ITT: times you were the joker

>shopping for groceries
>leave the deposit in the cart so the next person can use it on the same coin, thereby leaving myself 50 cents poorer to no benefit to anyone while also not inconveniencing anyone either
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME

Attached: Gentleman of a trickstery persuasion.jpg (797x1199, 130K)

>Purchase Tyson Tendies for review
>"I really think you'll like these Banquet brand Tendies. I know I did."

LIVE AND LET DIE

>Toll tax operator accidentally leaves the barrier up after car before passes
>don't pay the toll
I PRAY MY DICK GET BIG AS EIFEL TOWER SO I COULD FUCK THE WORLD 72 HOUR

Attached: AF81E1FA-15F0-4F55-B052-ED736FDADFAF.jpg (509x382, 38K)

>sign says no standing
>sit down instead
BREAKING THE LAW BREAKING THE LAW

When I used to ride the bus for school there was a trick you could do if you tapped the button fast enough it would make the ding sound but the driver wouldn't get alerted and the stopping sign wouldn't light us. 10/10 troll.

Post on 4channel from my phone

>see phoneposter
>call them out
I"M NUCLEAR

Attached: 1548811704645.jpg (640x640, 30K)

Set the volume on the TV to 49

Fuck off, zoomer. It's actually a funny meme. *sips*

>hang a nigger and shit in a jannytrannys mouth

Hehhehhoohohoghiihigiihxihi

>Put the Tv on 04
>Leave the Cable on 03

SHANANANANANANAN KNEEES KNEEEES

SOMEONE GET THIS HOTHEAD OUTTA HERE
this is an advertising friendly board user, you're out of line buddy

B A S E D

>kill niggers
>place a gun in their hand
oh my god guys somebody stop me!!!

Informed the FBI, they're coming to take you away hahahoheheahaaa

>Lurking pol
>Shill for yang to trigger Reddit magapedes
DAMAGED

>Browsing CDs in record store
>Place Belle & Sebastian CD in Beatles section
>Move to a safe distance and wait for the chaos to ensue

>Ex-girlfriend asks how I'm holding up from the breakup
>Tell her I'm fine
>I just really want her back and want to go back to the way things were
I PUT MY TRUST
IN YOU-oh

Attached: mfw23.png (696x564, 28K)

>feminist movie comes out
>make a 1-star troll-review with a new account
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE

Attached: Managed to get yourself captured.jpg (2560x1440, 543K)

>post *yawn* in Joker thread
>didn't even yawn in real life

BIG UP, BIG UP, IT'S A STICK UP, STICK UP

>At the vet for a yearly check-up for my kitty
>”Please write down info about your pet name age etc”
>No problem... Mr Whiskers, 4....
>My cat’s name is Oliver

TEENAGERS SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME

>having a shit at the cinema
>tear the toilet paper instead of using scissors
I SWEAR THAT I DON'T HAVE A GUN

>meet cute and the coolest girl I’ve met
>only snap each other because she’s American and I’m euro
>pretend to be fine with it
YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED

>alone in elevator in 100 floor building
>going mash all the buttons before I get off

>buy some milk from the gas station
>take a penny
>never leave a penny
WHEN I WAS

FELINE IDENTITY THEFT IS A FUCKING FELONY

Attached: 1486937574945.png (434x486, 188K)

>At a physical
>Okay sir some routine questions are you a smoker
>...yes doc but only socially.
>Never touched a cig in my life

DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME ALL THAT I SEE ABSOLUTE HORROR

>old lady gets on
>stands up and offers her my seat
>"no that's ok"
>have to awkwardly sit down again
>old lady just smiles at me
>she totally fucked me
ITT: times old ladies acted like the joker

>download suicide squad on pirate bay
>limit seeding to 5kb/s
>remove torrent instant I get to 100%
BLICKY GOT THE STIFFY UHHH

You're a fucking monster user

I’m D A M A G E D

>Driving downtown, come to a T intersection wanting to make a left
>Green light, pedestrians are starting to cross
>Don't wanna wait so I hit the gas and just miss plowing some chick and other people who start shouting after me
IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES IT GOES GUILLOTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I know this feel

Attached: 1539309241103.jpg (675x768, 90K)

very evil thread

Attached: maxresdefault.jpg (1280x720, 83K)

>hotdogs come in packs of 10
>hotdog buns come in packs of 8

PSYCHOSOCIAL
PSYCHOSOCIAL

>find a slow board on 4channel
>call a random user a nigger and never go back
GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS

This is legitimately a fucking problem that should be addressed. Violently.
>LET THE CARCASSES FALL ON TOP OF THE CARPET

>Not getting full off a complete hotdog and then eating an extra hotdog without the bun

You guys must be some fat overeating fucks

You just want an excuse to have two weiners

>eating a hotdog without the bun
What kind of psychotic bullshit is this? And you call us "fat overeating fucks"? At least we're not desperate to make up excuses to eat sausages, you damn homo.

The correct answer would be two make 2 double hotdogs with the remainders

Those types of buns are too fragile to handle even one hotdog for the most part, frankly. The high-end hotdog buns are in 4-packs.

So buy 5 packs of them and two 10-packs of wieners, it'll even out.

>go through more than a decade of boot camp before entering society
>after its over just stay in my room for years touching my willy and watching films

they say whatever doesn't kill you....only makes you....stranger...

That's a lot of money just for some damn hotdogs.

But now you have a large supply you can use at your leisure.

The bread is the useless filling part. That’s why when I am starting to get full I I’ll just eat a naked one without the useless fattening bread part

>visit men's room
>don't wash hands
>shake hands with co-workers after
ALL THE OTHER KIDS IN THE PUMPED UP KICKS

>about to go to school
>"don't forget your helmet user"
>mom straps the helmet on my head
>off to school with my bike
>make a stop only a block away from home
>mfw I take off my helmet and strap it around the handlebar before continuing to school
>mfw I don't even double strap my backpack

Attached: 9f7f894a17c6b03a1d907cbb6c0ce689.jpg (499x575, 40K)

Do you dip the dog directly in your gigantic jar of mustard and then eat it?

>Play GTA
>Never steal a single car

THERE IS NO FUCKING YOU
THERE IS ONLY ME

That has to be literally impossible but I'm curious.

classic smoothbrain ahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ll squirt a little mayo on the side and just dip it in that.

>*shudders uncomfortably*

Bruh you can buy cars an steal bikes

Attached: 1483903197973.jpg (395x450, 69K)

>mom makes dinner
>asks if I'm hungry
>say yes
>I'm not
IM JUST A SUCKER FOR PAIN

>someone asks me for directions
>I apologize and tell them I don't know where the place is
>I actually knew
WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE

>buy cars
Is this that newfangled GTA 5 I haven't played?

>"get them on board, i'll call it in"
>don't actually call it in
CALM DOWN DOCTOR

>pretend to shoot a man
>shoot air instead
NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR FEAR

>pretend to throw him out of the plane
>don't
THAT COMES LATER

Attached: 1546762435656.jpg (495x720, 82K)

Kind of related
>rando asks me for a light
>tell them I don't have any
>as soon as they turn their backs I light up
STRAIGHT FROM THE TOP OF MY DOME

I do that all the time, if only because I don't want to be bothered.
>'Yo, bro, you got a light?'
>Take a drag from a cigarette
>"Nah, sorry."

You would get laid out where I’m from

Just downright disrespectful

>get welfare
>have white skin

Attached: 1551046294300.jpg (1497x1524, 319K)

i said nigger even though i'm asian

>play GTAIV
>guys start shooting at me
>call the cops and hide
ONE WEEK SINCE SHE LOOKED AT ME

>Stand on the bus stop
> hail bus to stop
>didn't get in

>post on r asian masculinity even though I’m black with a very active sex life

That's not even special. I work with several asians and indians and they're incredibly racist against arabs and blacks. It's wonderful, actually.

>playing GTAIV
>dad goes to the bathroom
>hit the strip club
>try to get a full dance squeezed in before he comes out so I can fap when I go to bed while thinking of the pixel T&A grinding on the slav
SMOOTH CRIMINAL

>thread in forum where someone needs help with an issue
>know the solution for the problem but don't reply
YOU, YOU HATE, YOU HATE ME

>someone asks a technical question
>i tell him i'll dm the fix but never do

Wow that’s like playing two mini games

ok nigger

post "check em" and not get dubs

>evaluating a company
>mention that operating leases need to be adjusted
>don’t actually do it and leave whoever wants the data to do it himself
LOCK ME UUUUUUUUP

>Phone mom while I'm at the shop ask if she wants anything
>Tell her they don't have what she asked for
>They actually do but I can't be bothered carrying more shit

SHE'S A MANIAC MANIAC

Attached: impaired_population.jpg (1748x980, 1.05M)

>at the grocery store buying candy
>after weighting it turns out i don't have enough money
>lift the candy-bag a little bit while weighting it again so i can afford it
THERE IS A HOUSE IN NEW ORLEANS

>opening box of crackers
>package says open other end
>open it anyway

>open bag of bread
>don't close it again
>make a sandwich
>lick the butter off the knife
>put the licked knife back in the drawer without washing it
I'M A COWBOY
ON A STEEL HORSE I RIDE
I AM WANTED
DEAD OR ALIVE...

Truly based

>not minmaxing life

Attached: 1552161009630.png (605x381, 187K)

The most despicable human in this thread.

>be in classroom
>close my eyes pretend to be asleep
>teacher calls me out
>tell him i was just resting my eyes

MY MIND IS A DARK POOL OF MISERY AND INSANITY

>paid to ensure the integrity of our inventory reports
>often rely on educated guesses and experience rather than individually auditing each item
I think its called 'discretion'

>take a shit in a public toilet
>don't flush
I'M STILL IN A DREAM

>girlfriend wants to split food item
>tell her im not hungry
>she doesnt get anything
SOULJA BOY TELLEM

>convince my crush I'm a cool and interesting person
>she moves to another city
I PUSH MY FINGERS INTO MY EEEEYES

>friend says he wants to catch captain marvel with me
>tell him I'll get tickets beforehand
>order two seats for alita battle angel that's showing a bit after
>get the tickets ripped and walk into Captain Marvel
>wish I was seeing Alita again the entire time
>tell friend I need to go to the bathroom and sneak into Alita
>watch it for 20 minutes in the hall by the screen
>give Captain Marvel bad scores on RT and imbd on my way back to the screening
>go back to friend
>afterwards he apologizes for picking a bad movie and we both laugh at Brie

>Stop in middle of busy sidewalk
>Start looking up at the sky
>Walk off and laugh as soon as other people start looking too

I'M GOING TO HELL!

>Ring neighbors doorbell
>Run

IMMA BAD BOY

...but then somebody would just press the button again

Based

>go to work 40 hours a week
>spend more time and effort avoiding work and not being present than just getting things done and making a positive impression
Would actually like some advice on this

Delegate

>make myself some hot coffe
>wait until it's cold before drinking it
MOM WAS FREAKING OUT THAT DAY

Gay

How will oral sex help?

>positive impression
Literally who gives a fuck

You think that time you were gay made you the Joker?

>set alarm in the morning
>dont get up when its ringing

>go to get a cup from the cabinet
>knock over most of the other cups in the process
>leave them on their sides
PULL PULL PULL MY DEVIL TRIGGER

This was the kind of shit that put me off coming here around 2010/11. Thank god things have changed.

yeah but you keep pressing it fast and it keeps dinging, annoying everyone on the bus

>take a big nasty shit in a public washroom toilet
>dont flush

>take some ground coffee
>put in a cup
>pour hot water over it
>it's not instant coffee, I was supposed to filter it
>I knew this ahead of time
>there's coffee grounds in the coffee now
YOU TRIED SO HARD
AND GOT SO FAR
BUT IN THE END
IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER

Wow, now that's epic

>ask someone if i can borrow their pen
>never return it
LOCK ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY

Attached: 64aIfV2.jpg (600x872, 78K)

>get own by a fag in a thread
>continue posting by pretending to be the user who owned me by shitting on my own post
YOU CAN'T STOP ME FAGMAN HAHAHA

>tell mom I'm still in university
>actually drop out and am a NEET
EVERYBODY EVERYBODY EVERYBODY FUCKS

I have never in my life encountered an 10 dog pack
only 8 and 5

>not taking a dumg in the sink

>Set my clock forward before going to bed instead of waking up at two

>In a small public bathroom
>See some guy taking a shit in one of the stalls
>Turn the lights off when I leave

>go to store
>bring plastic bag
>open high end instant coffe in store
>put coffee in bag
>open shitty generic store brand instant coffe
>put shit coffee in high end container
>put high end coffee from bag into shitty store brand container
>laugh like a madman on my way out the store
>give dirty bag to cashier
>"mayo marinara mutherfucker"

>flag down bus
>ask driver if bus goes to X
>driver says it only goes as far as Y
>call driver a pussyhole
>turn 360 degrees and walk away
trololololololololol

>walk past a street crossing
>press the button for the stop light
>walk away

THEY CALL ME CUBAN PETE

youtube.com/watch?v=LYjqm9HIGtQ

Attached: fag.gif (500x200, 1.9M)

>not feliny
one job user

>get spotted by store security
>intercepted while trying to leave
>get taken to the back office
>made to pay for both jars
>banned from coming back
haha epic

>doing this near where you live
???

>on a plane
>stewardess tells me to turn on the airplane mode
>i don't
>plane explodes

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

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How many levels of irony is this post?

>get approached by a smoker
>"hey man got a light?"
>"yeah no problem!"
>pretend to look for a light, taking an insane amount of time
>"sorry man, i must've forgotten it"
>i don't even smoke, i have asthma

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

>working at a store
>recommend product
>say I own a similar one
>I don't

DAMAGED

>get paid overtime
>work 3 extra hours
>only write my regular hours on timesheet

I BREATHE IT OUT DIG IT DEEPER JUST TO THROW IT AWAY

>come to joker thread
>post stories about being a zoomer instead

MADNESS IS THE GIFT THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME

>go to shady part of town
>write friend's number on a washroom stall with girly handwriting claiming to be a sexy twink looking for BBC
Lmao

Based. Fuck smokers.

>>flag down bus
>>ask driver if bus goes to X
>>driver says it only goes as far as Y
>>call driver a pussyhole
>>turn 360 degrees and walk away

So you walk onto the bus?

>emailing coworker
>Start the email straight to the point without even a "good morning"
I DID MY TIME AND I WANT OUT

> Call ex-GF a few weeks after she dumps you
> Tell her you have an STD

>see famous meme about saying something wrong
>pretend to misunderstand meme
>actually know it

KUMBAYAH MY LORD KUMBAYAH

No, I turned 360 degrees. That means I walked away.

>NIGGERS
I'm da jo9gger baby

> Fuck a fat girl

> (You)
>No, I turned 360 degrees. That means I walked away.

I get it! You had your back turned to the bus driver the whole time! SAVAGE

>put dog poop in my cousins shoe
>i blame it on the dog

I HEAR THE DRUMS ECHOING TONIGHT

Attached: why-u-leavin-kfc (1).jpg (600x450, 76K)

Hiding in plain sight. Delightfully devilish, user.

>use public restroom and poop in toilet
>scoops the poop out with a shovel and fling it across the room so it splatters all over

>Jerk off to tranny porn all day
>Tell wife I have "tummy issues" when she wants sex

This one is good

I saw that once and always wonder what kind of person would do such a thing

>>only snap each other
what does it mean?

>go to grocery store
>use self checkout
>scan each item twice

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES

How did you snip the end of the poop off without your scissors?

>go to Burger King and order meal
>grab a handful of ketchup sachets
>use 1 and bin the rest
RAINING BLOOD THROUGH A LACERATED SKY

>couples night
>go to cinema alone

Attached: 1540501588057.png (1000x1000, 177K)

>take 15 minute lunch break
>leave work half an hour early
SHEPHERD OF FIIIIIRRRREEE

>it's lunch time
>go to the kitchen and open the cooking pot to taste a little and see if I'll like it
>I taste the food more than once with the same spoon

YOU LOCK THE DOOR AND THROW AWAY THE KEY

Maybe he just wiggled like a caveman.

>user trolls my post
>still inform him that I was referring to Snapchat
I’M A LONELY BOY I’M A LONELY BOY

>go to ihop
>ask for coffee with cream
>they bring me a bowl full of creamer packets
>pocket the creamers instead
I CAN'T BE STOPPED!

>be in online chat
>someone types in chink symblos
>reply "ching chong nip hong"
A WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS A WORD

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>working for the CIA
>interrogating prisoners on a flying plane
>pretend to shoot them and throwing them out, just to scare and confuse the others
SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME

>pick up sushi to go
>get home
>immediately pull out a silverware and start eating
I''M RUSTED FROM THE RAIN

>go into thread
>post the n word
>quickly close thread and never go back
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY

Based

reddit thread

>watch I am jazz on YouTube
>comment that she’s a stunning and brave man for cutting his dick off
LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

>go in thread
>write 3 kind of posts: over-the-top SJW, over-the-top /pol/ and coolheaded
>never write what I really think or believe
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book
But the pages all are torn and frayed

hate hate hate
that's all you have to give?

>homeless man asks for money
>drop coins in his empty pizza box
>they were actually the fucks I dont give

GHOOOST RIDERS IN THE SKY

>go to local hardcore show
>intentionally push someone down in the confusion of the moshpit
>help the same person back up to look like a good person
GET THIS OR DIE

Lost

>cat is meowing because he's hungry
>Just shake the food container so he thinks I filled up his bowl but I didn't really
INSIDE MY SHELL I WAIT AND BLEED

>go to a "Time's you acted like the Joker" thread
>make things up instead of talking about the actual times I acted like the Joker so the cops won't be able to track me
THE CAT IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON
LITTLE BOY BLUE AND THE MAN ON THE MOON

I do this too, fuck seeding

>in the

>thought about saying the N-word
SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE

>he doesn't use a mold and his own shit to make dry feces coins to give homeless people
>give feces coin
>hang around the corner
>bum doesn't understand what they are since they don't smell
>they put it in their mouth to taste it for some reason. Always
THE OCEAN SWELL IS THE BLOOD OF MY LONELY HEARTACHE

>go to NHL game
>already wasted before the game starts, too drunk to think rationally
>don't take my hat off for the national anthem
>"user if this were the U.S. they'd kick your ass for that!"
DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME

I shitpost anti-/pol/ bullshit and then respond with pro-/pol/ bullshit in the same thread. If I'm feeling extra spicy, I'll respond again with anti-boogeyman bullshit in the same thread. I'll also deliberately use "reddit spacing" to annoy people.

Attached: 1402587742150.jpg (887x1097, 77K)

Based

youtube.com/watch?v=4BQZNuBBg4s

>at the garden of a party house
>a girl starts smoking right next to me
>start coughing like if I had a medical condition
>worried, she stops smoking
>I don't even have a medical condition
OOOH WA HA HA

It is actually important in non minimum wage jobs

>eat fries alone in corner of restaurant
>exit grinning knowing my devlish plan is in place for the next stranger who salts their fries
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HEATHENS, TAKE IT SLOW

>buy a pre built pc from best buy
SOMETIMES I GIVE MYSELF THE CREEPS

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>vision goes to shit after wasting all day in front of the screen
>don't go see a doctor
GOTTA GET BACK IN BLACK IT COULD BE A PAYBACK

Attached: 1551902591676.png (375x385, 8K)

Ouch

purple lamborghini lurking

>call others “redditors”
>have a reddit accout myself
GOTTA CUT LOOSE FOOTLOOSE KICK OFF YOUR SUNDAY SHOES

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>tell mom I have worms
>she comes and spreads my cheeks to look
>blow hot fart in her face like an air cannon

>go to Europe on vacation
>tell everyone I’m Canadian
>I’m actually American
ONE SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE

>be 10
>tell mom I’m sick
>I’m actually 100% healthy and trying to get out of school
>she tells me to stay in bed while she goes to the store to get me some soup
>play video games when she leaves
IM DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS

>I promised myself I'd commit sudoku today
>too coward to do it
JUNGLE WELMCOME TO THE JUNGLE

>teacher says to use a #2 pencil
>use a B2 pencil instead

I fucking love this

I'M A FREAK
I'M A WEIRDO
WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

It means they yell at each other and have little patience.

> Washed hair.
> Didn't re-rinse if necessary.

Attached: 1541244891218.gif (681x603, 198K)

>big bad snow storm
>cars getting stuck left and right
>run stop signs and red lights to avoid sinking into snow
OOOOOH IT'S A KILLING MACHINE

>Play GTA
>Observe the traffic rules and don't speed
GOODBYE MR A

>playing GTA Online with homie
>play golf for 4 hours
SLOW DEATH, IMMENSE DECAY

>pay to see movie
>keep my eyes closed the entire movie

A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, LMNOP

>walking down a path
>realise that i'm going the wrong way
>keep walking in the same direction instead of suddenly turning around in public
ALL THE SMALL THINGS

>about to leave a store
>realize the automatic doors are one-way only and to leave you need to past the cash register
>I'd already paid and just walked in the wrong direction
>nobody else in the store so it'd be awkward
>go look at fucking vacuum cleaners instead
>clerk comes by and asks if I need help
>tell him I'm looking for a cleaner for my dad with a bad back
>he gives me a 15-minute introduction and sales pitch
>see people have gone to the register
>tell him I'm travelling by bus and can't buy it now but that I'll be back
>leave
>don't come back
FINISHED WITH MY WOMAN

>accidentally pee on the toilet seat
>don’t wipe it off
JOHNNY ROSIN UP YOUR BOW AND PLAY YOUR FIDDLE HARD

fucking kek

>roastie wants sex
>pull out condom
>"user I'm on birth control you don't need that"
>wear condom anyway

Attached: 1533055733915.jpg (176x217, 13K)

>pee on the seat
>notice later
>it's all dried up in these specks
>lick the seat clean while pretending Veronica used it
YOU AND I ARE BEAUTIFUL LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY

Newest of fags

>server tells me to have a nice day
>I don't
OOOVER THE CASTLE ON THE HILLS

9/10

>respecting mods & janitors for the integral duties they perform
I. AM. A. CRIM-IN-AL.

>post a greentext story
>no responses
>invent another one
>still no bites
>keep going until someone gives me a (you)
YOU TAKE MY LIFE BUT I'LL TAKE YOURS TOO

>someone on forum needs help
>necro thread by posting the answer
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HEATHENS TAKE IT SLOW

>having sex with gf
>she tells me to cum in her
>actually pull out and cum all over her back
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE A PLASTIC BAG

Attached: D18615F4-1421-4C79-8A9D-A36419E18BA8.jpg (808x882, 111K)

>Get in fight
>get dude on the floor in a doorframe
>Smack door into him multiple times
Dude breathed funny and broke a couple of rips. I got suspended for a short duration but could pull the blame on new anxiety meds I got 2 days prior. That behavior was very much out of character for me and I felt very bad about it. I and him stopped talking for the last 3 years of highschool and I avoided being with him in the same room.

>Watching 'Scarface'
>I don't sing along when 'Push it to the limit' comes on

SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE BAD MAN

>See “Thank you for not smoking” sign
>bust out the vape and blow some phat plumes

FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TOLD ME

>faggot throws my open pencil case on the floor
>taunts me as I pick up my shit
>grab pencil from the floor, hold his hand on the desk and stab him as hard as I can in the hand, breaking the point inside
I THINK I SEE AN ALTERED BEAST INSIDE ME

>Bread has a twist tie
>Knot the bag up when I'm done and throw away the tie

I THINK MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE BECAUSE
YOU WERE NEVER REALLY REAL TO BEGIN WITH

>don't work
>don't do anything really
>afk at my computer for 18 hours
>go to sleep
>repeat

glad I make enough money to make this feasible but god damn what am I doing with my lfie

>i spend hour at walmorns shopping putting shit in cart from every corner of store.
>get to cashiers line, long ass lines of fatasses and old people
>started at 10th place in back now 2nd next to cashier.
>put alot of random shit on cashier shelf, half of cart.
>tell rando behind me 'whoops forgot something be right back '
>wander around and leave store by other exit
ALL IN ALL IS ALLL WE ARE
ALL IN ALL IS ALL WE ARE
ALLL IN ALLL IS ALL WE ARE

The funny thing is I always had these compulsive thoughts of pulling shit like that but I would never follow them except apparently when my brain chemistry is altered.

>go to public restroom
>find that the seat is filthy
>take toilet paper and wipe it down
>throw the dirty toilet paper onto the toilet, not in it
TELL MY MOTHER TELL MY FATHER

>Get in one little fight
>mom gets scared and sends me to Bel Air
WICKY WILD WILD WEST

>scrolling through posts in thread
>"reply to this post or your mother will die in her sleep"
>keep scrolling without replying
SO WHAT IF YOU CAN SEE,
THE DARKEST SIDE OF ME?
NO ONE WOULD CHANGE THIS AMIMAL I HAVE BECOME

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>Am Bong at shop, scanning food on self checkout.
>Place every item directly on scales.
>Finish and pay
>Grab a few 10p bags for FREE to take items in.

PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA BUY

PEPPERONI AND GREEN PEPPERS MUSHROOMS OLIVE CHIVES

>rinse out a dirty bottle at a water fountain
>shake the bottle dry
>hear the water left in it jump out and splatter on the floor
>smile and continue
WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU’LL SEE HIS TOUCH

>try make a funny post for (you)s
>remember I'm not funny
I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

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>Waiter asks if I want any water
>tell them no
>Go to the bathroom and drink water from the sink
THE GAME OF LIFE IS HARD TO PLAY
I'M GONNA LOSE IT ANYWAY

Based and darkpilled

>get payed to shit on captain marvel on Yea Forums
I AM THE BOSS MAN

Unbelievably based

wtf brah

>girl sucks my dick and asks me to fuck her
>get erectyle dysfunction instead
ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI

>cross the street
>press the pedestrian crossing button as I walk away
>no one else needed to cross the street, all vehicles now have to wait for the light to turn green again

LOOK AT ME-
LOOK AT ME.
IM THE CAPTAIN NOW

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>long queue in mcdonalds waiting for food
>server calls out a number that's not mine
>take it anyway and walk out
>end up with a meal I didn't want and that cost far less than I paid for

IN THE TOWWWWWN WHERE I WAS BORN

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Performance anxiety, happened to me too ;_; imma stock up on some viagra like an old man I would rather die than have it happen again. Had a chance to have sec after 5 years and I blew it

>have another chance with same girl a few weeks later
>10 days nofap
>viagra
>porn on the tv
>ate her out for a few minutes
>still didnt fuck
I CLOSE MY EYES AND SEIZE IT I CLENCH MY FIST AND BEAT IT

hah same, only got laid twice and both times I ended up getting soft while fucking (bj was great though). I won't claim that deathgrip fapping and porn addiction wasn't a factor

The second girl said Im a really sweet guy but she needs someone with [sexual] experience because she's almost a nympho but has a hard time cumming...haha it doesn't hurt bros haha everything will be alright

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>put nair on balls
>leave it on twice as long as directed

in what kind of country do you have to pay for using a shopping cart? sounds as dumb as tv license

>don’t buy family Christmas gifts
>just add my name to the tag of presents that were mailed in from family out of state so it looks like I chipped in

I CRY WHEN ANGELS DESERVE TO DIE

No its not what you think
let me give you a little explanation of how it works
>go to shopping cart
>place coin in shopping cart
>go about your business
>go back to the place you found the shopping cart
>you will now see a key for the shopping cart
>place key into shopping cart
>coin gets ejected and you can use it again
its to prevent people from stealing the shopping carts and just throwing them in a ditch or something.

>my mom asks me to feed the dog
>i slit its fucking throat
OOPS I DID IT AGAIN

£1 for a shopping trolley is a pretty good deal when you think about it

You could even just smash the box at home and get your money back if you were that bothered

It's a pretty dumb incentive to not steal, but apparently it works:
>I was gonna steal this shopping cart...but
>ohh nooo I already invested $0.25 into this, if I steal the cart I'll never get my quarter back
>better be a good law abiding citizen and return this cart, instead of doing some quick maths and realizing I can sell this for more than $0.25
nogg mentality

fuck you cunt made me yawm

so you put 0.50$ in the cart place so that if you dont bring it back they keep 0.50$? Never seen that lmao is that in cities with lot of blacks?

its to make people actually put the carts back in 1 spot instead of leaving them in the middle of the parking lot

This lol everyone else seems to be retarded

Smajlεks Kömeršöl
SIKЯYT ỸNGЯĪDIONT
>Lʌv Ðæt Ďowkör
BЯÆND X

>Put Δn Æ Hæpi Fejs

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Best one

>promise self id get gf at start of 2019
>its already halfway through march, still no gf
NIGGAS IFFY UH BLICKY GOT THE STIFFY UH

>At a restaurant with my class
>Steal a French Fry from a customer

DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME

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fuck I did this today because a cute girl was behind me and had to walk almost thrice the original distance around the campus

ok this one was pretty good

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lol she knew the whole time

Okay, I'm all for joking around but you, sir, have gone TOO FAR

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>girl basically asks me for date
>go hang out with oneitis instead
ONLY THE DEAD CAN KNOW PEACE

Attached: 1538216121924.jpg (487x423, 6K)

>Dowg Яʌnor

Waw
Sʌč waw
Ol dhowz mīmz
Wyl bi lost
Yn tajm
Lajk tirz
Yn rejn
Waw

>Blejd Яʌnor

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You're right user

>jackin it on a playground
>at night

>Ask a short man for directions somewhere
>say ”Thanks big guy”

CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON