STEVEN SEAGAL: ABSOLUTE MADMAN

>Steven Seagal's movie career began with a bet between two Hollywood executives, one which claimed anyone could be made into a star with the proper marketing, and one who doubted it. To prove his point, the first executive decided to make a starring vehicle for his Aikido trainer, none other than Seagal himself. That was the low-budget crime thriller ABOVE THE LAW, who became an unexpected box office hit. And thus the legend was born.

>In ABOVE THE LAW, Seagal goes against the fictional Chicago mob, and the real-life Chicago mob was none too pleased. Seagal was then coerced by them into starring in a series of action movies that were actually part of an elaborate money laundering scheme. In the late 1990's, after experiencing a self-described "spiritual awakening" through Buddhism, Seagal reneged on making violent action movies for the mob and even testified against them... Only to go right back to making violent action movies, this time for the Serbian government.

>As Segal's star began to rise, he began to believe his own hype. At the height of his fame, he once claimed to be immune to a judo choke hold. To prove this claim, he instigated stuntman and martial arts legend Gene LeBell to choke him. LeBell obliged. As it turns out, Seagal was not, and probably still is not, immune to judo. LeBell choked Seagal until he passed out and soiled his pants.

>During a party at Sylvester Stallone's house in the 1996, Seagal once again ran his mouth, this time about being able to beat up Jean-Claude Van Damme, not knowing that Van Damme was also at the party. Van Damme, at the height of his cocaine addiction and nurturing a lot of rage over being blacklisted from major Hollywood pictures, challenged Seagal to settle the score with a one-on-one fight, but Seagal bailed, claiming it wouldn't be honorable. Seagal left for another party, but Van Damme followed him there and later to a nightclub fishing for a fight before Seagal finally managed to evade him.

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en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme
youtu.be/zA-EqQhF_9o?t=177
youtube.com/watch?v=ibJaIHThz1k
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>Young Jenny McCarthy auditioned to play Seagal's nice in UNDER SIEGE 2. Seagal asked her to take off her dress for the audition. When she saw the script, she realized that the film didn’t call for any nudity, and called Seagal out on it. He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

>One day an executive walked into Seagal's trailer during filming for THE GLIMMER MAN and found Hollywood's reigning manly man weeping. "Oh, I'm reading this script," Seagal explained, "It's the most incredible script I've ever read", he said, still misty. "That's fantastic," the executive said, "Who wrote it?" Seagal didn't miss a beat. "I did."

>According to John Leguizamo in his autobiography, Steven Seagal physically attacked him during filming of EXECUTIVE DECISION, in an effort to scare the cast and crew. Leguizamo, who played one of the military men under Seagal's character's command, claimed that Seaga walked into the room barking orders at the actors as if they were really his subordinates. Assuming it to be a joke, Leguizamo laughed, but Seagal proved him wrong by elbowing him against a wall.

>In an interview with Huffpost Live, Tom Arnold claimed that Steven Seagal fell into the water while filming a scene for EXIT WOUNDS on his character's houseboat: Seagal had opted to shoot the scene without rehearsal and mistakenly exited through the wrong door, leading him to drop into the bay. He had to be pulled out by the crew.

>EXIT WOUNDS was also an unusual experience for the lead stunt coordinator, who was rehearsing with Seagal's co-star DMX when Seagal walked into the room and began sparring with other stuntmen. Without warning, Seagal turned to the coordinator and struck him in the crotch. Believing it to be a mistake, the man departed to continue working with DMX, only for Seagal to "subtly" follow him around trying to kick him in the nuts again, all while pretending to be sparring with people that weren't even there.

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>Seagal is the number 1 pick for worst Saturday Night Live according to show's creator, Lorne Michaels. Seagal demanded that the cast perform sketches that Seagal himself had written rather than the material they already had. One of these masterful ideas, according to cast member Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself.

>Seagal is known to have a poor way with the women. In addition to the McCarthy incident, he also demanded sexual favors from Ray Charles' granddaughter Blair Robinson in exchange for a job, was accused to sexual assault by his ex-assistant Kayden Nguyen, drove his ex-wife Kelly LeBrock into hiding after their "ugly" divorce in 1994, and is said keep two Russian attendants who must be ready to service him at all times.

>Seagal is known to make wild, unverifiable claims about his admitedly murky past. He claims to be of Italian descent, although his mother has stated he's Jewish and Irish. He also insists being a direct apprentice of Aikido founder Morihei Ueshiba, who died in Japan in 1968, when Seagal was only 13-14. Speaking of Japan, Seagal insists that he trained CIA agents stationed there due to his "flawless martian arts and language skills", and even did "special works and special favors" for the U.S. government in the land of the rising Sun.

>Seagal also claims to have trained numerous UFC world champions including Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida, fought the Yakuza with the help of the American mafia, being one of the world's foremost experts on swords and regularly retained by auction houses for authentification purposes, and being the reincarnation (tulku) of Tibetan treasure revealer Chungdrag Dorje, which would make him as a holy man in Buddhist culture.

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>said keep two Russian attendants who must be ready to service him at all times
based

why was JCVD blacklisted?

>One of these masterful ideas, according to cast member Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself.
fucking great comedy if im being honest

Good Thread. Always funny to read about him. I'm pretty sure he is tracking your ip address with his hacking skills.

Too much coke, not enough hits.

Imagine your whole career is the result of 2 jews making a bet on you.

sounds like he could be Americas next president.

>flawless martian arts
Hol up!

>make millions
>bang prime LeBrock
Yea, must suck.

imagine your whole career is about being 18-28 and looking good.

I'm just going to throw this out there for anyone who is interested: you can mock Seagal for his ludicrous claims and rightly so, but he did train with very senior Aikido masters in the early days of the introduction of Aikido to the US. He certainly was not a "student" of O-Sensei but he did verifiably train directly with Ueshiba's disciples e.g. Tohei, maybe Terry Dobson It's not inconceivable he might at least have been to a seminar or demo of O-Sensei's as a teenager

He also had the most Kino energy drink of all time.

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>He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."
Damn, effin based.

>Asian Experience

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Lol

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>"Who wrote it?" Seagal didn't miss a beat. "I did."
Me personally, I love this guy.

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I knew a guy who loved this shit because it tasted different every time. He couldn't understand that using 10000 different sourcing methods for your canned bullshit might be a bad sign.

My sources have told me Seagal's martial arts are in fact legit and technique sound, or at least they were at one point before he began resting on his laurels. He's kind of a mess now unfortunately.

>while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself.
Has Seagal ever worked with Larry David?

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Don’t forget he was fucking Erika Elenak irl also

I bought 1 of each flavor. The cherry one tasted like drinking a can of olive juice and piss. The other one I gave to my dad as a joke. He reached for a beer and accidentally grabbed and opened it and said it was the worst thing he's ever tasted. I wish I'd bought more. Too bad they never released the "root beer" flavor.

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So what you're saying is is that he did nothing wrong? Cool

>Aikido
>Legit

Ok bro

It sounds like Lynchian kino

>"off-camera nudity."
i am ded

>During a party at Sylvester Stallone's house in the 1996, Seagal once again ran his mouth, this time about being able to beat up Jean-Claude Van Damme, not knowing that Van Damme was also at the party.

Sounds like a balla ass party

jesus FUCKING christ im dying

>He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

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Why would he want to become Russian?

based Yea Forumsie memer

Tax evasion

this doesn't seem like bait so

>Aikido
this isn't a useful martial art. it's barely a martial art at all.

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>"off-camera nudity."

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I used to hoard this shit, haha. I think I still have a can or two on display in my old room at my parents house.

Asian Experience was by far the better flavor.

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Is he legit autistic?

Yea Forums is not the place for a lengthy discussion of the merits of different martial arts but:
- nobody says that jujutsu isn't a useful martial art
- aikido techniques are just a subset of jujutsu techniques
- all the techniques "work" if you do them correctly e.g. if you can get a good yonkyo grip on someone's wrist it will cause excruciating pain without causing any physical damage
- none of the techniques "just work", you have to be skilled enough to get into the position to use them in the first place
- a good aikido style / school will teach this positioning as #1 priority
- aikido is designed for control, restraint and escapology, it's not for cage fighting. it's useful for let's say cops, prison guards etc

Nah he's way over-qualified

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How has there not been an Electric Boogaloo: The Story of Cannon Films-style documentary about Steven Seagal's life?

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How do you stop him?

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No mention of his music career? Little disappointing, but still interesting.

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kek what a bitch

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Pretty much. Some of the most useful things I learned from Aikido is the ability to fuck someone over by bending their wrist palm side out. The pain is crippling and can actually bring them to their knees, or knowing how to twist your arm out of someone's grip on your forearms/hands.

Yeah this stuff won't win you cage fights but it definitely has its uses.

I think out of all popular movie action heroes Van Damme would beat everyone but Bruce Lee.

He was offered a contract for three movies at 11$ million dollars each or so. But some other bigshot at the time was getting 20$ million a movie. JCVD, thinking that he was a bigshot himself (when he had only had a couple big movies), that he could gauge 20m$. Of course, he got laughed out of the room, given that he was only a newcomer and the 11m$ already was an extremely generous offer.

In some video or biographic statement, he claims that this was the worst mistake of his life.

Holy shit I hope a consultant didn’t clear this shit...

At least he produced pic related.

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>kayden nguyen

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>"Who wrote it?" Seagal didn't miss a beat. "I did."

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$100 bet on segal being the movie's consultant, lol

Of course they did. And that consultant was ... Steven Seagal

he talked about jews. they who must not be named, apparently.

The more times you watch it the worse it gets

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It's like Time Crisis but your character's such a fat lazy cunt, he doesn't even take cover.

Thread theme song:

youtube.com/watch?v=S_B-q0c3JkQ

THIS MOTHER AIN'T WHITE!

And Chuck Norris....

The Chad Seagal.

>this time for the Serbian government.

Serbia is the ultimate meme country. Remember that time their government bought like 50,000 crossbows because nobody would sell them guns and they were trying to crush rebels?

Hit the fuel tank. Works every time.

Unironically a great scene youtube.com/watch?v=4Zu1YIukylw

>In 2017, actress Portia de Rossi accused Seagal of sexually harassing her during a movie audition. De Rossi alleged that during an audition in Seagal's office, he told her "how important it was to have chemistry off-screen" before unzipping his pants.

lmao

Bruce Lee was a faker. Van Damme would annihilate him.

What was that meme of seagal from 4 years ago

The one where he throws a guy out of a window with 100 edit cuts before the guy hits the ground?

punani?
you guys seen Richie?

>He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

Absolutely fucking based.

snatch punani

Seagal is literally 'that kid' from middle school who never grew up. It's amazing. Have you seen his akido shows? It's literally kiai master tier

Wtf need a source on this nigga.

Love how all his bad guys rush to get within melee range, despite carrying guns.

>"flawless martian arts and language skills"

Seagull confirmed for an alien

Snatch... every mother.... fucker.... birthday

seagal is a god. Total self confidence while also being a total fraud, the epitome of America and "thats bullshit but i believe it".

DEY TOOK ER

is this kino?

Adam Jensen really put on some weight

Van damme was,a fkin gymnast nothing more lol...

There is no source, although they did buy some crosswords from Brits to use against Albanians.
Also, Seagal has a Serbian passport, but he never made a movie for them.

Am I the only one who watched Lawman?

Shit was kino. I hope someone can find the katana episode and the Chinese medicine one

youtube.com/watch?v=YYAWgbsOX1k

youtube.com/watch?v=MmEx8Moy7ro

steven segal is literally an asian, has mongolian ancestry.

>>Seagal is known to make wild, unverifiable claims about his admitedly murky past, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise only the genius possess and the insane lament.

In a recent video, he said that. "The world needs Trump."
He was redpilled long before it was cool

based

Of the highest caliber.

used to be copypasta about Seagal trolling DMX racially and DMX taking a crap on his guitar as payback.

Man I miss web 1.0.

Dolph Lundgren would wreck them all

youtube.com/watch?v=jNDoNTU7fRE

HAS ANYONE SEEN CHICKENS??

Who is DMX?

>all these summer children who have never seen this pasta

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d-damn he's good!

THIS IS A REAL COMPETITION SEAGAL FAGS

youtube.com/watch?v=x0pnfzVESWw

face looks like a fucking sex doll

van damme had no real fighting experience. he's worked with legit fighters like rob kaman and others and they all said when asked that "he's good for movies but not a real fighter" and that he shouldn't try it.

>"Let me tell you something that might be a bit dangerous. I was raised in Japan. I was schooled in martial arts. I was given the title of master. They take a movie “The Last Samurai.” They have a 5-foot-2-inch little guy, whether he was straight or gay, I don’t know. I don’t care. He had never been to Japan. He doesn’t speak Japanese. He has never held a sword. They make him the Last Samurai. We got 450,000 phone calls [laughs] from everybody in the world saying, “That role was perfect for you. How did that happen?” Most of the people I know didn’t like the film and didn’t go see it. It’s just a classic example of Hollywood and the politics."

Imagine you're a moderately fit young man

Putin kidnaps your family and forces you to job for a fat fraud

>meme karate
>zero footage of him actually landing anything
you're like that retard who still thinks kung fu masters dont just go in and beat everyone in MMA because their techniques are too dangerous

dennis alexio said the same thing and that he was flexible but had no power

Does anyone remember that scene where he's showing off his guns and his line delivery is even duller than normal? I can't remember what movie it's from.

Is this a Donald Trump tweet?

Yeah, yeah...but you didn’t answer the most important question...anyone seen Richie?

>5-foot-2

Damn, The Cruise is actually 5'7", but when you're a giga chad like Sensei Seagal (6'4"), everyone's a midget

fantastic cgi blood

>He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

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>. Seagal demanded that the cast perform sketches that Seagal himself had written rather than the material they already had. One of these masterful ideas, according to cast member Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself.


this is better than orange man bad.

>van damme had no real fighting experience
imagine being this wrong

why was van damme black listed from Hollywood?

for this

youtube.com/watch?v=CE8XKeN0zk4

Hollyjew's answer? He'd injure his stuntmen and show up high as shit
Real answer? He asked them to start paying him a fair wage for his work. Van Damme probably worked harder than anyone in Hollywood, he was likable, talented, fucked primo pussy, but because he got his start in low budget films the kikes never took him seriously and refused to let him break through

>i think alphabet soup regional meme karate tournaments is real fighting
sorry to ruin the fantasy kid but it's time to grow up

he literally admitted to being a coke maniac who constantly fucked productions up you schizo

and this

youtube.com/watch?v=h1mqHPjvHVU

the entire industry except for a few old timers is basically exactly this. not just ejews, but... the guy who made the bet that anyone can be famous if marketed is correct. it doesn't take talent, it takes the entertainment industry to indoctrinate you into that and people ,the sheep they are, will just accept and eat whats given to them.talent is complete bullshit. if someone entertains you or you think its special, just be content because it most likely wasn't designed that way.

motherfucker birthday

wether he was straight or gay, I don't know.

ahaha

>u-um yeah so he could kick my ass and the ass of everyone on this board but he's not actually talented because there are a few people that fight better then him out there
kys Steven

>. Van Damme, at the height of his cocaine addiction and nurturing a lot of rage over being blacklisted from major Hollywood pictures
why was he blacklisted?

see

read above posts.

>In an interview with Huffpost Live, Tom Arnold claimed that Steven Seagal fell into the water while filming a scene for EXIT WOUNDS on his character's houseboat: Seagal had opted to shoot the scene without rehearsal and mistakenly exited through the wrong door, leading him to drop into the bay. He had to be pulled out by the crew.
That is some looney tunes shit

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youtube.com/watch?v=NzXPmGSrNns

what was some of the primo pussy that van damme and Seagal have confirmed fucked. also pictures most welcome!

not sure, but I think it's the one where he plays an archeologist
kino through and through

I don't quite believe Seagal has had sex before but check Van Damme's fucked just about every bitch worth dicking

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>Birthdays: Snatched

he wasn't blacklisted, he failed to get a contract and went back to making straight to videos. he worked.

read the thread retard

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>Oh my god he's got the Halo 1 pistol

I mean wheres the confirmation he banged kylie.

>van damme had no real fighting experience

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Seagal banged prime Lebrock

She was basically Angelina Jolie

This is the only recording of Bruce Lee being in a real fight and crushing his opponent who apparently was a great martial artist himself.

youtube.com/watch?v=ky8iCpqTCzs

prove otherwise

H-HE'S FAST

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en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude_Van_Damme

bruce lee actually trained seriously with boxers, wrestlers, judokas, kickboxers etc. even if he doesnt have a track record of official fights he had real training and experience and his trainers spoke highly of him. the lead leg high kick he shows in that video is seriously impressive.

van damme did some meme karate against absolute nobodies back in europe and that's it. when he trained with legit kickboxers they all said he didn't have what it takes.

im not even a bruce lee fan and think the cult around him is retarded.

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Van Damme got beat up by his bodyguard

Is this an episode of Decker?

youtu.be/zA-EqQhF_9o?t=177

>only sources are for non-contact and semi-contact meme karate
>zero footage of him in a real fight

Oh wow, I thought it was John Kricfalusi who came up with that idea for the He-Hog pitch animation.

Im just going to throw this out there for anyone who is interested: you can mock Aikido for its ludicrous claims and rightly so

youtube.com/watch?v=ibJaIHThz1k

youtube.com/watch?v=73A_HB5k--M

why does a Steven Seagal thread get so many posts? I've never seen one of his movies, I've only seen the webms of him being fat and mishandling weapons.

Van Damme was beat up by his bodyguard. He was a gymnast who was in great shape, had charisma, and was attractive. He was not, however, a fighter

So effortless, it's amazing

EASY

> I've never seen one of his movies
Zoomers get out

youtube.com/watch?v=cfNW1ERej0A

Does he have a fucking back brace or something?

do you know how many movies he has? can you comprehend what kind of fandom even the worst possible movies will generate with that much exposure?

"or something" It's a girdle

I love how he can't be bothered to even pretend like he's not old fat and tired of life. He's just like, fuck you, you'll watch it.

bullshit. Aikido doesnt spar. Their version of sparring is unrealistic, limited, and highly controlled. This is not even debatable.

Thanks user, but I am disgusted thinking about how sweaty that thing must be after a few takes

>never seen any of his movies
Memes aside, Under Siege, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death and Out for Justice are all pretty entertaining action films

Executive Decision too.

no your shit before you spread rumors. Van Damme was a karate tournament fighter and also trained some ballet

karate is ballet
kick boxing however is real

You fuck that was a sparring demonstration and that was his student.
There is no fight footage of Bruce Lee. The only recorded fight record he had was a high school boxing tournament in won in Hong Kong.

Go to a Kyokushinkai dojo and tell them its ballet

I have only seen Under Siege and I showed it to a buddy of mine and he really liked it. His birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of getting him another Seagal movie, where should I go from here? I'm looking for something just as ridiculous.

Unironically this. Thanks to the memes people forget that Chuck was a world class fighter once upon a time.

Karate has some merit even at a competitive level

shit like Kung Fu, Aikido, and Taekwondo are useless

Ticker
imdb.com/title/tt0196158/
youtube.com/watch?v=9hSmU8g13JQ

It's one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It's amazing

youtube.com/watch?v=bNC739HZAYg

>benching the bar
>girl dumbbells

I fucking love Seagal

I'm 27 years old. There's no reason why I would ever watch a Seagal movie now. There's no particular reason why I would've seen them before.

does this make sense in the context of the scene or film?

>t. didn't have a father

I'm not American. My dad did talk a lot about his VHS recordings of Tarkovski movies but we never watched any of them...
While your dad was showing you Seagal movies, mine was busy showing Kubrick and Polanski
*steps back into the shadows*

its probably the best script he ever read.

>Young Jenny McCarthy auditioned to play Seagal's nice in UNDER SIEGE 2. Seagal asked her to take off her dress for the audition. When she saw the script, she realized that the film didn’t call for any nudity, and called Seagal out on it. He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

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OP is missing some of the best seagal archs. His music career and when he was a reality TV policeman and killed a man's dog for no reason. Also the "this mutha ain't white" saga.

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Not that user but I have to say your dad sounds like a huge fag

my favorite seagal story

youtube.com/watch?v=5cUNU8GkMso

Does that mean that Hiegl did off-camera nudity?

>karate
>a martial art that's all about hitting people so hard they die
>not effective
It's not as versatile as other arts but believe it or not breaking someone's bones works.

Jesus it's like real life Keanu pasta. wait a minute, this is what inspired Keanu pasta in the first place, right?

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my penis belongs there

i dunno, back in the day karate men couldn't really spar or full-contact compete. That was literally ballet.

>"full contact" martial art
>with no punches to the face
LMAO

he's a motherfucker. Had a girlfriend in Thailand and spoke to her on the phone in the house. What the fuck? I can hear him, and I understand English. He was crying and pleading with her, mentioning how much money he sent to her. And we were fucking poor too, as poor as you can be in a Nordic country. He was a construction worker.
Just embarrassing, now that we're both adults. I'm supposed to have a normal relationship with him now, since this stuff has never been mentioned? I remember him beating mom too when I was really young. Thanks for reading my blog.

Did you even train today user? Do you even train at all?

ive been doing muay thai off an on for the better part of a decade. what's your point? there are some tough kyokushin guys but the art is bad and it's not even really karate. the fact that kyokushin as a very modern phenomenon invented by a korean guy gets trotted out to defend karate's honor just makes your side of the conversation even more laughable.

>uhhh yeah 99% of karate styles, including the oldest and most firmly established ones are fucking useless, but this very recent thing invented by a korean immigrant which doesn't even allow punches to the head is kinda, sorta legit if you squint hard enough
also i wasnt the guy calling it ballet, but yeah, outside of kyokushin and some meme offshoots it's about as useful as ballet for actual fighting.
inb4: blah blah lyoto machida, gsp did karate in middle school

ok, Steve

So you didnt train today and youre currently not training...got it.

come to sidyodtong in somerville and do a few rounds you little bitch

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can I get your autograph first?

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just show up bud

D R O P P E D
R
O
P
P
E
D

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holy shit you can put "steven seagal is" in front of any of these and the title still makes sense
I bet OP has a movie called "a faggot"

Sure thing..booking my ticket now

And chuck norris. He was a professional fighter for a while. Bare fisted karate. Only rules were no kicks to the face or groin.

In all seriousness I know a minor league actor who worked with Seagal on a movie. He said Seagal was a bit crazy. He said Segal wanted to use real guns during scenes and wanted them to be loaded, that by the threat being real the acting would be more real. My friend almost walked off the set. He said Seagal is fucking reckless.

100% true story.

This, Driven to Kill and Urban Justice are the only past Exit Wounds movies from him worth watching.
Title is Into the Sun and it was shot with a cinema release in mind which is why Seagal actually gave a fuck during filming. It is also a very beautiful shot movie through and through.

Would unironically recommend.

This is legit the only thing I've ever seen him do competently

Another rule was no homosexuals. It was a different time back then.

>why does a Steven Seagal thread get so many posts?

Because Steven Seagal is such a ridiculous character and there's so many stories about him that are fun to laugh at. Not to mention he's so fat now yet still makes shitty Z-list action movies where he's an action hero is hilarious.

who was this other bigshot?

based

youtube.com/watch?v=Rl1aotzFZRw

>>During a party at Sylvester Stallone's house in the 1996, Seagal once again ran his mouth, this time about being able to beat up Jean-Claude Van Damme, not knowing that Van Damme was also at the party. Van Damme, at the height of his cocaine addiction and nurturing a lot of rage over being blacklisted from major Hollywood pictures, challenged Seagal to settle the score with a one-on-one fight, but Seagal bailed, claiming it wouldn't be honorable. Seagal left for another party, but Van Damme followed him there and later to a nightclub fishing for a fight before Seagal finally managed to evade him.
kino adaptation WHEN?

Based user.
I checked the whole thread just to see if someone posted this masterpiece and found 0 results.

Have some kino

youtu.be/2dakhzl2SBQ

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EZ

Yeah it seems believable that when he was much younger he was decent about fighting. It does all look pretty fucking silly though when you see how out of shape he is now, especially in comparison to other action movie stars from his era like Jean Claude Van Damme who looks fucking amazing while also being very legitimate in his fighting abilities.

I'm sure there's probably a number of silly stories about other action movie stars or actors in general, but Seagal looks all the worse for just appearing pompous while most actors realize their popularity depends on being in the good graces of audiences. Shia Lebouf made the same mistake and started treating audiences like shit and now is just a joke on about the same tier.

in context this was just after he had woken up from a 7 year coma. one afternoon's worth of montage and he's back in tip top "shape"

The only people I recall being in the 20 million club at the time were the likes of Harrison Ford and Micheal Douglas.

I like Terry Dobson's comic art

>Young Jenny McCarthy auditioned to play Seagal's nice in UNDER SIEGE 2. Seagal asked her to take off her dress for the audition. When she saw the script, she realized that the film didn’t call for any nudity, and called Seagal out on it. He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

Than an absolute legend.

Holy shit is Seagalposting back? God I wish!

one of my favorite webms

>you'll never party with Stallone and the guys at the height of their time
>you'll never party with Dennis Rodman and the guys and gangbang prime Madonna
Why even live

Under Siege 2: Now even Sieger

But no joke the ultimate Seagal movies:
Belly of the beast
Into the Sun
Out for a Kill
Flight of Fury
Above the Law
Hard to Kill

I am Seagal's biggest fan and will watch everything he makes.

>nobody postes this masterpiece yet

youtube.com/watch?v=2b5bG8Rcpxo

Is it said to this day that scholars haven't truly deciphered the meaning of the lines spoken yet.

lmao sauce?

Who dis?

Are you fucking kidding me with this dude

Jean Claudette Van Damme, after sex change.

A Damme to die for.

only just realized hes shooting it left handed lmao

wh'happen

he almost breaks that dudes wrist so many times, you can tell he wants to.

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I think of Under Siege as a Tommy Lee Jones film rather than a Steven Seagal film.

youtube.com/watch?v=yxloUBCYuFM

What did he absolutely mean by this?

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A perfect summary of Seagal right there.

fatass ex: sushi revolution

Your pic reminded me of this
youtube.com/watch?v=2dvGpkqpUeg

he was a jew.

This copypasta always leaves out the part where Tom Arnold said when they hauled Seagal's fat ass out of the water, all this black stuff was running down his face from his spray on hairline.

DEY TOOK HER

>EPIC G

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>One of these masterful ideas, according to cast member Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself.

hecka fricken based

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He had impressive athleticism though.

This shit is ingenious.
youtube.com/watch?v=1X9RvuSuU_Y

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>that's no way to treat a lady!
Croccy D deserved to die for misgendering.

>>Young Jenny McCarthy auditioned to play Seagal's nice in UNDER SIEGE 2. Seagal asked her to take off her dress for the audition. When she saw the script, she realized that the film didn’t call for any nudity, and called Seagal out on it. He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."
Holy based

I'm convinced he was trying to remember this scene and forgot, he's such a fucking bullshitter.
youtube.com/watch?v=bXAxBnQuHwI

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Sorry this one
youtube.com/watch?v=4T14Z_wX8rU

>“He says, ‘I know you must have a beautiful body underneath there. Can you lower it so I can see your breasts?'” she said. “I paused, I looked up at him, went from shocked to sadness. My eyes filled with water and I yelled, ‘Go buy my Playboy video — it’s on sale for $19.99’ and [I] just took off.”
What an incredible happening.

>the boys never even try to attack him properly
>one is waiting for the other to be handled and then rush in like in some fucking bud spencer and terrence hill comedy
>half of the time you don't even see his whole body
>gives the attackers directions on where to attack him so he don't even have to try to evaluate the situation when it's happening
am i supposed to be impressed?

he was caught with an uderage girl

ancient but belongs here

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Thats the least impressive training montage i ever saw

Don’t forget Gary Busey in drag

I'm fucking dying over here

he's impressed with himself

Arnie and Stalone were more the types that would compete with JCVD

Anyone got the video of Seagal with a table full of 1911s, and mumbling about each one?

More like
>t. Didn't have hispanic grandparents
Mine had like every direct to dvd movie him and Van Damme have ever done up until like 2005

>not the one from Rob Schneider about Seagal becoming a Buddhist deity because of his donations to the Dalai Lama

Why isn't this a real movie? The martial arts genre could do with a resurgence.

I went to a karate school in the 90s were the guy said he knew Steven. Said he was completely fake and an asshole.

>YOU RUN THE PUNANI

It was Jim Carey.

Van Damme told the story on his reality show which showed on ITV2 in the UK. Look it up, kino viewing

I was really hoping he’d get his ass beat

Are any of these true or are they just copypastas?

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jcvd is to pure for Hollywood anyway

its a pastiche of various reports.

The part about Jenny McCarthy is true
The part about Gene LaBell is true
Given Seagal's character, you might as well assume everything is true.

So when exactly did Seagal quit caring about his fight scenes looking good?

they only have to look good to him, his delusion of own image has grown.

He never cared, all that mattered was that he had to look better than everyone else on screen. Nothing could even pose a real challenge.

They were always silly-looking slap fights with the odd elbow snapping thrown in for the money shot.

He got jewed like Austin St. John.

he's basically the irl gorilla warfare pasta

Didn't Van Damme at some point name the Jew or something? I can't find the clip

Why hasn't Steven Seagal been #metoo'd yet?

Can anyone from /k/ confirm that this is the way to hold that gun?

he's immune because he always struck out

Mike Tyson beat him in one of his movies though.

it is definitely the wrong way to hold a rifle

Nothing in that webm is the way to do anything.
Also, is he riding a segway or something? Look at his movement...

It was filmed as a draw because both actors wanted to win the fight.
The final knockout punch isn't Steven, they replace him in that last shot of the fight.

Rest of the movie is ridiculous, they had to film it in order because it is the only Mike Tyson could be in character.

Worth watching to see Mike Tyson say hello in the tank.

youtube.com/watch?v=JrFO7Mj84hQ

His niece in Under Siege 2 was played by Katherine Heigl who would only have been like 16, I think the character was supposed to be younger

how old was Jenny McCarthy at the time?

sounds like it was post-playboy mccarthy.

That's why she's hot.

Protected by Putin, same reason you don't see any Russian oligarchs getting punished for their dealings, until they lose favour with Moscow.

>Seagal vs Van Damme
This would have been lulsy. Seagal would lose so horribly bad.

Take your gatekeeping elsewhere you insufferable twat

>gatekeeping
lurk moar, kiddo.

think its from the newer one with Mike Tyson in it

>gatekeeping
Try to make it less obvious that you don't belong here sweetie

absolutely based

this webm is even better with sound. There is an unironical eagle's scream right as he strikes with the blade

It is the wrong way for mere plebs, Seagal is a certified CIA instructor and 10th Dan Gunfu sensei.

Friendly reminder that this is how bald eagles really sound. youtube.com/watch?v=48vn7Q0W1Ls
Much like Seagal.

Reminds me of this.

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>300+ replies and the best story isnt even posted

>I came up in Detroit and there was a lot of blues. I didn't learn blues from a [expletive] record; I learned it from the front porch. There were all these people from Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas and I learned from them. You won't see many white people who play what I play with my fingers. I never used a pick in my life.

>One time I was playing at B.B. King's in Memphis and B.B. and Little Milton came in. Little Milton hadn't heard me play before. I was doing this Lightnin' Hopkins thing. Milton looked at me and nodded, then told B.B. "This mutha ain't white."

>I started playing the guitar in Detroit in the ’50s and I was in an all-black band.
>Born 1952, white(?)

jesus FUCKING christ thats awful,that probably explains why in every one of his newer movies in the past decade he tries to act like some fat stereotypical black bouncer. holy shit

most memeable character in a century and he only has one meme. What a fucking meme dude.

Please tell me this is real, in dyin

Here's that infinity I was tellin' you about.

Pretty sure seagal came up with the Navy seal copypasta

All the while being a direct student of the Aikido founder in Japan. This man is truly amazing.

So for everyone saying Seagal is based, etc. What % of that is serious?

Like, if Seagal ran for President in 2024, would you vote for him?

They need to get closer so his fat ass can grab em or else he won't be able to catch anyone

was completely memorized by steven's stupid black barrel whale physique i didnt even notice that,makes this clip 10x more funny

>fought Yakuza with the help of the American Mafia
How high would you have to be to believe this shit

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>According to Mr. Seagal, he’s a former Navy SEAL. It’s unclear where the Stout Sensei served, could it have been in Vietnam? Wait, no, that was when he was serving with the CIA. Anyhow, Seagal had been telling former business partner and ex-soldier Gary Goldman that he’d been a Frogman. Goldman was suspicious. Then one day, when pal Randy Widner invited both out to dive for treasure, Goldman’s suspicions only grew more.

>As he relayed: “Randy was driving [a Zodiac raft] in circles while Steven and I carried the gear out to him. The surf was unbelievable, really tough… He started screaming and panicking and was sure he was going to die and all that crap. Wildner had to pull Seagal by his hair; I pushed his ass onto the boat with my shoulder.” That night Goldman realised that Seagal could not read a compass nor a map. He then concludd that Seagal “would surely die of starvation if he was given a compass and a map that led to a restaurant five miles away.”