The man cannot be defeated

i missed the days of Seagal threads that'd get hundreds of replies and seeing how many ridiculous lies this man has told

hearing Patrice O'Neal talk about Seagal was the best. Not only the greatest comic but was a god damn encyclopedia when it came to movies youtube.com/watch?v=AHLjkts-7Vg

i think he was standing on a skateboard or something and just pulled him with a rope

still looks kinda hot

100% guarantee the zoomers that post here have never heard of Seagal. I mean dude has done nothing but straight to vhs/dvd for the last 20 years

how the fuck do they float around like that

Based Seagalposters

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the first guy really is impressive

No buffet can hold him.

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youtube.com/watch?v=3Jji78uEW14

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Literally the DSP of film.

do russians really do this?

peak akido

Yeah because those threads were such a long time ago, right?

>DSP of film
Yep totally based as fuck. youtube.com/watch?v=nkskuSXqUD0

jamie pull that up
youtube.com/watch?v=KDiEIqD4MJ8

What's the actress name?

Kelly Labrock, who was also in steven's finest film

youtube.com/watch?v=4E1NFckaDqU

It's so easy keep your arms rigid while running as an adult.
Easier than those trips.

Well that's too bad

no I mean the women. Are they on fucking hoverboards or some shit

They tip toe around

I'm trying to figure out how the guys do it though. They fly around.

Based
youtube.com/watch?v=V2B9jyZTp4w

Chechens are not Russians. Think of Basketball Americans, but with their own ethnostate and muslim, in a country where police doesn't function properly.

how many motherfucker birthday did he finally snatch?

>"fight"

is this a youtube poop

>beats up asian man
>calls him white trash

youtube.com/watch?v=i_-MXLG_i-c

Steven Seagal was a martial arts legend. Just ask him. If Seagal is to be believed, he has lived an action-packed life that would rival James Bond. Seagal, a seventh degree black belt in aikido, rose from obscurity in the late 80s to become one of Hollywood’s top-paid action stars in the 90s. Since then, Seagal has morphed into a walking fat joke.

Seagal is a big man who likes to tell big stories. As a result, his life story is filled with anecdotes which have been refuted or disproven. At one point, Seagal claimed to be of Italian descent. He’s actually half Irish and half Jewish. He also claimed to have grown up in Brooklyn. He actually moved from Michigan to California at a young age. It was Seagal’s own mother who discredited her son’s version of his childhood. There’s a lot more of that to come.

According to Seagal, he was a student of the founder of aikido, Morihei Ueshiba. Ueshiba died in 1968 when Seagal was a teenager. While Seagal’s claim has not been disproven, it seems to have been over-stated. To date, only one of Ueshiba’s students has any recollection of Seagal’s presence during this time. And according to that source, Seagal was “the kid who was always playing guitar.”

Speaking of the guitar, Seagal fancies himself a blues musician. He has released two albums with his band, Thunderbox. According to Seagal:

“I came up in Detroit and there was a lot of blues. I didn’t learn blues from a fucking record; I learned it from the front porch. There were all these people from Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas and I learned from them.”

Seagal was five-years-old when his family moved from Lansing, Michigan to Fullerton, California. But that doesn’t stop him from telling stories about impressing the local blues artists who travelled from all over the country to Detroit.

“Little Milton hadn’t heard me play before. I was doing this Lightnin’ Hopkins thing. Milton looked at me and nodded, like he was trying to say, “This mutha ain’t white.”

When Seagal was in his twenties, he married his first wife, Miyako Fujitani whose father owned an aikido dojo in Osaka. Eventually, Seagal ran the dojo for his father-in-law. This substantiates Seagal’s claim that he was the first Westerner to operate an aikido dojo in Japan. Take note of that. It is one of the few stories Seagal has told about himself which is actually true.

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youtube.com/watch?v=aIfXrgMJObo

Seagal has frequently told stories of fighting off the feared Japanese mafia, the Yakuza. He told Movieline, “I jumped right in their faces. I was a tenacious motherfucker, man, and I was fearless.”

Seagal’s first wife refutes his claims,“It is a lie. He once chased a few drunks away from the dojo but never was involved with Yakuza.” (Fujitani also cast suspicion on Seagal’s Aikido black belt. “The only reason Steven was awarded the black belt was because the judge, who was famous for his laziness, fell asleep during Steven’s presentation. The judge just gave him the black belt.”)

In the eighties, Seagal returned to the United States and married Days of Our Lives actress, Adrienne La Russa. He didn’t let the fact that he was still legally married to Fujitani stand in his way. When Fujitani learned of her husband’s second marriage, she filed for an annulment. Many believe Seagal only married her so he could stay in Japan and run a dojo.

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Didn't he get his ass kicked by some random dude after saying he could take anybody on the street? Or was this just an urban legend from my childhood?

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Seagal came to Hollywood as an aikido instructor and stunt coordinator. His first film as a stunt coordinator was the 1982 action movie, The Challenge. which starred Scott Glenn and was directed by John Frankenheimer.

In 1986, Seagal met model and actress Kelly LeBrock whom he described as his “destiny”. LeBrock was famous from the shampoo ads in which she pleaded, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

She had also starred opposite Gene Wilder in the 1984 comedy, The Woman in Red and played the perfect woman in John Hughes’ teen comedy, Weird Science. Whereas Seagal had broken James Bond’s wrist.

Although still married to La Russa, Seagal followed LeBrock to Hong Kong to pursue a relationship. LeBrock became pregnant with Seagal’s child. When La Russa learned of the love child, she had her marriage to Seagal annulled. Meanwhile, Seagal filed for a legal divorce from first wife his first wife. Two divorces later, Seagal was free to marry LeBrock which he did in 1987.

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absolute kino
still can't take seagal seriously though

Seagal was working as an aikido instructor in LA. Among his famous students was super-star talent agent, Michael Ovitz. At the time, Ovitz was considered by many to be the most powerful man in Hollywood. Ovitz believed Seagal could be a movie star, so he set up a martial arts demonstration on the Warner Bros lot.

Warner Bros was in the market for a low-budget action hero they could call their own. Although Seagal had no acting experience whatsoever, Warner Bros decided to take a gamble on him as an action hero. They offered the aikido instructor his choice of several action scripts. Seagal turned them all down but offered to write his own action movie treatment.

Seagal’s first movie was the 1988 cop movie, Above the Law.

Above the Law was written and directed by Andrew Davis who would go on to success with The Fugitive. Davis worked with the story which Seagal had written. Above the Law co-starred Pam Grier and a then-unkown Sharon Stone.

Reviews were more positive than one would expect from a low-budget action film. Above the Law grossed $19 million dollars at the box office which was impressive given its $7 million dollar budget.

While promoting Above the Law, Seagal hinted to the LA Times that he had worked for the CIA in Japan:

“They saw my abilities, both with martial arts and with the language,” he said. “You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors.”

Many have debunked Seagal’s claims to having worked with, for, or in proximity to the CIA.

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Seagal is like that kid in school who chatted complete bollocks
Yet the fat fuck someone managed to be successful despite this

In 1990, Seagal starred opposite LeBrock in Hard to Kill. Once again, Seagal played a hard-boiled cop who used aikido to save the day. Reviews were mixed, but Hard to Kill was a hit at the box office. It debuted at number one at the box office and grossed nearly $50 million dollars.

Later that year, Seagal starred in another low-budget action film, Marked for Death. Marked for Death improved on the impressive box office of Hard to Kill. Seagal was proving to be remarkably consistent as an action movie star.

Apparently, all of Seagal’s success was going to his head. Seagal was always prone to bragging and making ridiculous claims. Among other things, Seagal claimed to be a superb rider, a deadly marksmen, an authority on antique samurai swords, and fluent in four languages.

Seagal boasted that he was immune to the judo technique known as “choking out”. On the set of one of his movies, Seagal challenged stuntman Gene LeBell, a judo black belt, to try to choke him out. The story goes that not only did Seagal pass out, he reportedly crapped his pants. LeBell has alluded to the incident indirectly, but suggests that he is legally prohibited from discussing the details.

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In 1991, Seagal starred in Out for Justice. Once again, he played a hard ass cop. The movie was originally slapped with an NC-17 rating. Cuts were made to get it down to an R. Reviews were mixed, but it was Seagal’s third straight number one opening at the box office.

Later that year, Seagal hosted Saturday Night Live. To this day, he is considered by many to be the worst host the show has ever had. Seagal hated the sketches that had been written for them. Instead, he wanted to do a sketch where he played a psychologist and cast member Victoria Jackson played his patient, a rape victim. The joke in Seagal’s mind is that he would try to rape his patient. When the SNL staff tried to convince Seagal that it wasn’t funny nd could never get past the censors, Seagal became belligerent.

Years later, when Nicolas Cage hosted the show, he joked that he was worried that the cast would think he was the biggest jerk ever to host the show. Lorne Michaels deadpanned, “No, that was Steven Seagal.”

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At least post the music that played in that scene youtu.be/yzA8X1gj664

In 1992, Seagal reunited with his Above the Law director, Andrew Davis, for Under Siege.

Seagal played a former Navy Seal serving as a cook on board a battleship which is hi-jacked by terrorists. The bad guys in this Die Hard knock-off were played by none other than Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey. Former Playboy Playmate and future Baywatch Babe Erika Eleniak co-starred as a Playboy Playmate and I assume future Baywatch Babe.

Under Siege received mostly positive reviews and was a big hit at the box office. Previously, Seagal’s movies had topped out around $50 million dollars. But Under Siege grossed $86 million in the US and over $150 million world-wide.

As Seagal’s popularity grew, his behavior grew more eccentric. He alternately claimed to be ex-CIA and a Navy Seal. At one point, he allegedly offered an ex-CIA operative named Robert Strickland $50,000 in cash to eliminate a former colleague. Strickland later sued Seagal for stealing his stories and trying to pass them off as his own.

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During this time, Seagal also faced several sexual harassment suits. It was common practice for Seagal to ask women to take off their tops. If they complied, he would grope their breasts in order to show them where their spiritual “meridian points” were located.

According to Strickland:

Raeanne Malone, one of four women hired by Warner Bros. to serve as Seagal’s personal assistants, is in the bathroom of his trailer, brushing her teeth. Strickland watches as Seagal begins loudly calling for Malone, saying he needs her immediately. She emerges still brushing her teeth. “Gee, Raeanne,” says the man of honor and protector of the weak, “You look like that when I come in your mouth.”

In May 1991 all four assistants – Malone, Nicole Selinger, Christine Keever and another woman – quit because of Seagal’s continuing piggery. Three of them threaten to bring sexual-harassment charges against him. Malone and another of the women, in return for a pledge of confidentiality, are paid in the vicinity of $50,000 each.

In 1994, Seagal decided he wanted to use his powers for good. So he directed and starred in the environmental action movie, On Deadly Ground. Seagal’s directorial debut was also his first box office failure. Reviews were worse than usual and the movie flopped. It was nominated for six Golden Raspberry awards.

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Seagal recovered with Under Siege 2: Dark Territory in 1995. Really? they couldn’t have called it Siege Harder?

Reviews were mixed, but the movie was a hit at the box office.

On Halloween night, LeBrock served Seagal with divorce papers. In addition to feeling up women on his casting couch, Seagal was involved in an affair with his children’s nanny at the time.

Actress Jenny McCarthy remembers a run-in with Seagal’s casting couch:

“They were casting Playmates for Under Siege 2. I was the last audition, dressed frumpy and plain, the way I usually go, and I walk into his office and it’s only Steven. His office has a huge shag carpet – shag, I’ll repeat that, shag – and a huge screaming casting couch. Casting, casting, casting, casting couch. And he says, ‘Listen, I can’t tell what your body looks like with what you’re wearing, so why don’t you stand up and take off your dress?’ “I started crying, and I said, ‘My video’s for sale for $14.99, go buy it if you want to see.’ And I ran out to my car, and he grabbed my arm and followed me and said, ‘Don’t ever tell this to anybody.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you are gonna regret this one day.”

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How do the women make it seem like they're hovering over the ground? Are they skating or something?

Following the success of the Under Siege films, Seagal tried to break into higher budget action movies. He took a supporting role in the 1996 action movie, Executive Decision which co-starred Kurt Russell and Halle Berry.

Seagal’s character died fairly early in the movie which did not sit well with the star’s ego. According to co-star John Leguizamo, they started filming Seagal’s death scene at 6 in the morning but couldn’t actually get the actor to play along until 8 PM.

Leguizamo has spoken out frequently about an incident with Seagal on the set:

“We were in rehearsals for Executive Decision. I’m playing his Master Sargeant and we come in for rehearsals and he says, ‘I’m in command. Everything I say is law. Anybody doesn’t agree?’ I was like, ‘Bwahahaha.’ I started cracking up because he sounded like a retard and he came up and he Taekwondo’ed my ass against the brick and he hit me with his elbow. He’s six-foot-five and he caught me off guard and knocked all of the air out of me and I was like, ‘Why?! Why?!’ I really wanted to say how big and fat he was and that he runs like a girl, but I didn’t because all I could say was, ‘Why?!’ Why’d he slam me against the wall? We were rehearsing. What’s the bid deal? Why can’t I call him names? If I can’t let it out it’s going to build like a cancer.”

Executive Decision received mostly good reviews and was a hit at the box office. Seagal was nominated for a Razzie for Worst Supporting Actor.

Later that year, Seagal starred opposite Keenan Ivory Wayans in The Glimmer Man. Reviews were negative and the movie flopped. Seagal’s best days were officially behind him.

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>tfw steve will never mumble on to you about his 1911s as you gaze on in total fascination
youtube.com/watch?v=UJHj7U_cru0

that first guy is fucking fly tho yo

practice

Seagal’s mouth was still getting him into all kinds of trouble. He went around bragging that he would beat action rival Jean Claude Van Damme in a fight.

Sylvester Stallone tells the story of the night Van Damme confronted Seagal:

“I remember once, at my home in Miami, I believe it was in 96 or 97, Van Damme was there with Seagal, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Shaquille O Neal, Don Johnson and Madonna, it was a heck of a party. Van Damme was tired of Seagal saying he could kick his ass and went right up to him and offered him the chance to step outside so he could wipe the floor with him, or should I say wipe the backyard with him. Seagal made some excuse and left. His destination was some Ocean Drive nightclub in Miami. Van Damme, who was completely berserk, tracked him down and again offered him a fight, and again Seagal pulled a Houdini. Who would win? I have to say I believe Van Damme was just too strong and Seagal wanted no part of it. That’s just my opinion.”

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Very small steps.

In 1997, Seagal starred in another environmentally themed action movie, Fire Down Below (which sounds to me like a euphemism for an unpleasant rash). Reviews were terrible and the movie flopped. Seagal was nominated for another Razzie. He lost to Kevin Costner for The Postman.

Around this time, Seagal found religion in the form of Buddhism. In 1997 Seagal’s teacher declared him a tulku. As part of his new religion, Seagal decided he was no longer going to make violent action movies. Apparently he thought audiences were paying to see his movies for his acting ability.

Segal’s business partner, Jules Nasso, put together a four-picture deal to keep Seagal in the action movie business. Nasso was connected to the mob and his associates wanted the money they were promised. They did not care that Seagal wanted to grow as an artist. They were not satisfied with pacificst movies like 1998s The Patriot. They wanted the old action stat back.

Seagal repeatedly refused to make the action movies in Nasso’s four-picture contract and their partnership gradually collapsed. In 2001, Nasso sued Seagal for 60-million dollars for breach of contract. Three months after Nasso filed suit, he was arrested for extortion along with 16 other associates.

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While the real life crime drama was unfolding, Seagal returned to action movies in Exit Wounds which co-starred DMX and Eva Mendes. The reviews were mostly negative, but the movie did well at the box office. It was seen as a comeback for Seagal.

Seagal attempted to recapture that success in 2002 by starring opposite another rapper (Ja Rule) in the action movie, Half Past Dead. Reviews were terrible and the movie bombed. Seagal was nominated for another Razzie.

By 2003, Seagal was starring in direct-to-video movies like The Foreigner and Out for a Kill.

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> Seagal challenged stuntman Gene LeBell, a judo black belt, to try to choke him out. The story goes that not only did Seagal pass out, he reportedly crapped his pants
holy fucking kek

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He got his ass kicked by an old martial artist on a film set and pissed his pants (while unconscious)

What if he's into it and he just knows how to make it happen

Meanwhile, Seagal was subpoenaed to testify against his former business partner and his mob associates. The defense attorneys sought to discredit Seagal as a “pathological liar” by asking him about his ridiculous stories under oath. They questioned Seagal about an ex-con who was hired on Seagal’s behalf to intimidate a reporter who was covering Seagal’s alleged mob connections.

The reporter, Anita Busch, had found a dead fish with a rose in its mouth on her punctured windshield. A note found under the fish said, “STOP!” Alexander Proctor, the ex-con, had told an informant that he’d been hired by P.I. to the stars, Anthony Pelicano, on behalf of Seagal. “[Pelicano] wanted to make it look like the Italians were putting the hit on her so it wouldn’t reflect on Seagal,” Proctor said.

Seagal was asked about several other embarrassing incidents. He lost his temper several times. He was asked to testify about a meeting he had with his business partner and several mob bosses who tried to persuade Seagal to work with them. Seagal had always portrayed the meeting like something out of his movies claiming he was armed and fearless. Under oath, he admitted with gritted teeth that he was afraid for his life.

Since that time, Seagal released a staggering number of direct-to-video action movies. As the star’s waistline continued to expand and his hairline continued to recede, Seagal did less and less action. He hides his girth behind enormous, loose-fitting costumes while stunt doubles do all the fighting. Sometimes, he’s barely audible dialogue is actually voice dubbed by another actor so as to be comprehensible. And yet, enough people watch these movies that Seagal steadily released two or more a year between 2003 and 2009.

In 2009, Seagal had the unlikeliest of come-backs in the form of the A&E reality show, Steven Seagal: Lawman. The show follows Seagal as he performs his duties as a reserve deputy sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. Seagal claims to be a certified law enforcer, but no credentials have ever been provided. However, Seagal would not necessarily need to be certified to act as a reserve deputy sheriff.

The show’s first season ran from 2009-2010. The second season started in 2010 but was interrupted when a former personal assistant accused Seagal of numerous crimes including sexual harassment. Kayden Nguyen claimed that among other things, Seagal maintained a personal harem and that he trafficked women for sex. She accused Seagal of keeping two Russian women as prisoners to satisfy his sexual needs. She claimed that Seagal intended her as a member of the harem.

Seagal’s attorney called Nguyen’s claims ridiculous. She sued Seagal for one million dollars, but the lawsuit was later dropped. Season three of the show was announced, but as of yet no dates have been set.

Anyone remember when A&E stood for Arts and Entertainment?

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In 2010, Seagal returned briefly to the big screen as the bad guy in Robert Rodriguez’s grindhouse homage, Machete.

In 2011, Seagal started appearing in a scripted cop show called True Justice. The show first aired on a Spanish TV station called Nitro. It aired in the US on ReelzChannel.

Seagal was the subject of another lawsuit related to Lawman. A Phoenix resident sued Seagal and the show for manufacturing his arrest for TV. The man was accused of breaking probation for a misdemeanor violation of being present at a cock fight. So the Sheriff’s office stormed his home with a tank, a bomb robot, and 40 deputies. Several roosters and the family dog were killed in the raid.

In recent years, Seagal has become a regular in the mixed martial arts scene where he is regularly mocked for wearing yellow glasses. Sylvester Stallone has been courting him to appear in the aging action hero series, The Expendables. But amazingly, Seagal keeps turning Stallone down.

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>try to put man in headlock
>wait I'm too fat to even move my arm

So, what the hell happened?

First of all, Seagal was never a talented actor to begin with. He was a martial arts expert which is a good skill to have if you are an action hero. But once Seagal stopped making action movies, he had no talent to fall back on.

Second, Seagal got fat. Val Kilmer fat. Even his mumus couldn’t hide the fact that Seagal looked more like a sumo wrestler than a martial artist. And then there was his hair.

Seagal was going bald in the 80s. But decades later, the guy has a widow’s peak that looks like industrial carpeting.

But it wasn’t just Seagal’s lack of talent and ridiculous appearance that ended his career. Probably the biggest issue with Seagal was that he was a grade-A asshole. Seagal was known for bullying everyone around him. He frequently injured stuntmen who worked with him. Seagal was infamous for kicking stuntmen in the groin to see if they were wearing a cup. I have heard of Seagal hospitalizing guys with stunts like this.

As we have seen before, when actors piss on everyone they pass on their way up the ladder, no one is there to lend them a hand when they inevitably fall. And no one pissed on more heads that Steven Seagal.

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Was that the movie where he "walked and breathed like a black man"?

>he's a very big guy

>He was a martial arts expert
ahahahahahahahahahaha

You don't have to be good at them to be an expert. He absolutely did know a lot and wasn't bad when he was young and in shape.

Are you sure you aren't referring to his blues stories?
youtube.com/watch?v=QnH60x9uR-E

>*is wheeled into frame by production assistants on a dolly that is edited out post-production*
>*wheezes loudly and painfully like an asthmatic having an attack*
>*stares blankly into the distance due to the ravages of diabetic glaucoma*
>*sways unsteadily, knees buckling under the weight of three decades of physical inactivity*

wha happen

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>right image
MUH DICK

For you

It's called being graceful and nimble.

His late quinoa is unironically very entertaining.

Attached: punani operatan.webm (708x392, 231K)

h-hayai

I have a vague recollection of a line in one of his movies where some black gangster boss tells him he walks and breathes like a black man, or something along those lines. Before he intentionally went to prison for some reason I believe, so yeah I think it's that movie with DMX
Stuck to me cause even then I thought it was one of the dumbest lines I've heard in a movie.

Based segal facts poster.

Best boobs in movie history.

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dey....thook her

dear god

>Mista Don's men... they came back, asking more money. What we do, Mista Hueng Katayanagi Jamal-san?
>incoherent mumbling

>Seagal was the subject of another lawsuit related to Lawman. A Phoenix resident sued Seagal and the show for manufacturing his arrest for TV. The man was accused of breaking probation for a misdemeanor violation of being present at a cock fight. So the Sheriff’s office stormed his home with a tank, a bomb robot, and 40 deputies. Several roosters and the family dog were killed in the raid.
AMERICA

The imdb trailer for General Commander is not that bad. Though being Lionsgate might have something to do with it, the other trailers on youtube are really bad.

youtube.com/watch?v=qiBvrsnB1cU

he such a fat fuck

And he was absolutely right. Seagal should have played Leguizamo's part.

>The man was accused of breaking probation for a misdemeanor violation of being present at a cock fight

>So the Sheriff’s office stormed his home with a tank, a bomb robot, and 40 deputies
>Several roosters and the family dog were killed in the raid.

absolute fucking STATE

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didnt read lol

ANYBODY SEEN RICHIE?

post the fucking anime sword fight

Kek

aikido expert
which is arguably the most useless martial art (excluding bull-shido)

is Glitter Man any good?

Attached: top 10 anime battles.webm (854x480, 1.63M)

It is good if you enjoy Seagal movies.

When did Seagull stopped being cool?
I remember Nico, that was OK. Now as a slow fat bastard just doesn't do it for me.

holy shit look how fast his feet are moving

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Very good if you like Seagal.

does anyone have the clip of some shitty direct to video movie where segal isn't even in the scene, its a totally different dude wearing a beard standing in for him and even doing his lines.

What the actual fuck did I just watch?

ME WANT SOME PUNANI

Has the man never used chopsticks?

Seagal dabbing on russians

he was never cool, user
you just weren't in on the joke

youtube.com/watch?v=2b5bG8Rcpxo

To this day we still haven't figured out what was meant by this scene

most badass mary sue on the planet

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Someone post the punani song

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Are his eyes even on the rear sight? Or is he too fat to put his gun close to himself?

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>Seagal was infamous for kicking stuntmen in the groin to see if they were wearing a cup.
kek, the absolute madman

but can segal stack up to sneed?

jesus christ this is hilarious

Imagine being her in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Stevie Seagal, you fuckin' fine, all sexy with your fat doughy body and that old bloated seal face. I would totally have sex with you, both my character and the real me." when all she really wants to do is another porn shoot with Chad. Like seriously imagine having to be her and not only twirl that fucking dress around while Steven Seagal tries his best to get an erection in front of you, the XXXL shirt barely concealing his planet-sized belly and droopy man tits, and just stand there, take after take, hour after hour, while he perfected that look. Not only having to tolerate his monstrous fucking visage but his haughty attitude as everyone on set tells him he's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, STEVEN SEAGAL LOOKS LIKE *THAT*?? because they're not the ones who have to stand there and watch his obese fucking marshmallow face try contort into any type of emotion besides complete disinterest. You've been fucking nothing but a healthy diet of low-rent producers and bargain-bin directors and later life-sentenced pimps your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the crackhouse from your 20's. You've never even seen anything this fucking disgusting before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out on his balding fucking hairline as he sucks it in to squint suggestively at you, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to stand there and revel in his "holy (for that is what he calls himself)" beauty, the beauty he worked so hard for with his donuts in the previous months. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could just end your life right there before the studio security could stop you, but you sit there and endure, because you can't act and your career is going nowhere. You're not going to lose that next bag of coke over this. Just bear it. Hide your face and bear it.

Attached: punani snatcher.webm (960x540, 2.24M)

lol

Its like he read those cheesy Chuck Norris jokes and thought "Hey that would make a good movie...

>unf

>he wanted to do a sketch where he played a psychologist and cast member Victoria Jackson played his patient, a rape victim. The joke in Seagal’s mind is that he would try to rape his patient. When the SNL staff tried to convince Seagal that it wasn’t funny nd could never get past the censors, Seagal became belligerent
based

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just put a bag over her head and she'll be fine

His newer movies are all money laundering for the Russian mafia.

During Steven Segal: Lawman he was accused of having two Russian sex slaves by his asian assistant who he also tried to make a sex slave.

This makes me uncomfortable.

He has a red dot. Although the way he's handling that gun, it doesn't matter anyways, he wouldn't hit anything.

What movie?

Its not totaly out of the question that a woman could be in to him. Some women are turned on by power. Charles Manson had a harem and he looked like Charlie from its always Sunny, with a beard and sanpaku eyes. As a rule of thumb, women place less importance of physical looks, and sex tends to be more about an emotional connection than with men.

Im sure you are mostly right, but think of all the women Danny the trash man DeVito has banged

Nani? Did you see the speed on his lift off? Any man who can bring the roll to his mouth that quickly is clearly a pro.

There's this Korean celebrity that's essentially Korean Segal. He's overweight, wears Leather and sunglasses indoors, slicks his hair back and tells stories about being a good fighter growing up. I wish I could remember his name but I'm terrible with Korean names, anyone that watches Korean variety TV knows who I'm talking about.

Kim Jong Un?

thats a reference to have and have not.
>you do know how to whistle, don't you?
>you just put your lips together...and blow.

why they tried to do this to such a kino scene, i'll never know.
youtu.be/30DSfAA0brs
>youtu.be/30DSfAA0brs
youtu.be/30DSfAA0brs
>youtu.be/30DSfAA0brs

why can't we have kino like this anymore?

wtf happened to him?
youtube.com/watch?v=cfNW1ERej0A

I was watching one of his hundreds of direct to video releases and out of nowhere we go from him sitting on the street after getting out of jail to groping some chick's boob in some room.
And it was at that point that I began to wonder, does he do all these bad b movies to grab chicks boobs? Does he do it for the tit?

Attached: Pistol swap.webm (1920x1080, 906K)

wtf am I watching

Is this the only time Rob Schneider has been funny?
youtube.com/watch?v=V2B9jyZTp4w

Home Alone 2. Also people are too hard on Schneider, seems like a good guy.

THICC
H
I
C
C

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