Alright Yea Forums, here's your Bible Cinematic Universe

Idris Elba as every character. God, Satan, Adam, Moses...

> Old Testament is Boring

>Creation of the world
>Fall of man
>abraham cutting off his foreskin at 99 years old
>jacob literally fighting God
>joseph saving Ancient Egypt because of a dream
>drowning jewish babies in the nile
>ten plagues
>splitting a fucking sea in half
>40 years in a desert when it should have taken anyone 3 weeks (3 goddamn weeks!)
>female judges commanding armies
>samson killing 1000 soldiers with a jawbone
>samson killing more philistines by toppling a fortress
>samuel anointing saul king
>twink david killing 8 foot goliath with a single pebble
>david killing a random guy so he can plow his wife instead of taking her like any other king
>solomon being the most based then the most bluepilled king in a generation
>interracial black/jewish sex between solomon and queen of sheba

should i keep going?

>Divine Comedy
>Paradise Lost
>The Canterbury Tales
EU > canon

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but phase 2 is the new testament. Jesus is Captain Marvel.

>twink david killing 8 foot goliath with a single pebble
Heathens and faithlets will reee about balance issues.

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comfy tarkovsky bible when

>No new Testament

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Moreover
>100% Genesis

>Paradise Lost
>12 episodes of fucking nothing
>Leads don't even show up till 2nd, maybe 3rd episode
>Don't even end it with Cain and Abel
Dropped

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Came here to post this.
>No trippy 3hrs movie about Jesus wandering the desert.
So much potential.

What are some Christian kino?

Yes keep going

Young Pope is Conservative Christian Kino of the highest order, watch it immediately.

PHASE ONE you bastards

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Well Paradise Lost contains a significant amount of Miltonian heresy so we need to axe that first

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>cut content
that's why book >>> movie

The Bible is a fictional book.

Why The Canterbury Tales? It has like nothing in common with the other two

Tower of Babel is the ultimate in feeling God's scorn, no film could match the pain contained in that handful of lines

Jesus would be the hulk

It's the Rogue 1 equivalent.

Nah I'm Catholic, so I'd just prefer a 17 hour long mini-series about the life and times of Mary. I don't need all that other stuff.

Jesus of Nazareth exists. I know it's not what you ask for but I doubt anything of that caliber is happening any time soon.

Don't sleep on the NT, bro. Everything after the Gospels is Rome hunting down the Apostles one by one and putting them down. The good guys still win because they start churches from Western Europe to India. It all ends with the final Apostle stranded on an island and God is all, "hey grats on first place. Here's how the world ends." Then Revelation out Old Testaments the Old Testament.

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What? If the others are Star Wars, Canterbury Tales is like, Lord of the Rings

>a diverse bunch of non-juju characters go on a juju related adventure
>a major theme is the criticism of their societal structures
If you squint your eyes a bit maybe you will see the connection.

Lord of the Rings

David and Saul jewing each other is the most underrated part of the bible

Zack Snyder directs the Samson movie. Imagine an epic, 300-style scene with periodic slow-mo where Samson rips through an entire army using just the skull of some animal as his weapon.
Also, this song playing and the scene having similar emotions to this youtube.com/watch?v=jSjI7gwuKtg, when a blinded Samson calls out to God to give him help one more time as he's pushing apart the pillars of the temple.
Lastly, this song playing when Samson fights and slays the lion (and rips it's jaws open). youtube.com/watch?v=FlyUAaa0qT4, especially copyig the part where Superman and Batman run at each other, but this time it's Samson and the lion running at each other.

Underrated

LITERALLY the other way around, retard.

too pagan

>Rome falls and the west becomes Jewish
>The good guys still win

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Could you make a full-length movie out of Job? Would it have to be like a My Dinner With Andre?

To aid in visualisation of the climactic temple pillar scene, I took a picture of the children's Bible I have at my place. Seriously Zack Snyder would be perfect for this.
pls give (You)'s{/spoiler]

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Cast him.

Don't forget this when Delilah is seducing him
youtu.be/vjRiLKSPbqc
That would make a good movie for broad audiences, since as Bible stories go it lacks in moral clarity and can't be accused of being preachy or simplistic.

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These guys deserve a movie more than anyone else in the Bible.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biblical_judges

Basically ancient Judge Dredd.

>The judge Shamgar slaughters 600 men with an ox goad. From a medieval German manuscript.

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gtfo. Someone a bit more white is required here. White guy with brown hair, probably any of those strong guys from the 1900's would suffice. Prime Steve Reeves would have been a good idea.

He could tuck his cock and balls behind his legs