Cast it

Adam & Eve: Genesis

Noah

Adam & Eve: Temptation

Moses

Elijah vs Baal

Jesus Christ: Origins

Jesus Christ 2: The Apostles

Jesus Christ 3: Crucifixion

kek

Do you realize blaspheming the Holy Spirit is the only unforgivable sin? God does not like you making fun of his wife

I think it’s possible, but it would be very difficult. The sheer amount of filming required for just the first 5 books of the OT would be massive. It would have to be done over decades

The Revelations movie will be kino.

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>5 books of the OT would be massive.
They could even sell it in a collection and call it the Torah.

very nice

so didn't you just do it too? But I'm not a Christian

Reminder to get saved while you still can
youtube.com/watch?v=-fGxOCJCRpA

It already was

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No what I wrote isn't blasphemy, referring to the Holy Spirit as Gods wife might be a bit on the edge, and God doesn't care if your christian or not

>Elijah vs Baal
One of the most kino moments of the bible
Also it'd be nice to have a TV series on the chronicles of David and Saul

> and God doesn't care if your christian or not

Well, considering he's fucking made up, I suppose you're right

Lot's daughters

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If you don't do the Saul/Johnathon/David/Samuel story you've failed

Imagine the public's reaction when they get to watch the jews slaughter all the Canaanites.

Maybe a movie about the archangel Michael.

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Enjoy hell

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when are we getting another divine comedy?

You too. You really think you'll be among the remnant?

yep

>Lot's THOTS

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I'm an agnostic atheist but was brought up catholic. Cinematic universe would be pretty cool if they did it the right way

hell yeah

I really wish religion were true. It seems so much more comfy than our bland reality. I want to go to Christmas mass in the Vatican and REALLY believe. Just be part of something better, you know?

Schwarzenegger as Samson
Gosling as John the Baptist

>get drunk
>sudden urge to fuck own daughters
perhaps the bible is realistic after all

Easily the most boring religious book in existence. Hinduism/Buddhism is way cooler.

who would be Rufus?

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>Schwarzenegger as Samson

youtube.com/watch?v=YD6byswL7u8

ishygdrtkjb

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It's a very dry read but some of the film adaptations have been neat. Greek mythology would be coolest imo.

I guarantee the bible has better action scenes then anything in either of those, the rise and fall of Saul probably has more all by itself

>referring to the Holy Spirit as female
>not blasphemy

Its the church that's the wife, not the spirit. Get your theology right.

As I said, it was on the edge

>reading a book for action scenes

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not a single mention of based Mel Gibson

SMDH

true, hinduism is anime tier levels of crazy
nigga please

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kek, no.

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Reddit.

What I don't understand is why wouldn't some demons light the fire to Baal to make Baal appear to be a god? I mean demons can supposedly make people incredibly strong and able to levitate. Also there's poltergeists and such. They really kind of dropped the ball didn't they?

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Larry David as Moses.

>spergs out at the burning bush curb your enthusiasm style

yea god fights, boring shit, does it have a scene where two bros scale a cliff to attack an army 10'000 strong in the middle of the night? no didn't think so

fucking hell why do I want this to exist

meaning what?

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being argumentative and skeptical with it
also he'd fuck up parting the red sea and all of the jews would get mad at him

they had it coming

t. retard
the bible is boring because it was written by a bunch of squabbling illiterate jews

well one is true and one is not

ok

Imagine if atheists were a bunch of handsome, clean cut, physically fit, well dressed Chads instead of being mostly obese, poorly dressed, unkempt slobs. You'd all have converted by now because this stuff is retarded. (I'm the kind of Chad I mentioned in the first part btw)

where half of it is them making their god angry by being retards and the other half is their god playing pranks on them

Jamie Bell as Timothy

It doesn't exit sorry user.

>thread already derailed
fucking cesspit

God has those demons and Satan on a leash, user
There are parts of the bible where Satan uses his followers to do lying signs and wonders, but in this particular scenario my guess is that God prevented it
It could also be that those Baal worshippers weren't at the level of Satan discipleship as they thought they were, maybe they just sucked

>hinduism is boring because it was invented by a bunch of squabbling illiterate poo-in-loos
ftfy

A biblically faithful miniseries of David would be a smash hit.

Will we ever get some Popol Vuh kino?

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correct

>fucking cesspit
sounds like your mother's vagina

youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM

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Never write for television, you nonce

Cringe

midge

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Is there any Mayan mythology films/animations?

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might as well just make it an anime since its a work of fiction

>tips

we are not talking about raping emma watson

I'm not wrong. there's no difference between reading the old testament and reading jewish hollywood filth.

Prove your claim

cringe

It's hard to relate to Hindu gods though because they look so weird compared to Western mythologies. Fucking twenty arms and seven heads green skin motherfuckers

Samuel L Jackson as Jesus

Jesus: played by Aidan Gillen
God: never shown on-screen, voiced by Orson Welles

based mikeposter

>chunni weeb shit: the religion
no

That's cause he'd be the one directing.

there's some novels, one called blood wars iirc the gods were real and of course complete dicks

Egyptian is fucking nuts

well for one thing it says jews are the chosen people.

>bible
>whites

Jesus should be Jim C he's perfect casting, since Orson still refuses to say his lines maybe Liam Neeson but Liam should play Saul so idk

It's basically agreed upon though that Moses was actually a stuttering sperg; I think that in Exodus it's mentioned that that's the reason he needed Aaron to help him in Pharoah's court.

if the bible had god fights you'd be making fun of buddhism and shinto for not having god fights

So? They also lost God’s favor many times and fucked with him being rules lawyers and got their shit slapped for it

Jews treat all the goyim in the Bible as garbage unless they are serving them.
>Destroy all the Canaanites because God promised them their land
>Assyrians and Babylonians, two superior civilizations, are "bad" because Israel had to be a vassal state to them
>Persians are "good" because they let Israel return to their stolen land

It really is most batshit pagan religion their is, zeus turning into a bull and raping chicks hasn't got shit on egyptian insanity

no your complaining the bible is boring and they aren't because god fights, the bible has real fights plenty of them plenty of wars and sieges and betrayals and assassinations and all sorts of shit, also witches, sorcerers, literal wizard battles, it saves the god fight for the finale, oh and there is also an entire book of nothing but begats, that one's pretty boring

>Assyrians and Babylonians, two superior civilizations, are "bad" because Israel had to be a vassal state to them
Yes, being some else’s bitch is bad
>Persians are "good" because they let Israel return to their stolen land
>conquest is stealing
Brainlet

christfags ITT are insecure because their religion is about jews wandering around in the desert and eating dirt while others are about shapeshifting and rape and anime battles

how does any of this make it "boring"?

>That nightmare sequence where an entire valley of dead bones start coming to life as flesh materializes around them
fucking metal

Tyrese as Jesus

>The Bible doesn’t have shapeshifting and rape

most of that shit is written in 4 verses and not fleshed out in any meaningful way that provides characterization or color to the story and you know I'm right.

thats nonsense, thats barely 1 book, and even the 'wandering' part has heaps of shit happen

Found the jew. They're the cockroaches of the world, living in the walls of other civilizations.
Look at the psychology of the Bible
>our failures aren't because we are inferior, its because we angered our God
Fucking caveman mentality

every fucking sunday.
did you know jesus sucked off 8 of his disciples and let the other 4 cum in his boipussy?

And they are only not inferior because of God, brianlet

Fuck off kike janny, only you could tell I'm the same poster tens of unrelated posts earlier who called the bible boring

no your not right, you are very wrong, the story of Saul to Solomon is very detailed has plenty of fleshed out characters along with heaps of action

name ONE event in the bible more based than this

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fuckwit, how can you not follow a chain? i'm the one you reponded to calling it "boring" of course its you, how fucking dumb are you?

>im-fucking-plying hell exists
Ironic shitposting is still shitposting, user.

>forgetting about the Book of Enoch
>dropping the ball this hard
user I...

>oh and there is also an entire book of nothing but begats, that one's pretty boring

No there isn't. But about 5 pages of Numbers are about some boring ass Census. And that's 5 Bible pages so we're talkin' 20 normal pages. If you tore out all the tedious and redundant parts of the Bible, you'd probably get it down to 2/3rds of its size.

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Give angel waifu please

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Book of Enoch isn’t Canon

Beastiality is not based so how about any of them

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keep recoiling

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this is my god, not sure about you fags

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>He's not Orthodox

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apu is very cute

Convince me to not be mostly Catholic with Protestant characteristics

>his God is a THOT

you are a retard and if I was a janny i'd ban you for bringing down the IQ of the whole board

the bible is jewish filth get it through your thick skull

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So, is Jesus human or divine?

and this is why christians are philistines and pagans are patricians

Enoch isn't even canon in main Orthodox denominations, only the weird-ass Eritrean African or whatever the fuck

>tips

Imagine being such a cuck you get off to different species fucking your women

god made himself as a human with god powers so his creation can kill him to relieve his anger

But it should be

Why are atheists bigger assholes than Christians?

This is the cast for Jezebel, an action packed film about YHVH vs Baal

Bryan Cranston as Ahab
Christina Hendricks as Jezebel
Ian McShane as Elijah
Zoe Saldana as The Widow of Zarephath
Brendan Fraser as Nabot
Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Jehorab
Samuel L Jackson as Jehu