YOU KNOW WHEN THEY HAVE A FISHING SHOW ON TV? THEY CATCH THE FISH AND LET IT GO. THEY DON'T WANT TO EAT THE FISH...

>People tell me, Mitch, you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking! I say, Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to *start* flossing.

I don't know how he did it, so many 10/10's.

ESCALATOR TEMPORARILY STAIRS
SORRY FOR THE CONVENIENCE

>my friend asked me if i wanted a frozen banana
>i said no, but i want a regular banana later, so yeah

Reddit is that way

I came here to post this.
Actually I came here to post that.

the dry shtick gets old. mitch giggling at his own stuff was endearing

>Let me get a steak fajita sub
>But don’t bother ringing it up it’s for a duck
>There are six ducks out there and they all want SunChips

The only thing in life a duck wants is bread, yet he does not have the means to buy it. This is the biggest joke on the duck ever.

Thats a very norm sounding joke.

deep allegory for late capitalism desu

One of my favorite jokes
>I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone

I once saw people standing still on a broken down escalator. They waited a full 10 minutes before it started moving again.

taking a dump
RIP Mitch

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National treasure. I'll never forget his delivery on SUNCHIPS!

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This joke made me burst out laughing in my math class

The real irony is that Mitch is loved on reddit

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Mitch is loved everywhere, you uncultured swine. He was my literal boomer mother's favorite comedian.

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Chances are your mother was a college slut

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My mom is Catholic. My dad was the first person she fucked. Stop projecting your slutty mother onto my mom.

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>my belt hold my pants up
>but my pants hold my belt up
>I don't know who the real hero is

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We didn't deserve him. RIP, my nigga.

Sure that's what she tells him. She probably blew off dudes in the campus

>Damnit, user, you have Lupus!

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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

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lel

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I walked past a dry-cleaners at 3am and there was a sign on the door that read 'sorry we are closed'
it's 3am in the morning, and you are a dry cleaners. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not going to walk past the next morning and say 'hey, I came by here at 3am last night and you guys were closed, somebody owes me an apology!'

>my mom is catholic
lmao, you mum got railed by ten tyrones at the same time

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When I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for, like, 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

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I like my postman because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it

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10/10

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fuck me

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it was a better time lads

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underrated post

I always heard this as "They just want to make it leap for something". Boy oh boy.

>living a lie

This one's dope.

Did anyone else find out about Mitch through that Panda Bear song
>THAT GOOD OL BOY MITCH JUST WANTED TO TELL SOME JOKES
>WELL NOW I'M JUST TRYING TO PLAY SOME NOTES

true but Hedberg was great too

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>there's something wrong with being normal
>Mitch was normal
You need to die.

He's actually not. I hear this the time and have spend a considerable amount of time watching his stuff.

He's the Hemingway of jokes. I don't know anyone else who can be this concise and effective.

Red bananas are a real thing in east Africa though

Does anyone else remember the random Mitch Hedberg quote spam on Yea Forums way back when? It was the only spam ive ever been cool with.

I think he meant Norm Macdonald retard

He meant Norm Macdonald you brainlet.

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I don't get this one.

you put candles on a cake for birthdays

Like you put birthday candles on a cake

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A (birthday) cake.

You put candles in a birthday cake, user.

>all women must be whores and sluts or I would feel bad for hating them so much due to my ineptitude in being a man

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>inability to imagine women to be anything other than what you fear

>My dad was the first person she fucked. Who was the second?

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but first you gotta poke some holes in the top, cause he's damn sure used to air

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>trolled softly

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Ahhh, "cake", in my first language, is a different type of cake, must be why I didn't even connect.

what backwater are you from? is a cake like a survival ration type thing there?

>Do not go see Dr. Acula.

It still makes me smile.

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>does not understand linguistic diversity
stupid amerishart

My dad would say this back in the 80s.

>degenerate junky

Yeah, that’s genna be a pass from me

>junky
>genna
Yikes, the average Jeff Dunham fan everybody

>I used to do drugs
>I still do them, but I used to do them too

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Did mitch’s ghost just post in the thread?

Sure thing, faggot

>all these jokez ITT
>this is the one that getz me

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It's not quite the same reading them without Mitch's signature style.
youtube.com/watch?v=Z3QLxaUufmQ

youtube.com/watch?v=ajhK8lN5B70

and you stood there for 10 minutes watching this?

I don’t get it

Not a lot of people floss their teeth. It's commonly a hard habit to get into

Nah, It was in a mall and I saw from the food court.

So stairs, everybody has seen stairs and walked up stairs and downstairs but has anyone stared at stairs? I know I have, I did last night when I was drunk and fell down them I had an intimate moment with each and every step, by the time I reached the bottom I knew their life stories.

>implying you wouldn’t

>he doesn't people watch
Literally more kino than 99% of movies or tv shows

>I was only pretending to be retarded

Based mongoloid

I always wanted to see these guys duel.

>tfw you're a big gross fatass and worry about people people watching you

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it's so immersive

>I used to have an ant farm. Those fellas didn’t grow shit.

Fatasses are a dime a dozen here in the US. Unless you've got other kino qualities nobody is paying attention to you outside of noticing you're a fatass.

Mitch idolization gives me a weird feeling. I remember trying to turn tons of people onto him circa 2003 and everyone rejected it. Now the same people are acting like he's a genius. Fight Club syndrome.

Everything you love has a subreddit, you tard.

Best thread on Yea Forums in a long time

Literally me with Napoleon Dynamite.
>saw it premier in theaters with buddies
>kids in class said it was gay
>comes out on dvd and everyone is quoting it
Called out a lot of hypocrites that school year.

I thought they banned r/CoonStomping

For me it was That 70s Show
youtube.com/watch?v=M8NZqD_pJT8

This site was at one point filled with people who were mocking ledger's joker laugh even though everyone in the know knew he was the best actor of his generation. There was probably a grand total of like 3 of us that knew he was going to nail the role. Then he did and people were obsessed. Then the same obsessed people later claimed it was just cuz he died. People are scum.

>tfw you are a big gross fatass and take anti-psychotics for delusional paranoia and psychosis so even when you are alone you are afraid you are being people watched

shout out to the fbi and aliens and also fbi aliens.
basically everyone is the star of their own show and you play a part in it, as well as the leading role of your own "show".
if you can accept that or are afraid of that then the next step is to realize that its important to be "entertaining". Get those aliens to tune in.
When you fuck up, or are especially gross and dumb, realize there are aliens watching you and they are laughing their asses of and love you, the character in their favorite tv series.

its basically imagining people in their underwear for public speaking but instead its for your whole entire life.

It's impossible not to read these in his voice. God he was great.

I miss this dudd and was incredibly saddened by his passing when it happened. Hes one of the reasons why I have long hair.

This

>t. faggots who've never watched Steven Wright
Stop lying, you shits.

Some lazy/unequipped fishermen leave the hook in but yeah, generally.

His delivery was amazing the man knew timing

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time and last night, all those people were at my show.

He's a degenerate conflating drug addication with health care. Everyone clap.

i dont get this one

BABA BOOEY

I AM SAVED BY THE BUOYANCY OF CITRUS

based and limepilled