Guy's got no social media presence at all, he's like a ghost

>complete bullshit

so they don't have to call your references

LinkedIn is one of the more useless social networks.

>sir thermal scans indicate that heat signature was actually him
>...but it hasn't moved in 3 days
>he must have trained with monks of Tibet
>we are dealing with a highly trained mad man

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>the call is coming from inside his house chief, he’s barricaded in the basement and has a female hostage
>shit... girlfriend? ex-wife?
>no, it’s his mom

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HR will *always* Google you if you're among the final candidates. Always good to have some sort of presence online.

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this humor is becoming cringy

>Detective, lab results are in. He's a complete virgin by 21, not even a trace of female dna on his body, not even on his lips
>So we're dealing with a cult, huh? Goddamnit, I thought this was gonna be an easy case.

>Chief, we’ve secured his high school yearbook!
>Well done son, we can finally crack this case!
>No chief...you don’t understand. His name is in there chief, but there’s no pictures anywhere.
>Not even at prom?
>No chief, looks like he didn’t go
>Good God, how long has he been planning this? We’re dealing with a true mastermind here.

i got asked about it once during a job interview, i just said i enjoy my privacy and they didn't ask any further questions.

I am 25 years old and I never even kissed a girl.

>what are his demands?
>he wants us to turn the spotlights off and the internet back on.

Fuck You.
Not going to Prom is completely reasonable.

not harassing them on instagram and snapchat.
you're using it wrong.

>apparently our guy thought himself an intellectual but was unable to get laid.
>his "notes" app on his phone is full of depressing rants and anxiety-fueled tales that sound borderline suicidal.

>he's also got a bunch of stuff discussing a bizarre amount of history and occult stuff.. I honestly can't tell if he's a nazi or a commie, a christian like his mom claims, or some kind of occultist.. pretty weird eh chief?

>we also found a bunch of unopened condoms in a paper bag, did some digging it turns out he got them from a promotional event at his community college 3 years ago and they've been sitting in his drawer ever since.

Linkedin is a s o y instrument. Only bugman jobs where you sit at a desk all day would require that sort of. Pick a new line of work

I kissed and held hands with a girl,

it's easier in high-school to be honest because you're able to get away with being a stupid narcissistic shithead easier in highschool.

>Sir! We've gained access to his hard drives!
>Well? What's on there?
>Multiple programs about customizing and having sex with women, sir. Program files suggest he plays them several hours each day. And they've been installed for years.
>Good God, this sick fuck is preparing for serial rape. Someone with that much practice would be unstoppable. I want a squad car outside his house at all times.

>dammit Johnson give me something, the guy’s whole life was lived through that computer.
>We didn’t find a manifesto chief, and his email only contains promotional coupons from Pizza Hut.
>what DID you find??
>thousands of pictures of hollywood actor Ryan Gosling. Must be three terabytes at least.

>>his "notes" app on his phone is full of depressing rants and anxiety-fueled tales that sound borderline suicidal.
Too close to home

This is correct
I made a site under my own name for that very reason, since I have no social media at least I can control what other people see about me

>that title III wire tap came through six weeks ago, you’re telling me you don’t have any tape yet?
>just one call from a jimmy johns driver who got lost. That was four days ago.

>"It says here you called someone 'faget' on a Gamefaqs forum in 2007"

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>that's not all sir. one of his creations seems to be a young girl named "low-lee-chahn", of whom he has multiple images of her performing sex acts on an overweight cowboy named "Vincent". We believe this to be a self-insert.
>horrifying, fucking horrifying. we can't arrest him on just that though, if it's just an image he can claim she's 18. but...Canada! it's 100% illegal there, we can tip off the RCMP next time he takes an expensive vacation to a foreign country
>that won't work sir. he must be on to us, he hasn't left the country since his dad died.
>clever bastard.

>chief... chief... we found something incriminating.. apparently our guy was sexting with a girl when he was a teenager.

>apparently they stopped after our perp wanted something other than nudes and instead wanted to open up about his feelings...or something gay like that, there's so many cringeworthy messages about "wanting to touch her face" and "hear/feal her breathing" that it's hard to tell, what kind of faggot are we dealing with here chief? Couldn't he tell that she wasn't looking for anything heavy like that?

They stole this joke in Shazam! by the way.

I went to prom drunk and by myself

I was so surprised over that I burst laughing in the theater

It was just a prank bro

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That classifies as possesion and distribution of child pornography under United States Law. The cops would have more than enough reason to arrest him right then and there.

>Check the SMS, surely this guy sends texts.
>Already did chief, only activity from the last year is when his mom was out of town, they’re instructions on how to use the washing machine.

Isn’t that pretty much all of Yea Forums? Even the highly paid, successful posters here have boring nerd desk jobs like programming or whatever.

>Cogito ergo sum
>Facebooko/instagramo/snapo/linkedino ergo sum

Tell them you have a Yea Forums account

these guys are wanting to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

also 18 is still technically a teenager, though the cops won't know what's up until they get the age of the girl... who's in another country and is really a guy

>we also found a bunch of unopened condoms in a paper bag, did some digging it turns out he got them from a promotional event at his community college 3 years ago and they've been sitting in his drawer ever since.

Motherfucker got me.
5 years ago did i get those condoms. Saving them in hopes to use them...

>not having fake real social media page

Thought they have expiration dates.

Wow, user really is a fucking fag. Hope he gets the DP

You should get new ones

I always masturbated into condoms I got for free

>No messenger, no castle, no horse, no herald
>This guy's like a ghost

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>calling the death penalty "the DP"
do americans really do this

What you expect from soulless capitalism machines.

>tfw only got head at most from a 5/10 girl in high school and now an incel for life

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At least try to sound like a cop..... you cant even meme correctly. Are you 15 by any chance? You sound like a kid. Fuck you asshole

I had sex in high school with 5 girls. That was 15 years ago.
I just cant find someone anymore. I became an autist.

>Google's John Smith
>We're never going him with all these results
>Better go with Daquandrianimus his profile pic is him robbing a liquor store but it's something.

My sides

non american here
do people in america are actually asked for social media accounts when looking for a job? or are you guys just shitposting

>I had sex in high school with 5 girls.
At the same time?

>tfw balding turned me from chad light into an incel

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That’s unrealistic, even the most unsocial losers have social media accounts these days

...

>he has sent many a fair maiden letters of love carried by raven
>he has not receiveth a single reply

>we went through hundreds of pictures from the victim's facebook detective
>"did you find anything?"
>there's one guy who keeps showing up in photos over several years
>no tags, no mention of him in the comments
>something about him just seems off
>"thank you constable, this might just be the monster we're searching for"

Why you dont have social media account user? Is it because it would be empty just like your life?

>tfw went to prom 4 times

do americans really need to apply for jobs? here in britain we get matched to recruiters who do the work for you

I don't

I only use 4channel and toutube.

I dont
last social media account I had was hi5
I've never had a fb account

JDD doesn't count

In America we don't get arrested for unorthodox thought.

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>Use AI social media face finder to test it can find anything
>Upload my photo, being 100% there would be nothing.
>It found me on my Moms facebook photos from 5 years ago.
Fucking technology.

On one hand its understandable that girls are wary of a guy that is a complete stranger and cannot be profiled in this modern interconnected world of ours, on the other I just dont give a fuck about social media and all that "share what you do/see/feel" mentality normies have been conditioned into following. Anybody that I actually am close will find me accessible via whatsapp at any point they feel, beyond that its just a burden and also pretty disgusting when you realize that the photo that person posted was not for whatever cringey writeup preceded their picture but purely for attention whoring and complements to validate their existence.

I bought some in 2010. But I've since used them for masturbation. Is it normal to cum just from putting on a condom?

>sir, it looks like the suspect hasn't left his house in over a week
>every report shows that he usually leaves around noon to get mcnuggets from mcdonalds
>the one he frequents has an infamous spot for drug deals and we think there might be a connection

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>Fine! We'll tail him when he leaves his apartment
>Sir.. he hasn't gone out in a mont..
>Then we'll just wait for another month!
>I don't think he has any reason to go out sir, he hasn't made any phone calls and he orders everything from amaz..
>Goddammit Jenkins! You just don't get it!
He has to go out! He has to! No one can live like thi..
>Chief, chief! We found a copy of his passport!
>Passport!? Goddammit Simons. I told you to get me his drivers licence!
>..sir.
>Out with it!
>He doesn't have a drivers licence, sir!
>Dear God...

>got anything sergeant?
>"nothing yet sir, I just don't get it
>"the ISP is certain that this address torrented hundreds of gigabytes of material last month
"but now.. nothing"
>we must be dealing with a high level hacker using the dark web

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>get me all the credit info we got on this guy
>b-but sir he doesn't have a credit card seems he doesn't buy anything under his own name
>so he's got a fake alias?
>no sir he seems to make purchases under his mothers name
>he only uses cash and doesn't leave a paper trail under his name damn, this kid's fucking good i'll need to call up a old friend for a favor

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AMATERASU

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>what’s his credit card activity?
>never had one, chief. He has a debit card that he uses to withdraw cash that his mother transfers to his account.
>damn. driver’s license?
>we don’t think he’s ever operated a vehicle
>tell me the man has a library card at least
>actually... yes. Last used six months ago, he checked out some japanese cartoon dvds. Oh, and a book about swords.
>anything else?
>he’s two entrees away from a free chips and guac at qdoba

I've never understood the thought process behind posting a picture on an account with vomit-iinducing write ups trying desperately to sound genuine and as if they are the purest people in the world, just living life in the moment. Its so blatantly obvious that the poster is only gauging his/her relevance within their social circle by the amount of hits their post recieves and looking for that dopamine rush that accompanies the number they feel is high enough to validate their existence, and yet there will be a massive text wall pretending they dont care about the little number beneath their post. Am I a bigger hermit than I previously thought or does this strange ritual of masking their compulsive need to acquire fake internet points beneath a mask of false pretense genuinely baffle others?

Jesus fucking christ that hits too close to home

I do buy shit with a debt card though, but never got a credit card still

Normie fest. Imagine suffering for years and then celebrating it.

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I have lots of them, none with my real identity though

>are you sure this information is correct?
>"it has been checked and rechecked, sir"
>you're gonna sit there and tell me this man has spent eight and a half hours of his time on an image board and he hasn't interacted at ALL!?
>"..."
>"he did takes breaks to watch live ASMR"
>so that's how he's collaborating with the other dark web users, in live chat rooms!
>this might just be the smartest criminal alive

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I have no social media of my own so the only photos of me on Facebook are either from 10 years ago or they're of me drunk with friends. A potential employer doing a background check is not going to have much to work with.

>Johnson it's been a week since you've bugged his place and you still haven't given me a report, what the fucks goin' on?
>s-sir, i've been listening to the bug for over 3 days
>and?!
>t-the only thing i've heard is Johnny Cash's ''Hurt'' on repeat with soft sobbing in the background
>jesus christ...

>i had sex
fuck off you're not one of us

They didn't suffer. They had a blast making friends, getting drunk, and getting laid. You were the one suffering.

imagine being hung up on stuff like this during high school and after it

Nice try coppers, but I was homeschooled

there was a homeschool prom set up by people in the area and I chose not to go because I didn't actually know any of the other homeschool people

>fuck off you're not one of us
what are you gonna do, not have sex at me?

>what did you find out at the sporting goods store?
>a clerk remembered someone matching user’s description, chief. Came in about three months ago, asked to see some shotguns. He awkwardly dropped one before muttering something about preferring the elegance of a blade then he waddled out of the store.

yes

>do a phone interview
>bitch calls me at 6pm on a saturday

HR sluts belong in camps

oh no

Why not?

I don't know why they aren't attracted to me, I'm so fabulous

>okay gentlemen you're probably wondering how I managed to convince to Captain to approve this over time
>*sniggers from around the conference room*
>Shia Lebouf has filed multiple complaints about online trolls
>it's a high profile case and we need to do it by the book
>Simmons, you spend time on image boards with your spare time
>"sir how did you kn-"
>this is the FBI, we know everything
>try to infiltrate the group and just be yourself
>I'll check in with you in 24 hours for an update

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>
That was shit

Link?

Based

>we found a post where you described Wind Waker as "faggot shit" in 2003, care to explain?

kek'd

the only thing funnier than this lie was the two fucking retards who actually said this situation was ok

its a good feeling, but they need it more than you.

Is homeschool good? Did you feel like you missed out on anything? I think it's a great way to teach your kids

Seriously though, is it your looks? If it is, get an escort and indulge yourself.

I dont get that image. What does it mean?

>Analytics just got back to us with the background check sir
>And?
>He's a ghost, sir. He doesn't have a paper trail at all. No job, no history of secondary education, no health insurance, not even a facebook post tagging him in a photo with mutual friends.
>Dammit Johnson! Do you expect me to believe a human being can live like that in 2019? He's clearly a foreign intelligence asset. He has to have an outside source of income.
>He hasn't left his house in weeks sir. Field Agents have recorded daily visits from a Jets Pizza delivery boy - presumably his handler.
>Intercept that delivery boy Johnson, but do it clean! I don't want this guy getting spooked do you understand me?! I got a feeling if this guy goes underground he'll disappear like a fart in the wind. I dont want another incident like the Runescape-gf-catfishing operation.

fucking delete this ;-;

Don't fucking do it. Your child will never have friends. I speak from experience.

>Bought a box of 40 condoms in high school
>Only used half of them in the last 5 years.
Slept with 11 women in that time hundreds of times total.
Just fucking hate using condoms

fucking normie scum

Pretty stupid if they really did it.

Well it isn't baffling at all when you read something like How to Make Friends and Influence others, one of the key aspects to humans is that they love to feel important, so the reasoning behind such people who obsess over acquiring these internet points is explainable by the means that it endorses one's own existence. Which you said in your own post.
To sum it up though, some people need to be validated, as many have been brainwashed that they are the main character of life.

In generak people is lazy as fuck to search beyond whatevwe you tell them

I've been browsing this site since I was a Virgin, nerd

Really? How is does work?

You are just a loser.

Real sex is raw.

Not him but that doesnt make you one of us. You cunts already have your Twitters and your Facebooks and Instagrams to associate with your own filthy kind. Leave this tiny corner of the internet to us and fuck off already

Yeah, I feel like the education would be vastly superior since it's personalized but socializing is a super important part of child development.

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>He's got a Yea Forums gold account, sir
>GOD NO

Yeah that is a downside. Do they not have outside activities for kids. Were you on any sports teams or do any art classes or something.

kek

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No. We`re all 7 feet tall Wendy chefs with 10 inch cocks who earn 300k per year, pleb.

>tfw too scared to Google my own name
I have a first name that is the same as a major politician in my country, so I know when I search for Name Surname the results are overwhelmed by links related to that politician. But I have no fucking clue what the results are like if I search in quotation marks.

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>Do they not have outside activities for kids. Were you on any sports teams or do any art classes or something.
You do know what homeschooling is, right?

you gotta be more active with getting out and meeting others. its not like school where everyone is just tossed together and god sorts it out.

>Google my name
>Only results are articles on commie webpapers for some hippie fag who made a website for disabled people or something
I'm off the grid

Nailed it.

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