An autopsy after Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death revealed a colon that was 5-6 inches in diameter and 8-9 feet long...

S T E E L C A P P E D T O E

would you rather have unlimited access to anyone's onlyfans and premium snap or have unlimited fries at any mcdonalds

haha just roll with it guys lol rapper XD

lying fuck

>six million bags

>measuring the colon of dead guys
lmao what a shit job

mcdonalds fries suck now that they're not pure lard

lel

>mfw I flew into New York the day before he died and stayed like 20 blocks from his place
As I arrived at my hotel room, he was just down the road injected the fatal dose of heroin.

Hey guys, OP here. I'm a giant shit-eating faggot and i'd appreciate if you'd let my thread die.

Not long before he died.

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Based OP

my one friend and i mixed amphetamine, xanax and klonopin, heroin and cocaine a couple times. we called it the four hoffman of the apocalypse (those drugs were in his system when he died).

Dunno about Hoffman but Elvis died due to a severe case of constipation (itself caused largely due to the drugs he consumed, which brought his colon to a halt). What killed him exactly was something weird that happens when you strain your body too much, like when trying to push shit out, one of the major arteries actually constricts from the pressure. This gave Elvis a heart attack from which he did not recover.

Reminds me of working at the detox center.

We would have clients who would lose 20-30 pounds overnight due to massive shits.

Oh god my future
>t.chronic constipation sufferer

Do you make this thread daily or weekly? I'm not always here at this exact time of the evening but I've seen this at least 4 times in the past month.

What the fuck user

youtu.be/7RoMaS1pzOE

i'm genuinely worried it's going to happen to my mother, she's on really high dosages of morphine and goes to the toilet like once a month

Must feel amazing to shit something that big.

He was a "rapper"

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFIES TIME MOMMY
PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFY TIME
MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFY TIME
HELP ME MOM HELP ME
IT'S PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFY TIME

Just drink coconut water everyday and eat 900grs of cashew nuts every week until it gets better.

A stool softener is more than enough to relieve constipation. No worries.

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It's not fun to have to use a plunger every time you shit.
Every time

My friend is addicted to Tramadol and keeps clogging my toilet. I'm about to ban him from my house

I don't even do drugs and I'm not constipated but I still have GIGANTIC massive shits that require plungers every time.
One time at work I couldn't get it to go down and didn't want to ask for a plunger so I just left it there for someone else to find so they'd think a customer did it. My boss had to fish it out with his hands and was screaming about how someone must have ripped their asshole open and how it seemed like it came out of a fucking horse. It was admittedly the diameter of a forearm and almost as long. I don't know what's wrong with me.

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Have you never tried flushing *while* you're pooping?

That wouldn't help. They're all solid bricks.

Just shit at 7-11 or something.

Shitting in public restrooms is a nightmare. Also I wait until the very last moment possible to shit because sitting on the toilet is gay

Same thing with Elvis.

underrated

I used to shit these types before getting constipated and only shitting pebbles while squatting on the toilet seat every 3 or 4 days. I have a condition that makes one prone to chronic constipation called dolichocolon, it's when your colon is longer than normal and makes an extra loop for the shit to pass and well, it sucks.

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You had me cracking up by mid paragraph. Well done.

I had a gf that could hold her shits in for several days. Was she on opioids?

post that pic, you know the one

based and walmartpilled boomer fat rapper shitting on stage

Change your diet. Exercise more. Drink coffee.

Just unbend a paper clip and stick it up your asshole and try to break up the shit as much as you can so it goes out in smaller pieces instead of a giant turd. Works for me.

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>rappers

i guarantee OP logged off Yea Forums and walked away embarrassed when this was pointed out. Lets all laugh at him!

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Probably just a slut with a broken asshole glued shut from nigger cum.

A wire coat hanger works best.

Beware you may poke you colon and bleed a little but it still works.

anal loosens your asshole. That’s why fags that live past 40 are so often fecally incontinent

Or, as William Burroughs suggested, "the surgical equivalent of an apple corer".

This happens when you're incredibly fat

I'm only a little chubby, 245 lbs

Imagine how backed up I was sticking opioids up my ass. Glad that was just a phase

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>the four hoffman of the apocalypse
fuck this got me

So when you die, they take all your guts out and shit?

That isn't true

You sure are...

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Sounds like a shit diet to me. I used to shit at least once a day, and they were big shits too, but once I changed up my diet, and started exercising regularly, I'm down to only needing to shit every 2-3 days, and even then, they're little cat shits. Piss like a racehorse though.

>A former close friend of Hoffman’s has claimed that he possessed very little control over his bowels, and that he would often accidentally defecate himself around her.
That's an alpha move. Absolutely based.

I eat like shit and the only exercise I do is walk to my car. I shit everyday within the same timeframe and my turds are pristine.

I drink a lot of coffee and I'm on OMAD, so maybe It's because of that.

unlimited mcd's fries, but fuck off if i have to wait hours in line at the drive thru and/or lobby

>unlimited access to anyone's onlyfans and premium snap
If I don't understand a single word of this. Zoomers are strange.

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remember to use stool softeners the first few months if youre taking opiates.

after awhile of consistent use though you'll even out and start taking massive shits everyday like normal withut needing the S.S.

Is the snap an avengers reference? I don't get it.

fries, i could actually sell them off to other people, whores are dime a dozen

>push shit out
>break chunk off with fingers
>pull it back in
>repeat

Kino

why don't toilets have inbuilt slicers at the bottom of the bowl, that way if you do a big poo poo it will fall into the slicers and turn into nice diced cubes of poo

based

Don't do this it makes mustard gas3

Snapchat. Premium snapchat implies it's an e-whore, especially a high profile one, sharing lewd or nude images for a premium.

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Almost, OÞag, almost

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Thanks fren. I wasn't trolling really had no ideia.

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I thought he was snorting it at the time?

Onlyfans is where erotic model upload their actual nude pics if you pay them a monthly subscription. Sort of like Patreon for porn.

is it because of the gay or because of the opioid abuse.

CLEAN IT UP WAGIE

Xanax and kpins are pretty much the same thing gives you the same effects. Though Dilaudid and coke iv is where its at shit, just coke iv is amazing. Sucks though because you want to shoot up every 10 minutes. Beat opiates long ago but, still get cravings for intravenous cocaine. The word alone will sometimes give me butterfly's. Really hope I never find a person who slings coke ever again. Too expensive esp when done that way.

delight

You're not gonna tell me you never listened to one of Hoffman's hit singles. Lo pH was a straight G.

I'm glad I'm not sad enough to keep up with the porn trends. That being said I can pirate the puss of any even remotely popular eWhore. The only way I can pirate some McFries is digging through a dumpster.

That method never did anything for me tried everything from dilaudid to bupe and always felt like a waste but the good shot in the vain never let me down though.

hoffman definitely is NOT gay but he could have possibly be into a little hetero / solo butt-stuff, trust me my gaydar is impeccable and i can spot a tranny from a mile away

Pull it back in?

i've seen this exact thread with the same posts 3 times

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dont you poop?

>tfw a big poo catches butt hair and pulls them out as it exits your butt

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>Lo pH
Lol

>still get cravings for intravenous cocaine. The word alone will sometimes give me butterfly's
I dare you to get acupuncture treatment. It'll make you high, seriously.

>took a massive shit in buddy's camper
>he had to send it to the service shop for the turd extraction
>1 grand out of my pocket to C-section extract a turd from the septic tank
thats my story bros

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>rapper's

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>rapper’s

Its actually a LIE about "dried fecal matter" inside a human colon. That is just propaganda pushed by enema nut cases who suggest that high colonics are good for you, which they are not.
Everybody's colon is pink, wet and smooth on the inside, and poop pretty much is pushed around in it in blobs, and they get firmer as the water is absorbed by the colon.

He died in 1894?

P. Hoffy

(please don't call me reddit. please don't call me reddit. please don't call me reddit. please don't call me reddit.)

You are not joking. I get that same feeling thinking about it too.

I used to only be able to after immediately smoking meth. Then the rest of the time I guess my body was so undernourished that it absorbed all the food. No shit for a couple weeks. Somebody told me that methamphetamine contains baby stool softener to cut it a lot of times, but I honestly think my body just used to run on low power mode until it's metabolism could get thrumming again from the junk... The sweet, sweet junk...

Not all people have computer ass. The 20 hrs on actually makes a natural cork and just like anything else you can learn to delay the shit so you can shit post for another 30 mins. After awhile you become the grand Master shit holder and barely feel the pain and alert your body gives when it's ready to dump. Once you get moving and gravity congeals more weight than the cork it all comes out.

Lots of water and 3 square meals will allow for military precision shitting first thing in the morning, perfect size and no nasty clean up. People who are ultra unhealthy usually get scared of the ghost shit, because they equate crapping with an ungodly strain and mess with the eventual swamp ass that'll follow throughout the day.

jesus christ, how was it?

What exactly does Xanax do for you, anyway?

>Be a pizza delivery driver in a college town a few years back.
>Deliver to a couple black guys.
>Dude stars offering me drugs in payment instead of money.
>"I got weed, coke..."
>"Nah, I'm good."
>"Come on man, I KNOW you take Xanax!"

I've never really known what to make of that.

>I KNOW you take Xanax!"
>I've never really known what to make of that.

Caucasian in a college town

That's probably it. I figured it was either that, or my general demeanor.

>My boss had to fish it out with his hands

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lol no poop knife what a scrub

>amphetamine
>cocaine
These actively interfere with each other's mechanism of action, you stupid fucking nigger.

>What exactly does Xanax do for you, anyway?
Depends on how much you take obviously. Medical doses is just you becoming less anxious all the time and its easier to go to sleep. Higher doses basically makes you drunk but you don't get a hangover, you don't lose motor functions or start talking in slow motion. Unless you're doing insane doses, most of the time people won't even know you're on xanax.

You also get crazy combo effects with it. Smoking weed and doing xanax is basically perfect if you just wanna sit back and watch TV for 12 hours straight.

So it basically gives you the relaxed feeling and perhaps lowered inhibitions of alcohol, but doesn't turn you into a drooling, stumbling tard, and no hangover? Kind of wish I had found out about that when I was still in my partying phase.

Here's what 22lbs of shit in a colon looks like.

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Well the downside is that it is way more addictive than alcohol is and the fact that its easier to hide your use means you're more likely to start doing it when you're not partying.