Can someone please rate this screenplay? im only a beginner and need some advice

not enough diversity

there isn't enough to assess as a story. your style could be more efficient and there are a couple of typos. CAPITALIZING every WORD is seen as PASSE these days.

I mean, something happens so that's good.

5 bags of popcorn but i'm a markhead so take it with a grain of salt.

>the motel is running on a backup generator so we'll probably lose power later on
Unnatural line of dialogue serves no other purpose but sloppy exposition
DING
Also, foreshadowing
DING DING DING

>CAPITALIZING every WORD is seen as PASSE these days.
oh i see, i thought it was standard formatting
> Also why'd you mention a generator running and electricity problem and never brought it up again? It's like Chekhov's gun - introduced in the first act it's supposed to fire in the third
yeah that's a good point. i figured it was just general worldbuilding to give the motel some character i guess.
ill heed your tension idea for future use.
i have to work with stereotypes for now just to be able to get used to the formatting and describing a scene.
>How convenient for your plot...
i figured it would be established later but ill do better to include more information

What program do you use? I've been slowly building up to trying my hand at writing, but all I have is WordPad.

kek

Well it sure aint Neon Blades

what do you guys think about mine

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stylistically you use way to many ALL CAPS words. Its not your job to tell the director what is important and what is not. You should use it more effectively.

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wrong formatting use FD
the best software is FinalDraft

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its not in screenplay format therefore nobody is oging to read it. Into the trash it goes. If you can't even obey the easiest rules its for sure garbage.

Asking for help on Yea Forums is pointless because all of the retards on here are going to nitpick autistic details that don't matter instead of actually criticizing the content of what you're making. You're better off going to a more traditional forum for this sort of thing, OP.

drive.google.com/open?id=11EcUOkaDhf8yUuTVPYeCOqn9ySmfUvQd
Stick your tongue to your cheek and read it.
Corny action movie in close of something like Desperado + Karate Kid.

Should have been

>Morton jumps from his tricycle while it's still in mid air
Then
>skids to a stop in front of The President, which then expldoes (The scooter)

It's pretty cliched. The interactions are very unnatural.
>Man (sternly): I need a room
Imagine if you were a hotel worker at whatever hour at night and some asshole came in and that's all he said. You wouldn't practically ignore him and reply back so casually. If you've ever met retail workers, they fucking hate customers and despise unneeded rudeness.
She doesn't feel anything close to a real person is what I'm getting at.

Consider this as her response, for example;
>The receptionist turns and looks at the man briefly. She then turns back to the tv.
>Receptionist: Be with you in 2 secs hun,
>Man: I need a room, now
>The receptionist turns back again, this time agitated. She stares the man in the eyes.
>Receptionist (sarcastically): Oh I think my boss just called me. In the back room. Where there's another tv. Might have to go check that out for at least five minutes, could take longer though... that's a shame
>The man closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
>Man: Here, as an incentive to ignore your "boss"
>The man produces a 20 dollar bill and leaves it on the counter
>The woman walks up to it and casually pockets the money before looking at the man again.
>Receptionist: Yeah I think it might have been a mouse actually. So you need a room? It's forty bucks for the night.
>Suddenly the tv starts making a chiming noise along with the sounds of applause. The receptionist turns her head towards it quickly
>Receptionist: Haha no way!

The hotel manager not asking for Mark's ID destroys all suspension of disbelief, not to mention many places now require some form of credit card to check in. It doesn't matter how scuzzy a hotel is nowadays; if you don't have a driver's license you can't get a room, period, and your opening scene shows exactly why this is. Right from the get go you've introduced us to a nonsensical world where the plot is only allowed to happen due to illogical actions that don't reflect any aspect of the real world or common sense. I suppose security cameras also don't exist in your wannabe 1930s neo noir Tarantino-esque universe either, so Mark walking into another patrons room and blasting them isn't easily solved by local PD.

I hate this script and I hate you OP.

Tommy Wiseau, is that you?

You only show the mundane if it means something later. You get like one chance to prove you understand this or people switch off.

Explain? I'm more than happy to hear criticism, I just don't see any parallels with The Room

Better than Dabid, that's for sure

we've seen this shit a million times before. write something original that you can base on real life experiences. don't write something that you think your University Film Coursemates will think is cool

It's not bad, there's more characterisation. But it's still a bit contrived

Okay, this is based.

I'm not seeing a seed store with two country boys on the patio anymore.

>Le real life experience meme
We don't need another boring indie flick about boring 20somethings being quirky

kino

First page:
-It's boring
-No hotel is charging $40, it wil be $39.99, that's a basic knowledge about life

What something supposed to be happening in the first three pages?

it doesn't need to be LITERALLY about real life just inspired by

Make Morton black and chagne the rock music to something modern like "hip and hop" or "dubstepping" and don't forget to re-fromat it properlay as other users have already mentiond, you've got a good thing going here and you don't want people to turn it away because its not profesional looking enough.

too much gun why not replace it with penis?

>Mark

It's the 21st century, SHITLORD. The character will be called Lateesha, a male to female transexual.

I'd be to see it