The cinema shaman won't stop chanting during the movie

No but you will, when I find you and make you suck my dick

Reminds me of this

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>cinema rapist didn't showed up for work again

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>I had to do the rape myself and spilled my drink

>walk in late to the theater just as lights are fading down
>yell "OH, WHO TURNED DOWN THE LIGHTS? I'M WALKIN' OVA HERE!"
>everyone laughs
>projection guy blinks the lights playfully in acknowledgment
>teen girl playfully pushes my shoulder when I sit down next to her
>girl next to me winks
>"wanna fuck my ass big boy?"
>she plops her asshole right on my dick
>someone up front "woah it smells like gape in here!"
>she yells out "yeah that's my open ass! Gape me!"
>projectionist is now filming us
>Robert walks over and asks if I'd like butter for her gaper
>"why of course"

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>dumped my poppies as an offering for the kino gods
>abel to my cain, the sweeper comes and tries to reap the blessings while cursing me
>in anger i storm the temple of cleanliness and defacate it while leaving his name on the wall

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Based

>cinema shadman

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>tfw got chosen to fish for crabs in the theater lake again

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You have to do a counter-chant to combat his, dummy.

do all theatre chains offer poop scissors now? I remember when AMC first started it then I noticed smaller theatre chains copying them. Can't find my pair in the car, its a mess in there.

i hope they at least provide the 3 shells

>theater lake
we have these in florida

it's basically impossible to not build something next to a body of water

Based fellow florida user

Cinema Shaman say, hunter Runs with Falcons follow crab herd many moons

>kinoplex gets the 4d experience
>walk into showing
>I am everywhere at once
>spend the next millennia experiencing every alternate version of the movie and was even in the movie a few times
>dump popcorn and drink on the ground as I am finishing
>walk out as I was walking in

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>tfw forgot my kino blanket and got singled out by the theater Shoshone

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damn, at least robert had a good seat. rip.

>not having toilets shoot pressurized water that laser cuts your logs
I feel sorry for third worlders

>when you finish pooping and the theater brings in the dwarf to personally spray and wipe your ass

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Same

The best is if you poop again while he's cleaning you, you get to watch him waddle out of the toilet to change

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>chosen as theater sissy again
I was fine with it the first few times but I’m going to need diapers if this keeps up

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>chosen as theater bull again
Getting prepped was fun for the first few times but does it really have to be the same fucking fag every time? God they told me there'd be girls

>Can't hear movie over the Kinoplex Corps battling the manlets in the popcorn mines
I really wish they would just automate the popcorn mining process already

>cinema's shaman is on paid leave
>they decide to pick me to fill in from the audience because I "look pious and god fearing"
>the chamber doesn't let you see the movie well
>legit haven't done any invocations since the last lunar eclipse
>shout some whatevers to Zeus while I call the staff to bring me a calf
>the lights shutdown due to a storm and I almost get lynched

>The rival Kinoplex sent in an incursion squad during a screening last night
scary as fuck lads

>go to watch Joker at cinema
>buy a ticket
>Robert gives me a nervous look at the counter, asks me if I'm sure I don't want to see another movie
>Tell him I really want to see this movie
>Everyone in the theater is dressed as a clown
>Go to my designated seat
>At the climax of the movie, where Joker screams that "YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE" every single person in the theater pulls out an AR-15 and starts shooting
>escape via butter latrine
Is it just me, or is it getting crazier out there?

>cinema samurai chose me as his second to decapitate him during the seppuku ritual
>didn’t get a clean enough cut
>had to awkwardly force the katana the rest of the way through his neck
Haven’t been back to the kinoplex since that one.

>when the cinema issued cunny gets her first period on my popcorn so I get a full refund and an hour in the ball pit

>am the Kinoplex Paladin
>walk into Kinoplex, greet Sr Robert
>Sr Robert runneth up to me, he proceeds to informeth me of the swarm of locusts residing in the Mines of the Popped Corn
>tismyduty,m'lord.parchment
>head down to the Mines of the Popped Corn
>beggar boy screeching for me to end his life, I take heed at his half eaten carcass
>put the lad out of his misery
>continue on, I removeth my Holy Water as I doeth so
>can hear the buzzing
>the damned buzzing
>the damned things are swarming the popcorn and the peasants that work here
>I begin to spread my Holy Water, setting the mines ablaze as I continue on
>I find the source of the locusts
>the damned Kinoplex Shaman
>I unsheath my greatsword and plunge it into the bastard's chest before his body can draweth neary a breath
>proceed to decapitate him and burn his body
Fucking Kinoplex shamans. Regardless, my position as Kinoplex paladin is a fulfilling one, and I enjoy recounting the Bible with Sr Robert.

lol

>robert singlehandedly fought them all off
Why is he so based?

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why is there a demon woman to the far right?

>cinema shaman

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cursed image

>his local theater doesn't have a cinema shaman
yikes

>the cinema rapist has to be escorted to his bamboo cage yet again

>when you go to the weekly kinoplex bible study and Robert brings his most fresh crab legs
Atheist attendees ate missing out.

>his cinema doesnt havnt a shaman

how do you even keep the anti kino spirits away?

Truly a shame, I've tried to get them to follow The Lord's Light but they refuse. I can only pray that they come to their senses.

>when the shaman is away and the kinospirits get into the slurpee machine again
We lost 8 good men in that flood.

>cinema says they discontinued shaman and ritual sacrifices because they'll just allocate those duties to the theatre shooter

some traditions should just be respected and stay the same

>when the ask for butter for your popcorn but the butter baron makes you rim him for it

Anyone else have this problem?

>be me
>17 f
>Only virgin in kinoplex
>Designated as sacrifice bc all the other girls are sluts
>Tied to stake with horrible view of screen
>Theatre gorilla rips my clothes off to more easily feast upon my flesh
>Sees my benis and balls
>gorillaboner.mpeg
>Turns out kong is into boipucci
>Finally lost my virginity
Toy story 4 was pretty kino

>cinema rapist condemned to death by manlet pummeling
a shame, he seemed like a pretty swell guy

Mine has been gone ever since the duke of pretzel led a rebellion.

>drop my nachos into the under seat moat again

>tfw you forget to clap at the end of the movie so the theatre sentinels force you to jump from the 85th floor into a dumpster full of crab shells

That was going to happen at my theater, but the King of Kino had the Popcorn Pope excommunicate and imprison him

>town projectionist ODs on heroin in the middle of a movie
>no other town projectionists, local theatre now does hand puppet recreations of blockbust films

Is this real?

That guy is an asshole. Whenever I miss a spot with the communal mop in the lobby, he dashes salt into my eyes as he rides by on his pretzel themed carriage, but at least he didnt make me rim him

yes but in 2015 they bought a camera and switched over to stop motion action figures and claymation

based and gapepilled

Blessed thread

>Cinema squires won't stop jousting
Any tips on how to get them to stop?

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just tell them the marvel tailgaters brought a keg

same thing happened to me

>get a job as the cinema Samurai
>get in trouble for advertising the new Godzilla movie as I'm supposed to be impartial

Ah the Great Esgape, i was there for that showing

>bartender at the kinoside pool and bar won't let me order any of her milk
Should I report her?

>A hawk circles lazily overhead then makes a snap dive toward the popcorn mine dragging a screaming midget toward the balcony...

Not based and not wholesome. Very inappropriate.

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The trips speak the truth

You can only order milkies off the secret menu dude, did you not get the password from the frequent viewer benefits yet?

guys I was working the popcorn mines last week and I heard a strange growling and scratching sound coming from deep below the mines. I'm sure I was on the bottom level. Should I be worried?

>finally have date for the kinoplex so I don't have to go on singles night
>Kinoplex tiger eats him as we enter
Its not fucking fair!

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>the girl I had a crush on in high school is the new penis inspector

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>Robert sneaks me in past the no singles policy
>Never been more nervous in my life
>Fumble my packet of pretzel m&ms and drop them into the moat
>Reach down to try and pick them up
>The cinema goblin bites off my fingers
>Yelp like Tom from Tom and Jerry out of pain
>Every head turns to me, and realizes I’m in clear violation of the no singles policy
>The kino-patrons all turn to Robert in his balcony lounge, expectantly
>As Robert doesn’t immediately pirouette off the balcony and escort me out of the screening the crowd becomes visibly agitated
>I slowly nod to him while holding back tears
>Robert sadly backflips off the balcony and has to usher me out while all the kino-patrons throw their drinks and popcorn at me

>get into the cinema to watch Dora and the Lost City of Gold
>the popcorn maiden in the hall is under the counter and crying
>oh no
>get into theater room
>oh no it's them
>fucking cossacks are throwing popcorn in the air and breaking vodka bottles on their heads
>the trailers start
>the projectionist gets an axe to the head
>they start chasing women around the room
>one of them singles me out and bangs me on the head with a mace
>get raped in every orifice of my body
Such is life in Slavstan. Too bad I didn't get to see the movie.

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>sit down in seat to enjoy kino
>announcement comes on the intercom telling us that our theater is being livestreamed to all the other theaters
>forgot that it was Wild Card Night
>hunch down in my seat and try not to draw any attention to myself
>spotlight shines on me
>can't think of any witty lines to say
>people are sniggering all around me and i can hear booing in the adjacent theaters
>on the way out the usher tells me to please try and get my act together for next time
Wild Card Night is such bullshit

>at local kinoplex, enjoying the latest bone chilling, slow burn, suspenseful, atmospheric, thriller kino
>enjoying my crab legs and butter
>butter baron made me put my hand in his ass before he’d give me any butter
>fuck that guy
>suddenly I hear the sound of a dragging penis and muffled giggling
>notcomingfromthespeakers.gif
>oh fuck
>the cinema rape dwarf is loose again
Usually the designated theater shaman can contain him, but he’s gone til next week. Fuck.

I can't afford a popcorn club card until I pay off the loan for my theater seat.

south florida is the only real florida

You need a shaman on permanent staff, mine took to many mushrooms one night and I had to step. We needed three more exorcisms by the time the night was done

tfw when butter lung

I chucked lightly.

Never go to overseas cinemas, the traditions are too damn confusing!

>Visiting college friend in Mexico City
>Decide to see a movie in the local El Cinema Ocho
>Grab my bucket of salt and shaman incense
>Suddenly a man with a cheese sombrero starts hassling me!
>My friend says calmly that he’s the local Senior Nacho and he wants my chip offering
>I offer my pretzel salt but he’s pissed
>stuck having to battle the designated luchadore for the duration of the film
>At least I got to fuck the cinema cabron’s wife after I unmasked the luchadore

>go to the local kinoplex
>buy a ticket
>head over to get a popcorn and something to drink
>sit in my seat right as the movie is about to start
>5 minutes into the movie the woman next to me has her phone out
>tell her to turn it off because it’s distracting me
>she does and apologizes for her behavior
>watch the rest of the movie without any problems
>leave the movie after it ends and go about the rest of my day

>PEOPLE THROW FIREWORKS WHILE YOU AERE WATCHIG THE MOVIE
Idiots, it's meant to be AFTER the movie.

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that teenage girl is a fucking slut, she was in my kinoplex last week and she fucked the shaman in front of everybody and he went OO EE OO AA AA

Fake! Next time at least include a dwarf if you want it to sound believable

my sides haven't hurt this much in some time

I'm fucking dying

I wish I was clever or funny enough to participate in these threads

But you are friend

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>finally my turn to spin the wheel
>Give that fucker all I've got and sit back in my seat before it stops like a badass
>Bad fucking move
>The wheel almost stops on free cheese bread then clicks once more and rests on bacchanalia
>Wrist and ankle restraints click and the floor drops out from beneath me
>Hurtle several hundred feet through the popcorn mines
>I fucking swear I caught one of the little midges smirking as I passed but I can't be sure
>Splash landing in underground popcorn butter lake
>Grigori and his hotdog boys pull me out and shove me facedown in a pile of Mike and Ike's
>Livestream my greasy rape back up to the theaters
>Svladislav offers me a tissue cuz I can't stop crying
>Faint ghost of my mother's laughter filtering down through the mineshaft
AND I missed all of the previews. Such fucking bullshit

Kek

>theater thot gets in a private booth with tyrone and chad
>leaves her orbiter next to me
>he keeps trying to bum candy off me
>says he has no money
>remember seeing him give a hundred to the thot
>can't even kick him in the balls because if the cage
How do I get rid of him?

>mfw

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>tfw local kinoplex slutty teen got pregnant and was replaced
>the new one has a tan butthole instead of pink
Immersion ruined

>Got sentenced to the popcorn mines for violating no singles policy
>Me and my fellow miners start breaking out into old timey railroad songs
Legit comfy

>some dumbass throws a crableg at the cinema shaman during his chants
>shaman passes out
>kinoplex starts to shake
>thousands of shrieking demons can be heard and the scent of sulfur and brimstone fills the air
>Ma'anllt the Gargantuan rises from deep within the popcorn mines and destroys the Kinoplex
this is the future you choose when you complain about the cinema shaman

Based thread

>cinema dentist can't remove the wedged bit of popcorn in your teeth without a $30,500 co payment
The hell was the insurance for?

Happens in some places in Australia if the movie has actors who have passed away, basically to keep their souls from being trapped in the film or something.

Wish I was making this up

>the cinema glassblower took sick leave so everyone had to bring red solo cups

This, any theater should at the very least have alternates in case the staff shaman is on a spirit quest.

>Shaman screws up his cactus juice recipe
>fucks up the chant
>the screen starts showing japanese eel insertion porn
It took normies an hour to realise it wasn't Avengers Endgame. They really don't pay attention.

Props

That's just the balrog, Cinemark's Bane. He's harmless.

>theater shower becomes unisex
>now all the female employees have seen my penis

I have the sneaking suspicion that this post may be fabricated.

Have you seen their penises user?

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>the cinema public ass washing machine is out of order

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Kino

Only the cute ones but only because I had to suck her off to get a large soda during the rationing.

>yfw you get summon for penis inspection duty

How do I get out of this?

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>try to watch
>Previews just ended
>suddenly alarms start ringing
>falcons freak out in every row
>ushers come in with the theater police and drag every single out
>had two points deducted on my kino license for violating the policy 6 years ago so they drag me out as well
>after going through the dark corridors I find myself at the bathroom
>Robert shaves my head and pushes me into the shower
>I clean myself quickly and nervously
>get pulled out and dried by the bathroom kinopolice
>put on cinema soldier uniform
>drill sergeant comes out and starts barking orders at us
>only understand half of what he's saying, something about raiding an enemy kinoma to finally end the war
>he makes us shout the theater pledge of allegiance
>I memorized it so I'm good
>we rush into a bus, picking up rifles along the way
>20 minutes later we arrive, but the cinema bombs force our bus to crash into the theater lake
>swim to safety pulling a guy with me, couldn't save a neckbeard that drowned
>shoot down some enemies and advance to a capture point, but get knocked out by their Kino General
>spend the next three months in the popcorn mines until the rival kinoplex lets me go
>movie I wanted to watch isn't even in theaters anymore
>it ain't me starts playing as I leave

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Its over in 5 minutes user just don't cry when the girl doing it laughs you don't want to know what happens to those who cry.

Politely ask the cinema arab to to let his camel spit into your asshole

Based

>Desperate to see the latest kino
>Only tickets available are on Tuesday...
>Not again! I hate “Meat & Greet” Tuesday
>Half the theater wants to give my penis a handshake squeeze
>Miss half of the previews and cinema trivia!

>town redditor put a hit out on me because I watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

Based gapeposter.

>cutting my toenails in the middle of the movie
>toss them in the popcorn bucket of the incel in front of me
>he eats them without noticing

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>kino bar and grill runs out of mozzarella sticks
How am I supposed to enjoy my movie now?

Lmao BRfag here. I actually go there.

>kinoplex shaman got too drunk
>have to watch movie with the wrong ancestors
>they don't speak english

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>randomly assigned as the CBT demonstrator in the middle of the movie

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>manlet pit rebellion has been going on for years now
>lost two guys in the bear pin yestarday
>Chad doesn't get back from leave for another month
>hear ewok cries in the rafters

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>buy a ticket to The Greatest Showman
>put on my mandatory singles dunce cap
>only seats are in the thot section
>they play the please silence your phone commercial
>thot stands up and says you can't silence this
>pulls down pants and let's out a loud brap
>everyone goes crazy
>second thot stands up and challenges her
>both start brapping
>theater now going crazy
>popcorn monster starts a brap chant
>theater shooter makes brap-brap-brap sound with his semi automatically rifle
>this goes on the whole movie
>I just wanted to see Hugh Jackman at his finest

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Should I get a boner or what

>Been cinema shaman for 40 years
>Too busy to look at customers during work
>Spend my life carving runes into popcorn to ward off anti kino spirits as corn is a well known kino channeler
>Place them all in buckets for people to bring their own strings and make necklaces out of them when they buy them from Robert
>Go home happy after along day of work knowing people are safe out there wearing their runic kino necklaces

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Chilling...

Wholesome Shaman. I don't know what we would do without our Kino Wizard

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One of these days you’ll slip up foolish shaman! Then I’ll have all the souls and nachos I can eat!

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>>projection guy blinks the lights playfully in acknowledgment
My favorite part personally

They're going to make you pay for the nachos.

>soda machine switches from coke to bepis
>price for a small 72oz goes up $5

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Our kino wizard just gives everyone cock rings

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What does a cinema samurai do?

>go to see whatever piece of garbage was new to the kinoplex this week
>i dont even like movies anymore nothing has been kino in forever
>look for my seat but all the seats have been fucked with, put into a circle
>screen was replaced with a giant glass ball
>they darken the room and i'm about to leave after 10 minutes until some previews finally start running on the ball
>old woman walks up to the ball while the previews played then when they stay she asks us all to join hands with those next to us
>qt on my left but some disgusting blob on my right
>try to ignore the disgust on my right by focusing on the girl on my left
>try to glance over past her to see if she has parental guardianship because there's no way she's old enough to be here unattended
>finally the old woman starts yelling for people to come out and begone from from this kinoplex lest they be banished to hell's popcorn mines
>hear some people start speaking in tongues
>start yelling shit out because i dont want to be left out
>think i have a stroke as a faint green light flashes
>the old lady gets up and bows
>everyone claps and gives her a tip as she passes by
>movie starts playing on the giant glass ball, hard as fuck to see
feels like a weight was lifted off me and I gotta say it was the first kino i've seen in a while and really felt like I watched

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thot patrol mostly, a bit of administrative work.

Yeah but once I cross over from the Nagalferri plains I don’t get hit with the 15% surcharge

>tfw you missed the last seppuku and only got there in time for the clean up

>pay extra for the premium seats
>the theater provided GF doesn't even get me off during the film

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>cinema steamship crashes well over a mile away from the theater
>no popcorn rations available for the next several weeks
>have to subsist off of old ass popcorn hardtack for the near distant future
This shit sucks how did people eat this while watching silent movies

>In kinoplex trying to watch BR 2049 for the 64th time
>Can barely hear the audio over the sound of the kinocorps fighing cineplex insurgents in the licorice rope jungles next door
>Robert busts through the exit door covered in blood
>"Excuse me sir, but you have been randomly selected for mandatory conscription in the kinocorps. Please follow me to the penis inspection center for your indoctrination"
>Put in the 420th CRUNCH™ Division
>Learn I'll be in the 1st wave going to storm the underground caves connecting the kinoplex and cineplex
>This starts playing on the mine cart there
youtube.com/watch?v=ec0XKhAHR5I

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>Female penis inspector insists on taking a photo of my penis.
>Tee-Hee user this is just protocol.
>During the previews the picture of my dick is causally displayed on screen with the title NOW THAT'S A CLEAN LOOKING UNIT.
>Robert is shown on the bottom right giving a thumbs up.
>I spit up my drink at the sight of this onto the cinema shaman
>It fucks up his chants, spirits start wailing everywhere.

Really threw off the whole experience for me.

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Cyberpunk desu

I developed scurvy waiting for john wick 3

>he didn't get a hi-c tropical punch at the concessions stand

Why are these my favorite threads on Yea Forums? Am I just retarded and enjoy these stories or do I enjoy them for the creativity?

>standing in line for ticket
>people in front of me are a lady and her young daughter
>mfw ticket lord takes the daughter away for his right of primae kinotis

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It's fun to relate with other anons about the wacky stuff that happens when you go to the theater

>miss out on nude scene cause people are standing in front of the screen making gang signs
>finally realized I bought a ticket for the deaf screening

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Em Sao Jose?

>not spoiling the ending out loud for yourself
Pleb

>projectionist accidently shines the spotlight on the theater vampire
>he freaks out and gets to a fight with three falcons
>theater priest stakes him in the heart
>he bursts into flames
>whole theater smells like smoke the rest of the film

post like these make me feel like finding a small chunk of gold in a sea of shit

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Just don’t scoop too greedily and too deep bro

>sitting down to watch movie with sister
>eating a hot dog
>hear trumpets and wailing
>the cinema vizier has come to to claim the kino tax
>have to give him all our drinks and snacks
>not enough
>draw straws and send slaves as payment
>my sister draws a short straw
I miss my hotdog bros

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That’s what you get for not submitting to his Holiness Kinomeht II, Sultan of Screenings and Beneficent Butterer, he who Waives all Penises Great and Small

>get a bad batch of crab legs
>stomach doesn't feel the best
>blackout half way through the film
>wake up
>i'm in the theater crypt
>the shaman is chanting something i can't understand
>skeletons are rising all around me
>mfw i am a skeleton too
>shaman says i'm not allowed to rest until I pay off all my kino tithe
>grab a glass of milk from robert and enjoy whatever is playing

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I spit on kinomeht and his cowardly vizier!

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Just be thankful you weren’t conscripted to wage combat with the rival kino emporium.

>cinema cobbler got my shoe size wrong again and my toes hurt the entire film
I swear he does this on purpose

>go to the theatre with girl I like
>everything's going good until we get in line and
>the showers are unisex AGAIN
oh fugg guys what do I do help me quick pls idk what to do the lines moving fast help guys

Thats exactly how i describe Yea Forums
Nuggets in a sea of shit

Buy a Dirk Diggler prosthetic penis souvenir.

>tfw cinema praefect chooses you again
virginity cancelled

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based

The cinema sex shop is right here thanks man I'm sure she won't notice a thing

I was sure mine was doing it as well so I had him flogged. He had been getting far too chummy and even made eye contact one or two times.

kino

Should I buy a used bullet proof vest? I can get a large tub of butter for the same price of a new one.

>vending machine outside the halls
>popcorn in my throat getting ready to spend £2 on a small bottle of water because its a huge husk and I know how these water scams work, they know you are closed in
>It wants £7 for 250ml bottle of water

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>hear rustling in the bushes
>a dozen or so of the theatre natives come into view
>start ululating and gnashing their teeth
>blowdart the chubby theatre attendant and drag her into the jungle
They are getting bolder guys, what do we do?

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>The bathroom glory hole services are free today
>But I've always heard tales of angry cinema slaves taking their anger out on anons who couldn't pass their extremely thorough pre succ penis inspection
What do bros?

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What the...

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We just need the kino konquistadors to give them a few blankets.

Fucking kek

wut this

>the cinema Australopithecuses are rifling thru the different theaters
>Shaman got a spear to the chest halfway through the summonings
Great now I gotta spend 2+ hours with the wrong ancestral spirits again

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>gave a hungry theater native girl some pocket spaghetti and now I apparently have to marry her

I have to survive 3 days in the theater labyrinth dressed as David Bowie to impress her parents.

To be fair he wasn’t gonna make it past the designated shooter intermission without a vest anyway.

>wash myself in the theatre lake to avoid the unisex shower
>the king of crabs catches me and sends me to the void between worlds
>still waiting for the cinema shaman to summon me
Every time

>And fuck this guy in particular

Based gapeposter

>kinoplex serves spicy wings without a designated shitting chair
JUST

This is my first one. How magical.

you haven't even heard about the falcons

Because we are making things instead of tearing things down. It feels nice.

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>watching kino at my local kinotorium
>get a text message
>my Despacito ringtone alerts the audience to how based I am
>read text
>it's a dickpic from Robert
>I accidentally hit the cast button on my screen and the kino is replaced by Robert's giant BBC
Oh Robert.

>Go to local kinoplex
>Get crablegs and orange juice from Robert
>Singles sunday so no exemption required
>Make my way to the 4:37 showing of Falling Down
>No one in the theater at all
>Movie starts
>Still no one there
>Movie ends, go out into the hallway to leave
>Can't seem to find the lobby, just endless halls of theaters playing super hero movies
>Look at my ticket, it's blank, crab leg bucket turns to dust and my OJ is full of ashes
>Realize that it wasn't Robert that I saw when I entered, but the cinema shaman from the cineplex across the street
>When I try to remember scenes from the movie I just watched all I remember is static playing from the projector
Guys I think that asshole shaman has banished me to kino purgatory. What the fuck do I do?

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>Arrive at the Kinoplex to see Avengers Endgame
>Designated cinema bully overhears me ordering my ticket
>Cinema bully sneaks up behind me while I’m waiting for the fry cook to deep fry my popcorn and gives me a nuclear wedgie
>Whole Kinoplex laughs as I cry out in pain
>Can literally feel my asshole bleeding
>Receive my fried popcorn and waddle to the cinema clinic
>The specialist is out for the day
>Have to waddle to my screening
>Barely able to swim over the moat and almost get eaten by the cinema shark
>Finally make it to my seat just in the time for the previews
>A fist strikes me right in the back of the head
>I use my last remaining strength to turn around and see who is to blame
>It’s the cinema bully
>He launches another fist that breaks my nose and I pass out
>Awake the next day
>I am shackled in the cinema dungeon for catching a double feature, even though I was unconscious
>Sentenced to 6 months of labor in the popcorn mines
>Didn’t even get to see Endgame
Should’ve just stay at home and jerked off.

What a great movie it has been.

>entire thread descends into anons revealing their sexual fetishes
hm

>something happens
>cinema monkeys start hootin and throw popcorn at people

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>At the kinoplex waiting in line to see a movie
>suddenly the kino guards grab me and violently drag me to the interrogation room
>they say that they have been tracking my movements
>they claim that they saw me visit the cinoplex (i was there just cross checking the crab prizes)
>they say that if this is true it's a breach of contract and i will be subjected to nerve stapling!
>manage to stutter that it was my identical evil twin and not me
>the guards are suspicious, but they let me take my seat and watch the movie while they run my DNA background checks
>quickly i distract the moat goblins by throwing all my candies and popcorn at them
>crawl through the filthy crust covered moat while avoiding the designated shooters searchlight
>Robert helps me slip out of the employee back door without triggering an alarm

Guys what the fuck is nerve stapling? I went over my kino contract but there was no mention of it!

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did you catch the cartel lobby decapitation marathon? I heard they're always streaming that 24/7

Good threads on Yea Forums today

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>The Kinoplex Krampus stole my cookie dough bites again

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The charter forbits the use of nerve stapling but sometimes a rogue in the system decides to implement it, head into the forest outside of the drive in kino section it's easy to hide out there.

>Go to the kinoplex to watch Jaws
>Just as the movie starts Robert gets on the PA system
>"Hello kinographers, as a special event we will be flooding the theater and allowing several great white sharks to swim among you to enhance you kino viewing experience. Thank you, and have a nice movie!"
>"y-you too" I mutter
>As the water reaches our waists the sharks are released
>One immediately tears apart the state mandated gf an user brought, must have smelled her period blood
>Jokes on them though, my date has only the most feminine of penii
>Halfway into the movie the designated shooter is assigned and given an M1 Garand
>He kills the sharks while me and my gf watch the movie with mangled bodies floating around us
Pretty kino way to end an afternoon, though my popcorn got soggy and Robert refused to refund me

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Yes it was user. Have a good night

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what is happening in that webm?

>go to the mixed screening of Detective Pikachu
>they still have different sections for black and white people
LITERALLY WHAT IS THE POINT

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based Abos making sure Stan Lee makes it to heaven

I havent gone to a mixed cinema ever since they made me work overtime at the coconut oil mines
I heard the bodies of the guys working during the Black Panther week were never found

>old cinema cheerer retires
>replaced by teenage part timer
>every movie ends with the protagonists losing

>try to sneak through the backdoor to get past the penis inspection line
>theater wizard catches me and imprisons me within the astral cube again

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>theater elves

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>Cinema hog squealing during the sex scene

>Cinema Samurai misses a step during his Pre-kino performance
>committed seppuku right next to my aisle seat
>got blood all over my medium popcorn
14 fucking dollars wasted

Not him but have a good night fren :3

>Cinema wendigo snuck out of the ball pit and devoured the aisle cleaners because the cinema shaman forgot to enchant the wards last night
>Have to wade through piles of stale popcorn, snack wrappers and gnawed off body parts up to my waist to get to my seat

user, singles Sunday doesn't exist. You've made an eternal mistake.

just bring your cinema falcon, bypasses the no singles policy easy, robert is a bro like that, of course dealing with the kinotorium hawks eating your falcon chow is a problem, but thats a whole different issue

>went to watch IT part 2 and i actually saw an usher in the cinema

first time in my life I’ve seen an usher during a film. i was more intrigued by him than the movie

>cinema shadman locked the exit doors

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>A kinoplex hound barks continuously at the kino spirit menacing the front rows for the film's entire duration
I want my damn money back

>my cinema falcon gets sick from eating too much popcorn
>borrow a friend's on a day he has to work the mines
>my friend is a pleb, so the damn thing is poorly trained
>freaks out when the hammers start hitting the anvils, totally embarrassing
>as the audience is waiting for the shaman to finish his pre-Kino ritual dance, he stops and frowns at my falcon, then at me
>announces that he doesn't appreciate me interfering with him 'taking the auspices' and that I can't hide from fate
>calls for the ushers, one way trip to the mines
Lesson learned folks, pay for the falcon chow. It's more expensive but it's worth it.

Falcon chow is WAY easier to shove up your ass than human food. My kinoplex is doing cavity searches for the joker, so I have to buy it for the premiere, but otherwise I never pay for it. And if I do get caught, suffering in the popcorn mines for a bit will be worth the money I've saved to afford more tickets

>Kinotorium just installed a Brap Barn

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ha ha imagine like sticking your dick in there? ha ha crazy right?

The sharma at my cinnamon won’t keep talking, makes me think that theres think that I won’t make.

I went to a cinema in Germany when I was there on vacation, and let me tell you, it was wild.
>rollercoaster rides to your seat
>the showers fumigate you to get rid of the popcorn lice that spread typhus in the Kino-camps
>Instead of a randomly chosen designated shooter, there are cinema death squads that eliminate designated undesirables.
It was a hoot. But if you ever go, make sure that you pass the penis inspection. I'll take a stint in the mines back home over the eagle and bear cage they have over there any day.

I visited my local cinema 5 years ago anons and I am still haunted by the experience. Please bear with me as I tell this tale:

>be 13 years and 1 day old
>I take my girlfriend to see the new spider man movie, the trailers looked promising but I still had my reservations.
>Get to the theater and we pass the lines without a hitch, I was worried there would he trouble, but we made it to our seats with minutes to spare till the movie trailers came on.
>As the trailer begins I starts to hear gunfire come from the first row, I immediately duck, sheltering my gf from the blasts.
>The seats around me explode. I hear lots of blood and screaming.
>This can’t be happening, I think, I am too young to be injured.
>Tell my GF that we are going to dart for the exit at the front when we get a chance.
>The two shooters are going from isle to isle shooting up every single one. They each stand at the ends of the isle and unload a full magazine of bullets into all the people ducking in the isle and reload as they move to the next.
>I finally see a chance and I take it
>grabbing my gf, we bounce on the seats, one isle to the next till we reach the front
>we are holding hands and are both rock climbers so we have strong grips. I lift her and swing her so she can bounce on the seat in front of her and then she lifts me and bounces me on the seat in front of that seat.
>we are almost at the front exit
>the two shooters notice our escape and pursue us on foot
>we exit out of the exit and they chase us at full speed
>we run and they are on our tails, me and my girlfriend were both into long distance running so we think we can out run them. we were mistaken
>after an hour and thirty minute chase, the gun men point their rifles behind them and fire automatic to get a speed boost to catch up to us. Every magazine they go through they get closer and closer to us.
>we think we wont make it
>both me and my gf get tackled to the ground
>the gunmen start beat us with their rifles

Based stroke poster