It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it

>It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

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>You can't have everything you want. Where would you put it?

>My dad was a clown in the local circus. When he died all his friends came to the funeral in one car.

>the sign said 24 hour banking,but don't have that much time.

Mitch Hedberg did it better.

>there is a light switch in my home that does nothing.i turn it on and off over and over every day. Then I got a letter from a woman in Germany,it said "stop it"

they're both funny. no need to be like that.

hahaha he's taking the things literally XD

I like this one. It's not "haha" funny but it's amusing.

>If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny

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This is why capitalism works.

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This.

>I bought some powdered water but I don’t know what to add.

>Everywhere is walking distance when you have the time

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is that Andy Samberg??

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No, it's Steven Wright, and before you ask, no he's not a jew

>I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

>Andy Samberg
Who?

>I bought one of those records that says it'll teach you a language in your sleep, but at night the record started to skip
>now I can only stutter in Spanish

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>I went to the theater to watch a matinee and the cashier told me I couldn't pay for one ticket because they had a 'no singles' policy.
>I said that's ok I'll be paying by credit card.

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You are literally stupid.

>So I paid with a five.
You were so close,anime fren.

Not good.

>there was a hijacker on the last plane I was on
>he stood up and said he was crashing the plane with no survivors
>I asked him if he could do it with survivors

>so there I was tongueing this nigger’s anus

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I too listen to SXM

>I went to the feed store and the owner said 'welcome to Sneed's Feed and Seed how can I help you today?'
>I said just the feed today I'm not interested in Sneed's seed

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finally a good thread

>they say “the road to hell is paved with good intentions,” so now I do everything with evil motives.

>socially retarded
>bad delivery
Just because he’s like you doesn’t make him a good comic

>they should really iron these

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>I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

>bad delivery
Hedberg's delivery was outstanding.