“He has no social media presence... He’s a ghost.”

>He hasn't had sex by age 18, how is that even possible?

>We checked his yearbook, Chief. Looks like he didn’t even attend prom.
>What kind of monster are we dealing with?

>he has no voting record but posts on an imageboard for politics 24/7, his psychology is without precedent

Just say you're happier without it. Psychological studies have shown that social media makes people less happy.

>we bugged his car but he seems not to have left his home in days
>what kind of fucked up shit is he occupied with in there?

I just tell them I didn’t use it even when I had it. That I found it boring. Also I don’t want the government tracking me; but only if they’re into conspiracy theories too.

>21, never had friends, never been to a party, never had sex.
>Even that plant we have in his local drugstore wasn't enough to bait him no matter how she tries to start conversations with him. He just stutters and leaves every time.
>We must be dealing with a fucking cult. Goddamnit, Johnson, you told me it was gonna be a simple case, i want to take my Easter leave already.

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A lot of tropes come from absolutely nowhere.
I've seen a ton of old cowboy cop style films but i've never seen something even close to the "the mayors up my ass. You're a loose canon, but a dang good cop!".
It just appeared out of nowhere and parrotted itself

companies literally DO avoid hiring people who have no social media accounts you know
not all of them but some do
reason is because they can see a good look into a person's life by what they post
why hire a blank page who could secretly be a DRUMPF SUPPORTER
just make a perfectly manicured fake profile, post a bunch of pro Hillary and Obama posts, friend some dems you know and otherwise never use it you spergs

>monster
guess you can call me double monster
*ba dum tsss*

Great thread.

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>thermal is picking up a huge heat signature in the basement, Jesus is this guy keeping cows down there?

>sir we just got a call from downtown. they say some guy just went to the local theater and bought a ticket
>and? what of it Johnson?
>he was alone sir
*grabs coat*
>that's our guy

>the subject appears to be a frequent poster in so-called "no fap" threads, boasting a personal streak of 30 days
>good lord, an entire month? his girlfriend must be working over time!
>that's just it chief... he... has no girlfriend

>what movie sir?
>a gosling flick, just like we suspected.

>our stakeout guys say he's attending lectures on university daily, yet he passes no classes whatsoever
>And you've been hiding this from me for two years? This must be where he meets his connections! I doubt he even studies, it's all a coverup!

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>we managed to plant a bug inside his coat three weeks ago but we weren't able to pick up a single word of his
>my god that man is a pro, he immediately figured out what we were up to!

Immediately thought of this meme when the Asian kid legit says this in Shazam.

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They said this in Shazam and I was just taken back because I realized I had no social media at all.

>Sir, the subject has only left his house once in the past two weeks - he was at the mall for a... Friday Night Magic event? But he didn't say a word to anybody and left after only ten minutes.
>Dammit Johnson! Why wasn't I informed of this?! He clearly made some sort of dead drop for his handlers. This guy is good.

Memes aside, is there any actual movies like this?
I love films where the whole plot happens because of misunderstandings etc

>no instagram
>no snapchat
>no twitter
>50 people on fb

Too bad google saves all of your searches and has an extensive profile built about you. Also, if youre using an android phone youre literally sending everything you do to Google, its like a vacuum for your information. At least Apple makes an actual attempt to keep your data private. No joke, if youre using an Android phone, youre making Googles job WAY easier.

just make up an excuse like it's a pain in the ass to remember passwords. that's relatable so they'll understand

>The phone bug seems to be a bust, Chief. Only call he made or received last week was to order a sandwich
>Well did you get any pictures when he went to pick it up?
>it was delivery, sir. He still hasn’t left the house

I want a girlfriend really badly bros

Not a TV series but they use that exact quote in the OP in Shazam

>tests for gunshot residue came back clean
>>maybe he's not our guy after all...
>and also no female residue, its like he's never held hands with a girl even once
>>Impossible, he must have chemically cleaned his hands off after the fact, this guys good

It hurts more every day and there's nothing i can do

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I have an Instagram account with just one picture of a cow. I add everyone who asks and they never say anything.

Nice try but you’re not going to track me that easily big brother

Just be yourself, bro.

Dennis?

If you want something done right you’ve got to do it yourself
Build your own girlfriend

kek

>I don't like using Facebook, but you can message me on WhatsApp or Viber.
That's it. You don't need to give any more explanations to anyone

then in 10 years when people unironically become too conservative, they will gas all the people that pretended to be liberals meanwhile I'll be safe under either regime.

am i seriously going to have to have a snapchat and post shirtless photos of myself on instagram to get a gf

Did they really? What was the context?

tell them youre a serial killer

they literally have a transcript of every post you ever made here and some of them will be read out in court if you ever do anything bad
think about that

>wow this guy really hates this 'janny', is that a janet rob, can you check his contacts?

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>female residue
I-is that a real thing

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>He's posting like a domestic terrorist, Johnson.
>Doesn't he realise all these public channels of communications are compromised and logged since 2006?
>I think he does know Captain. He's baiting us out into the open.
>I hope you're wrong, Johnson.

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>CAPTAIN HE'S JUST ORDERED A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF THIS CRYPTOCURRENCY WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ON OUR RADAR WHAT THE FUCK

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>we've pulled his old school records, including the penis inspection report. you're gonna wanna sit down for this

HE JUST LEFT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AFTER REMAINING INSIDE FOR 3 MONTHS
HE'S MAKING HIS FUCKING MOVE
ALL UNITS TO THE INCEL RESIDENCE NOW

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>he has no penis

No one ever ask me

yes it's called smegma

asian nerd talking about the main character who's moving in to their foster home

>Check his texts, I want all his conversations.
>All I see here is an amber alert from five years ago, sir.
>My god.

this is 100% a thing that's been in a bunch of detective or action/trhillers about cops its not from nowhere

STAKEOUT TEAM #3
DATE: 04/18/19
TIME: 14:00

OFFICER: Constable Seyour Buttes
ENTRY: The stakeout has been going on for so long. How is he this mentally strong? We've already had three burnouts leave the stakeout strike team. He hasn't even gotten any sun whatsoever. His food deliveries are handed through the door and all we see are his sickly, frail, disgusting feminine hands reach through to take the bags.
What the fuck is this guy and what the hell is he planning? We need new laws to combat this type of thing. This... This sick recluse. Nobody in their right mind does this sort of hermitude without a vile cause. We'll continue the stakeout - I hope to god the commissioner passes on our law requests to the governor. We need to act before innocents pay the price.
Seymour buttes out.

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I always imagine I'm on Catfish and they're trying to pull me up on google and getting no hits as they have horrified expressions and scary music plays

I'd never hire somebody publically pro left so this goes 2 ways.

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social media is too fractured to just EXPECT that people use everything. its not like when facebook was everything.

>sir, you don't think...you don't think he's I.N.C.E.L do you?
>for our sake Johnson, I sincerely hope not
>get the pentagon on the line

boo

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What else is there, twitter?

Happened once, my gf best friend asked me
>user, she tell me you have no facebook, is that true?
>yes.
>why?
>whats the purpose of facebook? Because i hate wasting my time with useless things.
>err...*seconds of silence* mmh to stay in contact with people and chat with them?
>dont worry, if i've something to tell you, i will phone call you.
>*akward moment of silence*
>her bf to me "hey have you finished that videogame you tell me about last week?

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>Sir why does he have a top of the line flagship phone?
>Something's fucky here

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>gf
stopped reading there

I am already getting there

Jesus I was just thinking of going to the movies alone, I still haven't done that, but I'm going to a concert alone soon.

>I'm going to a concert alone soon

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>sir,this is crazy,he has just finished a 1-hour shower,and he's washing his hands again...
>what the hell,Johnson...he must have touched some kind of radioactive material...we are dealing with real shit here...

Lmfao

That's me

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>not wanting to broadcast a fake version of your life to impress strangers
yeah I'm the weird one
I wouldn't actually use this argument in public though

Remember that Law & Order episode about the gamers?

>M'lord, we do not know what the word "cunny" mean yet

>i legit wonder if i haven't been hired because i dont have facebook
You 100% have not been hired because of this. 100%. Interviews are quite literally only used to see if the person can look someone in the eye and doesn't stink. Real interviews take place by looking up social media. Not having facebook is a massive red flag, no place outside of the most brainlet low end job would touch you.

My dad is big business boomer and handles a lot of interviews, anyone without a social media address is shredded without a second look, anyone posting 'questionable content' on social media is shredded without a second look, questionable content being literally anything that isn't the most safe, normie trash.

Your email is checked too, signed up for video game accounts? Shredded. Porn accounts? Shredded. Policially active (Left or right)? Shredded.

GO HOME GAMER GRILL!!!

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>what do you guys even say when you're asked why you're not on anything?
>"I don't like social media"
Not that anyone would ask.

I deleted my Twitter because of this, too many controversial opinions that I assume the recruiters find somehow.

>johnson, give me all of the social media activity from the last 10 years
>sir, it seems like the suspect doesn't use ANY social media accounts whatsoever
>oh my god, what a monster
> wait sir, there is something...oh nevermind
>what is it johnson??
>the suspect writes on an anime image board
>he only writes the same 2 letters
> b&r

Bad advice

>passwords easy to remember
>99% of the time your login details are auto populated

Unemployed detected

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how do they look up your mail ?
do they have some kind of database ?

Who uses his primary e-mail to do weird stuff? I've only amazon, ebay and a cousine website that send me recipes via e-mail linked to it.

>Your email is checked too, signed up for video game accounts? Shredded. Porn accounts? Shredded. Policially active (Left or right)? Shredded.
How would they even be able to check that? Mailing lists aren't public.

Why would they care what I do on Roblox, Steam, and PSN?

>Sir?
>What is it Johnson, you got the file on our perp yet?
>That's just it sir. I don't know how to put this but his social media its full of..
>Full of what, Johnson? Spit it out!
>Sir its full of.. Avengers: End Game spoilers!
>My god, you didn't read it did you Johnson?
>I.. Did, sir. I read it all. I couldn't help myself.
>I think I'm going to be sick. Don't worry Johnson, you take the day off, we'll catch this son of a bitch.

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>Mailing lists aren't public.
Its cute that you think that.

depends on the job you're going for. it either matters like said or doesn't matter at all. if you are going into a soft field, good fucking luck without social media and good social skills. if you are a petroleum engineer, you're fine

Oh, you're just a conspiracy sperg. Thanks for wasting my time. Previous post safely discarded.

>Sir he's obsessed with one upping this woman but seems entirely incapable..

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I'd kind of like to look at my profile to see what conclusions they've drawn and compare them to reality.

You give them an email address when you apply. They use that information to find all the accounts linked to that email address.

I want HER as a girlfriend God damn it
I don't care what the Universe fucking says we are the same person we were perfect for each other I can still help her and it'll work out
Fuck you

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Like I said, its cute you think that's how the world works. If they have your email address (Which they do, you're not get an interview without one) they'll have every bit of information connection to that email address.

All those data leaks, all that data floating around for sale, who do you think is buying it? Companies doing interviews who want to know who you are, for one.

>friends or family
i tell them it's designed to turn you into some kind of jewish golem and they need to delete theirs too
>random fuckwad 'acquaintance'
i tell them they have 5 seconds to get away from me before i mash their skull in

And how exactly do they do that?

>my uncle works for Nintendo

they don't do any of that and you've never had a job. NEXT!

Yes faggot I'm sure Banana Republic has a deal with the NSA for all my information. Don't talk to me again.

nice quints bro

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Yes user nobodies dad works for companies, white collar workers are unheard of.

that’s crazy, your dad is a nigger tho

>I'm sure Banana Republic has a deal with the NSA for all my information.
How do youm think those republics gained power? Do you think it was just really good banana marketing?

>Nigger
Excuse me my daddy is white, his company only hires the required % of niggers.

this was believable until the video games. nice try,

What's the required percentage anyway?

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I don't know, and I'm certainly not going to ask daddy and get in trouble for being racist. I imagine its not a real set % though, you just need enough darkies and women dotted around to look presentable while the white men do the real work.

if it's a movie people have seen many times, it becomes a trope

I wouldnt dare to argue with those repeating numbers...

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Are you serious? Unless the company in question is a tech firm, you're not going to get in with a video game account. You know that "professional" white collars don't play video games right? Not enough to make accounts, steam accounts are a red flag. Console shits fine, and typically someone can claim its their kids anyway.

Its amazing how out of touch some people on Yea Forums are. You know why people have business emails? So they can hide shit. People who have any interest in getting into the top end of business, the wolf of wallstreet type shit, does not go around with any smear on their persons.

Imagine you live in a society were your govt forces you to hire niggers.

oof still trying

It’ll come to you some day

Uhhh...you want the...cat?

>shitthatdidnthappen.jpg