Mr. Plinket said prequels are bad

>every opinion must emerge from the void without any outside influence like some Nietzschean superman
Why is it bad to get your opinions from people who have a better talent for critique of film for example. I think most people knew they didn't like the prequels but thye couldn't specify exactly why. Plinkets analysis helped pinpoint where the PT went wrong.

The sequels prove what would happen if unimaginative nostalgiatards like him were in charge

>we have reached the times when zoomers unironically defend prequels

WWIII cant come soon enough

>Sequels are competent movies
>competent
I don't think you know what that word means.

They are competently shot, desu

>excluding no-budget trash made by people with untreated mental health issues.
name some tardkinos

>competently shot
Holy shit, OP is right. You braindead fucks need to neck yourself.

>said it’s bad
No, he gave an in-depth critique that still has yet to be disputed.

TLJ is, TFA, and even Rogue One and Solo have worse framing and editing than many film school projects

I like bits of the prequels, specifically ROTS, despite recognizing that the movies themselves are almost entirely irredeemable garbage. I agree with a lot of this because you can really clearly see what Lucas was trying to do, despite doing a really fucking bad job in the end. However, I also kinda enjoyed TFA for different reasons, so I might just be retarded.

Agreed, i've always liked the prequels, meanwhile couldnt even finish thr pos that is ep 7

Kickassia, Suburban Knights and Star Wars: Rogue One: A Solo Star Wars Prequel.

The only thing that came out of his reviews is that he gave armchair retards buzzwords so that they could throw criticism at movies without backing anything up. This thread being a major example, he basically created a bible for npcs to follow.

I thought the prequels were fucking trash the very day they came out you zoomer shitstain.

The prequels might be literally some of the most horrendously shot movies ever made.

Fuck off retard I saw PM in cinema with my dad and though it was trash. People hated it years before Plinkett. I remember shitloads of horrible reviews when it came out. Almost every video game magazine was talking about it.

They're in focus, I suppose. But in terms of style and what the framing adds to anything actually happening, it's got less going on than the local news.

user was saying the sequels were competently shot, which I guess they were. Some of it was a bit flat.

>reddit said prequels are bad
>so I think they are good
>because I don't have my own opinion due to lack of IQ points

Compared to the Disney movies, the prequels were suspenseful, masterfully written pieces of cinema with engaging characters.

>toplessrobot.com/2014/12/daily_list_star_wars_prequels_nerds.php
>2. Movies Are a Visual Medium.
>Think about most movies. Often, indeed what we see are scenes of people talking and interacting, then a cut to a different geographical place, followed by more talking and interacting. But it makes no sense at this point to use so little of film’s real potential and power... This is why someone like Terrence Malick gets so many people bowing at his feet, and I’m one of them. He uses imagery to tell his story, getting the most out of the medium.
>And so does George Lucas, much more so in the prequels, since CG had allowed his visual imagination to go wild.

Damn, maybe OP is right...

prequels are bad but he is exaggerating and many of his arguments can be applied to movies he thinks are good.

>tfw always liked prequels because always felt you're watching something set on space worlds
>get internet years later
>find out everyone hates them

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Yeah. The Disney movies are EXACTLY what RLM would have made. They don’t even deploy any real criticism against them, it’s right up their alley.
Of course, their abysmal popularity makes things awkward for the shitters m&j, so they try to sweep it under the rug.
Prequel haters got exactly what they wanted with the sequels and they hated it
“Easier to follow plot! No politics! No stupid aliens! More relatable characters! No creepy weirdo ‘men’ like anakin! More fights! More force powers! No romance plot! More callbacks! Jedi should be good guys 100%!”

If you mix it all together, and remove all the “challenging” concepts from the prequels; you get sequels.

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>Plinkett mindcontroled everyone into disliking the prequels
The absolute state of zoomer prequel apologists

Wow there are different approaches to telling a story? Really user??
You can just say that you like refn movies more, or maybe someone with more “modern” sensibilities with clear allegory like jj abrams and fincher

Criticizing george because he is different, and made different choices in the prequels seems strange, and also makes me wonder if you’re a Star Wars fan at all

>RLMfags are illiterate
who knew

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>implying they didn't
How many Room tier so bad it's good films are made by a filmmaking madlad with no one to check him vs how many are made by shitty business fueled groupthink, focus group testing, ticking off SocJus boxes and targeting the lowest common denominator?

based neet dreams / extramana

Unironically this

I've never really changed my mind on the prequels from watching the reviews.

I still think TPM is the best of the three and RotS is the most-overrated. But I do enjoy that the reviews point out flaws I never thought of before.

But Lucas didn't do anything "different". The prequels are full of boring flat shots in bland locations, horrendously cluttered actions scenes and tiny physical sets surrounded by greenscreen that mean the actors can't move more than six feet in any direction, like they were on an episode of TNG or something. Don't you see how absurd it is to compare that to a Terrence Malick film? What does that have to do with JJ Abrams or Nicolaus Winding Refn?

This
There are valid criticisms of the prequels but "hurr y r de litesabber fites good?" & "worldlbuilding bad" aren't criticisms, they blind nostalgiafagging. Plunkett and most prequel haters unironically claimed even attempting worldbuilding is bad and doesn't belong in Star Wars and that having lightsaber fights that actually look good is bad. It's amazing how often you don't hear criticisms of Anakin's dialogue or the plot of AotC brought up in criticism. Those things are objectively awful yet are little more than footnotes to nostalgiafags. To them the real problem was the universe was trying to hard to be internally consistent or how pod racing and seeing Yoda fight are bad because "reee stop having fun!"

When I was ten or some shit I went and saw all these bad boys in the theaters and even watched the first one three times. When you finally grow up and realize these flicks were for little kids to ogle and laugh at and have a fun adventure with, you will get why they didn't need to be as coherent as you want. In fact, when these got made it was at the end of a creative era. Nobody has valuable creative control these days.

>They don’t even deploy any real criticism against them
You have to literally ignore reality to come to this conclusion.

>what does that have to do with different filmmakers
Because different filmmakers choose to emphasize different things.
I understood the prior statement as criticism on his way of handling story, and how it unfolds, and to me it’s obvious george went for a more old school way of explaining motivations, to not “date” the movie in current year styles but to evoke old styles of filmmaking, while blending this with cutting edge technological inventions, like digital film and full cgi characters.

Hayden’s performance is likely inspired by James Dean for example, and was criticized as a result.
A lot of RLM-tier criticism comes from the characters being dorky, weak or explaining their motivations too much, or not enough. Most of it is silly and with weak foundation.

Also the prequels had more practical sets than the sequels, this is just a meme from RLM.
Naboo was mostly practical, coruscant (except for senate- practical), Tatooine, geonosis (except for factory), many spaceship interiors were built and a LOT of miniatures. Like Padme’s skyscraper, that was a miniature. As was dexters bar, as well as an interior set

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Compared to the autistically long plinkett reviews, the response to the sequels has been limp-dicked, don’t even try to deny it.
JJ and rian did the same choices that they would have done, RLM loves capeshit and bad action movies like looper after all.
So when their OWN vision came out on screen they suddenly understood, deep down, how absolutely trash they were.
We can also hope they realized that they built their careers off of dogpiling on a true auteur like George, and that they should feel shame.
But I might be optimistic

I was 16 when the TPM came out. Me and my friends were huge nerds, and super excited to watch the movie. My friend Joe, had gotten his drivers license and a car (one of those nice 90s Jettas) for his birthday, so four us piled in and went two towns over to see it. Stood in line like retards and everything. Everyone was cheering and when the lights went down and the crawl started people were clapping.
The clapping and cheering slowly died down over the course of the movie. Anytime Jarjar was on screen the audience was silent. Anytime Padme was on screen there were a few whistles, but otherwise silent.
The fight scene with Maul in the reactor got some claps and cheering again, but I was mostly silent.
After the movie ended, the four of us left, and Joe said "oh boy! wasn't that awesome?!" and the other three of us agreed "yeah... that was cool..." but we could tell something was wrong. But we were 16, young and dumb and barely capable of talking to girls, much less elucidating the problems our brains were going over in the back of our heads.
Then Mr Plinkett came along about 15 years later and spelled it out perfectly.

I remember reacting in a similar way to your friend Joe when I saw Prometheus. I made so many excuses for that film, but when I rewatched a few years later I realised that the only thing worthwhile in the whole flim was that the creepy robot man inspired me to start cutting my hair differently.

The prequels are dry, look awful and are full of contrivances. All the "cutting edge technological inventions" and James Dean inspired performances in the world won't change that.

I had already seen the original trilogy at the local drive-in and I hated the prequels. Mike "Every Kike on a Spike" Stoklasa was right and you can go fuck yourself.

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its funny because Mike isn't actually redpilled or a Nazi so saying that phrase is ironic just like there movies its so dense lol

>dry
Difference in taste, you didn’t like it, ok.
>look awful
Explain, and also explain what they’ve done wrong, and what should be changed. Again, very subjective (not definitive or objective fact!)
>full of contrivances
Like what? The plot is solid, and makes sense in many ways: as a Greek tragedy, an insight into a dying republic, as a conspiracy movie and as a heroic saga of anakin.

The arguments against are flimsy as fuck and filled with personal feelings, yet claiming to be “objective” proof.

Funny that things like the cgi being overabundant is discarded when proven wrong. Very dishonest and weasely behavior

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I actually respect them for taking the clip of them saying JJ Abrams should have directed the prequels quote and proudly displaying it so it could be more easily cited by sequel haters.

>well the Disney movies may be weak, but at least they're better than the prequels! hyuck hyuck hyuck
>They're worse than the prequels in just about every way that isn't CGI quality

>yet claiming to be “objective” proof.
Did I? And I 100% stand by the CGI being a hideous mess that pollutes the majority of the film. I'd argue there is no taste, they are films without flavour, memorable characters, interesting dialogue or impactful action scenes. An enraged and frustrated Luke mashing his sword down on Vader in Return is far more interesting and memorable than all the pointless summersaults and gormless droids being cut in half in any of the prequels. That fight in Return has steaks, it's the culmination of hours of characterisation and doesn't overwhelm the viewer with pointless visual clutter or filler.

As for contrivances you have the way everyone ignores Anakin clearly becoming an aggressive liability, Padme pretending she can't have a romantic relationship because she's a minor politician, or that time there were staggered forcefields in the way of Obi-Wan so Liam Neeson could get killed by that monster man with the silly facepaint. And that's just the shit I remember off the top of my head.

You can like a terrible film, I've seen the look of shock on people's faces when I tell them I like Predator 2 just as much as the first one, but the prequels are a hot mess of bad ideas, lazy cinematography and pointless backstory.

False equivalence. You're comparing a pivitol moment in the film's plot, to killing random droids. The equivalent would be Luke shooting any random Stormtrooper.
The extravagant fight scenes in the prequels are also just fun visual spectacles. Not everything has to be about muh emotional resonance, but it's there when you need it. Obi-Wan seeing his master killed is a strong moment. Anakin finally becoming Vader is a strong moment.

Predator 2 is fucking great though and its only real flaw is that its a sequel to a perfect movie, like robocop 2.

>The extravagant fight scenes in the prequels are also just fun visual spectacles.
No they aren't, they're completely vapid and without meaning. I don't care how many of those Jedi die saving Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme because I never knew who they were and it has no bearing later on. I'm sure you're going to draw some silly comparison to Saving Private Ryan now or something. However...

>Anakin finally becoming Vader is a strong moment.
...I'm quite sure I'm being trolled now so I'm going to stop. Have a nice day.

Not everything has to be about "muh meaning". What was the meaning behind Luke fighting all of those guys on the barge? Not much. But it was a fun spectacle. A big part of what Star Wars is is visual spectacle. That's what it always was.
>he yells "no" so it's bad.
It's Star Wars. It's melodramatic and cheesy. It's that way by design. The OT is full of cheesy dialogue that no one ever brings up because it's a sacred cow.
>only a master of evil, Darth

predator 2 is probably most likely a better movie than 1. The setting does a lot to the character.

Anyway, I'd argue there's a lot of merit to your point, if you go by purely visceral and 'raw' emotions, then the fights at ep 5 + 6 are very good.
My opinion is that the prequels benefitted from not taking such obvious sides, or going so deep into the drama, compared to the OT.
If we as outsiders look at the happenings of the prequels with a neutral outlook, we can appreciate much more of the story, of the characters and of the nuance shown within.

Example: Jedi are fallible. They do very important, crazy decisions based on midichlorian count. This is an example of something people criticize lucas for, but he uses it to criticize the JEDI. Quick way of showing us how complacent, reliant on technology and spiritually corrupt they are.
Same deal with the archive files.

Qui Gon is not an arbiter of good. Obi wan is not an arbiter of good. I mean, look at the paragraph above. People want unquestioned "good guys" for simplicity's sake, but that, again, goes against what Lucas wanted to do.

'Anakin is weird and "uncool" a lot of the time, he should either be a fully formed awesome guy or a more believably "corrupt" guy'
something like that is always posted.
People have a lot of emotional investment in whether the former Vader is cool or not, i find it silly. Anakin's arc is masterfully executed, we see his dysfunction due to being raised by monks and still remembering his mother every night, having weird forbidden sex feelings but being unable to act on them, murdering a whole village in his early twenties and simultaneously getting praise for his fighting skills and warmaking potential as a general.
The whole jedi-master situation is the culmination of years of chafing and pride being stepped on, but he still remains loyal until Windu (the personification of jedi dogma) wants to break iron-clad rules.

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and to sort of end with debunking your claims of plot holes
Padmé is sort of conflicted with anakin because he is a massive fascist and sperg about things in general, but is also very charming, forward and chad in general. She means a lot more to him than he does for her, she's sort of a surrogate mother to him. Of course she can feel all this while it's happening, hence the conflict within.

In a way they both default to the first encounter, even in later movies. She is a lot more wise/older and more put together than him, but naive as hell, while he has seen some shit, and is scarred for life, while being very dependent on her.
That's why she "pretends" (it's really a futile objection: she wants his dick- it's just for the record).

Everyone ignores Anakin becoming a liability because they don't fucking listen or care. Not even when Anakin TELLS yoda does he listen. They love anakin because he can kills separatists for them, but they don't respect him, or expect anything of him.
That's how he feels about them anyway. He's a troubled young man, who cut his teeth in war, and he's far too valuable to remove from his position.

The forcefields were simple dramatic use of the set. Most likely some sort of energy outlet for the mining operation taking place on Naboo.
Same energy the gungas use for war, the naboo elite export to the galactic center. Likely through the trade federation, which is how the entire conflict arose anyway.
So Lucas is using that last fight setpiece to explain a little bit through VISUALS what naboos economy is built upon: the shadowy cellars of the palace.

Can prequel apologists just kill themselves already?

I like Mike, but the way he's now trying to act like TFA was shit when he literally said it was everything he was hoping for when it came out is embarrassing.

I think my only problem with Anakin, now that I've had time to thing about it, is they made him so young in TPM. It creates an awkward disconnect between Anakin in TPM, and Anakin in the next two movies, since they had to switch actors. The really needed a singular actor to play him for the whole trilogy. Not necessarily someone as old as Mark Hamill, but maybe they could have cast an actual 17 year old instead of a "17 year old", and then we could see him physically grow on screen.
Anyway, my complaints are about the prequels are pretty minor at this point. I've come to the conclusion that they're good movies, with a few pitfalls, that were unfairly shat upon by butthurt gen Xers who couldn't handle growing up, and not feeling the "magic" anymore.

Star wars should have had only 3 films

Yeah, but those early attempts weren't the worse. It was good that we were finally able to see George's true vision though.

I'm not a star wars fan, but these guys genuinely deserve to be killed

You're right, OP. Mr Plinket released hours of video footage of him just repeating the line "the prequels are bad" with literally no points to support it.

>explains in detail why they suck
half his criticism is"'Lucas clearly doesn't put effort in, you can tell because I took every scene from the making of documetary where he's sitting down and played them in sequence"
I knew his prequel reviews were bullshit when I watched the whole TPM doc for myself, Lucas put a shit ton of effort into those movies and pushed technology to the next level to make them a reality.

You might not like some of his creative decisions, and the guy can't write dialogue for shit, but to call him lazy is bullshit.

>
very impotent response all things considered

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I think your face is ugly

George Lucas was lazy with the prequels

Plinkett released hours of his opinion presented as fact.
>the politics is bad because they is boring
I don't agree.
>kid's wont understand, so it's bad
I didn't know what an empire or rebellion was as a kid. Like 90% of the actual plot of the OT went over my head when I was six. I liked R2D2 and the laser swords though.

The politics of Star Wars IS boring, though. Only Lucas could make a galactic-wide civil war boil down to some random trade dispute.
>>kid's wont understand, so it's bad
That's not the point he was making. Lucas was going around telling everyone who hated the movies that they were for children, but yet the entire movie is about a trade dispute. It's not that kids don't understand, it's that they don't care.

Many of his points are objectively wrong and require you to turn your brain off and not think about things, and go with assumptions.
>"the films are nothing but green screen footage and computer effects" when TPM alone used more miniatures than the OT
>"Yoda fighting goes directly against his character" when he's fighting just to save Anakin and Obi-Wan, and is using the force to make himself more agile
>"the movies had no passion behind them and were just made for a paycheck" when Hayden and Ewan spent ages practicing and memorizing the choreography for the Mustafar duel because they were passionate about it

Titanic is his only legitimately great review

"I'm smart and better than everyone else" for one hour

>Only Lucas could make a galactic-wide civil war boil down to some random trade dispute.
Its like saying that WW1 "boils down" to that Austrian duke getting killed

Already disliked them, was just happy to have someone elucidate why my brain was rejecting the Prequels.

Much as George should not play supreme dictator for Star Wars, I'll absolutely admit he at least had ideas and took risks, and that's admirable. TLJ also took risks, mind, but probably not on purpose and definitely in a more condescending way.

There is literally nothing else explained about the political situation in Star Wars that suggests there were any underlying tensions within the Galaxy. Everything was fine up until this random trade dispute that eventually resolved itself.
>trade dispute happens, never explained why
>trade dispute turns into civil war, never explained why

>the yoda fighting argument
its just lmao because they never fucking realize that entire fight is character development

we see a younger, retarded jedi-dogma yoda try to punch his way through an ideological fight, and fails every time.
Yoda in effect, startss the clone wars in ep2, and concedes he knows absolutely nothing at the end.

guess what, character can be different at different points in the story!

>Rogue One
Objectively wrong. Thing was directed by a cinematographer and it shows. R1 has some of the best shots in the franchise.

Elements of the films, like Jar Jar Binks were for children, and that's not a problem.

Why is fighting against Yoda's character again? Because he never does it in the OT? He was always a master Jedi. You could assume at least at one point he was able to handle himself.

>we see a younger, retarded jedi-dogma yoda
Yoda was like 870 years old already during the prequels, for fuck's sake.

870 years young.

>Why is fighting against Yoda's character again?
Because he says
>war does not make one great

A lot of the shot/reverse shot hallway talking was visually boring, Anakin was too young to self insert or identify was in TPM, Jar Jar was an annoying personality to have around the entire movie (he could have been comic relief for a couple of specific scenes, not the entire movie) the over reliance on CGI didn't age well, and the lightsaber fights were too prolonged and draining.

Pod Racing was kino and the kind of shit I which we saw more of in Star Wars.

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Because the entire point of the Yoda character is to show that the Force doesn't just mean you can swing a lightsaber or throw rocks around.

it is explained

Trade feds are taxed, they're angry, try to force the conflict to resolve itself.
It's routine, going by the wear and tear of their army.

People in the senate are pretty much in league with powerful lobbies and tribes and clans like the feds and the banking clans.
The bureaucracy is ineffective, nothing gets made. People cheat others and feel cheated: the system does not work.

Palpatine rides the coattails of the crisis to become the chancellor. Takes a hardline stance, further pisses off the (soon-to-be) separatists. Forbids them from trying to make things right in their mind.
Things further complicated by the conflict being racially motivated. Every single species joining the separatists is an alien. Humans are on the republic side. What happens here we have to guess, but the imagery shown tells us that the humans probably had it pretty good in the center of the galaxy, while productive societies like the trade feds and other separatists probably got taxed out the ass and felt cheated, AS WELL AS taking this as racial discrimination.

The trade dispute turns to civil war literally when the jedi attack a sovereign world with an army of clones to rescue "republic spies" with no real casus belli.
But the tensions had been rising for about a decade prior, probably more.

The conflict centers around economy, production, geopolitics and some powder kegs going off just like in real life.

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So he should never fight to defend himself, his friends, or his beliefs?
That was his role in the OT. He's still a Jedi. He has still presumably used a lightsaber, since that's a part of what they do.

he hadn't lived through his life's most crushing defeat, the failure of all his teachings, and the destruction of everything he had built during those years yet is the point.

The prequels had a lot of very interesting ideas and worldbuilding but they just weren't very good movies. All substance, no style (still leagues better than soulless disneywars). The Plinket reviews are retroactively cringe because Mike is a Mouse shill cocksucker.

That's the Plinkett argument, yes.

INTERESTING that he says this AFTER the fact that he went to war, and failed miserably.

Almost like George Lucas wanted to make a fucking point, right user?

>He has still presumably used a lightsaber, since that's a part of what they do.
Then why didn't Yoda take out his lightsaber and show Luke how to do all those cool moves he did in the prequels?

George Lucas did not have the prequels in mind when he wrote the original trilogy. You're reaching.

He's been living in a swamp for 20 years, probably doesn't have his lightsaber, and he's on the verge of death.

I wish they embraced this and made it for adults/teens as a meaty expose on government corruption and bureaucracy collapsing under it's lack of response. The plot isn't something kids can relate to, but adults certainly can. It's obvious what George's message was for the prequels and his views on society.

I don't know what the fuck JJ Abrams ior Rian Johnson are trying to say for the New Trilogy. I can't find any message other than nostalgia pandering.

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That's kind of irrelevant, isn't it? You don't have to plot an entire story out first for it to work.

>popular figure said something
>so I disagree
>because I base my presence around being contrarian due to lack of personality

the sequels were flashy nonsense filled with empty political drama, paper-thin characters, and dialogue that would make a 15-year-old drama student say "that's a bit much"

>>Everything was fine
No it wasn't.
Tensions are inherent in a galactic-wide republic with a shitton of powerful factions from completely different civilisations competing for power.
>trade dispute happens, never explained why
>trade dispute turns into civil war, never explained why

Because one of these factions became powerful enough to flex on the official government, and because they were manipulated by Sheev who at the same time offered them support as the sith lord Sidious and acted against them in senate as Palpatine, this is more than enough to fuck shit up, considering how senate didn't even have their own army and had to rely on Jedi order as their branch of law-enforcement.
And I am only talking about the stuff we seen in the movies, not the expanded universe or something.

>sequels
meant to say prequels, but honestly the sequels are vapid enough to where I don't even care

also almost forgot: the situation on naboo vs the trade fed is further complicated by naboo clearly exporting Energy from the core of naboo (the whole palace fight battle parades this operation, same energy is used by gungans > its a natural resource). They're exporting this using the massive trade federation fleet, probably as merchant vessels and haulers.
The tariffs placed on trade federation is a clear hostile and extortionist move that cuts into their margins.
The Tfeds decide they can force a settlement, since they have backing from sidious, a nebulous figure claiming to have sway in the senate, and they're right!

Chancellor valorum sends the jedi illegally to settle the issue with the feds, which is also a sort of grey area, since by that time they hadn't done anything wrong, and Qui gon was clearly there to intimidate or even "persuade" the leaders to submit.
The chancellor probably uses jedi in this fashion all the time, and the trade federation leadership basically shit their pants at this act of aggression. They double down on their plans, and turn a blockade into a full scale invasion.

This is all text, this is all the first minutes of the movie. If you knuckleheads actually ANALYSE movies you might have more fun.

Lucas comes from a different era. Directors Abrams and Johnson don't believe movies should have soul or a message. They see film as nothing more than a product to be consumed

>>popular figure said something

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i like that we can have movies with these things, and also other things like pod racing and obi wan going to a diner to talk shit about droids with an old ex-convict friend of his.

>RLM releases a review
>go into thread about said movie
>folks are already parroting their views and observations verbatim

Every single time

>phantom menace review has over 9mil views
>attack of the clones review has 2mil views
>revenge of the sith review has over 3.5mil views
>not popular
based retard, I guess

and FUCK jannies

Plinkett released hours of his opinion presented as opinion. You mistook it as a presentation of fact. It's OK to agree with other people's opinion when presented with an explaination.

its weasely and ideologically motivated at best, and flat out wrong at worst. Respond to some posts itt if you can, most of the arguments for the prequels get no (you)s and it makes me sad

so there less popular then that nerd guy who reviews video games?

yeah, probably
less popular than "invented an entire subgenre of internet videos" can still mean popular, user

>b-but whatabout...
Jesus christ lad put those goalposts back where they were.

Yeah he loved it. Had almost no real criticisms of it in the review, other than jaded critiques of the industry itself

You are cherrypicking extremely hard. They shit on the disney movies all the fucking time even outside of episodes directed towards them and they did make plinkett reviews about the sequels too

What's with the "prequels were only hated when RLM did their reviews?" Is it from Razorfist?

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They were generally regarded as weaker than the OT, which they are. But there used to be a lot of back and forth on what exactly they did well, and what exactly they did poorly. Ever since RLM, people have basically just been parroting their opinions. People used to be able to say they liked the action sequences in the prequels, but that's basically verboten now.

From the Plinkett Force Awakens review:

>Anyway, then we hear that J.J. Abrams is signed on to direct Star Wars: Episode 7. This was of course an idea I suggested YEARS ago based on his exciting and energetic Star Trek films. He seemed more suited for the Star Wars universe than the Star Trek one. (Spock beating Kahn to a pulp) Oh my god, how embarrassing.

>And he DID do a great job making the film! The original cast would be back in some degree, Lawrence Kasdan was rumored to write, John Williams would return to write the score, and more importantly J.J. wanted to focus his efforts on making it look like a Star Wars film, utilizing real sets, locations, props, creatures, and even shooting it on real film with some of the original lenses used on “A New Hope”.

>I recall making a LOT of these suggestions! WHERE’S MY CHEQUE?!?!

>Number 1: Real sets and less CGI

>2: Storm Troopers as real people

>3: Real, actual Storm Trooper costumes… not cartoons!

>Emotional, real, raw light saber battles

>So with these things done right, what could have POSSIBLY gone wrong??? Well… not… too much. More missed opportunities than things gone wrong.

>Let me explain.

>Star Wars: Episode 7 is like a beautiful new home.

>Han: “We’re home.”

>You walk in it, and it has a lot of the stuff your old home had… and a lot of stuff EVERY home should have: A kitchen, stove, a couch, a toilet, bedrooms, etc. You walk through it for that first coupla times and you say, “Wow! This is a nice home!” but behind the walls there’s some termites, and a few load-bearing Krusty the Clown posters.

>Bart: “I wouldn’t take it down if I were you. It’s a load-bearing poster.” (The wall starts cracking)

>As Ned Flanders said, “You can’t live in good intentions.”

>Ned: “WELL MY FAMILY AND I CAN’T LIVE IN GOOD INTENTIONS, MARGE!!!”

>Star Wars crewman: “You know. It’s being done with… such love and such enthusiasm from everybody.”

>Homer: “What do ya think of the house that LOVE built?” (The house collapses) “Aww, shoot.”

>My first reaction to this film was a moderately positive one. That’s because I was on Vicodin! But as the dust settles, some cracks appeared. Not so much in plot holes or shitty execution - cuz it’s a fun, well made movie – but the cracks are in the mystery behind it. Unlike Yoda, I’m able to sense the Dark Side; the soulless evil force that is the Hollywood machine, and their manipulative string pulling.

>The Hollywood machine has got its filthy hands on my Star Wars! The smartest thing Harrison Ford did was get out early. Spoilers… he died. Not Harrison Ford, surprisingly, but Han Solo. I never thought I’d say these words, but the olden days of an insane elderly kook running the show now seems quaint. Now THESE guys (Disney Executives) are in charge, and it’s a FUCKING FACTORY folks!

>So now I’m gonna analyze the shit out of all of this. All cylinders are firing!!! I just smoked a fucking crack pipe, too.

>Number 5: The Soft Reboot

>Remakes have gotten very, very old. Only mental patients (Randy Quaid) like them. Hollywood made remakes because of the title and brand recognition, but when that started to fail they shifted gears to a concept called Soft Rebooting; meaning that it’s a remake, yes, but it’s also kind of a sequel so it’s NOT a remake. Only some of us that have an I.Q. above 80 can recognize this.

>Some recent examples are the Vacation movie with Ed Helms. It’s essentially an attempt to remake the Vacation movies; Helms plays a grown up Rusty who goes on the same exact plot as the first movie: to get to Walley world. There’s also a cameo by Chevy Chase.

>Rumors are swirling about ANOTHER Gremlins film. It probably won’t be called Gremlins 3, but it’ll have Zach Galligan in it as Billy Peltzer, and he’ll have a cameo warning the NEW kid about the Mogwai, and the 3 rules. So it’s not a remake. It’ll technically still exist in the Gremlin’s universe and timel- But who are we kidding, folks?!?!

>Another good example is Jurassic World. Some hints and references to the fact that the events of Jurassic Park happened, but it’s basically the same movie: Dinosaur Park happens, Dinosaur Park runs amok, and then we realize not to fuck around with nature.

This is pure bullshit

>But anyway, these films aren’t on the same level as Star Wars. In hindsight, one of the GOOD things about the prequels… was not the light saber fights, but the fact that they weren’t SOFT REBOOTS!

>George: “They wanted to do a retro movie. I don’t like that. I like… I w- EVERY movie, I work very hard to make them DIFFERENT!”

>They were terrible, yes, but they were totally DIFFERENT movies. They had a lotta callbacks, and Star Wars hallmarks, but they were really different films. In hindsight... I can say that that’s at LEAST a positive. I have to go wash my mouth out with soap!

>Now is it fair to call one of the most financially successful movies of all time a Soft Reboot scam that tricked billions of people? YES, CUZ IT WAS!!! (A huge Comic Con trailer showing) You’ve been caught red-handed! I mean red-armed! (C-3PO’s red arm)

>And much like the tricks Candy turns in the back alley, it was:

>Pretty Good

>A decent length for my money’s worth

>And it GAVE ME AIDS!!!

Number 6: These Reboots Were Made For Walkin’

Mark: “Nothing’s changed, really. I mean everything’s changed, but nothing’s changed. That’s the way you want it to be, really.”

So George offered up a bunch of terrible, strange, salad-filled ideas to Disney, and they basically told him to get fucked. He later admitted that they just wanted to do fan-service.

George: “They looked at the stories, and they said, “We wanna make something for the fans”.”

When making the first film that is supposed to set up a cinematic universe, the LAST thing you wanna do is make a terrible off-putting movie your audience HATES. (Sad Batfleck) WHOOPS!

But ya, Disney didn’t get to where they’re at by making terrible and offensive movies.

Uncle Remus: “Appears to me that you’s in a powerful bad mood to go to the pawty”

Br’er Rabbit: “I ain’t goin’ to no pawty!”

Uncle Remus: “Show hope you knows what you’s doin’.”

Oh my GoooOOD!!!

>I'm 15

But is “The Force Awakens” too similar to “A New Hope”? Is it MEANT to be?

George: “Only - do something that’s PROVEN… Let’s stop doing it- you gotta remember, Star Wars came from NOWHERE! There was nothing LIKE it! NOW… if you do anything that’s not a sequel… or not- or doesn’t look like one, they won’t do it! They say, “We want something that we know…”.”

Interviewer: “So that’s the down side of Star Wars.”

George: “That’s the down side of Star Wars, and it really shows an enormous… lack of imagination, and FEAR of creativity… on the part of an industry.”

Some asshole in a Behind the Scenes documentary: “I’m sure wo- his return (Nien Nunb) will be celebrated as much as-as the return of ANY character.”

George: “The movie business is exactly like professional gambling… except you HIRE the Gambler – usually some crazy kid with long hair who’s like, “I don’t get this guy at ALL” (George on “A New Hope’s set) – you give him 100 million dollars, and you say, “Go to the tables, and come back with 500 million dollars.”. THAT is a RISK. Now, studios don’t even think of it that way. They say, “Well maybe if we- if we, uh, uh, told him that he couldn’t bet on red, maybe if we told him – cuz we did market research and we’ve realized that red wasn’t… - so they tried to minimize their risk, but once you- And of course you’re HIRING the KID to be… take RISKS, to be CREATIVE, to do things that have NEVER been done before. Never been tested! You have NO idea whether they’re gonna work or not. That’s completely the antithesis of what a… big, modern corporation is.” DING (DISNEY logo pops up)

So let’s get down to it and talk about the similarities, and I’m well aware I’m not the first person to notice all this, but it must be discussed. Also, please remember there is a built in defense for all of this.

George: “Again, it’s like poetry so that they rhyme.”

The old Lucas logic that this kinda history repeats itself, or its themes, call-backs, homage, whatever you wanna kill it, it’s SOMEWHAT ACCEPTABLE in this film… but ONLY in this film. Also, I threw in a couple of moments and visuals taken from “Empire” and “Jedi” as well. If you got a problem with that, you can stick your complaints right up your ASS.

Open with the Star Destroyer

Storm Troopers attacking people

Arrival of a Darth Vader type character looking for something

Resistance member hides secret plans in droid.

“This is a rescue.” As he takes his helmet off.

Luke: “I’m Luke Skywalker! I’m here to rescue you!”

Finn: “This is a rescue!”

Characters escaped Star Destroyer

Characters stranded on a desert planet… meets local

Darth Vader: “I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.”

Kylo Ren: “I want that map.”

Rey: “I’ve never met a resistance fighter before.”

Luke: “YOU know of the Rebellion against the Empire?!”

Rey: “Luke Skywalker?! I thought he was a myth!”

Talking about the Force while traveling somewhere

Space chess

Blaster ball

BB-8 and R2-D2 roll around

Han offers main character a job

Young Han: “Why don’t you come WITH us? You’re pretty good in a fight. I could use you.”

Old Han: “I’ve been thinkin’ about bringin’ on some more crew, Rey, uh…”

Cantina scene with weird aliens

Booking transport in a weird alien Cantina

Fake prisoner plan

Luke and Rey are overwhelmed with their situation and run away

Star Killer or Death Star destroy a planet as an example of what it can do

Military meeting to discuss how to blow up the Death Star or the Star Killer base

Sneaking around Death Star to shut down the shields, or shut down the tractor beam

Jedi mind trick on a Storm Trooper

Leia in control room as weapon charges or comes in range

The music alone makes the prequels better than most movies.

imagine being a jannie

Attached: jannie.webm (1280x720, 1.02M)

Darth Vader: “I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.”

Kylo Ren: “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

Mentor or father-figure dies and leads to killing Storm Troopers

X-Wings fly towards Death Star

X-Wings fly down a trench on the Death Star and shoot at a thing

Flying the Falcon inside a space ship or Death Star

Sitting down after a great disturbance in the Force

Han puts explosive charges on a thing that’ll blow up and disable shields

Darth Vader: “I am your Father.”

Snoke (To Kylo): “In the hands of your father.”

Bad guy talks to a giant hologram

A monster belches after eating someone

Chewbacca’s growl scares away a droid

Rey and Luke play pretend with space shippy things

Han and Chewwy go through or come out of a diamond shaped blast door

Light saber stuck in the snow gets pulled out… by Jedi magic

Light saber RIGHT BY YOUR FUCKING FACE

Falcon and X-Wings fly away from exploding Death Star or Star Killer base

Help is sought out for an injured character after the big weapon is destroyed

Giant weapon, thing, planet thing blows up

Number 7: The Force Awakened, But It Slept Through Some Things…

When I give “Force Awakens “ a pass for being a quote “Play it safe soft reboot”, or quote “Just setting the stage”, or “Reintroducing a new generation to what Star Wars is who may have never seen it” – I recall using the same stupid logic with “Star Trek: The Star Trek”; a film that was a pointless villain of the week movie that basically served the ultimate purpose of just getting Kirk into the captain’s chair. SURELY they’ll take it in a different direction!

Oh, wait… it’s just the “Wrath of Kahn”…

Spock: “KAAAAAAAAHHHNNNNNN!”

Oh my God. How embarrassing!

…albeit not beat for beat, but it’s “The Wrath of Kahn”. Big movies can now only do TWO things:

Revenge from Some Guy

Or A Giant Doomsday Weapon… which is usually fueled by revenge from some guy.

Granted the original Trek features were never brilliant works of art (awkward examples from the movies), they did tell weird stories about time traveling to get whales, a crazy guy who wants to find God, putting Spock’s soul back into his body, a sentient satellite named Vagina who wanted to mate with its creator, and a wonderful film that mirrored the U.S. / Soviet Cold War right as it came to an end.

Only one film was about a guy who wanted revenge. I think Abrams and Disney knew what elements worked with Star Wars, and what people liked about it:

Destiny
Family
Bad guys with big bad plans
Darth Vader type guy who said more than 3 words
Battles
Adventures
Light humor
Chases

And most importantly: Light Saber battles with emotion – With the exception of Finn awkwardly fighting that stupid cattle-prod wielding Storm Trooper, we barely see any light sabers in the film. I recall saying this in my “Revenge of the Sith” review that bigger… isn’t always better.

I would have been very happy to see Anakin just fight Obi-Wan on the side of a volcano with some trees… some fake lava, and a smoke machine. We actually got a fight JUST LIKE THAT in “The Force Awakens”. They didn’t fight for 2 hours in 5 locations; just a short, brutal fight in the cold woods.

We LIKED Rey. We liked Finn. They were both nice minorities, and we thought Kylo Ren was an unstable, childish prick who deserved to get bested. That sequence was VERY Star Wars.

Kylo Ren was much different villain than we’ve seen before, too. People have called him “Emu”, cuz he pouted, needed validation, and so desperately wanted to be cool and evil and respected. But he actually had a past, and some layers.

(Darth Maul takes off his hood) Oh… Sorry Darth Maul. I’m not gonna miss you. (Falls down the shaft in half) BYYYYYYEEEEE!!!!

Lor: “I know where you come from… before you called yourself Kylo Ren!”

Luke tried to train him, but he was seduced by the Dark Side, apparently? As Willy Wonka once said, “He was a bad egg.” (Kylo Ren falls down the Bad Egg chute)

Who do you blame when your kid is a… brat (Kylo)

Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese… cat (Can’t get the light saber from Ren)

Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame (Han looks concerned)

You know exactly who's to blame (Kylo and the Knights of Ren)

The mother and the father (Leia looking worried / Han getting rekt)

And that can happen. Just look at my fucking SON! Now every day when I eat Taco Bell I think of him. Then things started to go south for me. (Han falling dead)

While I appreciate the attempt to recreate the magic of the original Star Wars movies - y’know, with the same approaches to the production – I thought some tweaking of the story line might’ve been beneficial. So get ready kids. Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for.

>if you learn why a movie is bad from someone else, you're autistic, don't listen to experienced people

Next time you think you have cancer, don't go to the doctor to get tested. What are you, a fucking sheep? Form your own opinion on what you have.

Number 8: Things that Suck About “The Force Awakens”!!!

Number 1: Why didn’t Finn get a horrible bacterial infection after drinking standing water with monster saliva in it?! Doesn’t J.J. Abrams know about SCIENCE?!?!

Finn was easily able to take off his Storm Trooper helmet without unlocking anything, then why didn’t THEIR (Storm Trooper gets blasted) helmets fall off?!?! CLEARLY this is a MAJOR plot hole!!!

3: Rey slides down a huge sand hill on a piece of metal or something’, but how did she get up there?!?! I don’t see footprints!! That’s one hell of a climb that probably took all day, and made her really thirsty, and pass out from heat exhaustion! I DON’T BUY IT FOR A MINUTE!!!

Wait, you’re THAT close to the Republic home world and you take the droid to this shady cantina?!?! Oh, I guess you don’t have a fast method of transportati- Oooohhhh…

Number 6: Kylo Ren prays to Darth Vader’s helmet for strength in being evil, but this is the guy that killed the Emperor! WHAT A HOAX!!!

Number 7: The First Order REALLY wanted that droid captured / destroyed, yet they don’t send more than a few tie fighters to stop the Millennium Falcon

Storm Trooper: “Call in the air strike!”

When THIS scene happened in “A New Hope” those tie fighters weren’t meant to stop them, because they put a tracking device on the ship. It was a fake attack so that they thought they escaped!

Leia: “They let us go. It’s the only explanation for the ease of our escape!”

Han: “EASY?! You call that EASY???”

Leia: “They’re TRACKING us!”

Han: “Not THIS ship sister.”

Hux: “Capture the droid if we can, but destroy it if we must!”

If they wanted to blow them up, they would’ve done THIIISSS!!! (A shit ton of tie fighters in an ambush)

Finn: “You’re not hauling Rathtars on this freighter, are you?!”

Han: “I’m haulin’ Rathtars…”

Number 8: How does Finn know what a Goosebump, slime monster is, but NOT know about Wookies?

Finn: “I need help with this giant hairy thing! Stop moving!” (Chewwy screams)

They have a race, and a whole planet, and everything!

Finn: “You can understand that thing?!”

Oh my God… hurh… Anyway, I’m just kidding, kids. These are obvious pointless nitpicks left to the guys at Cinematic Rectum.

But let’s talk about it seriously. Here’s my only major issue with “The Force Awakens”:

In “Star Wars: A New Hope” it was satisfying when Obi-Wan said Vader murdered Luke’s father, and that Vader was a pupil of his who was seduced by the Dark Side.

Obi-Wan: “…who was a PUPIL of mine until he turned to evil.”

I JUST SAID THAT!

>needing "professionals" to tell your what your subjective opinion on a piece of entertainment is

A.K.A. Vader’s a bad guy. We got to know Luke Skywalker and his boring, moisture farming life, and then hear about these legends of old, knights, and Clone Wars, and most importantly the Force. All these ancient mysteries - that were dead and buried – that he was about to rediscover. They were personified in Obi-Wan. This was EXCITING to him, to escape his boring life with his shitty foster parents, and go out to find something better and more exciting.

This is where it’s physical proof that “The Force Awakens” was a soft reboot, because the ten or so years leading up to “The Force Awakens” would have made a much more interesting movie. We already know all the stuff about the Dark Side, and the Force, and what happened before. Repeating the Luke narrative with a girl is BORING!

BUT, the REAL audience are these kids! (Several kids in Star Wars costumes with toys) I guess they need to experience Star Wars for the first TIME, or something. WHAT, don’t their shitty parents have a fucking DVD player?!

How ‘bout this:

Everyone in the new Republic is sitting pretty; maybe a nice role reversal. The NEW Republic builds the super weapon as the ultimate defense against any attack by the fledgling First Order, which are kind of a joke to the galaxy after they got bested by EWOKS. Their weapon’s system would kinda be like Ronald Reagan’s “Star Wars Program” – No pun intended… Seriously!!!

But then Leia says, “This weapon makes me nervous, and it’s against our values and morals. Let’s dismantle it!”

But THEN, a Rebel group from The First Order steals the weapon – maybe blows up the Republic’s home planet, or does some kinda major damage - this forces Han Solo out of his private life as a smuggler, y’know, cuz he wants to see if Leia is okay.

And then Leia has to flee from her cushy position of power and is forced back into the Rebel underground movement, for which she is unprepared.

The act of seeing this big attack by The First Order is what causes Finn to go AWOL. This event causes a major shift in the Force; waves of the Dark Side are awoken! This wakes up the Gollum, or whatever his name was, (Snoke) which messes up Luke’s training and brings out the Dark Side in Kylo and his new followers.

There is now an imbalance of the Force! We discovered that Ren was really just looking for power, and now he sees that it’s more obtainable via Snoke and The First Order.

MAYBE then we coulda seen Han and Luke on screen together before Luke ran away into hiding.

Maybe Han coulda said, “You can’t run away from your problems, Luke.”

Then Luke could say, “Isn’t that what YOU did, Han?”

Han would half-smile and say, “Take care of yourself, kid.”

And Luke would say, “You too.”

Y’know, like a nice little call-back to the scene in “Empire”?

Luke: “You too.” (A sad Chewwy whines while Han thinks)

We’d then later in the film find out this is the last time they see each other. (Han gets rekt)

Oh well, I guess. Han’s dead now and Luke was just pissing off a cliff. Who cares?

But ya, instead we got a repeat of a story we’ve seen before:

New Luke! (Rey)

New – Sort of – Han! (Poe)

Poe: “Guys, we got a lotta company!!!”

Han: “LUKE!!! WE’RE GONNA HAVE COMPANY!!!”

New R2-D2 / C-3PO Combination! (BB-8)

New Obi-Wan! (Old Han)

New Vader! (Kylo Ren)

New Tarkin! (Hux)

New Yoda! (Maz)

New Emperor! (Snoke)

New Death Star! (Star Killer Base)

And so on, and so on! Same old; same old!

There are some GENUINE mysteries in “The Force Awakens” that are left opened. Like who is Snoke? Is he the famous Darth Plagueis?

Everyone born before 1990 hated prequels long before RLM came along, lil zoom.

Palpatine: “Darth Plagueis was a dark lord of the Sith. So powerful, and so wise, he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians (Rey as a kid) to create… life!”

He’s got some kind of horrible scar on his face, so maybe he survived Palpatine’s murder attempt? Or he could just be some kind of random generic Sith lord? Is he actually what his hologram shows, or is that a mask? Maybe it’s Luke Skywalker controlling everything from his secret island like the Wizard of Oz? It’s not TOO farfetched.

(Rey and Dorothy walking away) We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OLD! (Many comparisons between Dorothy’s story and Rey’s story) We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OLD!

Wicked Witch of the West: “I’m melting!!! (Kylo fighting and losing) Oooohhh, my world, my world!!! Who would have thought a good little girl (Rey) could destroy my beautiful wickedness!” (Kylo rekt)

And also, the character of Rey has stirred up some controversy as well! She may appear to be a “Luke Clone” on the surface – Oh, sorry to Boba Fett. No offence. But, HOPEFULLY there might be twist!

I’ve heard an interesting theory about this:

The idea that Rey might be a Vergence of the Force.

Yoda: “A VERGENCE you say.”

Mace: “Located around a… person?”

A.K.A. A virgin birth. A.K.A. The reincarnation of Anakin Skywalker! A.K.A. FEMALE DARTH VADER!!!

(Pink Darth Vader costume with big tits) Oh, well… Probably not like that. Jesus Christ, I HOPE not like that!

Which makes sense why she was left on a planet alone. Probably not by her quote “Family”, but probably by Luke. You see, she’s darn good with technical stuff, AND most importantly, when she touched the light saber, she got flooded with memories; one most interesting being of her in the “Empire” duel hallway on Cloud City. Why would just some Force sensitive girl have those kind of flashbacks when she just touched a light saber?

Remember when Yoda-I- I mean Maz Cantina – or as she’s known on the streets, “Butt-Hole Eyes” – said the saber quote “Called out to her”.

Maz: “It calls to YOU!”

Will they take Rey and make her slowly turn to the Dark Side?

Also, Finn asked her how she did something, and she said she didn’t know.

Finn: “How did you DO that?!?!”

Rey: “I don’t know!”

Finn: “No one TRAINED YOU?!”

Rey: “I’ve flown some ships, but I’ve never left the PLANET!”

Finn: “That was amazing!”

I.E. She’s got those Force reflexes, and the instincts to think one step ahead before it happens. Just like little Anakin!

Or would it be too sexist to have a girl be a bad character? Will Kylo slowly turn back to the Light Side to help save her?

But the most important question of all… is who’s gonna be the bottom? (Record scratch)

Finn: “You got a boyfriend? A cute boyfriend?”

Rey (Poe): None of your business! That’s why!”

I mean, do we really need MORE gay characters in Star Wars?!?!

C-3PO: “Thank the Maker! This oil bath is going to feel SO good!”

Biggs: GAY

Vagina Monster in Cantina: GAY

Luke: GAY

General Cassio Tagge: SOOOOO GAY

R2-D2 sticking things into things: IMPLIED GAY

Grand Moff Tarkin: ELDERLY GAY

Bib Fortuna: EASTERN EUROPEAN GAY

Rebel Watch Guard: LONELY GAY

Lando: NOT GAY AT ALL

Mon Mothma: PROBABLY LESBIAN

Yarna d'al' Gargan: FOR SURE LESBIAN

Sarlacc Pit: POSSIBLY ASEXUAL

Smee: FOR SURE ASEXUAL

Number 9: Fan Service and Comedy

In addition to all the missed opportunities to tell an ACTUAL seventh film in the series…

George: “There IS no Episode 7.”

… there was a little too much fan service for my taste. Sometimes you gotta ask, “Do we really even NEED the Millennium Falcon in the movie?” (Everyone pissing their pants seeing it again) I guess so… But couldn’t Rey and Finn have had a NEW ship, like maybe this one? (The four engine ship that got destroyed)

Or what if you just DIDN’T have it in the movie? (Thunderous applause drowns him out) Oh, God.

Wai-wai-wait! What- How ‘bout some NEW ship that they could have. One that could potentially be even BETTER than- (People spazzing out) Okay, I SEE why you put it in the movie!

Well, if you put that in, let’s put everything else in:

Chess Board

Blaster Ball

Trash Compactor Reference

Han: “Trash Compactor?”

Cantina Band

Gonk Droid

Admiral Ackbar and Nien Nunb

Gas Masks

And Kelvin Bacon!

Rey: “Stay off Kelvin Ridge.”

Lastly, with the exception of C-3PO saying some comments here and there, I don’t recall too much COMEDY in the original trilogy. Especially slapstick! I said the ORIGINAL trilogy, not that (Prequel) crap!

Generally the Death Star was a scary place. It’s kind of tense when Obi-Wan is sneaking around. In THIS film (“Force Awakens”) it would seem that in order for the audience to actually like the characters, we needed to not take everything too seriously.

By no means am I saying that this was Star Wars: “The FARCE Awakens”, but c’mon!!!

Rey (while Finn fumbles with tools): “No. No! The one I’m pointing too! NO. NO! NO!!!”

Kylo Ren’s temper tantrums were within character, but went a little too far in a few places. (Him slicing up the room while guards turn and walk away)

Finn might be the WORST in terms of not taking things seriously…

Finn (BB-8 accusing him): “Hey! What?!”

Finn (To Phasma): “I’m in charge! I’m in charge now, Phasma! I’m in charge!”

Han: “Bring it down…”

Finn: “Down…”

…or for slapstick. (Crawling over Rey in the cockpit) In fact, I’m not sure what the purpose of his character was! I mean a black guy who DIDN’T want to shoot his gun?!?! Now this really IS science fiction!

(Boo’s and moans) Oh SHUT UP!!! Shut up! You know you laughed at it! I’ve had a coupla vodka gimlets tonight, so I might say some weird things. Y’know, hey- whatever y’know? Just li- (Falls down) OH FUCK!!!

Han(With Chewwy’s crossbow): “I LIKE this thing!”

Finn: “Hey Solo, I’m not sure what we’re walkin’ into here!”

Han: “Did you just call me Solo?” (Studio audience laughter)

Finn: “Sorry… Han… Mr. Solo.”

Poe: “WHY are you helping me?!”

Finn: “Because it’s the right thing to do.”

Poe: “…You need a pilot!”

Finn: “I need a pilot!”

Han (In the meeting): “How do we blow it up? There’s ALWAYS a way to do that.”

Han: “We DISABLE the shields!”

Han: “Kid, you worked there. What do you got?”

Finn: “I can do it.”

Han: “I like this guy.”

Finn (Sneaking with Han): “We HAVE to be ready for that. (Han does several nods) Now there’s an access tunnel that leads… Why are you doin’ that? Hm? Why are you doing this? (Imitates him) I’m trying to come up with a plan!”

Rey could’ve found BB-8 and met up with Poe and Solo. Finn didn’t have a big arc other than he decided to not to run away, and to help find Rey who really doesn’t need any help at all. Then he gets his spinal cord cut to shreds!

Hey, guess what Finn? Even though this is Star Wars, the Resistance doesn’t have UNIVERSAL health care. They just have Galactic health care, so you’re probably gonna have a pretty big deductible.

When Luke got his bill for that hand, he had to pay an arm and a leg! (Laughter) Thank you! Thank you. I’ll be here all night. Thank you, Cleveland!

Also, I’m triggered on Han’s use of the phrase “Mumbo-Jumbo”.

Han: “Thought it was a bunch of Mumbo-Jumbo.”

This phrase originated from the African Mandingo tribe. A “Maama Jomboo” was a masked dancer in their very sacred religious ceremonies. A white slaver coined the term in 1795 by misNAMING the thing a “Mumbo-Jumbo”, hence the term. Show some respect for other cultures!

Han: “Thought it was a bunch of Mumbo-Jumbo.”

This is RACIST! This whole film is a racist nightmare! (Damien Farrell and Olly Taylor acting Middle Eastern)

On THAT topic…

Number 10: The Diversity Awakens

Another clear product of corporate and committee thinking is the diversity in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, and yes… I’m going to go there.

When George Lucas made Star Wars, he was a rich white kid from California. He made a movie (HX-1138) about white people in a dystopian future, and another film (American Graffiti) about white kids racing their cars their rich white parents bought them. That’s the world that he KNEW.

Then he made Star Wars and only auditioned white people, casted them, and I’m sure there weren’t too many minorities in the film business in England in 1977 to work on Star Wars. George later attempted to correct his white washing of science fiction by making a movie about black pilots (Red Tails).

George: “I don’t know. I was sort of ahead of my time with “Red Tails”… y’know, an all-black film.”

Oh, and I guess he also put Lando in “Empire”.

But, my friends, it’s now a more diverse on-screen world we live in, and that’s a fine thing, BUT do you remember when morons on the internet attempted to boycott Star Wars, because of the two main leads? What was the fucking point of THAT???

Oscar: “It’s MOSTLY nitwits that get on there and start saying that kinda- Y’know, eh-eh- of COURSE that was gonna happen…

Interviewer: “Yeh.”

Oscar: “um… because there’s a lot of IDIOTS out there!”

So we’ve got a girl (Rey), a black guy (Finn), a man of Latin descent (Poe), a Japanese or Chinese or Korean man (Admiral Statura) - I’m not really sure to be honest, a black pilot, an Asian lady pilot, some Mediterranean-looking men… I don’t know. Arabic, Greek, Turkish, who knows?! C-3PO tried talking to them, but even HE couldn’t understand them!

C-3PO: “Remember that I am fluent in over 6 million forms of-.”

BABAGANOOSH

Then there was like a sassy black lady you’d see in a J.C. Penney catalogue, or some kinda advertisement for makeup. Then Han Solo gets confronted by the Japanese mafia?! And then the SCOTTISH mafia???

Bala-Tik: “You’re a dead man!”

What the fuck?!?!

Now who are all the WHITE people that show up in “The Force Awakens”?

Well, there are three elderly people who are near death (Han, Leia, and Luke), a spoiled brat (Kylo Ren), an insane, evil, fascist monster (Hux), and a fat ass (Guy next to Finn).

The NICE thing though is that in the background there’s good and bad characters of all races and genders. Even CRACKERS!

Old White Grandpa

Young White Lady

OTHER Black Lady

Bad Black Lady, or… Maybe Latino Black Lady

Old White Nurse Lady

Bad Scottish Guy

Good Asian

Bad Asian

Etc. Just like in REAL life! I think it’s great that we have three new heroes (Finn, Rey, and Poe) that are different than the previous generations; however, in a weird way I think Star Wars has always been immune to the whole “Race” and “Gender” thing. Just look at these kids from the 70’s. The black kid is playing with Obi-Wan, and the white kid is playing with Darth Vader. I think only us cynical adults over-think all this stuff. If you’re doing this diversity shit for the kids, and for them to have role models or whatever, I have a news flash for ya! They don’t give a shit!!!

The vast majority in the middle, ESPECIALLY kids, shrug their shoulders! I think kids would watch a Star Wars movie if it was a cast of ANY race!

J.J. on a Convention panel: “Here’s the thing. I’m NOT, uh, casting the movies that are coming out, but if I WERE too, I would cast them as ONLY Asian.” (Audience laughs)

As long as it didn’t bore the shit out of them! That’s all I have to say on this element of the movie. Oh wait! Just one more thing:

Keep the Malaysians outta Star Wars! (#boycottmalaysiansinstarwars) Those dirty people ain’t never done good for nobody.

Documentary Narrator: “It ALSO appears to provide prominent roles for African American, Latino, and Asian…”

OKAY, okay, we GOT it! Star Wars is now as diverse as it can fucking get! That’s FINE! That’s even GREAT, but while we have all people of different age, and race, and gender, what we are seriously lacking in “The Force Awakens” is SEX!!!

Leia: “Tell me!”

This is my other major problem with the movie. It’s not a big surface problem, but more something that’s always nagged me in the background. Now, rumors are swirling about Poe and Finn being the first gay couple in Star Wars. That’s GREAT! That’s fabulous, in fact! Then at least SOMEONE will wanna fuck! What the hell’s wrong with these people?!?! Are they robots??? Are they aliens??? Well, I guess they kinda ARE aliens.

Let me break this all down for you.

Star Wars was always oozing with sexuality. You may not have noticed it, but your brain did.

Biggs: “Luke, at that speed will we be able to pull out in time?!”

Leia: “You came in THAT thing? You’re braver than I thought!”

Han: “GET IN THERE YA BIG FURRY OAF! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SMELL!”

While they never outright SAID it, Luke was a horny 19 year old guy who was desperate to leave his lame aunt and uncle so he could get laid.

(Luke’s torpedoes get in the hole) “Gaaahhhhh!”

One more season meant another year of farming his OWN moisture, if you know what I mean.

Luke: “But it’s a whole nother year!!”

Then he sees Princess Leia’s hologram and says, “She’s beautiful!”

Then we know this guy’s got blood pumping in his veins, and that he’s a human, and not some kinda asexual robot. In fact, going on an adventure, defeating the bad guys, and falling in love are all integral parts of an adventure story. Without the love or sex element of it, it feels somewhat shallow or lacking… and quite frankly, a little WEIRD.

Even the awkward and distant George Lucas knew this!

Maybe the “Get the Girl” aspect is too cliché or God forbid now considered sexist, but for me the LACK of it made things feel strangely alien in “The Force Awakens”. Just look at all of the humanity in the original trilogy!

Han: “You think a princess and a guy like me…”

Luke: “No.”

(Han looks confused at Luke’s serious answer and shrugs it off while laughing)

While it’s not some kinda overly romantic ending, Luke DOES essentially get the girl. Sort of… Although he’ll later regret that kiss… (In “Empire”) And this little sneak peek that he does. (Looking at her bikini in “Jedi”) I caught you!!!

But anyway, you all know what I’m talkin about.

Han at Leia: “You could USE a good KISS!”

ESPECIALLY this deleted scene of Han Solo that shows just how SLEAZY the Galaxy could be. (Neckin with some chick in the Cantina)

Han: “Nice moves old man. Very impressive! Sweetheart?” (Sends her away)

Clarence (RoboCop): “Bitches leave!”

HERE, well… geez. I don’t know WHAT the fuck is going on! We have Rey and Finn.

Finn: “You don’t know a thing about me.”

Their adventure should’ve blossomed into love! But instead it’s like… something? Some kinda weird platonic thing?

Rey: “We’ll see each other again. I believe that.”

I mean, first Finn sees Rey and is about to be all chivalrous, but then it turns out she’s quite capable of taking care of herself, then she’s all hostile, and then it seems like he’s trying to impress her?

Finn: “Yes I am. I’m with the Resistance, yeah. I’m WITH the Resistance!”

Then later, he’s trying to ascertain if she’s single or not.

Finn: “You got a boyfriend? Cute boyfriend?”

But he says “cute boyfriend”, and then he never really brings it up again.

Rey showed almost zero interest in Finn, other than her appreciation for him coming to the Star Killer base to save her. Well, I guess they’re just friends now- IS IT BECAUSE HE’S BLACK??????

This movie is so proud about how diverse it is, but it shies away from a white girl kissing a black guy on the lips. Why the fuck didn’t they fall in love?!?!

Y’know, like 50 years ago, Star Trek had the first inter-racial kiss on t.v. It was quite ground breaking and was with Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Uhura-

Would you SHUT UP about STAR TREK already?? I’m taking about Star Wars! It’s a totally fucking different thing!

Shut up. I KNOW it is, but it was ahead of its time, and it’s important to mention that. They did that in 1960 something, and then y’know, they won’t do it now?

Just SHUT UP ABOUT STAR TREK! Stop bringing up fucking STAR TREK!

Wait a minute… I’m arguing with myself. Is that considered crazy?

Maybe Finn had some kind of First Order surgery to remove any sexual desire so that he was more docile and complacent? Wait a minute… If that were the case you’d think they woulda done something to him so that he didn’t puss out on his first mission.

Maybe Finn is just into black girls? Hey, here’s (Lupita) a good lookin one for ya. Oh wait! She’s playing an elderly alien math teacher for some reason.

Aaahhh, whatever. Hey, speaking of casting, this movie went through the trouble of hiring Gwendoline Christie as Captain Phasma; a tall and imposing FEMALE Storm Trooper Commander, but we never ever see her fucking FACE!!! What was the fucking POINT of THAT?

Gwendoline: “I am so honored that people say, “My little girl LOVES dressing up as Captain Phasma”.”

Then Han suggests that we crush her to death in the garbage compactor?

Han: “Trash Compactor?”

What’s with all the violence against women?! (Phasma gets rekt by Chewwy)

How ’bout they actually make her take her helmet off? Y’know, cuz she yelled at Finn for taking HIS off? And then we see that she’s just a person; a sad, vulnerable person who’s caught up in the machine of the Empire. Maybe Han feels sorry for her… shows a little humanity? Maybe she uses his sympathy to pull one over on them, and tries to escape?

And then Han, y’know, he says, “Just tie her up. Tie her up, and leave her here.”

Gwendoline: “We relate to Captain Phasma, because of her ACTIONS and her character!” (Interviewer nods along)

Y’know, instead of the joke about crushing her in the garbage compactor…

Han: “Trash compactor?”

CUZ SHE’S A WOMAN?!?! (Phasma gets rekt by Chewwy)

Gwendoline: “Captain Phasma, I think, is a PHENOMENAL character.” (Interviewer nods along)

Anyway, back to SEX!!!

So what’s HER (Rey) excuse?! Did too much sand get in her vagina??? Does she know that men don’t LIKE sand?! Y’know, cuz it’s coarse, and rough, and it gets everywhere? Meh… I guess when the only man in your life looks like Simon Pegg (Unkar), you don’t have much of an interest in dudes. Hey, maybe she’s Tom Boy lesbian, and then the other guy’s (Finn) a gay!

Finn: “I’m in charge!”

Han: “Bring it down.”

Maybe THAT’S why they’re so awkward together and show absolutely no sexual interest in each other?

Han: “Women ALWAYS figure out the truth. (Gives Finn the gun) Always!”

Wait… Then is THIS guy (Kylo Ren) a gay, too??? I know he’s evil, but does his sex drive work??? The Jedi celibacy thing is out the window, so why the fuck not??? He’s not Darth Vader. His fucking dick isn’t burnt off.

The nu-quels are dogshit, absolutely much worse than the prequels, there is no way to argue against that. That still doesn't mean the prequels are good movies, which they are not.

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But anyway, here’s Kylo Ren, and he’s got a captive young lady on his ship. Hey, how ‘bout you be kinda NICE to her? Try out some moves. Then maybe try to read her mind later? Y’know, “How was dinner? Did you like the wine? Now WHERE’S the fucking droid?!

Kylo (softly): “Tell me about the droid.”

I mean, I’m not sure I’d call Adam Driver a handsome man, but he’s not fucking Peter Mayhew! We have all these youthful, attractive people. Let’s give ‘em some pizzazz; some patented Carrie Fisher pizzazz!

Han: “What the hell are you DOING?!”

Leia: “SOMEBODY has to save our skins!”

Instead, everyone just wants to find that fucking DROID.

Kylo: “Tell me about the droid.”

BOOOOORRRIIIIIIINGGG!!!

Finn: “COME with me!”

Rey: “What about BB-8??”

BOOOOOORRRIIIIINGGGG!!!!!

Rey: “We HAVE to get him back to YOUR base!”

Kylo: “It’s in the droid.”

Unkar: “Follow the girl, and get that droid!”

Hux: “Capture the droid…”

BOOOOORRRINNNNGGGGG!!!!!

Bala-Tik: “That BB unit… The First Order is looking for one just like it.”

So congratulations, Star Wars, you’ve shown us a totally sterile, loveless, diverse galaxy that looks like a University admissions advertisement, but you didn’t have the balls to have white girl kiss a black guy, or a Latino man kiss a black guy. I don’t care who kisses whom, I just want a bit of HEART! Y’know, other than the old, stale, done-that-already (Han and Leia) one.

(Rey captured) When you get totally scared, (Rey hugs Finn) you could totally use a hug.

(Poe and Finn meet again) When you feel incredible (Finn and Poe hug) you can give an incredible hug.

(Leia hugs Chewwy) Because hugs are for everyone. (Rey and Finn hugging) YES, hugs are so much FUUUUN!

(Leia hugs Rey) Let’s hear it for the hugs, YAAA!!! Let’s hear it for the (Han hugs Leia) hugs, OOHH YAAAA!!!

(Chewwy pulls Finn close) And I just wanna let you knooow, (Rey and Leia hugging) that I really, really love your hugs!

AWA-AH-OOOHHHHHHHH!!!!

Clarence (Han sending the bitch away): “Bitches leave!”

Number 11: Next Year in a Galaxy Right, Right Here…

So besides for the pointless film about how someone stole the plans for the Death Star, ummm… SPOILERS!!! It got blowed UP!!!!

I like the fact that there are some mysterious things left on the table for Episode VIII:

I’m not sure who Snoke is

I don’t really know what Rey’s ultimate character arc is

I loved the look on Luke’s face at the end. He’s like, “Oooohhh, SHIT! You’re fucking kidding me, REALLY?!”

Y’know, when Rey shows up with Anakin’s light saber? It’s like Michael Myers with a knife: Two things that were destined to be together no matter what you try to do to prevent it. Is that where they’re taking these films??? I can’t really imagine them doing something that ISN’T about someone turning to the Dark Side, or being redeemed, or whatever.

Imagine being this seething.

George: “That’s it??? Is that everything??? (People clapping) Yaaaay… Well? Thank you, guys. Do you wanna do another one? (Everyone laughs) Hehehehehe…”

UH, gentlemen?! (J.J. and George stop) As a former and CURRENT murderer, I can tell that you guys aren’t REALLY repairmen. (They shake their heads) Eh… that’s alright. If you’re here to kill me, just do it. But do me a favor… make it as painful as possible, cuz I haven’t felt anything in years…

J.J.: “Gladly”

George: “Good night… Mr. Plinkett. I’m afraid YOU’VE got a bad feeling about THIS.”

Oh NO! Ooo… no. (They stop to a noise)

J.J.: “What is that?”

George: “I dunno, but it sounds like a Wookie.”

Oh God. Oh God, it’s ME. There has been an awakening. Have you heard it?

George: “Oh my God!”

Oohh. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (A wild stream of diarrhea appeared) Oh NO! Oh no, the force of the diarrhea tore right through my trousers! Oh my God, I keep shitting! I can’t stop shitting! Oh my God, I’m literally shitting out Star Wars! Oh God, it must have been the Steak Volcano Quesa Machoritto!

George: “I gotta stop it! I- I gotta stop it! I’m just gonna stick my thumb in there! I’m just… I’m gonna my hand in there and- Oh God! It’s not working! It’s not working! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAHH!! AAAHHH!!!”

I’m so sorry!

Now THAT’s what I call “The Force Awakens”!

(George and J.J. still getting shit on)

THE END

Actual humans don't get their opinions from other people. They just agreed with the reviews and found them entertaining.

I know it's a little hard for your generation to understand, not being human and all.

By the way, I checked the video to see where they actually started talking about the film as in started in

It was around 53:32 (whole video was 1:45:07). The first 53 minutes were taking shots at Lucas/prequels, Ring Theory, Prequels fans, and Disney now having the ability to make endless sequels for Star Wars.

>plinkett made people hate the prequels!

You guys are exaggerating on RLM's importance and influence. It took them what, 12 years to reach 1 million subs? Fucking Chris Stuckmann did that in less than half that time, those fags are nowhere near the heavy hitters you think they are.

filmschoolrejects.com/spare-us-your-90-minute-video-takedown-of-the-force-awakens-986a0bda2fa1/

As the release of a new Star Wars film drew near, I began mulling over how I could contribute to the conversation. With many choice topics already spoken for, I settled on the idea of revisiting a divisive chapter of Star Wars history. It had been long enough since its release and I conceded that a rewatch might bring out hidden virtues.

I wasn’t deep into my viewing before I deeply regretted this assignment. It was almost agonizing to subject myself to the witless dialogue on screen, the far-too-for-its-own-good editing, and a general sense of arrogance that permeated every frame. How anyone could watch this and defend it is beyond me.

In short, I hate Red Letter Media and its avatar “Harry S. Plinkett” with every bone in my body.

If there’s one Star Wars-related creative work I unabashedly loathe, it’s the infamous Red Letter Media “reviews” of the prequel trilogy. If you’ve never heard of these ‐ good. Stop reading now. Go on about your day. I guarantee you’ll find a better use of your time.

If “Red Letter Media” sounds familiar, but you can’t place it, here’s a refresher. They are the creators of video examinations of each of the three prequel films, with each review usually running between 70 minutes to an hour and a half. And if you think that sounds pedantic, man, the internet is so not the place for you.

Under duress, I’ll grant that the Phantom Menace review makes a few solid points in its dissection. The most effective involves demonstrating how the prequel characters are much less fleshed out than the original trilogy ones. This is shown when people are challenged to describe a prequel character without referring to their clothing or their occupation. Quickly we see that people find many more adjectives to describe Han Solo than, say, Queen Amadala. It’s a solid point that’s well-argued. Did the overall thesis need 70 minutes? Hell no.

Ultimately I think that Red Letter Media was more damaging to film criticism than the prequels were to filmmaking. I remember when the first videos came out and became something of a rallying cry for every fan who was let down by The Phantom Menace. In the world of the internet, it was elevated to “EPIC” because it happened to reinforce a point of view that many agreed with. I soon noticed a trend among people who embraced RLM most aggressively ‐ they always touted how long it was, in kind of a “ha ha… Episode I sucks so much it took over an hour to explain why” way, and they often opted to let RLM speak for their perspectives. The videos didn’t generate so much of a conversation as they did seemed to make people say, “I can’t debate why these movies suck, but if you watch these, THIS GUY will!”

Obviously, after becoming such a viral sensation, it’s a given the creators at Red Letter Media were going to ride the wave even further. Thus, a second series of videos dissecting Attack of the Clones followed, and these contained even worse excesses of the weaknesses of the first one. It’s agonizing to watch at times because it feels stuffed fuller than a dead Tauntaun in order to surpass the first reviews “epic” 70-minute length.

The videos on Attack of the Clones seem incapable of moving on after making a point. It feels like over a half-hour is spent just nitpicking the issues with the assassination plot against Padme. (In actuality, it’s about ten minutes, but watching it, there’s a sense Plinkett can’t help pulping the pony with blow after blow.) While there are the expected ‐ and accurate ‐ attacks on the overall terribleness of the love story, nearly eight entire minutes of an 88-minute review are given over to the question “Why is Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars?” It’s not really a relevant problem worth bringing up with regard to the film. It takes four minutes for this segment to finally come out and say that their assertion is that Jackson was miscast because he usually plays intense characters.

Then Plinkett wanders into dangerous territory by speculating on the artist’s motives. “Star Wars movies are nothing but carefully crafted products designed to appeal to as many people as possible,” he claims. This attack is often lobbied at George Lucas, but it doesn’t hold as much water as one thinks. If George was really that money-grubbing, he’d have released every version of the films ‐ Original and Special Edition on both bluray and DVD. He knows there’s a market out there that would gladly repurchase those films to get the theatrical cuts. Star Wars may have made Lucas a rich man, but that doesn’t mean every decision is driven by commerce. In fact, most decisions he’s made that have gone over badly with the fans have been artistic decisions.

Plinkett makes the allegation that Samuel L. Jackson was brought in to boost box office and appeal to a wider audience. “Jackson was cast not because he was good for the part, but because his name would bring in extra dollars and an audience that might not have come otherwise.” Consider for a minute that this conspiracy theory means that George Lucas was apparently concerned that Star Wars didn’t have enough brand recognition and the antidote for that was casting a character actor who a year before shooting, was a supporting actor in a dud called The Long Kiss Goodnight.

And yet, because it was stated by Plinkett with an air of authority, it gets accepted without question. I won’t pretend that knocking down some of Plinkett’s attacks means that Clones is a brilliant film, but I will add it to my thesis that it’s a shitty review. Often throughout the review, Plinkett attacks the film because it contracts his assumption of how the Star Wars universe worked, especially with regard to how young Jedi trained using floating remotes.

Then, while complaining that the lightsabers are overused in the prequels, Plinkett digresses into how he thinks that different races of Jedi should have different kinds of weapons customized to accommodate their varying sizes and physiologies. He thinks that Yoda is handicapped by having to use a scaled-down lightsaber. (Regarding Yoda’s saber fight “[Lucas] kinda seems like a retard who just wants to see neat things happen with his computer.” That’s a funny statement coming from the guy who just minutes earlier accused Lucas of artlessly making descisions based on audience appeal.) I grant that’s the sort of thing that geeks like to debate online, but it feels misplaced in the middle of a thesis about what’s wrong with the film.

A film is not bad if its sin is a failure to conform to your presumptions about the world in which it exists.

It eventually becomes clear that the RLM videos evolve to become less about understanding the fundamentals of good drama and filmmaking, and more about enumerating every last grievance with each film. They seem to subscribe to the school of thought that the longer a review is, the more “proof” that the target of that review sucks.

Perhaps what I hate the most about these reviews is that you can draw a straight line from RLM to those dreadful “Everything Wrong With…” videos that spend upwards of 18 minutes listing every “sin” in Terminator: Genysis or Tomorrowland. And again, the name of that game seems to be to find as many things “wrong” with those films as possible ‐ because the more things “wrong,” the more “proof” that this film is terrible.

Except that’s not how criticism works. You can nitpick every film and come up with a litany of “sins,” and that’s even if you’re just playing fair. Take a look at Citizen Kane, considered one of the all-time greats of cinema, a film studied by virtually every film student. There’s a big gaping hole at its core ‐ no one actually is in the room to hear Kane say “Rosebud” as he passes. The rest of the film works as drama, so this rather glaring lapse becomes easy to ignore.

The presence of flaws alone constitute a reasonable way to attack a film. How they play in context with the film is what makes the difference. The RLM and “Everything Wrong With…” reviews are frustrating because for any cogent point they make, there’s another point where you can feel them “putting their thumb on the scale.”

Consider the first few “sins” in their “Everything Wrong With Terminator: Genisys” (a film I considered one of this year’s worst.)

1. From the Studio that brought you Transformers
2. Jai Courtney Narration
3. Also Jai Courtney
4. The Golden Gate Bridge isn’t attacked by primates, supervillains or Godzillas in this scene.
5. History ignored what happened in the other movies and settled on “August 29, 1997” as Judgment Day again
6. Humanity’s no threat to the machines… Skynet… could have just used humans for cheap slave labor.

Over the next 18 minutes, the video complies 149 Sins. I’m aware they’d defend some of the sillier ones as being there for humor purposes, but that doesn’t make the entire exercise any less lame. That’s not a school of criticism I much enjoy. You can learn more from Roger Ebert film reviews that were a fraction of that word count of a Cinema Sins or RLM transcript.

So here’s my plea, hell, call it an early New Year’s resolution. It’s inevitable that The Force Awakens is bound to disappoint some of you. I don’t blame you if, like me, you find it cathartic to examine that shortcoming via a review. But my advice is to do that and let it go. Spare yourselves the hours of making and/or watching videos that pull the film apart from every angle. Don’t wallow in the immense negativity that seems to come with being an RLM disciple and stop giving that kind of content an audience.

Trust me, you’ll be happier and you’ll stop giving something you hate all that power over you. If you truly hate it that much, is it really so important to you to evangelize some guy’s 90-minute screed of everything he hated?

[Sidenote: The writer who wrote this defended the sequels]

Dont forget more practical effects, that ended up giving us the most bland designs so far

All Star Wars movies are bad, why are you man children arguing about which extended toy commercial is better?

I guess he can watch an RLM review to find out.

Because you're an NPC.

Well they fucking needed a loose outline at least or you end up getting the Disney sequels.

Don't lie, damage-controlling shill. Simon Pegg (whom JJ would've been talking to a lot) and Damon Lindeloff were well aware of the Plinkett prequel reviews. Same with Rian Johnson.

Half in the Bag TFA had Mike and Jay mostly complimenting the film while Rich was critical of it
Plinkett TFA had (I assume) Mike admitting that there were some flaws, but he spent half the review making fun of Lucas and the prequels, which I assume is because he didn't really have enough complaints about TFA.
Rogue One they were hardest on.
Half in the Bag TLJ they were trying to be as diplomatic as they could but called it messy and Mike compared it to Homer Simpson's make-up gun.
Plinkett TLJ they were a lot harsher on the film.
The recent predictions video had Mike sort of admitting that JJ shouldn't be writing his movies and just direct.

>Compared to the autistically long plinkett reviews, the response to the sequels has been limp-dicked, don’t even try to deny it.

I think that's true, but I don't think they didn't deploy real criticism, they did it from time to time.

Based common sense guy
Fuck nerds and fuck RLM
oNly faggots like them

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>implying Ewan and Hayden put the hours in practicing the climactic battle of the trilogy because they wanted to and not because it was their fucking job

George drilled the actors a lot harder than jj and rian did.

Imagine I posted a webm of the tlj throne room fight here

just because something is fun doesn't mean it's good

People were shitting on the prequels well before the Plinkett reviews
Case in point: this fan article written before Ep II was released
chefelf.com/starwars/ep1.php

Or this

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Yes, that's why it's funny.

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Damn, I was looking for something like this. Even had a
>As seen in Entertainment Weekly! No really!

So this definitely disproves zoomer claims that people only started to hate the prequels when RLM did their reviews. That said I partly agree with even if that writer was a sequel defender. At least he didn't suddenly start hating RLM after the Plinkett Last Jedi review like some other drones.

Or this

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So you faggots are still talking about Star Wars huh?

Are you shilling for Disney or RLM?

>The videos didn’t generate so much of a conversation as they did seemed to make people say, “I can’t debate why these movies suck, but if you watch these, THIS GUY will!”
so the problem with every youtube reviewer and there fans

Robocop has aged very poorly

The problem with Star Wars-fags is that they'll never accept all these movies are for children, the prequels are good children's movies, and other than the groundbreaking SFXs, OT Star Wars was never a masterpiece in any way, its just a rehash of older Space Operas from the 1940's and fairytales that George Lucas enjoyed as a kid in the first place. Mobile Suit Gundam 0079 for example was much better plotwise and characterwise than Star Wars while still being kiddy shit.

You aged very poorly.

remember jedi was butchered also. could have been epic, but budget restraints and poor decisions killed it from the third act.

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There's a lot of back and forth right now about it, you retard, the thing is prequelfags were wrong then and they are just as wrong now, regardless of how much they loved podracing when they were 4.

It's third act is by far the most coherent, it's the first act that's filled with plot holes and nonsense. Aside from ewoks being cuddly instead of being murderbears, and a few bad bits of action in the throne room, not much is wrong with the third act.

How could anyone take RLM seriously after this came out?

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who ??

GTFO nigger

>NOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUR OPINION ON THINGS CAN NEVER COINCIDE WITH THE OPINION OF SOMEONE I HATE ON THE INTERNET!!!

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>I say chuck sucked more

>multiple instances of mass murder
>including mass murder of children
>boring political dialog
>anakin burns alive after choking his pregnant wife out
Children's movie, huh? Maybe the OT (which itself begins with choking a man to death and implied torture), but the prequels are just randomized trash, you might be fooled by podracing and jar jar, but if you get fooled by that you are exactly the kind of moron the prequels will appeal to, enjoy your "children's movies"

+1 starshit movies are toy commercials

Even years before Plinkett the prequels were considered to be absolute shit. Stop trying to rewrite history already you autistic PT aplogists

>>NOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP CRITICIZING MY FRIEND SIMULATOR!!!

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The Podracing is still great.

Kids were less wimpy back then

>Zombie Simpsons has an opinion on something
Wow. It must be right.

Back then there were a lot of people that believed that.

Nah Ron is right there, insulting a child is really fucking stupid and pathetic

A lot of people are always wrong about things.

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Yeah, Prometheus was definitely a same kind of movie. Part of you is like "fuck yeah!" and the other part is "what did I just watch? was it actually good...?" Oh well.

I grew up with the prequels and I fucking hated them. It's interesting to hear the perspective of an older generation that grew up with the OT and their ideas on the movie's universe. I agree with a lot of what Plinkett says, but at the same time it's not really researched points, it's just rantings. I'll never understand why Lucas decided to include politics into Star Wars and then never expand on what the fuck anyone in that universe does. What does the trade federation trade? From what planet? How does the galaxy's economy work? Star Wars always frustrated me because it's so devoid of information.

Yeah, but they were there. It proved the prequel hate was there before RLM, whether you agreed with it or not.

Prometheus isn’t a good movie. Only christcucks like it because it assuages their narcissism and makes them feel relevant.
>ooooh Christian symbolism! The movie speaks to me!!!

Jewish movie for dumb christfags goys.

He admitted to that in one of their newer star wars reviews.

let me guess, you're an atheist with a fondness for paganism

sit on a dick nerd

Everyone knows there was. We've all seen that basedboy Simon Pegg shit. Ever since Plinkett the entire discourse has been people just repating Plinkett though.
>combat should be weighty because Plinkett said
>Yoda shouldn't fight, because Plinkett said

but the argument is there reviews made it popular not that they created it and them cashing in on it and doing one for each prequel proves it wasn't a one time goof

>no maaaan the movie is deep you just don’t get it
>dude look he’s striking the crucifixion pose yo that’s like totally a reference to Jesus
>so deeep my fellow Christian magapedes

Go adopt a nigger into your family, you faggy christcuck.

>implying I watch that shit
>implying just because I gave opinion A it means I got it from the e-celeb you're obsessed with hating

>>implying I watch that shit

You do because you're getting really defensive about it

>really defensive
name 1 thing I said in defense of your e-celeb crush. all I said was that calling everyone a fanboy of some e-celeb YOU are obsessed with because they have an opinion on something, is retarded. there aren't infinite amount of opinions on a shit tier series of movies.

Okay, RLM fan

>everything I don't like is RLM
t. autistic sperg obsessed with RLM

also all of star wars is manchild garbage.

>>"the films are nothing but green screen footage and computer effects" when TPM alone used more miniatures than the OT
This was never a complaint, he even admits there are very good films made entirely with computer animation. If anything he pointed out the effects of working with greenscreen on the actors who obviously can't see what they're supposed to be reacting to, and this is evident in the final product.
>>"Yoda fighting goes directly against his character" when he's fighting just to save Anakin and Obi-Wan, and is using the force to make himself more agile
The complaint wasn't yoda fighting, it was him actually weilding a saber and dueling. The expectation being that yoda should have been above that, like he's on such another level he shouldn't even need a saber. Also that at that point in the story we were kind of on lightsaber overload and really didn't need another lightsaber fight. Should have began and ended with the rock and lightning throwing.
>>"the movies had no passion behind them and were just made for a paycheck" when Hayden and Ewan spent ages practicing and memorizing the choreography for the Mustafar duel because they were passionate about it
and Ewan even said after the first few minutes they "get over the initial explosion of what the fight is even about" (the internal struggle of the characters themselves) and yet they keep at it for 10 minutes, jumping from antennae arrays and swinging on ropes and surfing on droids to the point of ridiculousness as it adds nothing at that point except cool visuals.

>The expectation being that yoda should have been above that, like he's on such another level he shouldn't even need a saber.
I don't see why. He's still a Jedi.

The only reason the Plinket reviews of those movies exist at all is because nearly every nerd faggot was shitting on them to begin with. Plinket just gave that collective voice volume.

I don't think the videos were originally on youtube when they were released, I remember watching them all on their website.

What about the parachute pants?

>Oh no, he's on to me, better overcompensate by claiming all of Star Wars is manchild garbage like they told me to!

That trick never works, RLM shill

>trick
you seem to be autistic and schizo or have mistaken me for someone else here.

Except this thread is full of people refuting their points, braindead nigger

zoomers fucking hate the prequels, though. Reddit

Not because Plinkett said but because a geriatric goblin wizard who’s entire point is that the force is more than the physical should not be a ninja. You retard.

point's probably been made by others in this thread but in short "you're just a follower" isn't necessarily true -- i both enjoyed the review and agreed with its points without having to be an RLM fanboy or "coat-tailer"

when it comes to certain things they love like the MCU i strongly disagree with them

Kids can watch movies with fucked up shit in them, but nobody should be stupid enough to pretend they are kids movies

That's not the entire point of him. He's a generic old ninja master. Full of wisdom, but also able to physically kick ass when it comes down to it.

>they love the MCU
They don’t. MCU just consistently meets the minimum for an entertaining popcorn flick.

They're "family films", which is to say they're basically kids films that are well made. Star Wars isn't mature and sophisticated storytelling. It's a fairy tale.

>Yoda shouldn't fight, because Plinkett said
That little tidbit came from the man himself.

themarysue.com/george-lucas-star-wars-prequels/
>Kasdan: The Force was available to anyone who could hook into it?

>Lucas: Yes, everybody can do it.

>Kasdan: Not just the Jedi?

>Lucas: It’s just the Jedi who take the time to do it.

>Marquand: They use it as a technique.

>Lucas: Like yoga. If you want to take the time to do it, you can do it; but the ones that really want to do it are the ones who are into that kind of thing. Also like karate. Also another misconception is that Yoda teaches Jedi, but he is like a guru; he doesn’t go out and fight anybody.

>Kasdan: A Jedi Master is a Jedi isn’t he?

>Lucas: Well, he is a teacher, not a real Jedi. Understand that?

>Kasdan: I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t believe it; I am in shock.

>Lucas: It’s true, absolutely true, not that it makes any difference to the story.

>Kasdan: You mean he wouldn’t be any good in a fight?

>Lucas: Not with Darth Vader he wouldn’t.

>Kasdan: I accept it, but I don’t like it.

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It's always been popular among nerds to shit on the prequels, normies couldn't care less before or after plinkett, your "argument"is fucking stupid

Well you have to bear in mind that by the time the OT comes around he's so old and withered he can barely get around by himself, so he wouldn't be any good in a fight.
And George could have also just have changed a non-explicitly stated piece of lore in order to make the movie more entertaining, which is not something I disagree with.

Nice tummy

A family film is like tangled or incredibles, with sanitized violence (if any) and a smart, clever script with stuff that adults can be mildly interested in, the prequels are just randomized trash with no consistent tone or vision of what they want to be. If you cut out half the movies and replaced it with stuff like the droid v gungan battle or the podracing, and fixed the plot and writing so it wasn't an incoherent and boring mess, you'd have a family movie.

>This will be the first time we actually see him pull out that little lazer sword of his and go to town
>so that's something everyone's been waiting for...

>having another wizzbang laser sword fight is "entertaining"
Jesus Christ

Yoda shouldn't fight with laser swords for the same reason the emperor shouldn't have. They lose gravitas when they do. Fighting yourself is inherently petty and small when you're supposed to be the "master", it puts that person on the same level as the student.

He had to ride a hover chair in the prequels.

>their are too many swords in this fantasy adventure movie huuuurrrr
Imagine if people said this about Lord of the Rings.

so now plinketts reviews aren't popular?

Zoomers would have no nostalgia for the prequels. If anything it's old millennials that defend them.

Think that was mostly because of his little legs. He still has to keep up a pace.

Vader was the Emperor's lightsaber.

In the grand scheme of pop culture, no. I’ve literally never discussed them outside of Yea Forums

Ok RLM shill

That last paragraph the guy wrote sounded pretty defensive.

I guess, but Yoda's like 800+ years old around the time of the prequels
20 years should be nothing to him, yet he goes from being strong enough to fight the Emperor to a standstill by himself to being so frail that Luke has to carry him on his back like a toddler during his training

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What the FUCK?!

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Why would they, 90% of lotr is running from one place to another, another 9% is listening to elves talk slowly, there's actually very little fighting in lotr for the type of movie it is, and in any case you'd think two masters of the force, one of which canonically thinks light sabers are for pussies and the other who thinks fighting is for edgy dicks could have a conflict in a more interesting way than resorting to more fucking glowy sticks that we've seen 80 times before. But hey if you're satisfied with mediocre shit (and since your defending the prequels I safely assume you are), knock yourself out.

He was getting on, but still had some juice. He was literally days from death when Luke met him. A person's health can fail quite rapidly, especially when they live in some dank swamp eating god knows what for 20 years.

He's on his back because he's talking to Luke while training and to make it more difficult, not necessarily because he's frail

Ok RLM shill

This. Old and busted master wizards should do old and busted master wizard shit, not sword fight.

He's dead like a day later.

Do you honestly think anyone but turbonerds would even watch those reviews, with their constant weird "murdered my family" and "there are girls trapped in my basement" jokes and the goofy voice? Leave your fucking basement for a few hours for christs sake.

>Not actually an old man
>Actually an angelic demi-god
>Told by the actual gods to hide his power level

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Wasn't there a few years between his ESB training and his visit in Jedi?

What a gay retcon. People liked him when he was just a Wizard, Tolkien, you hack!

>No one watched the Plinkett reviews
>Even though people in Hollywood did

>People in the senate are pretty much in league with powerful lobbies and tribes and clans like the feds and the banking clans
gee, where have I heard that before. No wonder people lobbied so much against the prequels

/thread

You sound gay

Enduring Destiny is my all time favorite disaster of a low budget movie. Gods of Los Angeles is delightfully awful too.

About a year.

>>boring political dialog
only if you're a brainlet

Never got the sense the OT took place over a longer time period than maybe six months

There are no prequel apologists or prequel lovers. Nostalgiafags are butthurt Disney followed all their ideas and they turned out infinitely worse. "Prequel fans" = literally anyone who points this out

I like the prequels. They're legitimately entertaining films.

The prequels are undeniably kino if you view them as a comedy. George should have put in a laugh track so you brainlets would understand this.

The gap between ANH and TESB is apparently even longer, like three years.
Fun fact, according to the new EU, the duel on Bespin wasn't even the first time Luke and Vader fought

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>talking about star wars
>thinking about star wars
holy shit

imagine defending a swarthy alcoholic fat cuck this much

>pretending to be better than people who talk about Star Wars
You gotta be 18+ to post here kiddo.
Why don't you take your superhero movies and go back to playing fortnite?

What’s with you fucking history revisionists acting like the prequels were never hated before these reviews? There are thousands of forum posts from the late 90s/early 00s that prove you wrong.

>chefelf.com/starwars/ep1.php
I wonder what that guy thought about the sequels.
>And I guess I touch on it in my The Last Jedi review but I think The Force Awakens had problems but overall I just felt that it was the first Star Wars movie in a long time that was actually any fun. It was nice to have well done dialogue, humor, and interesting characters even if there were some a lot of things about the plot that were a little annoying.
>The Last Jedi, and in some smaller way The Force Awakens did kill Star Wars for me in a way. What they killed in me was the investment. I went into both films with low to no expectations. I emerged from The Force Awakens happy and filled with hope. I emerged from The Last Jedi a bit disappointed for all the reasons I outlined in my review. The prequels had beaten most of the hope out of me so my investment was low. I didn’t see a single trailer for either movie and had no idea what to expect. After watching The Last Jedi a second time I did like it a lot more. The beauty of so much of it balanced out some of the frustration I had with the story and characters.
>While I respect people’s opinions I do find it hard to follow the logic that leads people to believe that this is the specific thing that “killed” Star Wars. I can’t see how someone would look past the Star Wars Holiday Special, Caravan of Courage, The Battle for Endor, The Phantom Menace, The Attack of the Clones, The Revenge of the Sith, and somehow pinpoint this single moment as the moment Star Wars died.
>I had my problems with this movie but we’ve had nearly twenty years to process what happened with the prequel trilogy and I have processed my disappointment so that I’m at a place where I can just enjoy being immersed in the universe again with a lower level of commitment. What happens happens. There will be varying levels of quality within the franchise.

The nature of the criticism has changed. Early criticism was pretty much "I like everything except the kids and Jar Jars".

For as shit as the prequels were in a story telling perspective they at least had interesting world building. The trade federation was much more memorable than whatever the fuck the empire is called in the sequels.

I think your soul is ugly and you're a meanie :(
All I wanted was talk about movies why does Yea Forums always insult my face

>gen-X manchild gets emotional catharsis from seeing X-wing again

>basedboy Simon Pegg
You mean that faggot manlet that kept changing his opinions and statements just to save his own face? Like the time he begged Lucas to have a role in the tv show then did a 180 and continued attacking Lucas again after the Disney buyout? Or the time he defended the actor that played Rose and told people to grow up despite himself doing it for decades present day?

yes, just like OT had soul and much more than the sequels will ever have. it was the touch of george. mike gave him a bit too much shit, or at least many of the people watching that took it wrong and rather mocked him. he said it best in the end where it's a collaborative process and people should've questioned george and decisions he had made. it's not a one man show and even if someone is the creative spark, that needs to be challenged.

Micheal Jackson would've gotten nowhere without training and challenges.

Every single person I've suggested watch these reviews, even people who like OT and hate the prequels, hasn't been able to make it through the first review, normies simply will not watch it, it's too weird. If you think Hollywood filmmakers represent normal people, well, again I think you should leave your basement.

People always say things like this, and it's puzzling to me.
>the prequels are bad except for the world building
But the world building kind of is the prequels. You can't separate the two. If you like the world building, then you like about 75% of what those movies actually are, and may as well admit you just like them.

[sneedler]sneed[/sneedler]

Yeah, well even so there's a big difference between old ass man and death's door, and health can go to hell surprisingly fast, so I think him during training in ESB is probably leagues healthier than deaths door yoda in Jedi (and in any case in certainly wasn't days later)

"basedboy" is a filter for 5oyboy.

Set pieces do not make a compelling story.

I think the issue I have is that even though the prequels were bad, I have a hard time taking people's criticisms of it seriously if they were trashing it and then turning around and praising TFA and/or TLJ.

Holy shit OP got told so hard

It's settled, the prequels are trash and all prequel fans should gas themselves

A movie isn't just story. It's an audio/visual experience.

>storm troopers
>not knowing that clones didn't know about order 66
>forgetting that yoda knew about the conspiracy but had no idea how to stop it
>not knowing how the force works
And this is just from the first pic.
OP is right, THIS isn't criticism. This is pure cancer written by some ADHD speedwatcher.

Fuck off, Friend Simulator Defender

>objectively wrong
>makes up points that weren't said in the review

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Thats why I specified that the story was shitty but the visual stuff was good. Movies can be poorly written garbage and look good at the same time

That’s because normies can’t appreciate kino.

It was written by Maddox, remember when people used to worship him in the 00's? There were people parroting everything he said like how people are trying to parrot e-celebs in general.

Visuals are nothing without writing

I agree, but that doesn't make the plinkett reviews any more palatable to normies or popular in general

But that still makes it like 70% a good movie.

I bet you watch martial arts films and ballet for the plot.

Ballet isn't movies and martial art films are shit if the fights aren't set up. I bet you think Sleepless is good.

>movies are just novels with a visual component
>this is all they can ever be

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>too much green screen! Everythings computers!
Oh but when the force awakens has more CGI than any prequel movie eh, that's fine
>The politics were dumb and boooooring and confusing!
Bitches about nuwars playing it safe as dumbed down rehashes of the original trilogy-then bitches that the 'Star Wars universe is limited'
>The characters are all stupid and bland and nonsensical!
Then they say one of the dumbest, blandest, nonsensical characters in recent blockbuster history is charming as fuck and that the rest of the nu cast is fine

Those RLM faggots have zero idea what they're talking about, they just made an 8 hour critique with some basic bitch film school knowledge that misrepresented, obfuscated, and outright lied about the content and techniques of the movies to force their point across. They want complicated and involved stories but oh they also want a simple rehash of the trilogy. They want a subtle talky film but oh they also want a lot of zoom zooms and boom booms. Literal brainlets, spoiled dumb gen x'ers who think snark and sarcasm is an indicator of intelligence. These are the same people who think JJ Abrams is a good director, and that Kylo Ren needs to die because he is "irredeemably" evil, missing both the point of their "beloved" trilogy that the Jedi believe no one is irredeemable and that Vader, who did far worse things, was eventually redeemed.

RLM are objectively wrong. The prequels are majestic, massively expanding the galaxy and making it feel like a lived in place full of billions of worlds. The original trilogy is claustrophobic in comparison.

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