Sir, there's no trace of him anywhere

>you're a loose cannon
>hand over your badge
>and your other badge

>here's the file on him
>this is empty
>exactly. It's been deemed classified. No trace of him. No Facebook, no Instagram, no record of him ever paying taxes

lol

>What, you're saying he has no social media presence at all? Not even Linkedin?
>No, sir. Nothing at all. Phone only gets used for confirming delivery orders
>Impossible. He has to be messing with us. How can he have a job without Linkedin?
>Sir, he does not have a job
>This just keeps on getting stranger and stranger... This guy is dangerous, we need a different approach. He's messing with us and I don't like it one bit

>Sir, you won't believe this.
>What now detective?
>He... He ordered a pizza without stuttering.
>Get the President on the line, we've got a national emergency

>we checked the logs on your computer
>if they're to be believed you were active on it from 9:15 to 23:30.
>That's 14 hours on the computer
>now why don't I believe that? The kind of damage this would do to a person's eyes or spine would be irreparable. You really expect me to believe someone would do that to themselves? The logs are obviously forged.
>What were you doing you miserable piece of shit?

>We're detecting a huge thermal mass in the basement
>What the hell?
>He must be keeping some kind of large animal down there

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>methane levels must be off the chart
>bring in our brapologist, they need to see this

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SHUT THE CHUCK UP.

>Have you decrypted his browsing history yet?
>Yes, sir, but it gives us nothing.
>What? This guy's using internet at least 19 hours a day. You have to have something!
>It's just this image forum about Chinese cartoons and... Oh my god!
>What is it?
>The porn! Just look at those sites, sir! It's all about femdom, shemales, cuckoldry, and interracial.
>(Detective looks closer at the monitor)
>We're not so different, you and I.

>femdom, shemales
Hits a little too close to home...

>Sir, we've checked the call logs. The only ingoings and outgoings is for someone named "Mom"
>Backtrace the number, let's find out who this "Mom" really is.

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>Fuck you, detective.

SUCK THE CHUCK FUCK

>no credit score?
>sir... not even any employment history.
>we don't believe he...we don't believe he has ever paid taxes

>We're losing him, sir, he must've activated the VPN!
>What?! Quick, give me a visual on him.
>W-we're getting nothing, sir! There appears to be duct tape over his laptop camera.
>Can you at least track him down through phone geolocation?
>S-sir, he has a Nokia 3310.
>That sonuvabitch thought of everything, huh.

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>Nokia 3310
Literally me.

>Where's the girl, user?
>G-girl? What are you talking about? I've never even dated a gi-
>Don't you fucking play dumb, user! Did you really expect us not to search your flat? Five pairs of stockings, two skirts and a lingerie. Where is she, user?

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>so you "accidentally" said "you too" to the cashier at Wendy's after she told you to enjoy your meal
>like hell I'm buying that, nobody could be that stupid
>now tell me who's your dealer and what that code word was for

>where's the child user?
>what child?
>don't lie, you bought some lego-sets the last months, some even more than once

Bump

Sneed

This one hurts user

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>Sir, it seems the suspect shares his twisted fantasies about actress "Emma Roberts" verbally and physically humiliating them with others online
>Jesus, what kind of sick fuck are we dealing with here?
>That's not even the worst of it chief, look at these posts about her feet
>[Officer suddenly vomits],[Woman gasps and cries on another's shoulders]

>How in the world does that bastard get rid of all the evidence by himself?
>Sir, I believe he did mention some "janitor" doing clean up jobs for him free of charge...
>He does it for free? Boys, I'm starting to think we're after someone way bigger than we first anticipated.

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>by God, how many people are using this computer to access this forum. One minute they're straight, another minute there's a homosexual posting. Then we have someone that's a racist, followed up by someone posting about w*itoids. Then someone else responds to a post saying 'based' followed a couple of minutes later by someone else responding to that post with 'cringe'. H-how the hell are all these people accessing this machine????

>heh, video games 'just to relax' huh?
>now be honest: you expect me to believe you're 'just relaxing' 12 hours a day? C'mon man, help yourself
>who are you really talking to when you hop online?

Hand over the (you)'s and nobody gets hurt

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literally me
just mix in btw im a girl

>Oh my God...
>What is it Gutierrez?
>Sir, he...
>Spill it out lieutenant!
>He keeps writing elaborate death threats about that actor, Warwick Davis

SNEED THE CHUCK SUCK

>He keeps posting anti-american images even though he's american!
>What's his angle? Terrorism? Foreign agent?
>We don't know sir, he keeps mentioning something about 56%

I usually just do whatever makes me a contrarian.

>>He keeps writing elaborate death threats about that actor, Warwick Davis

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>Vichowski search for S11E5
>On it chief, it appears to be a reference to the Simpson's episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)"
>Then who's this "sneed"
>A one off joke character sir, he owns a feed and seed store that used to be called... chucks fuck and suck
>Call the DHS, we've got a sex trafficker on our hands

>Sir! I believe they're using coded language to communicate.
>They keep mentioning the numbers 13 and 50, and posting about something called a KANG.
>What could it all mean...

>We pulled up his classmates' yearbooks to find a photo of the suspect...
>And...?
>They claim he had refused to participate in photographing.
>Did this maniac plan it all since childhood?

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>so they get together every day and talk about movies, television, stuff like that, right?
>but chief, that's just the cover. In reality? Major political and social unrest. These guys are Antifa on steroids.
>It's even to the point they project their political beliefs into movies. Like if that one elf guy from Lord of the Rings had destroyed the ring... madness

Literally me.

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>Bane, the joker, hell even adolf hitler
>You name a criminal, they support em
>Common topics include crashing planes, vandalizing movie theaters, and wanting to kill warwick davis

>Lieutenant, look at this shit.
>What is it?
>Look at these neo-Nazi slurs he's spouting. We've got ourselves a goddamn skinhead to catch.
>Hold your horses, son. He's just quoting the trailer for Spider-Man 4.

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the most unfunny meme on Yea Forums

>look, sir, droids

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>Sir
>He is like a ghost. No gf, no sex, didn't leave room since we planted bugs
>It's like he doesn't exist

>mfw everyone here will be suspect number 1 if investigated by a crime

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>It looks like he does have one contact sir
>A paid contact half-way around the world, he wires them money to pretend to be his girlfriend
>No one could be that pathetic, there's gotta be more to this

Formerly funny

>investigated by a crime

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delet

SUCK THE FUCK CHUCK

SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED SNEED

>Sir, it seems that Bane has lost his influence now they're working for a mysterious figure named Sneed
>Sneed?
>Formeely Chuck's!
>What did you say Johnson?
>n-nothing sir

>Sir we've been backtracing his online movements
>it seems Mon-Thurs are his most active days
>we're trying to get more information on his possible money laundering scheme
>>what do you mean Agent user?
>well sir, on those days he is using a service called paypal to inject large monetary transactions to a persona on something called "twitch"
>we believe this to be a shadow partner in a very large, global scam for taking money in the pretense of gaining friendship. it's not new sir. they then launder the money to place back into something called chaterbate and grindr.

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My mom and my dad are my main contacts in my phone but I have their numbers saved under their real names, not "mom" and "dad"

I do this too but also IRL

Oh no please don't rape me mister

>no facebook, twitter, instagram, or any social media presence, not even a reddit account
>this guys is like a ghost

>meme phone
Stay on r*ddit

>a thing is thrown up to space and dropped back to Earth
>on the drop the thing has friction with atmosphere and it makes the thing red hot
how come the thing wasn't red hot on its way up?? I have seen this 4 times at least

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That's because the air density decreases as you go higher, retard.

>he had over 4000 hours of log time in this website alone last year
>now obviously this is some proxy method to cover his real activities