was afraid of ending the film with Artie still a villain?

>part of the nutty professor's family
Kek.
OOO MASSA ARTEMIS YOU GON MAKE ME SQUIRT!

>Confession
try confused teenage hormonal impulse kiss

Minervafag cope or genuinely need to reread.

Wasn't the original story that he discovered a magic world and tried to rob them to cover his father's debt along with him being a complete scumbag?

Also wasn't the body guard supposed to be an extremely generic looking guy (who I imagined as agent 47 for some reason) not a literal blonde hair blue eye nigger?

Like isn't the point of these franchises to actually take

The worst part about this adaptation is even if it turns out to be surprisingly OK and make some money, they have nowhere to go for the sequel. You’ve already fucked The Arctic Incident, do you just go straight to The Eternity Code?

Would you rather get farted on by Mulch or Hagrid?

Autistic lad and bodyguard kidnap and fairy for random money.

Butler's character is ruined because he can no longer blend in.
Root's gruff 80's cop demeanor is ruined because he's now a woman.
His dad is in the movie.
Holly's character so damaged because she's supposed to be the first female officer, but now her boss is female. Also apparently not kidnapped and friendly with Artemis.
No foaley.
No character growth for Artemis because he's a their but not morally corrupt.

Yes. Butler's Eurasian Agent 47.

>There is a comic.
That looks like hot trash with literally none of the designs taken from the books except Artemis and ugly as shit art.

Suddenly being an Animorphsfag doesn’t feel so bad.

>Artemis isn't a ruthless, calculating cunt
Yeah, nah

there have been rumors of universal wanting to make an animorph movie since 2015

I thought after Miss Peregrine was adapted Charlie Bone would inevitably be raped as well. Pretty pleased it's under the radar at this point.

Just get my boy Genndy on it.

WB got the movie rights for the first 4 books in 2005, but they probably didn't want to mess with Harry Potters popularity.

Wasn't Animorphs surprisingly mature? I remember someone did a TL;DR a while ago and it had multiple characters dying or something?

Yep. Bloodbath psychological horror for kids.

>Thoughts?
She looks nothing like her book description and the suit's more thrift store Christmas elf than sci-fi military police.

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I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were considering it for their dark universe shit.

I saw like half of a trailer and they made it seem like they were helping Artemis find his dad? Why make him into a stupid kid who's in over his head?
Why make mulch a "giant dwarf"
Why is Holly not a delicious brown super trooper
Why even adapt the story if you're going to completely change the characters

That was some good shit
I'm going to re read them

>Disney
dropped

They also show him surfing and practicing kendo even though he's notoriously dead weight in the books with Holly and Butler repeatedly getting fucked up just keeping him alive cause he can't do it himself.

The single greatest part of the books is the interplay between Artemis being a complete god damn liability 90% of the time and Holly knowing despite that she needs to keep his ass alive until the next time they try to backstab each other for the remaining 10% of the time when he's the only one that can do anything to unfuck the situation.

Holly is basically protagonist alongside him and she's barely in the trailer. Like what the fuck?

He's fucking 25 by that point. Fuck's sake. Nobody gives a shit about the a/2+7 rule when dealing with immortal magical creatures.

Why isn't Holly brown

They made Butler the niggest and had to average the skin tones.

It’s not even that, I just think Eoin never wanted them to be a couple. He teased us because he knew that would sell but he cucked at the end and all these years later he’s still cucking. What’s worse is we didn’t even get a “no”, we got another maybe.

>If a cute girl is the main supporting character to a male protagonist, 99% of readers are expecting them to end up together.
They genuinely hated each others guts early on, Artemis was 12 at the start of the series, Holly was old enough to be his grandmother, and Artemis had delicious Juliet RIGHT FUCKING THERE in his house until she decided to fuck off to be a luchador.

>I feel like I'm the only person in the world that saw grudging respect/friendship and nothing else
No. By the end of the series, no.

>You and the author, apparently
Horseshit after he put Minerva on a bus. He knew what he was doing.

You forgot that the kidnapper could be Opal so it would be inserting the 4th book story in.

Things are still good up to 5th book. 6th is still alright but it starts dipping by that point and 7th is atrocious while 8th was decent.

The Kidnapper is literally Opal. The YT subtitles literally say "Opal:"

But ultimately, this is deviating really far from the original novels insomuch as Fowl Sr is basically an adult Fowl Jr from the novels. He lives a double life and spends his time keeping secrets and protecting the world from danger. Opal abducts him, and his son goes to save him.

Based dullest movie franchise saving Charlie and his Bone.

>They genuinely hated each others guts early on
Most love stories with headstrong girls start this way. A passionate first impression is a good thing.
>Artemis had delicious Juliet RIGHT FUCKING THERE in his house until she decided to fuck off
This only makes it seem more likely that he'll end up with the only other possibility.

Nobody cares, prude. She’s a fairy.

>could be
>Hong Chau as Opal Koboi, a dying fairy whose rejuvenation capabilities are restored by Artemis.
Christ on a fucking cracker they're making Opal the drunkass fairy from book 1 that Artemis gets the fairy book from.

I only ever read one book and one of those handbooks they used to make for every series back then, and I'm still insulted

Based ROTS Chads

This is something that doesn't get as much attention as race swapping, but it fucking boils my blood. Combining characters is so shit.

It wasn’t one way or another that damaged it, it was the will they won’t they crap

>A passionate first impression is a good thing.
Their first impression was him tranqing her and treating her like luggage as he kidnaps her.

I wouldn't trust wikipedia. That cast section is uncited.

Basically married.

If elf girls are like humans that probably made her pussy soaked. It's basically a rape fantasy but with a mud man doing it. What a thrill!

Cinemas seem to have been given a plot summary already.
>Artemis Fowl the second, a young Irish criminal mastermind, kidnaps the fairy LEPrecon officer Holly Short for ransom to fund rescuing his father. Once a transaction is made, they go onto a hunt for the evil pixie Opal Koboi and rush to save Artemis Fowl senior from the Arctic.
So... uh... I have questions. Questions like, "Holy fuck, were the trailers made by brainlets deliberately trying to misdirect the audience? Or is the final plot still in the death throes of Suicide Squad-tier reshoots?

The plot summery is damage control.

>To fund rescuing his father
>Opal as the villian

>if he just gave him the elf puss.
The start of the ArtemisXHolly romance is when the series started going downhill.
>previously Artemis just met the girl Minerva who's his age, similar to him and have good chemistry
>build up them possibly becoming lovers or at least quite an ally for future crimes/crisis
>suddenly have them broke up off screen in between books
>suddenly Artemis and Holly have romantic interest to each other after books of them being reluctant friends
>Atlantis Complex
>Holly and Trouble apparently got into a relationship and then broke up off screen two

Frankly I can't believe that he had any plans for those two to really get together.

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what in the actual FUCK is this
it's not artemis Fowl, that's for sure

um what

I haven't read the books since I was a kid, but doesn't that cover two or three of them?

What a clusterfuck this will be

>kiddies
if they made this 15yrs ago this would be correct. Are kids still interested in Artemis Fowl? I liked them when I was a child, but I'm 27

For all we know the plot is from the version they were gonna release in mid-2019, and the final version they're releasing in mid-2020 has had alterations made. Hopefully someone involved in the movie spills the beans soon.

Nope. The fact that he never went through with it is the problem. The fans wanted it and he didn’t but he gave just enough to string people along after nobody took to Minerva (besides fags like you).

I didn't really like 2 as much since Artemis didn't get to show off how smart he was. I'd put it under 6 but better than 7 and 8 definitely.

Same. As I said here the story started going downhill when Colfer actually entertained the idea of them being romantic.

I remember the later Wrinkle In Time books really weirding me out. I'm not even sure they were properly Christian by the end.

>source material has a villain protagonist who undergoes character development
>movie casts him as an unambiguous hero from the start
Disney is incapable of stepping outside their very specific formula. There always has to be a clear hero and villain, no gray areas. If you think you know an exception, it's not – all the "bad guys who turn good" were always good deep down, all the "good guys who turn out to be bad" were always bad and were just pretending. None of their characters can EVER have genuine complexity.

There was no way this was ever going to turn out any different.

False. It went bad because he wrote around them NOT being romantic but without outright deconfirming so he could keep the money flowing.

Animorph could be a decent TV series.

>artemis fowl
>it's not about egglaying birbs

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Lmao almost completely backwards. The fact that the author manipulated the plot to avoid a confirmation is what drove the series off the rails. Blaming Holly X Artemis is downright ridiculous.

It wasn't. It really wasn't.

>Combining characters is so shit.
Eh, I approve of merging Raine and Root if that's what they did since all Colfer just repeated all their fucking plotlines anyway in the books.

I'm bad with faces, but the healed fairy looks like Hong Chau, who has an unannounced starring role and is obviously going to be Opal what with subtitles confirming she's in the film.

Wait...the book scene ends with the fairy getting mindwiped...and Opal thinks Artemis's dad stole something from her...and the tagline for the film is "Remember the name"...and Artemis is actually Artemis Fowl II...and we know from the trailer that they do actually do the book scene with Butler, Artemis, and the healed fairy.

Aw fuck me. Opal kidnaps Artemis Sr because Artemis is a fucking dumbass. I mean at least they got one thing right from the books. Artemis is constantly hoisted by his own petard.

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Artemis? Isn't that a girl's name?

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Oh I assure you this movie will lay an egg.

Remember when the American version of book 2 censored a line in which Artemis realized that Holly was actually dangerously attractive and he might have been interested if he was any older?

Go be Jewish elsewhere, Jon Spiro.

COLFEEEEEEER

i was going to pick this series up but after reading about how the mc will not end up with the main girl. im just gonna give it a pass

The problem is that in the trailer, Artemis doesn't know what his father does. (Your father is in a complicated profession - for years, he has protected powerful secrets that have kept mankind safe.) So it doesn't make sense that Artemis did something to Opal and then she kidnaps his father? Huh? Unless of course they use there's some fuckery going on where the same actor plays Artemis and Artemis Sr as a boy. Merging Opal with the drunk fairy is weird as fuck, but maybe sprites fucking suck at telling humans apart, and she attacks the Fowl family in general, or something.

Not even the point of the good books and you’re missing out on a lot of slutty elf fanfic smut that takes place after them.

>you’re missing out on a lot of slutty elf fanfic smut that takes place after them.
RECOMMENDATIONS, NOW. Tell me there's one where Holly uses a giant acorn as a butt plug.

Wasn't Holly a small elf? At least I seem to remember her being small in the books.
And why is the Dwarf massive?

It's twenty years or so since I last read them, but unless my memory is seriously lacking, Disney have decided to shit all over the source material and create something easily digestable by retarded zoomer drones who will watch anything, as they're on their smartphones anyway, so it doesn't have to be good to keep them watching.
Just asinine pop culture references, black "music", woke casting.

This one is my favorite one.
m.fanfiction.net/s/7832868/1/An-Unexpected-Turn-of-Events

The fanfic community is actually pretty based.

There were actually a shitzillion changes made in the American versions to de-Britishize a lot of dialogue and terminology for some reason, aside from that censorship. It's really annoying that all the available EPUBs on the internet are the American versions of the text.

Why didn't they just get Eoin to write the screenplay?
What's with major Hollywood studios intentionally botching adaptations? I'm not even memeing. The average person is better at spotting bad ideas than these professionals.

In all seriousness, I felt like the world building and characters of Artemis Fowl were strong enough that a fan fic writer of decent enough talent could produce a good set of unauthorized spinoff novels. Something that bugs me about fan fic is how few authors manage to craft something that feels like a seamless continuation on a novel scale. Not short stories. Not fan pandering. Just imagine you were employed as a ghostwriter. The reason Hardy Boys is a ghostwritten literary titan is because the characters are solidly defined and you can tell interesting stories in their detective framework. A lot of modern media properties aren't solid enough character-wise and world building-wise to allow for good stories in that universe. This is why Star Trek and Star Wars and stuff like that are relatively rare creatures. And the good fan-fic and the awful shit has this huge gulf between them.

My theory is for tax writeoffs. This must have been designed to flop.

They actually got a really famous Irish playwright to write the movie. And to their credit, they're casting British and Irish actors in this thing. That deserves some kudos. It's a firmly Irish/British movie.

Californians are legitimately this out of touch with the world.

We know Artemis doesn't get the suit until he discovers the basement and he has the suit in the drunk fairy scene so the plot is all sorts of fucked.

The basement scene must be because Artemis discovers the existence of fairies on his own and not because his dad gets kidnapped. THEN he goes to China to get The Book of the People. THEN this triggers his dad getting kidnapped and he's forced to kidnap Holly in turn.

So really the only thing that doesn't make sense is his father and Mulch of all damn people the protectors of humanity.

Also the Holly ally line but that is probably post Artemis convincing her her kidnapping was ultimately caused by Opal.

Now I'm reminded of the movie tie-in graphic novel - it feels so downgrading when compared to Donkin and Rigano's adaptation...

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It's not an American film, user. Irish director, Irish composer, Irish writer, Irish actors, etc.

Major studios are solely in it for the money.
They don't care about anything else at all.

Which means that when they realize they can decide which audience they want, they will always gravitate towards braindead morons, as these "people" have no taste whatsoever.

In turn, that means what you create needs to be easily digestable and non-offensive under the guise of it being "family friendly".

Whenever someone in the writers room suggests something that requires more than 2 brain cells to understand, they'll be shut down, as the studio execs are well aware that the more intelligent you want your audience to be, the less viewers you get and the less money you produce.

In this case, they took a children's book, realized it had a niche following of fans, decided that it's not economically viable to create something for the people who have read the books and liked them, and decided to expand their audience.

Sucking their own cocks much?

Mulch could pass for dwarf human. Holly was smol as shit.

Ah, potato niggers are behind this travesty.

Between the new US covers and the new UK covers I rather prefer Holly's appearance in the UK covers desu

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Where’s the money coming from?

FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Have fun with your flop, dickbags.

>coon tunes
dropped. when the fuck is the c-rap meme going to die?

I like the suit from the US covers, but her skin and hair there is more book appropriate. Although one annoying thing about Holly is she repeatedly lets her hair grow out and then cuts it back to a high and tight in the books so you'd actually have to read the damn things to know which look she's rocking in that volume.

>Wasn't Holly a small elf?
She's approximately comparable in height to a 12 year old Irish boy so yes.

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Personally, I prefer Asa Butterfield and Isabella Moner from the russian cover.
>shortstacked

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>Something soft and round caught Artemis's stinging eyes. He swiveled his head, locking his cold blue gaze onto Captain Short. Slowly, he dropped his eyes below her small waist.
>Holly's mound was pronounced despite the layers of Fairy clothing she wore. Artemis inhaled slightly at the sight. The cold air stung his throat and brought tears to his eyes.
>'D'Arvit! It's marvelous!' He thought. Artemis almost gasped at this intrusive interjection. Surprised and ashamed, he diverted his gaze to the frozen tundra beneath his numb feet, desperate that no one see his face.
>'I will not look below Holly's waist again.' He thought to himself. 'Elf genitalia will not save Father. Stay focused!'
>Artemis was certain such distractions were for older men, men with intellects far inferior to his own.
>And though he fully intended to keep his promise it was proving to be harder than he hoped. Staring vacantly at the ground, his mouth a grim slash across his ghostly face, Artemis tried to think of anything he could to distract him from his distraction.
>Butler had taught him multiple techniques to focus in dire situations, he was sure of it. But all the lessons his giant manservant had given him were borne away on the frigid arctic air. All he could think of was Holly's fat pussy.
>Mathematics and philosophy had failed him for the first in his life. Not theorem or thought experiment could silence the image of Holly's puffy nether regions. As time wore on the image grew stronger, more distinct. Artemis feared he would slip into fantasizing if he could not control himself.
>It was, of course, useless. Puffy Elven vulva had been known to fell entire Fairy civilizations. This was written into the histories of the People Artemis had memorized last year.

Given that every aspect of it seems to have been deliberately fucked up, I’m inclined to agree.
This isn’t just a usual soulless cash grab like Darren Shan’s adaption was, they’ve made steps to actively torpedo every aspect of it
>Artemis is a criminal child genius who is always one step ahead, that slowly grows a conscience
Gawping idiot that gets led by the nose by everyone
>Butler is the stoic badass with hidden depths and intelligence
Paternal fat guy who is the movie’s agent K
>holly is the cop desperate to prove she’s not a charity hire, whose antagonism with Artemis slowly turns to grudging respect
“I’m your ally!”
>Mulch is the revolting wisecracking kleptomaniac who has just enough principles to be endearing
Gravelly voiced fat guy in the know
>Root is the hardass with a heart of gold who pushes Holly to excel in a male dominated environment
Judi Dench lol
>Artemis Fowl I is a criminal trying to rebuild the empire his father squandered, gets burned in the process and grows a conscience
Batman meets the men in black
>Angeline Fowl a small but important role that provides Artemis’ motivation and is his initial moral anchor
Dame not appearing in this film

>'What hope did a young Mud Man stand?'. Artemis thought forlornly. He decided the best course of action was to envision every scenario and let this damnable fantasy run it's course. With a sigh, Artemis began. Gradually, he imagined the smell.
What did Eoin mean by this?

I miss that nigga like you wouldn’t believe

Only as a friend tho :^)
t. Eoin Colfer

>>holly is the cop desperate to prove she’s not a charity hire, whose antagonism with Artemis slowly turns to grudging respect
>“I’m your ally!”
Remember that we have BTS pictures of Holly in a cage in the manor, so I would take everything in the trailer with a grain of salt.
>>Angeline Fowl a small but important role that provides Artemis’ motivation and is his initial moral anchor
>Dame not appearing in this film
She's on the cast list.

It would be ironic if Disney are misguidedly trying to market the film as something completely different to what it actually is, and in the process alienating its core fanbase.

Hello, Disney marketer. Wow, must really be having a tough time with Mulan and Artemis fucked back to back.

>best selling series
who are these autists wasting their time reading fiction?
go outside you inept fucking shit heads

>She's approximately comparable in height to a 12 year old Irish boy so yes.
She's 3'3"/100cm. She is NOT the size of Artemis. She's the size of a fucking preschooler.

And this is the problem with book covers that don't fucking match their fucking contents.

>3’3”
Imagine.

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Iger jumping ship makes a lot more sense now

Trying to pull another Bridge to Tarabithia?

Garbage eceleb reference fuck off newfag

>t. actual illiterate

What on earth are you talking about? All I'm saying is that I think the marketing for the movie is trying to hit all sorts of weird narrative beats that aren't necessarily in the film itself. I think the central abduction plot is still in the movie. But instead of marketing that shows fans the stuff they want to see, we're getting all this weird chopped up weirdness. Also the musical choice is doing them no favors since that style of music consistently gets trailers downvoted. The first trailer had Radiohead or something, which was way more fitting.

Your movie is going to flop. No amount of false cope will take me, or anyone else, to the theater. This isn’t Artemis Fowl, even if it pretends to be.

Are Ireland and Britain so full of third worlders they had no choice but to cast that fat gorilla as Butler?

Oh no no no no look at this dude

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The result will be that fans won't like it and normies won't watch it

I'm not sure all the ass, shit and fart jokes around which the character of Mulch revolves would quite translate to the silver screen for anything aimed at anybody over the age of about seven.

isn't that just the face of a guy who can blend in anywhere?

You could stick your pinky in her ass and tickle her heart.

Wow a genuine chameleon! I see about 1000 of him every time I go out.
t. Frenchman

Holy kek

it's gonna flop but they will claim that it's because of china's quarantine again

i do enjoy blaming china for things
fucking bugs

>Entire first book is Artemis taking a fairy hostage to get gold to restore his families fortune, and uses the wish hes given to cure his schizophrenic mother
>Dad was just a fucking criminal who got captured by Russian gangsters, didn't know about fairies at all
>Was only mentioned in the first book, only appears and gets rescued in the second
>now he's defender of the world or some gay shit and his son is automatically allies with someone he should be kidnapping and holding for ransom
Also did they turn the based fairy police chief who shit on everyone into a fucking woman?

I read them all up till the 2nd last. Last one that I would have said was good was the 4th book, but then again I read them as a kid.

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Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a horrifically bad adaptation of the book, that completely misses the underlying moral message of the book, but people love that movie. So... yea.

Rough guess about what the film will be about based on the trailer.

>Artemis's dad is a gentleman thief and career criminal that secretly also works to protect humanity from dangerous fairy artifacts he stumbled upon in his work alongside his trusted thief "Mulch" (secretly a dwarf)
>This quest is partially fueled by a desire to find a magical tool to treat his ailing wife
>Shit hits the fan and he's outed and has to go into hiding.
>Artemis either discovers fairies on his own at this time or by some other contrivance Butler takes him to their secret basement to suit up and pick up his fathers work.
>On their first job in China they come across an ailing drunkard Opal Koboi whom they heal, steal her book from without payment, and mindwipe
>Their mindwipe doesn't take and she remembers the name Artemis Fowl.
>She tracks down his on the run father and kidnaps him, forcing him to give the book back along with a fairy's ransom worth of gold.
>Alternatively, it turns out his father had stolen from her before and she's after revenge now that she's healthy again
>Artemis kidnaps Holly, Mulch is sent in as a known associate of his father to bust her out, Artemis secures both their cooperation after convincing them Opal has his father and he meant no harm
>Some bastardized version of Book 1 happens wherein Artemis dodges the mindwipe and secures a treatment for his mother and Holly goes back to LEP to be his ally on the inside in their operation to take down Opal and rescue his father

This is not going to turn out like that.

I've never coomed to fan fiction before. What have you done to me?

this couln't have beeen much worse

Kissed her in the book after that, think that was as far as it went with them, never read the last book. The one after lost colony had them go back in time or some shit and the one after that Artemis has a split personality disorder for some reason. I think the bad guy in that was the police chiefs con brother.

That kinda sounds about right. The way I see it, the people involved in directing and writing his movie have a love for the source material, especially its Irish elements, and the last thing they want to do is fuck it up. But I'm guessing there's a behind the scenes conflict between them and Disney. So really, it's a complete crapshoot whether this movie will turn out good or not. But the tonally off trailers are hurting its chances at the box office since the core fanbase is upset.
In what sense? Derided by critics as boring? Disowned by its author/original screenwriter? A financial disappointment? Take your pick.

Kill yourself, Disney shill. DIE DIE DIE DIE.

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You are like babby. Imagine seeing dibney bring to life the fairy tales you read as a child.

You’ve taken a first step into a much wider world. (You know your favorite cartoon/animefu? Look them up ;) )

Unironically kill yourself if you've ever read this garbage and care about this adaptation

Sooooooo, how tall is the fairy meant to be? Asking for a friend.

Right back at you, bitch.

Seethe Disney shill. You aren't fooling anyone.

Who loves that movie? And which version?
I liked it when I was like 10, but it was only decent at best.

3’3”

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t. 11 year old girls

t. Disney shill. Die.

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>Who loves that movie?
A lot of people. So much so that the "eeeh" Tim Burton version got a lot of hate because a lot of people with hardcore nostalgia for the earlier film regarded it as an "unnecessary remake" of that film when it was really a new adaptation that actually used the songs from the book, among other things.

>3’3”

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Glad to see my caucasian brothas representin

>expecting Disney to not shove in at least one minority
Pretty funny though they make the servant to the white master the black guy.

>That book series that only had one good book (the first one)
>That books fanbase got stuck in purgatory over a creepy romance between on older child-like woman and a young man
>That book turned out to be a shit movie

Imagine my shock!

Also Minerva x Artemis OTP. Hollyfags need to get their degenerate fantasies out. Their refusal to accept Minerva is why the romantic subplots of this series are all over the god damn place. A better place for this shits romance plots to end would be Holly melancholy that Artemis moved on, grew up, got married and had kids. THEN you scumbags can live out your degenerate fantasies with Holly stalking Arty's son.

It mostly holds up re-reading as an adult, and I'd recommend it to any kids you have. Just books 1-4 they drop off in quality after that hard.

Holly isn't childlike.

What did Tim Burton plagiarize?

>make a movie about a book series that was popular with kids like 15 years ago
>all those kids are in their 30s now

What's the next step in their master plan?

>Minerva shitter normalfag
>Likes the worst of the first three books the best
Lmao get fucked bitch

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>/ss/
>bad

HEATHEN

Holly was there first. Minerva was only created because of closeminded faggots like you. She got BUSSED.com when Eoin realized he was about to lose all his fans over being a bitch over sloppy elf pussy.

Yeah that was my main concern as well. Its one thing being told what happens, another seeing cubic metres of dirt fly out of a dwarfs behind

I always assumed Mulch would work best as grotesque nightmare fuel.