/fmg/

im not really sure how to start these threads but i have a screenplay that i'd like to share. im just after some opinions.
i implore you all to share whatever screenplays/ideas you have as well

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Go ahead pal, make my day.

coming right up

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Be more concise. You could've told the first 3 pages in 1.5 pages or less probably.
Unless your prose is phenomenal, only keep what's absolutely essential to the story and plot.
You don't have to describe every single action the characters do.
>EXT. CLUB
>We see the front entrance of a club.
This is redundant. Logline should be: EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE OF A CLUB
Little things like that so save pages, so you don't tire your reader out or make him bored.
Your prose also needs to be tighten up. It's too verbose.
>many people packed like sardines are waiting...
Use active voice. "Many people... WAIT in a queue." Cut "to be let inside." It's redundant.

How I might've written it:
>EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT
>A busy queue shiver in the cold.
>Arthur huddles on the curb nearby, shifting anxiously as if anticipating someone.
>ARTHUR [TEXT]: I'm waiting at the front.
You basically saved half of page, and told essentially the same story with 3 lines.

Is this your first script? What's your writing experience? Good attempt for an early draft, but needs a lot of editing and polishing. Google and refresh yourself on what is considered "a good writing style." Since I don't know the story, I can only critique your style.

>Is this your first script?
one of my first
>What's your writing experience?
absolutely none, im just trying to get better at screenwriting

i appreciate the feedback. i will attempt to simplify it more. sometimes im not sure how descriptive i should be, what things i need to include etc. i guess i should just read more screenplays to get a better idea

Reminder that Stanley Kubrick was an awful writer
>Stanley … has always functioned better if he got a good writer and worked with him as an editor … I have a copy of the terrible Paths of Glory that he wrote to make it more commercial. If we had shot that script, Stanley might still be living in an apartment in Brooklyn instead of in a castle in England …

>sometimes im not sure how descriptive i should be, what things i need to include etc. i guess i should just read more screenplays to get a better idea
Yeah, read more scripts, and you'll find out what annoys you as you're reading. Writing is rewriting, and having good script economy is just being able to tell the same or more with less.
Rereading what I wrote, I can already see what can be cut again.
>EXT. BUSY CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT
>A queue shivers in the cold.
>Arthur shifts anxiously on the curb nearby, then quickly types a text.
>ARTHUR [TEXT]: I'm out front. Are you close?
In terms of writing style, the text tells you that he's waiting for someone, and you can cut all that description telling that he's waiting. Show don't tell.
In terms of plotting, why not just have him waiting in the queue already? IRL, people would save a spot in a line when waiting for a friend. You can even have him at the front of the line but tells other people to go ahead, "go ahead, I'm waiting for a friend."
This way, cut all the crap about staring at grass, and get straight to it, when she gets there. All the tension is in the subtext, "is she going to show up, is Arthur getting stood up..." yada yada.
He was decent afaik. Read his Napoleon script.

Where's a good place to find a lot of scripts, even for more obscure movies? The usual torrent sites?

Google. "[FILM NAME] Script"
Simplyscripts is good.

Thanks. No idea why I thought they'd be harder to find.

I think my problem with writing is that I'm trying to put direction in there as well, hence the bloated nature. If I can keep it purely from a written perspective and then interpret it later, I think I'll have a decent script

Yeah, that's one way to look at it. The rough draft is translating what you're imagining into words, so you might write a lot of unnecessary details. When you edit and polish, you can remove a lot of the details or just combine them into better description.

Fellas, im not sure what to do. Im recently out of high school. The country i live in has a terrible film industry so im thinking of trying to get into a film school in the us. Is it worth it? Any tips?

My country has a semi decent film history but im going to a film school in this country still. I think that if im good enough, I will make it in the industry with my talent but if I dont, at least I tried. Use the tools accessible to you, dont go to america only to be dissapointed. Learn and hone your craft first and if you make something of yourself, go Hollywood.

just give up on your dreams like a normal person

What country?

I would honestly rather die trying to do what i want in life than being a souless wageslave
Sweden

pussy

we all want to die you're not special

Did i even imply that? Stop projecting you miserable retard

stop phoneposting

My friend recently told me the acting in my films was stiff and didn't engage her.
I'm going through kind of a depressive time now. I like to think she was being harsh (she said it in a very nice way though) because she's mad at me for unrelated reasons and because she thinks I have a huge ego.
This is a cope btw. It's not helping much

Just starting filming shit. And buy a camera and learn how to use it

>we all want to die you're not special

>fullquoting

Just from these few sentences it seems that you have an ego. Film yourself acting and see if she was right. Ask her to elaborate on her claims, dont just say "durrr she mad so she wrong". If you didnt have an ego, you would see what she meant, no complain to a bunch of faggots online.

2 things
1.I don't act myself
2.I'm unloading, not complaining. I definitely have an ego. But it's counterbalanced by crushing insecurity. Hence the need to unload

If you want to discuss shit, get feedback or show off. Check discord.gg/TXeSZu

theres currently a cross american collab going

discord shills should be shot

Why is filmmaking so depressing though?