Hi Yea Forums

I like it.

only got 12 pages and this is the least cringe, so I need another filmie to proof read the others. It's a horror-political film. Hell I'll keep Yea Forums update if y'all want, I'm a rookie after all.
Exactly, it has promise. This so called cringey rough script of the first act leads into a bigger story, involving terrorism, corruptions and the supernatural. I'll post the second half if y'all want but I only went over it twice and no filmies have proof read it so it'll be cringe and rough af

I can tell you're a metal gear fan

Laughing out loud. Lots of effort for a shit post in the early afternoon user.

Please find a cinematic entrance for the first episode though, not a crime drama entrance

I am admittedly still hesitant of using the term SCP, but the general premise seems like it could make for an interesting film. Not sure if it's copyrighted, but if it is I'll be changing that aspect.

You could tell? Haha wait until you read the second part I really gotta rewrite it, it's almost plagarism
What do you have in mind?

Fuck it, I'll post the cringey second part that still needs proof reading and is full of plagarism. Yea Forums be brutally honest, outline what's fucking cringy or copyright and I'll sure to change it. SCP isn't the definitive title but I figured I could use existing information and explore the concept. Here's the second part.

CAR EXT. – NIGHT
Iroquois drives down a sub-urban road.

MAJOR TOM:
We’ve found no leads regarding that casing you found, but the police have identified one of the bodies to be the daughter of Mr. Kevin Hayter, a high-ranking politician. We haven’t informed him of your arrival, so it’ll be a surprise visit. You are to question him about last night’s events. From here on out, it’ll be radio silence. Report your findings back to me at HQ tonight.

IROQUOIS:
And here I was thinking that I’d get Friday night off…

MAJOR TOM:
Duty first.

IROQUOIS:
Whatever you say Major… Wilco out.

SUBURBAN HOUSE EXT. – NIGHT
Iroquois knocks on the front door. Kevin Hayter opens the door.

KEVIN HAYTER:
I TOLD YOU LOT NOT TO BOTHER ME OR MY FAMILY UNLES—

IROQUOIS:
Mr. Hayter, I’m special agent Iroquois Pliskin. I’m sorry to disturb you at this hour.

KEVIN HAYTER:
How the hell did you get past security?!
Iroquois shows Kevin his badge.

IROQUOIS:
I have authority from the Federal Government to be here, I have some questions to ask of you and your wife regarding last night.

FADES TO BLACK:
(People sobbing)

Maybe a computer screen in an scp containment zone, classifying a newly captured scp? Idk, just cinematic would be more of your approach

this is better

SARAH HAYTER:
Why did my little girl have to die like that… I loved her so much…

CUTS FROM BLACK:

SUBURBAN HOUSE INT. – NIGHT

IROQUOIS:
I’m sorry for your loss, I truly am.

KEVIN HAYTER:
BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! How dare you come here like some know-it-all hot shot and ask me and my wife about our daughter, just one day after she got murdered!

IROQUOIS:
Look, I get it… I really do… This is all way too sudden… But if you care about your daughter’s memory, then please, help me so that I can help you…

KEVIN HAYTER:
HELP?! How are you going to help me and my wife, let alone our dead daughter?!

IROQUOIS:
By catching the son of the bitch who murdered her.

Kevin breaks down crying.

SARAH HAYTER:
Honey it’s okay…

KEVIN HAYTER:
FINE! I’ll help you… What do you want to know?

IROQUOIS:
Did your daughter have any enemies, or did she associate with anyone who seemed… Off?

KEVIN HAYTER:
NO! Of course not, my daughter was as clean as a whistle and she was a grade A student!

IROQUOIS:
I see… Did you have any enemies Mr. Hayter?

KEVIN HAYTER:
No, of course not!

IROQUOIS:
Not even anyone who seemed a little bit… off?

Kevin pauses for a moment and pours himself a glass of whiskey.

KEVIN HAYTER:
Well… There was this one guy… We worked close together for years but then we had a misunderstanding… His name was Thomas—

Behind Mr. and Mrs. Hayter, a man dressed in muddied camouflage fatigues holding an AK-47 walks in.

IROQUOIS:
GET DOWN!

Iroquois tries to draw his pistol but is too late. The man shoots Iroquois in the chest, fatally wounding him.

IROQUOIS:
Rrruunnn…

FADES TO BLACK:

(Sound of a sudden thud)

Man dressed in camouflage fatigues:
FUC—

(Distorted screaming)

FADES FROM BLACK:

(BLURRED)

Iroquois hazily draws his pistol at a blurred figure.

FADES TO BLACK:

(A child screaming)

CUTS FROM BLACK:

(Sound of machines beeping)

Reminder to nu/tv/ this is what Yea Forums should be

Is this your first time making a film? If so, it won't work since its a little bit ambitious, you could easily fucks up it lots of places. So keep things simple and focus on getting it done instead of adding story creep like politics. I'm betting a whole dollar that you won't get the film done with your current mindset.

For your information, any directors first film will ALWAYS be shit. Its the one unavoidable fact of life.

If you're actually serious I'll give you some criticism:

Your dialogue is very poor. Its completely filled with cliches and has no sense of character to it. Everyone sounds like a cartoon lampooning tropes. It reads like you have interacted with almost no one in your life.

im not reading this lol

DOCTOR:
Can you hear me?

ISHMAEL:
Maj… Major Tom?

DOCTOR:
He’s delirious… Are you having difficulty speaking?

ISHMAEL:
Ugh…

DOCTOR:
What is your name? When were you born?

ISHMAEL:
Iroquois… My name is Iroquois…

The doctor stares at Ishmael.

DOCTOR:
Care to try again?

FADES TO BLACK:

Second part has some parts that make it cringe. Yea Forums fucking go to down with the flaws of the first and second part, I want to perfect this. Althoguh I do know I need to rewrite the second part since it has too many mgs references in it/ I wrote the second part tonight, went over it twice whilst half cut. Tell me if it's shit or not. If it's shit I rewrite, if not I fix.

I like it man but that might be just because I like the media that you're lifting a lot of this story from.

Thanks senpai, any advice to improve the dialogue? First half got proof read, second part didn't.

>cringe
>cringe
>so cringe
youre not nearly as smart or talented as you think. nor is your taste as good as you think if you cant muster real criticism

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your pic related is basically me when my mom comes in my room LOL

Keep the commends coming, and yeah I'm not that bright and I'm a rookie. Kinda serious about this script so I want critism like this. Tell me what's bad tell me what's good and I'll rewrite. If the concept itself is shit I'll stop. I just want brutal criticism to make it perfect.

The benefits of living my oneself. Move out as soon as you can senpai.

Any specific SCP you are modeling the monster after?

what the fuck is SCP

lol

sneed car parts

Super-Sized Cheese Pizza

THIS IS GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM

What kind of creatures are you planning?

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Honestly your dialogue is fanfic tier no one talks to each other that way. During the swat scene there’s too many cuts back and forth try to shorten it also there’s like no directorial notes, you have to paint your scene better, scripts aren’t just lines also if you breach a door with a charge why would you pie it off, you would want your actions to be quick and violent and you should change the characters name they’re bad. Just a few criticisms I can think off maybe take some creative writing classes and keep at it you can get better but as it stands Tommy Wiseau could write a better script

I kinda got a director to back it. If I can somehow perfect this script, it stands a chance. I know and I will probably fuck up in alot of places. I'll take that on board. Thanks alot man,.

>SCPs

Attached: swole left.webm (640x800, 2.38M)

i was actually sorta thinking this

HI. HAVE YOU RETURNED? IS THIS ESPIRITU CACA? THE EDGIEST HORROR MOVIE? WHY DID YOU LEAVE FOR SO LONG? GOT BTFO SO HARD? CACA CACA

An offshoot of pthc
Straight up unoriginal cringe. Go back to Yea Forums kojimadrone. Just as hacky as that westaboo faggot.

Cheers for the feedback senpai, I think I'll definitely need to rewrite the actual script parts. Change the character names...? In which parts and to what? Can you hgihlight where this script is worse than tommy wiseu? first part only got proof read by a filmy once, second part not at all. Be brutal senpai

the premise is admittedly edgy af.

so this Iroquois guy is talking to himself all this time? give him at least voice recorder to make it less awkward
>MAJOR TOM: Loud and clear Iroquois. Your mission hasn’t changed, investigate the area and report your findings. This is most likely the work of a Keter class SCP from a teenage summoning ritual gone wrong. Understood? Over.
kek, i hate it, Major Tom is not actually talking to Irouquis but to audience, completly remove this or at least try to convey personality of Major Tom through it (maybe a joke would fit here?), if not try to start building tension from here, "Iroquis: why am i here boss? briefing was lacking information..."

you wont have money for this, i did a few shorts with friends, the less people scene demands the better, they are swat team so they look almost exactly the same, find one person thats willing to sacrifice afternoon for this, give this guy a mask and by manipulating outfit make him play all the swat team members

so he at first finds 5.56 casing, and then 7.62, is it supposed to be a cliffhanger? dude has found another shell, audience wont care

David bowie ones ;)

Change the parts you ripped off actors and characters of metal gear you inbred dog rapist.
None of that dialogue is good.
None of what you wrote is engaging.

It's all manchild drivel stemming from too much videogames.
It fucking shows and everyone in a theater will laugh.

Dont ever release this to the public.
Its as bad as that source videogame with the ultra edgy story and horrendous gameplay on steam.

You know, that is a fucking great idea. I'm adding it to the script right now. It makes sense and it talks to the audience. In terms of tension, what would you add? I'll be sure to edit it and try to put in some stuff that's conveys tension between the two characters.

I kinda got a studio to back this idea after they read the first half I posted. It still has a long way to go, but they seem to like the idea of a horror-political flick.

With the 7.62, it serves to advance the plot,, which is heavily influenced by mgs. Basically the plot outline I've come with for the beginning of the film is that Major Tom is corrupt af, secretly funds terrorist organisations who use SCPs as weapons of terrorism to further his own agenda. The 7.62 round acts to further the plot

About time someone was brutul. Be more specific so I can fix this clusterfuck of a script

something with some monesters, I dunno

All the names senpai. Major Tom sounds like you’re about to break out into A Space Oddity and Iroquois who is actually named this. I get you must be a big mgs fan but try not to get your inspiration from that. If you want Major Tom to be named that make it Major Tom and then last name but don’t have his subordinates call him major Tom, just call him major, sir, or Major and then his last name. I was being a little facetious about the Wiseau comment just trying to say how your dialogue needs work

Secret Child Porn

I absolutely cannot stand characters leaking expository dialogue while alone for no reason other than to do it. Similar thing with the "your mission hasn't changed: [insert mission description]" trope. Not only is it a lazy exposition trope from every bad action movie (this is katana!), and not only does it not make sense for him to say the mission is the same, but also why would he then re-explain the whole mission. Sure you could think of a reason but if even after being given the reason, your audience gives a reticent and uncomfortable "oh..." then you've fucked up already. Basically when you have characters say shit for the sole purpose of explaining things... the audience isn't nearly as retarded as you think. They'll notice. Humans are remarkably intuitive when it comes to receiving communicative signals.

Roger, I did admittedly name iroquois as a reference to MGS. Dunno what I should rename him too though... Suggestions? Major Tom was a david bowie reference, kinda wanna keep it but if everyone says otherwise I'll need to come up with a new name. Hey man I kinda love the tommy wiseau part, I want brutal honesty. I want to make this thing perfect.

Pliskin? SNAKE PLISKIN?

>KEVIN HAYTER: BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! How dare you come here like some know-it-all hot shot and ask me and my wife about our daughter, just one day after she got murdered!
> just one day after she got murdered!
again talking to audience, how relevant this information is? will it appear later? remove it or: KEVIN HAYTER: Blood of my daughter hasnt dried yet!.

I have no clue why this dude is screaming, shouldnt Hayter be like "yo nigga, who did this? who hurt my child?", police usually wants to help, and this dude goes full aggro

what the fuck is this? it's not a fucking radio, you need to show, not play a sound from offscreen, if you cant do this remove ak47 guy

so the main hero is in hospital, he didnt catch my sympathy at all and you are making me care about him, how about no.

Who is Iroquois talking to?

I see where you're going with this, I like it. So basically don't fuck around with the main point when it comes to dialogue, but be short and specific? I do plan to rewrite these two parts based off this feedback and I'll be sure to post again in a few days with the finished product from this feedback.

I was cringing even after the proof read for the first part. So far, I think I need to cut the military mumbo jumbo from the script, convert it to something that's easily understandable for viewers and to be specific.

He's been playing mgsv and wants hospital shit.

At this point it should be clear it's all derivative of metal gear nonsense.

rate my script please:

HOUSE, INT - NIGHT

(i have my back turned to the camera, a sharply tailored dress shirt with suspenders, I can be seen mixing a drink at the personal bar)

ME: Well, well, well... It seems I have you right where I want you Mr. Davis.

(Warwick Davis is tied to a chair, hes calm but focused)

WARWICK: so you think, Yea Forums.

ME: shhh... I'll let you know when its your turn to speak Mr. Davis.

(I sip my drink and sit down in a chair next to the bar)

(slowly untying my shoes dress shoes) ME: do you know why I brought you here?

WARWICK: enlighten me.

(taking off shoes) ME: truth is Mr. Davis, I find your kind repulsive. (points at WARWICK with shoe)

(brings out steel toed caterpillar boots from under chair) ME: your beady little eyes, stubby little fingers, gigantic disproportionate heads, and worst of all your inflated egos. to think such diseased creatures have the audacity to reproduce. i mean, really mr. davis, look at your children. why would you condemn them to a life of suffering just to fulfill your own misguided desires?

WARWICK: so you're saying i have no quality of life? that i don't deserve to live? why? because i'm a little person?

(tying off boots) ME: little person, dwarf, midget, gnome; it doesn't matter how you brand yourself WARWICK, you are still an abomination. you see that don't you?

(tears in his eyes, clenching his tiny fists) WARWICK: what gives you the fucking right!? to.. to pick and choose who deserves to live and die? i am a good person, i give back to the community! what the fuck do you do!?

(standing up and working into the boots) ME: enough WARWICK, you're not a martyr. you're a midget. you cannot talk your way out of this.

(disgusted) WARWICK: oh fuck off. this is just a charade. you havent got the balls you ignorant little pip! bigot!!

(lining up the shot) ME: steady now, Mr. Davis...

(panicking) WARWICK: okay! okay! please okay wait please!

(stopping and loosening cuff links) ME: hm?

cont.

You got me with pliskin.

I thought I should've cut the agroness, I'll be sure to do that.

Idea was to try to convey the MC fading in and out of conscious since he got shot in the chest and all. But you're right, this part kinda fucking sucks and needs to be reworked.

and with the last point, correct me if I'm totally retarded but I don't want the audience to feel sympathy for him yet. I kinda want the MC to kinda be like an "alien". I want the film to explore the concept of dissociate disorder

As I said, second part wasn't proof read and written half cut. From the feedback it's shit so I need to start again.

This is fucking hilarious

Write a pretty story about sex.

So based off the feedback, I basically need to rewrite this entire script, get rid of the bastardized second part and rewrite the dialogue so it isn't so military sounding since it sounds like an autistic sonic fanfic?

I'll also add the stuff you other guys mentioned like that recording thing, that's fucking brilliant. Anymore criticism, go on. I plan to perfect this thing.

>his second name is pliskin
>mr hayter

IROQUOIS (to himself)
Wonder what's going to happen now...

MAJOR TOM
Iroquois, we've got a lead, the man's name is Mr Metal Gear Solid 2, he's hiding out on Shady Moses Island, just near 'Escape from New York Ave'

IROQUOIS (still to himself)
And here was me thinking my weekend couldn't get worse.

References are nice when only people that also particularly like the thing would get them. I actually don't hate it though, it just needs a hell of fleshing out to make it less generic. Keep it up!

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I’m somewhat familiar with scp stuff, haven’t read many. I have heard that there are some tranny and furry ones, what’s the deal with those? Why are they allowed?

But Yea Forums before I rewrite the entire thing, how's the first act on it's own apart from the military autistic shit? Like the actual concept itself? Many people said they would rather a more theoretical opening. So far I'm thinking an SOCOM detactment from the SCP organisation raids a shack only to find the aftermath, then the story goes from there.

Thoights? Any ideas or criticism would be awesome

Cheers senpai, I appreciate your feedback. What parts do you like and what parts do you absolutely hate? Attention to detail is what I'm after

Shit is a fucking mess that makes no sense. Why are there three swat officers? How does one of them run away and find the teenagers dead bodies? If they didn't know about them, what the fuck are they doing breaching a shack?
You tried to get a bunch of tactical oper8or nerd details but fucked a bunch of them up so it is just cringe.
I've read actual SCP stories that read better than this

WARWICK: money.. I have money. I'll give you whatever you want..

(throws drink on warwick and smashes glass on the floor) ME: CUNT!! despicable little goblin fuck! you think I want money!? the chair you are tied to is worth more than the shoebox you live in.

(spitting drink and catching breath) WARWICK: then what!? what do you want!? please dont do this i have kids please! my wife!

(reaches into back pocket) ME: yes your family, i almost forgot.

(pulls out polaroids)

ME: this is your wife (still of mrs davis walking into house where warwick is now)

(warwick is visibly distressed, wide eyed)

(shuffling through photos) ME: i guess she prefers normal men as well (stills of me and mrs. davis having sex)

(smirking) ME: I made her call me Willow.

WARWICK: motherfucker! (desperately tries to free himself from his binds, thrashing about) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

ME: relax Mr. Davis.. you are embarrassing yourself. that's clear scotch tape i tied you with. I didn't even need duct tape heh.

(reassuming punt position)

ME: and now Mr. Davis, any last words?

WARWICK: I-I- I wa..

(interrupting) ME: Christ, it was rhetorical Warwick. I couldn't give a fuck about your last words. (winding up punt)

WARWICK: no. no. NO! WAI-

(warwick is punted so hard in the head he and the chair fall backwards. a grotesque split welt already formed on his temple. i stand over him stomping his head into the floor over and over. the blood drops splattering my face and white shirt. gripping the bar for support and i stomp over and over and over. i stop and quickly pick up the chair with warwick still tied to it, and scream while slamming it against the wall until the chair splinters into pieces and Warwick falls into a pile on the floor.)

*CUTS TO BLACK*

Nice, you make a good point. I only mentioned 3 but there were mean't to be 4. I kinda cut one out with the flash back scene. The SWAT officer I wrote ran away because he was supposedly scared and knocked down a door to another room of the hack. You make a good point, it's flawed.

Hard to explain, Metokur gives a brief explanation of what it is before talking about the main point of the video, which is the community getting taken over by furfags
youtube.com/watch?v=L-UBfkUVGk4

TOP FUCKING KEK

Newfriend here, has there ever been a "Yea Forums writes a script" thread?

>SCP
beggin ya to have sex.

METAL GEAR?

Podunk middle of nowhere departments still put together teams of like 8-12 guys. A major department will have multiple teams that work together.
It's not that important of a detail, but I only mentioned it because your writing style implied you were trying to lean on the /k/fag realism.

despite the source material its not bad. hamfisted but would watch.

7/10

fucking quality posts

oh fuck really? I'm an oldfag who doesn't have knowledge of current events. I just thought SCP was a good concept to exploit.
Hey man even I find it fucking hilarious lol
Now I'm questioning about using SCPs as the main theme

> and with the last point, correct me if I'm totally retarded but I don't want the audience to feel sympathy for him yet. I kinda want the MC to kinda be like an "alien". I want the film to explore the concept of dissociate disorder
so where is the treatment? if you pitch a film to producer, before writing a script you write a short story about what will occure in a movie, and then on this basis you write a script

>steady now, mr. davis...
10/10

To be serious
Have Iroquois reporting what's going on to Major Tom on a headset so he's not just talking to himself.

Cut the obvious references, you can still be inspired by stuff but you don't need to name every character after it

My advice is read the script out loud to yourself and you'll hear the parts that hit the ear wrong, ie. things people don't say in real life - the main problem is the confrontation between Hayter and Iroquois, people don't talk like that - I did a best man speech a little while ago and reading it out loud made me change so much for the better

As much as I hate correcting you, that isn't the case. Even though my story is bad and autistic, I know my shit with gov departments when it comes to this stuff and joint operations. General rule is a 1:3 ratio, for SOCOM shit it's even lower. A 4 man LEO team dealing with a single threat is standard. But for the story since it's based off supernatural stuff, it's free game.

Funnily enough, I want to write the treatment once I'm actually done the script. My logic is that the script will change so what good is writing a treatment beforehand? Definitely going to do this.

whys that alien taking a shit lol

Random image I googled.
Also, used to work a few /k/ jobs. 1:3 ratio is doctrine, but I see your point. The SWAT team isn't connect to the actual SCP organization, I plan to introduce another SF unit later on in the story. The SWAT team is kinda like a classic horror movie trope of lambs going in for the slaughter, but after re-reading the posts I'm thinking of rewriting the first scene to purely be a theoretical intro of this other unit.

shit, didnt play the game

you wanted feedback, if a character does something weird, we would know how relevant a certain situation was

>Hey guys, we've been able to determine that the family is not inside the house. So, despite there being 12 of us, since there is only one suspect, we are sending 4 of you in.
It doesn't work that way.

1:3 ratio, I can't argue against real world logic. Realistically 3 would be rounded to 4 minimum

What part of
>It doesn't work that way
Do you not understand? The minimum advantage you want isn't a hard limit. If a SWAT team has 12 guys, all 12 guys are participating. Maybe two guys will post up on the rear or sides, but you want as many guns up inside as possible

THIS IS GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM

I hate to sound autistic man, I really do. But how government organizations work in my country, LEO or MIL follow the 1:3 ratio. There's a reason why SF squads consist of a 4 man team minimum. If you're dealing with a small shack like the story, 4 is all that's needed. If you want to be fancy and have an over watch element, you'd employ an 8 man team. If you employed 12 dudes to a location, now you're talking about a quick response team on top of this. But re-reading I think you're right, but not a 12 man team, maybe 6 man max if you included snipers. For a smal building with a team of 4, normally 2 guys would be on opposite ends of the breaching site, while the other 2 would do a clockwise sweep of the building if it's small.

If the building is bigger, like a family-sized house, then yeah you'd need 8-12.

>Been working on a horror film based on SCP
Lol don't care

>clear scotch tape

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And I may be wrong because I just come from a conventional background. I wasn't SF or LEO SOCOM. But to my knowledge, SOCOM units operate at an even lower ratio, like 2:1 ratio. There's a reason why they're special

If we're talking 12 man, we're talking civilian hostile CP. You're right here, it's 12:1 because civi world. MIL and LEO units kinda don't follow this, unless we're talking CP

t. Has never worked in LEO

I was MIL and civi CP, wasn't ever LEO. If you are or were LEO in a tactical unit then please correct me

I'm open to advice. I just thought LEO units worked the same as MIL SF units when it comes to teams and ratios

US might be different though, I only worked with Australasian and European LEO and MIL units. Never worked with US units

not that guy and im not on swat but ive stood by on patrol while watching swat work. ive seen like 20 guys go into a small 2 story house. they enter from different sides if possible, and if not like 1 or two cover the potential exits. everyone goes inside basically.

please write more, user

>don't fuck around with the main point
I mean thats not a generalization but no, my point is basically that, you know why you had all that expository dialogue. It was just to blatantly inform the audience. And as the audience, I could tell.

Yes, you're right here but the team of guys to my knowledge is based on the building size, external civilian elements like protesters and the estimate number of threats. Say if there were 4 potentially hostile threats, 4x3=12 so you'd send 12 guys to clear the building, if there were protesters or just malignant civilians surrounding the property, you'd need another 8 guys, 4 to secure it's perimeter, 4 as a QRF.

>SWAT OFFICER #2:
>AAAARRGGGHHHHH!
Based

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Cheers senpai point taken on board.

as far as i know they just send out a mass text message for single unit jobs and whoever shows up goes in

You count hostages in your muh ratios math? GIGN always rolls in with as big of a fucking stack of guys as they can get so that whenever there is another job to be done they file down
youtube.com/watch?v=weJ9UAofdzw

Dunno what country you're from, but after working in Europe with ex-LEO and in aus with serving LEO, it doesn't worked like that. For police special ops units, they're on constant stand by. It's more like when something goes down, everyone gets a call at an ungodly hour, reports to work and gears up in under an hour and deploys. There's a reason why governments spend up to 500k in training for each operative.

i read all of the user's lines in an evil british voice. well done

same and don't regret it

>country
US

the majority of the swat jobs we have are drug raids. id say over 90% are search warrant drug raids. so everyone gets to show up leisurely, get briefed on the structure and then make entry at a designed hour. the other most are barricaded subjects without hostages. i cant even recall the last time we had an actual hostage situation

It definitely works like that, they post available overtime spots for patrol on some sort of private twitter.

I forgot hostages, I was talking strictly search and destroy. Hostages are tricky, if you already have adequate team members for hostage rescue after clearing the building you'd be fine depending on the building. If the building is huge, add another 2 team members for each hostage. Now I'm talking out of my ass, I only supported SF, I was never SF. LEO drills may be different, but from civi CP experience, you need 2 team members minimum per hostage, that's kinda why civi CP rolls 12 man teams for each VIP

Just a rando tip but:

If you're making an SCP film, the best, and I mean the quintessential BEST villains to have are either SCP-049 or SCP-682

Just my opinion, but its best when you have one that can talk, SCP-682 is just the best of both worlds, can talk and looks fucking terrifying

>This must’ve been where the team breached in.
Why is he talking out loud

>CUTS TO FROM FADE BLACK BLACK BLACK
what
>5.56 casings, this must be the initial point of contact.
Show don't tell. Especially since the next cut shows the swat team firing.
>A tall inhuman like figure decapitates a SWAT Officer with a single swing of its machete.
Already...?

Again why is he describing things you're about to show?

The jumping back and forth between events is nothing new but when done right can be fun.
What's the synopsis?
SCPs are only fun when done in a Lovecraftian way and shrouded in absolute mystery which is easier said than done.

Yuh, my LEO friends say the same. Drug raids are simple compared to hostage rescue as they require less man-power and are often shorter duration. Again, never did drug raids only hearing from LEO buddies.

Overtime? Should of been a cop lol

can you please critique the warwick davis one

Because I'm a rookie. I like your points I'll definitely take them on board.

That must of been a grammar error, again it was only proof read once.

I described things for the civilian audience. Ironically enough, this film is kinda like a pseudo-military bastardized film. But I do agree with you, a picture is worth a 1000 wounds and stating the obvious in script sounds stupid.

Btw you LEO? I'd love to hear your feedback if you are. I was only MIL and civi hostile env.

So far what I'm thinking is ditching the LEO element from the first part of the script and introducing a paramilitary other government element similar to SAD. They clear the shack, don't have a contact but discover the aftermath. This aftermath will progress the story forward. Thoughts?

Not him but I've never heard of a swat team not utilizing people because they have enough. If the team is doing something, the entire team is doing something. Short of people being out of the city or something, everyone is going, even if they have more bodies than they need. It just means you have more guys on perimeter or at the back of the stack.
Also, "this is no police round" is super cringey. I'm not sure how you can write it without sounding like a cheesy csi episode, but I've heard so many different versions of that line.
>leads into a bigger story, involving terrorism, corruptions and the supernatural
What, is that evil SCP organization going to set the SCP loose somewhere? That would be cool.

I think you should just put together an actual reason for someone going there, whatever it is. If you want SAD to be doing it then the location would be watched by someone, though if you're watching a safehouse or something in a foreign country and no one has left for like a week, then they wouldn't go in themselves, they would get local authorities to do it.

i am but im not swat or a screenwriter though. i guess my notes would be that your radio jargon isnt great.
>understood?
copy that?
also i cant remember a single time explosives were used to breach. always a battering ram unless it fails. and if its possible they fire tear gas into the buildings windows.

>pies the entrance
this wouldnt really happen if they are already breaching. when breaches occur they either criss cross or button hook through the fatal funnel.

also i dont know shit about swat and what firepower they have but from what ive seen they can use damn near anything. also they tend to have deadly overwatch (sniper) if they are anticipating contact like that

sorry OP but this is better than yours

Yeah you're right it does sound cringey.

And not entirely. The general plot I came up with is a reflection of the real world. It's way cooler. The head of the SCP organisation (Major Tom) is corrupt af, he secretly funds an extremist group to summon SCPs in the shadows as a weapon. However, smaller and more secretive parts of the SCP organizations are revolting against major tom in secret. It's like a more complex story of moby dick. Major tom is moby dick, I plan to introduce a character called commander ahab to drive the plot forward and the story will be told from the perspective of Ismael (Iroquois) . As the story progresses Ismael loses his sense of humanity as he gets closer to truth. By the sound of the story, Ismael defeats and becomes moby dick (Tom). Repeating the cycle.

>also i cant remember a single time explosives were used to breach
It varies a lot by locale. I thought it was movie bullshit but random departments like Vegas uses them You're right about his radio chatter though, it's awful

Yeah you're right about the chatter, if I'm including radio chatter I either go full mil or not at all.

And fun fact, not really. Explosives are used to breach due to the fact their safer for a team going in loud. Normally, you breach the door, then pie the entrance, if there's enemy chuck a frag or flash, if not, you enter the building at adjacent corners.

must be a military thing. swat raids are done, breach and entry. theres no delay on the entry being made by a turkey peak or pie cut

But yeah, pie'ing is fundamental. Before you enter any room, regardless if you've breached or not you always pie then go criss-cross. Reason for that is that pie'ing clears the two furthermost corners of the room, the criss-cross method is designed to quickly clear the corners closest to the door in the room. Frags and flashes/frags are only used if there's enemy seen in the room during the pie phrase.

Ah, maybe but that was done in civi tracting too, maybe LEO has different drills. For me in both industries when it came to urban it was breach, pie, disorientate if applicable, enter.

>there’s like no directorial notes, you have to paint your scene better, scripts aren’t just lines
is this bait?

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>Frags and flashes/frags are only used if there's enemy seen in the room during the pie phrase
That's not true
>Before you enter any room, regardless if you've breached or not you always pie then go criss-cross
No, if it is hostage then you are going dynamic. Otherwise that would be correct.
You NEVER have a set way to enter a room, though. It is up to the #1 to determine whether to cross or button hook based on what he sees of the room layout or thinks in the moment. Even if he is wrong it is on #2 to take the opposite side.

>I kinda got a studio to back this idea after they read the first half I posted
lol

This what I was taught in security contracting and in the military. Excluding drags/flash

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>filename

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The pieing is right, but which way you enter is up to the #1. He might think he can hear something in one of the corners, he might see something with the room layout that makes him think one corner is more of a threat.
You might be right in a general perfect circumstances scenario, but that isn't real life. You can't have it stuck in your head that you have to cross or have to button hook.

The dialogue is pretty bad, but that can be fixed. Do some research into how task force team members talk to one another. The “cut to black/cut from black” is a little irritating to read. There’s probably a smoother way to get across what’s happening, but it may also just be that screenplay format doesn’t work on Yea Forums.

That is very true. This diagram represents a perfect doctrine scenario, there's been many times I've had to enter a room that didn't follow this scenario. Again these diagrams are basic af.

Critique of the Warwick Davis screenplay

I tried to dumb it down in this first script, but for the next revision I'lll go full ratel.

midge

The "cut to black" sucks to read, but this is a screenplay, right? If it was a novel, I'd say you could do like a page each, switching back and forth, but I guess for a screenplay the quicker cuts are okay.

I'm going off the rule of 1 page per minute.

>"cut to black" sucks to read
>“cut to black/cut from black” is a little irritating to read
if OP isn't trolling, (which i can't tell if he is or not, what with the "studio backing" he's received based off of what he posted here), then instead of constantly writing "cut to black" he should just be changing locations like any other screenplay

>Exterior shed. Present
>Exterior shed. 12 hours earlier.

repeat.

Wouldn't there actually be a hard cut to black between the back and forth, though?
Probably followed by the swat team being illuminated by muzzle flashes.
Unless you don't do the cut to black and have like someone die and blood splatters over the wall, then it seamlessly transitions back to the guy looking at the blood.
There are several different ways you could handle it.

>Nine tailed fox is on site proceeding to lower level

Definitely drop the Metal Gear stuff but you were brave and put yourself out there, OP. This thread is infinitely better than anything else in the catalog right now.

*grenades the elevator*

Is this a joke? SCP is cancer along with slanderman.

i just don't think he should be doing too many cut to blacks in the opening scene. that much starting people out with that much repetition is a bit much. better to keep transitioning from scene to scene with no cuts/fades to black
>This thread is infinitely better than anything else in the catalog right now.
true

OP here, yeah SCP is cancer but I think it's a damn good concept. I want to exploit it.

>A black car
Stopped reading there