I want your sword and brooch... you’re off the crusade

>You just looted the entirety of Constantinople! I'm sorry, but the Vatican is breathing down my neck, I'm going to have to excommunicate you.

>You weren't there man... You weren't there...

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>dammit Jhonson, I told you not to touch Zara, your had a clear objective, reclaim Alexandria, in wich language does Alexandria sound like Zara?
>but boss, we had to pay the boats and...
>I asked you Johnson, in wich language does fucking Alexandria sound like Zara?
>None sir
>Then why did you besiege that city?
>Dandolo said...
>Did you fucking said Dandolo? So you are still pals with that blind lunatic?
>...
>you have lost it pal, you and your men are excommunicated, get out of my church

>I know what you're thinking. Did he loose one crossbow bolt or only zero? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself.

>and I want it done by The Book

>rubs crystal ball for a few seconds
...I’m in.

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>He doesn't know the assortment of buddy legionnaire flicks

>Word on the street is that the Jews are working both sides of the crusade, but you didn't hear it from me.

>*slides longbow across table*
>im sure you havent forgot how to use one of these

all gold

>Your little stunt in Damascus, it didn't work friend, I have inquistors so far up my ass I'm gonna puke filoques

>He's a hermit
>No land
>No titles
>No fair maiden
>Yet has thousands of followers

Who is this guy?

Johnson you're a goddamn loose catapult, remember your little stunt during the siege of Trojmberg? Well now I got the clergy up my goddamn arse, did you really have to burn that pagan church?

That's it. Swords, chainmail and horse on my desk. Now.

Nice

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>do you know how much your little stunt cost your liege lord?

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You forgot to put mine in there fren

>One. Last. Crusade.

>Word is he's the dirtiest merchant this side of the Bosphorus

>You'll need a war ant for that.

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>Lucius, I've personally selected you for a delicate joint-operation with our peers in Constantinople. This is your new partner, Ruslan, a highly decorated officer pulled out of the Varangian guard specifically for this mission.

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lmao honestly Yea Forums has the best memes
this goes right into fucking sub i swear

>One day you're the Basileos of the fuckin Roman Empire, the next day you're wandering around with no balls or eyes. Life's like that sometimes.

>You know, I've seen all the different types. We all fit a certain category— the mercenary, the Italian crossbowmen, the, uh, surrogate King, the man possessed by ungovernable rage, the brain— and any of those types could be a good Crusader, and any of those types could be an incompetent Jew.

I don’t know what this lol

Last I heard he was riding with some bad dudes out of Karakorum, you know the ones.

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>Papists like you make me sick

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>Innocent III was cuting every link between him and the Constantinople siege, but it had nothing to do with me, he wasn't going to share christendom with byzantines, he'd rather whack'em, anyway why did I care

Marco Polo?

True Detective.

lol

>Curses, thy mischief cost the lord a king's ransom! Thou have a fortnight to complete thy quest and thereafter, we decree that thou shalt turn in thy tabard and thy sword... and thy OTHER sword

>I quit the templar life, sire, you know this. I'm almost 23 years old, so not much time left. I needed to retire

>You don’t make up for you sins in church. You do it in the battlefield. You do it at Palestine. The rest is bullshit and you know it.

>>You smell that? Do you smell that?... Greek fire, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of Greek fire in the morning. You know, one time we had a fleet bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink Arab ship. The smell, you know that naphtha smell, the whole fleet. Smelled like... victory. Someday this war's gonna end...

I'm putting together a party for one last crusade.
>You in?

>50,000 solidii? Who you think you got, a vestal virgin?

>be me
>crusader
>excommunicated and ashamed.woventapestry
>sitting in dingy brothel corner
>"TOMMINUS, YOU SON OF LUPA!"
>commander Johninim of my legion appears
>I grunt
>"well look at what's become of you.. that infidel you threw from Jerusalem's wall worth it now huh?"
>fuckyousmellymuslimdeservedit.carving
>"well.. truth be told the pope is putting together a crusade, you In?"
>"I can't see another battle... not after Acre"
>"you're a loose crossbow, Tomminus but by the Lord above you get the job done."
>tosses me a longbow and quiver of arrows
>"you still remember how to use one of these right?"

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>sigh... can my children go?

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>Tell me of Balduin, why does he wear a mask?

Curses, Cassius, you're a rogue trebuchet but you hang witches!

Hark Ser Pavel and good day, my Christian name be CIA

>but sire, I’m close to getting to the bottom of this, the constantinople siege was no accident, thousands of relics conveniently went right to the vatic-
>this is bigger than you squire, bigger than all of us. Stop digging now or you’re off the crusade

>Let me tell you what now. I’ma summon a couple a’ hard, mace swingin Saxons who’ll go to work on the homes here with a pair of tongs and a bellows. you hear me talkin’ Saracen boy? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get classical on your ass.

>I’ma get classical on your ass.
I kek'd

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>be me
>Anglo Saxon
>be part of a crusader ship with a bunch of my fellow knights
>we pull into port in Normandy
>it's some fucking frogmen and a few prisoners
>one of them is some filthy turk called sir parvel
>i tell them to throw them aboard, and that they're my responsibility

>He was slaughtering Saracens 2 at a time! Templars couldn't get a kill on the battlefield

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>First one to proselytize gets to stay on my boat!

>not that one, your crossbow

you're a sizeable fellow

aaaahhh, one day before Jerusalem
"dies"

Is this the fight where The Mongolian get BTFO by some sticks ?

>We're back to the Borgias!
>Um, yeah, have you not been paying attention?

>how far up the feudal system does this go?
>all the way to the top
>the king?
>higher than the king. The Pope himself

>one of their prisoners was a large individual named bane
>obviously some roman prisoner who had thought for his freedom
>told him what his plan was
>he was after sir pavel
>ask that turk scum what he told them
>"n-nought, m'lord, i said nought"
>suddenly a manowar ship rams us from behind

>Considering this is the most power 11th century War hammer, you gotta ask yourself one question - "Do I feel fortunate?".Well, do ya, saracen!?

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>Or perhaps he is wondering why someone would behead a man before throwing him off a boat

Oh my fucking god Yea Forums I laughed so hard it caused me to have a coughing fit uno when your little throat ball thing hits your tongue and you start choke laughing.

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Report anti-semitic scrolls and letters.

>“You know somethin’, goy? You make me laugh, you know that? I borrow money all over this city left and right, from everybody, and I never paid ‘em back interest. I Borrow money from you because you’re the only stupid goyim around here that I could borrow money from without payin’ back interest right? ‘Cause that’s what you are, That’s what I think of you, cattle.

For thee

>be me
>besieging some sarracen castle
>crusader next to me gets a small icon out of his bag
>she's my girlfriend, beautiful isn't she
>yes you are very lucky
>after we claim Jerusalem I will go back to Burgundy and marry her
>"gets an arrow straight to the head"
>mfw

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>Yeah, let's talk business, Father. First of all, you're all done. The Cathilics don't even have that kind of muscle anymore. The Pope's sick, right? You're getting chased out of Jerusalem by Saladin and the other religions. What do you think is going on here? You think you can come to my church and take over? I TALKED to the Caliph - I can make a deal with him, and still keep my congregation

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>ENRICO! WE WERE ON A BREAK!

>This is my siege Templar!
>not henceforth

>Infiltrate the Jannisaries, find the holy scepter.

lel

I hate to tell you this chum, but your friend may have been consorting with pagans

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>Is that why you slapped my missionaries around in public?

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>That's it bishop, you're on Mass duty until further notice!

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The names Sneedicus and I own the feed and seed business.
Bought it off of my friend Chuck, whom formerly owned the business.
An unholy family visited my business t'other day, told them to convert to Catholocisim or fuck off back to Turkey.

HE WAS JUST TWO DAYS TILL ABSOLUTION

>Aw, now that, that was nothin', Father. Marty didn't mean nothin' by that. Yeah, sure he flies off the handle every once in a while, but me and him, we're good friends, right Marty?

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>archbishop have you prepped my bulls yet?

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As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a priest. To me, being a priest was better than being Duke of Burgundy. Even before I first wandered into the church for an afterplough job I knew I wanted to be a part of them. It was there that I knew that I belonged. To me, it meant being a clergyman in the neighborhood that was full of laity. They weren’t like anybody else. I mean, they did whatever they wanted. They worked on Sundays and nobody ever gave them penance. In the summer when they sang plainsong all night, nobody ever called the reeve.

no, christian icons are a thing, just depictions, they arent idols, only proddies confuse the two

Molto Bene

KEk

>You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my papal legate. He’s the best papal legate in the kingdom of Aragorn. He’s such a good merchant, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be crusading in Prussia. So dress warm.

>bed a maiden from my village
>her father is furious, demands I take responsibility
>marry her
>pledge to provide for her and my unborn child
>spend three years in the desert, fighting for the Church
>return home to my son
>his skin is darker than a saracen's and has wiry hair like a Turk's arse
>wife proclaims she had a Sicilian grandfather
>begs me not to leave her

all women are strumpets

>TEUTONIC ORDER OPEN UP
>WE HAVE PAPAL BULL FOR YOUR FORCED BAPTISM

>it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no Genghis Khan
>it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no fortunate one