So how would Hank Hill do if he was the one to marry Rose Quartz and have Steven as a son?

Probably just tell Steven to not hurt anyone, which given his nature, he'll probably wimp out too much and need a peptalk to score one last touchdown.

Something like this.

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Their son is Steven-Bobby Hill?

Just Steven Hill.

Hank would probably not mind naming his son Steven.

Fucking Gold, I love it!

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>Instead of meeting at a concert, meet when Rose sneaks into town to watch a football game.
>She catches Hanks eye after the game-winning touchdown and he's so smitten he doesn't pay attention and gets sacked and breaks his ankle.
>Rose feels terrible about it and brings him back to the temple to try and heal his injury
>Hank falls in love, stays in Beach City after graduating, gets job at a local propane store when needs to start making a living, etc.
>His favorite way to spend time with Steven is to have a game of catch on the beach or up at the barn
>Steven wonders what it would be like to play with his mom

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Wholesome

Nice

It's Hank Hill drawn in SU style, bro

>Hank is terrible at showing emotion in front of Steven
>Whenever reminders of Rose comes up he complains about his "old football injury acting up" and excuses himself.

I don't think this image is an accurate rep of what Hank would look like in the SU style.

>Hank just being unable to function when Blue takes him to the Human Zoo and he has to wear the outfit
>Hank dealing with Steven being taken in I Am My Mom

Maybe not.

>Hank likes Garnet, he can stand next to her and make small talk and drink
>Uneasy around Pearl, she is too neat freaky for him but he appreciates how organized she is. Upset at her for being crazy around Steven
>Does not like Amethyst. The only thing he appreciates is she eats his steaks when he (extremely rarely) messes them up.
>The cat fingers episode, except when Steven shows Hank he goes
>BWUUUUUUUUUAHHHHHHH

How would Hank deal with finding out what Rose did in the past?

He wouldn't be fat, for one. At least no more than a slight beer gut. He'd probably have a build closer to Fryman or something.

Well he forgave Peggy for lying to him about being a virgin when they met, so I guess he can forgive Rose?

Stan is now Steven's father.
What changes?

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>Stan gives Steven a fucking Glock as his birthday present

>Steven is more assertive because of his dad's influence
>Still prefers to talk things out wirh adversaries, but he's not shy about "kicking their ass" if it comes down to it
>Prefers to appeal to people's practical sensibilities rather than their emotions.
>the gems must teach him to open up more
You don't even have to change Connie's name

There’s being a nonvirgin and there’s also being a war criminal. Then again, he loves Cotton so who knows?
Stan does like singing and dancing

I'm sure he'd be upset, but would just crack a beer in the alley and stand in the sunset for a while with ladybird. He'd be way more upset that Steven has to deal with all the awful stuff she did, and would attempt to step in to help a lot more than he did in the past. The thing he'd be the most mad about is lying, if anything. I'm sure he'd get why she did what she did, it is just that the lying to her old comrades irks him.

>*sips* So, uh, Garnet, how'd the, uh, mission go?
>>The Pufferfish is a maelstrom of death! Destruction follows wherever it goes! We were fortunate to contain it quickly after it escaped it's bubble!
>... huh. Yeah, I suppose that's how these things go sometimes. *sips*

>Oh come on, Steve! Quit trying to reason with her and pull the damn trigger!
>All you're gonna do is make that pink cartoon think humans are a bunch of communists!
>is that what you want us to be, Steve? Communists?
>Go ahead and letnher blow the planet up, by all means!

Cotton's not much of a warcriminal, what happened to HIM was a warcrime. All fitty of Cotton's kills were in combat if we are to believe him.

Steven would die of cancer and reincarnate as Sans

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This makes me wonder, how would he try and help Steven? And what kind of advices would he give him?

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I’m pretty sure he has Nazi scalps.

He was never in Germany.

>”Dangit Ladybird. It’s just not right. I knew Rose was a free spirit but I never expected this. Steven’s my boy, I’m supposed to protect him, how am I supposed to protect him from all this space nonsense?”
>Ladybird stares at Hank blankly
>”Sorry, Ladybird, I shouldn’t be putting all this on you. Lord knows you’ve always given me strength these years.”

>"Dad what do I do about those t shirts Buck is handing out?"
>"Steven you need to walk right up to Buck and tell him politely yet firmly to stop. And if that doesn't work, well some problems can only be solved by kicking some ass"

>Pearl what the- gat'dang it, did you move my golf clubs again?
>>Did I organize your haphazard possessions? Yes, of course! I don't know how you could even face a room in such disarra-
>And what in the hell did you do with my beer?
>>Blegh, I took the liberty of disposing of it for you, you're quite welcome. It was clearly expired, if you bothered to smell that swill.

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What a shame, Cotton and Rose would have probably gotten along famously

BAAAHHHH!

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That, and he also mentioned having to gun down 50 Japanese soldiers (who we also know to very likely to be war criminals themselves), which given his memory of being locked in a cage, couldn't have happened except in battle.

>"Heh heh, Amethyst, it was good watching Lil Butler with you but I need to be with Steven"
>*amethyst shapeshifts into rose*
>"bwaah! Amethyst you went too got dang far! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

What would their fusion be like? John Wayne/Tom Landry-ish?

... a manager.

>Now where's my... Gad'dang it, STEVEN!
>>What's wrong, dad?
>There was a whole case a' beer in this fridge last night, wuhat'n the hell happened to it?
>>Beats me! You know I'd never drink your stuff.
>Well, then who's ass do I need to...
>Amythest?
>Oh, you know, probably. She loves that stuff for some reason.

>Amethyst trying to get Steven to drink and Pearl reprimanding her
>Pearl catching Steven smoking

Easy

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>Pearl makes him smoke the whole pack.
>Hank catches them and freaks out

Switch them around

>"-And it's absolutely terrible for your health! Now, you go to your room and wait for your fath- I mean, Hank to get home!"
>Slips out to the back porch and finishes half the pack as soon as Steven's door closes.
>"Why do I keep slipping up like that?..."

>Pearl asking Hank for a beer after Rose's scabbard
>Having never seen her ask for one before, hands her one unsteadily
>Pearl downs it instantly, then passes out

I'm thinking more Johnny Cash

Pearl would be getting a good dick I tell you w'hut.

Would Hank be the type to be able to move on?

Well, I'll make an edit of Fryman as Hank then.

Yes. Hank is the type to move on. Honestly, Pearl and Peggy are kind of like except Pearl isn't a sociopath.

>Boomhauer is the local police officer (as he was a Texas ranger in Koth)
>Dale helps exterminates not just bugs, but corrupted gem monsters too. Gets all the credit for the CGs and is well off
>Bill is just a barber in the town, eats a lot at Fryman's and Kofi's

Lightweight pearl is best pearl
>sharing a beer or two over dinner after a particularly tense battle.
>hank does his best to comfort her through her fits of frustration, self doubt, anxiety, and anger
>helps her to the couch for some hopefully calming television
>unexpectedly, she increasingly clings to his side through the boring documentary on transatlantic trade
>her head comes to rest on his shoulder
>her eyes finally meet his
>"...Hank?"
>"Uh, yeah Pearl?" He asks with a meek smile.
>"Thank you." Her head falls to his chest as she passes out.
>He remains there till morning, eyes fixed on informercials as he struggles to keep them off her

It'd take some time, sure. But they'd probably grow close over their shared adoration and love of Steven. It'd be almost inevitable that they'd come to love one another.
kinda like another guy I know

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>Implying Bill never left the army, seeing as he need for soldiers was at an all time high
>Implying Bill isn't the head of a militia group based around resisting hostile gems using integrated gem technology

How about Carl?

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it's just like his relationship with Bobby, but worse, heck seeing Steven in a pink shirt would set him off.

Nah

OKAY
HEAR ME OUT
STEVEN+GREG=STEG
SO THEREFORE
STEVEN+HANK=STANK

>Gems just straight up file for custody while Steven is still a baby.
>They easily win because Carl doesn't even bother showing up to court.

he's already Steven's uncle.

Roger is Rose, Pink and Steven

>he wouldn't be fat
Pal- he was fat in KoTH, his obesity and sedentary lifestyle literally made his ass muscles atrophy away until he had to sit on an inflatable donut.

Hank was not obese, just had a beer gut

>Cotton becomes more and more pleased with Rose and Steven the more he finds out
>up until it's revealed that Rose was pink Diamond
>tears up and asks what he would be expected to do if FDR was the Tojo all along

With a BMI of 28, Hank is at the upper end of overweight and coming close to obese.
>just had a beer gut
Weight that settles around the midsection is often symptomatic of some of the most serious weight gain- fat collected around the internal organs. Beer guts are bad, bad news.

Perfect user, just perfect

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this is the dumb shit that makes me laugh

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>Using BMI to measure obesity
Someone sure is obsessed with weight

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Let's be honest, Frylock would be his father by default

Solution: Hank is forced to abandon his sedentary lifestyle to be there for his son not just emotionally but physically.
>If some little girl can do it got dang I can do it too

What weapon does hank have?

The only info we have about Hank's weight is his height, weight, and the odd episode that hints that he has common health problems experienced among the overweight/obese.
>Someone sure is obsessed with weight
If we want to talk about me specifically, I am currently battling obesity and have lost thirty pounds since mid June. Hopefully I can overcome an issue that's plagued several generations of my family, have a happy healthy end of my life, and pass good habits onto my children.

Nine Iron

Sturdier than an umbrella

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This. But it would be possible episodes about Steven visiting Carl
>Once in a time, Carl is allowed to see his son Steven
>Steven sees his father again and wants to spend time with him, but Carl rather wants to drink and talk about how how Pearl is
>After he's extremely annoyed by him, he tries to "bond" with Steven, but their interests don't match that much; Carl thinks Steven is a sissy and goes watching TV
>The Aqua Teens arrive and see Steven, they find out about his powers and screw around with them
>Due to some shenanigans, Shake almost dies. Steven kisses him and he's healed. After realizing this, Shake continuously does fatal stunts to just be healed by Steven
>Carl looks for Steven after the Gems called and sees him kissing Shake
>He tells them that nothing's fine and that they should get him away from him as soon as possible

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I mean we are on Yea Forums, it was an cheap insult, but I'm glad you're working on it. As you know, BMI is a general guide, but it doesn't account for muscle mass and the like. But genuinely good for you, hope it goes well.
But Hank is not obese, man. Flabby maybe, but beer gut is as far as I would say it is.

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You can do this, user.

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They replace the Crystal Gems. How does it go?

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These combined.
>Guitar is also a machine gun

Steven is like another Meatwad or he dies.

Hank can’t shoot.

>Frylock is a mix of Garnet and Pearl; tries to raise Steven well, but tends to use Steven for his own goals when necessary; cries about Rose not being there anymore when he's alone
>Meatwad is the goofy/childish side of Amethyst; wants to have fun with Steven, but is too childish to raise him properly/function as an adult figure
>Shake is if Amethyst threw out her moral compass and care; fully abuses Steven for his own goals and pleasure, Frylock and Meatwad must often intervene to protect Steven

based

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Bill is too much of a wreck after Lenore. But he might not've met her if he decided to be stationed near Beach City so he could hang out with Hank.

He canonically learns to because of his love for bobby. I'm sure he'd do the same for Steven

>Hank having a solo song after learning to sing for Steven

It's freaking adorable to imagine Steven losing his patience with some of the villains (or even just townies) and shouting "that's it! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Steven destroys the Diamonds with the power of Propane

Fantastic.

Boomhauer actually doesn't work for the Texas Rangers anymore, user. It was referenced in a earlier episode that he got loads of money from workers compensation for an accident and now just spends his days at home banging chicks, watching TV, and drinking with his friends.

>
... you fuckin serious? I thought it was a birth defect.

Wait why does he still have the badge then? Do they not make you surrender it if you leave them?

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STEVEN+HANK=SHANK

>Jasper beats all the Crystal Gems on arrival
>Steven is alone as she gets towards him
>Steven kicks her in the cooter while shouting "THAT'S MY PURSE!"

Depends. Some police forces make you turn in your badge and you get an ID card for your service (Like the NYPD). Some places let you keep the badge. Officers who do have to turn in their badge sometimes get duplicate badges with their official ID Card.

I don't know about the Rangers though.

>the best part is that through superstrength, it actually poofs jasper.

>This, Steven, is the belt-line. You never, ever hit below that. Always above. Never below.
>>Unless it's a gem?
>Unless it's a gem.

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Huh. Interesting.

Guess he'll just sleep with every tourist girl who comes along, get used as a bad example by Pearl, and then get heartbroken by some other girl and become a better person

That's a clean burnin' Homeworld, I tell you h'what.

>Obligatory Bill episode
>Steven attempts to cheer him up
>Well, thanks for trying anyway, Steven. Sometimes you just can't fix everything with a song.

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I'm pretty sure this is an episode where Bill is a good singer and he almost goes to prison to sing with the group instead of doing his Army thing.

How would the gems behave with Luanne and Lucky?
I can imagine the episode where they try forcing Lucky into a hospital but with the gems helping Hank and co.
Lol ml

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>Steven with a light texas drawl
>using his dad's old fashioned mannerisms
>excellent work ethic and tough as nails in confrontation
Is it bad that I want this Steven instead of the original

The secret backstory of Steven After Not Surviving.

I remember it being him joining a men's chorus and the strict scheduling for practice and performances putting him at risk of being discharged.

>Boomhauer got with Vidalia instead of Marty
>SC and Onion are both his kids
>Onion inherited his incomprehensibility

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Hank and Greg are the only really good dads in cartoons I can think of

Flanders?

Is this from Hotdiggitydemon? 'Cause it looks familiar...

Bob Belcher?

Nah it's this guy.
He made the fan episode and then went dead for about a year.

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How have I never seen this before lmao

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I think the most interesting thing is that Hank might have a bigger social circle like this and also be a lot more active than Greg. Hank would be slower to let Steven go on adventures and definitely not tolerate just sitting by when things are in danger.

>CG and Steven are in a bit of a jam
>Shotgun blasts out of nowhere
>"Ever heard of the 'slamfire function'? it's a real beaut of a feature on a Winchester 1897 model."

>Hank giving Connie shooting lessons
>Stevonnie using the shield as a pavise and a sniper rifle as her main weapon

>hank hill and the alley crew providing covering fire for Steven and the CG
>"Damn it, this thing just ain't stopping!"
>Cotton Hill waddles past the group, carrying a burlap sack full of grenades
>"Come on, ya sissies! Gonna let a buncha' WOMEN take point??"

>Dale throwing pocket sand at Blue Diamond's face when she picks him up

>Over the years Stan graduates from his glock to larger arms and finally finding a gun capable of poofing most common gems
>Steven is still the bleeding heart he is despite Stan's efforts to make him harder
>Almost every instance of Steven talking down a gem ends with Stan literally cheapshotting them from an unseen vantage then smashing the poofed gem with a hammer.
>Steven both loves his dad but is horribly traumatized by him
>Same as the crystal gems, which he deeply mistrusts but will tolerate because Rose
>Steven's middle name is still Anita.

He's about 50/50 really funny or hyper cringe.
Expressions are always good though.

A quick GIS turns up a couple of images

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I could see Amethyst and Pearl connecting with Bill and making him a better person (after he mistakenly thinks they are in love with him a few times).

Stan is such a hero

>throwing the ground up remains of your enemy's people into their fucking face
Holy shit, Dale's a god damned animal

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best one he made

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But picture this: Steven turning Cotton Pink when he dies.

>'Good God! I'm pink!! Looks like Satan has a sense of humor"

>”Why can’t you be more like your boy, BH?! His blubbering actually does something!”

I don't watch KotH or Steven Universe so I don't know if having a stone for a bellybutton changes Bobby Hill or if Bobby Hill changes the Steven Universe wprld. What are either of these cartoons like for long time viewers? I have seen maybe 3 episodes of KotH a decade ago and watched one Steven Universe episode about a mascot costume coming to life.

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>Fuse with me Connie, I'm your little Diamond Booooy

>When I'm dead, I want that skinny rock that's always eyein my boy up to lop off my head and send it straight to the diamonds
>make sure ya put some worms in my mouth

Important question, would steven still be steven or would he be replaced with Bobby with Pink's gem in his belly button?

Hank would've met Rose, had a baby with her, he'd be Steven's dad and likely keep him named Steven out of love for Rose, rather than naming him Bobby.

I think Steven and Bobby would be great friends. Honestly Bobby would get along with everyone at beach city, maybe even more than Steven.

>Steven popping out of Cotton's hair in the middle of the night.

You want Steven to be a proud Texan user. Of course not.

>Cotton shatters 50 Gems

Dale doesn't fuck around.

>Bill getting with Blue after bonding over crying

>"Hank, I got married to Blue! Now we're brothers!"
>"Got dangit Bill, I am not your brother!"

This is my new crackship holy shit

He'd probably be pretty pissed that you can't scalp them

I missread this and thought it was a joke about fusions being an allegory for sex when I saw the word Steg and thought Steven just fucked his dad on that bed

Unless somethings changed IIRC Flanders secretly hates his kids a little bit and kinda wishes Bart was his son instead.

I mean when you think about it he did.

...Not that I don't want Luanne around, but how would this work? She was Peggy's niece, and Peggy ain't around for this.

Would she be, like, I dunno an orphan that Rose adopted with Hank before they had an actual kid and Hank?

>No scalps, no ears, no fingers, not even a tooth. All that's left is shiny rocks. A necklace ain't no place for gemstones.

>Dale becoming convinced this has been Gemkind’s plan all to take all the strong men of Earth and Bill for themselves

Would that make Luanne a Gem?Is she Pearl?

This is objectively the best crack ship, I swear to God...

>Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer drinking beer with the Diamonds.

I want to see that.

Nah.

>Luanne's middle name is Nora.

>She was always running away from home and hung out with the CGs while Rose was courting Hank; they kept her safe and give her the support Luanne needs, but Hank has to occaisionally be a backseat driver to help the CGs when they encounter "human" problems Gems wouldn't immediately grasp. Whacky hijinks ensue.

>Rose dies, Luanne's actual family dies/goes to Jail and a put-out Hank officially adopts her/ foster parents her/ invites her to live in the temple house/ whatever out of respect for Rose's memory after Luanne has a breakdown.

>She's a bit flighty and Hank's still not quite sure of how to handle her, but turns out she's a savant when it comes to using Gem tech and ends up hanging out with Peridot, fixing whole spaceships or limb enhancers and shit, but of course still wants to be a hairdresser or something and dumbfounds all the gems who realize she repaired a laser light canon or whatever...

>So are you from Mars or Venus?
>We're from Homeworks, a planet far far away from your solar system

Would Dale's family still be around? Nancy fears Jasper having an affair with Dale

Would John Redcorn even be around? I recall an episode where Redcorn had a dispute over land for his tribe, and his tribe is in Texas, far away from Beach City

Replace Nancy with Vidalia, and her two sons. Apart from being chummy with Amethyst she remains blissfully or purposely ignorant of all the gem shenanigans going on.

Dale, of course, remains unaware that the music producer John Redcorn is Sour cream's father but in a later revealed twist, Onion actually *is* Dale's kid just to give the poor guy a win.

Well you gotta remember geography is a bit different in SU

F for Siberia

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Naw man, Hank and the others have a football game in Beach City where he meets Rose. Boomhauer meets Vidalia, the latest girl in a string of lovers. They hit it off, Vidalia gets preggo, Boomhauer decides to stay as a cop in Beach City since Vidalia wants to stay. Hank decides to stay too, to woo Rose. This causes the other two to stay as well, Bill and Dale do some other hijinks.

That's one thicc brazil

I can see it. Bill moves down after his military stint as well as the failed marriage to rejoin his friends and Dale probably pulls a Ronaldo and *wanted* to stick around, thinking after high school he could become an alien buster or whatever.

I mean i didn't expect a Gundam/Gundam X reference from SU but maybe I should have, they ripped off everything else in anime.

If only Steven could have given him back his shins

Looks like it moved out of Pangaea with a chunk of Africa still attached.

ah shit what did they do now

I can picture it now.
>Giant Injector slowly hovers down, Spinel looks over its side.
>"HEY, ARE YOU STE..."
>BANG
>Spinel doesn't even have time to look shocked before her gem shatters into countless shards, and she instantly vanishes.
>"See son, now aren't you glad I was here? Can you even imagine what she was going to do with that thing?"

Doesn't Stan have a fear of killing, like in that episode where he's revealed to be a killing virgin?

>Gems just keep poofing themselves around him.

He got over it. By now he has killed a hundred people. Whole episode about it. Though they did count that agent he refused to give a organ to even though he was a perfect match.

>Implying gems are people.

They're not humans, but they are people.

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Careful, next you're going to be saying communists are people too.

I imagine he'll react exactly like he did in this episode
youtube.com/watch?v=e-UpNOUDvvc

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Let's do the reverse, Greg hooks up with Peggy. How does Bobby Universe turn out, and would things go in that small town of Arlen?

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Peggy is dead, so great.

>Greg hooks up with Peggy
EWW GOD WHY!?!?

this guy have a place where he dumps his stuff?

To most people he's that weird kinda hippy guy but nice enough guy.
Very supportive of Bobby, it's a bit double edged. Greg will both be supportive enough to see Bobby through anything he wants to follow but at the same time won't discourage him from some embarrassing stuff unless it gets weird and dangerous like the Tarot nerds.
Probably start a band with John Redcorn, they'd probably be good friends. He might even be a good influence on John.

>John talks about all the women he sleeps with
>Greg: Ugh, women are people too John.

No one can resist the Universe

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10/10

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Cheer up Schtu-ball. If every planet were perfect, we wouldn't need Infinity Stones.

Who would throw the better party? Brad or Kevin?

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His name is Rad

Idk, I think that kill where he taps the guy's chest then slams his fist against it to explode his heart, then throws him to the ground and double shoots him is brutal enough for 2 kills.

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I have a hard time even imagining Greg with Peggy, she'd hate living with someone like him.

he pressured bobby into playing sports, and it was only a problem because bobby has a bad attitude and no athletic ability. Steven is super positive about everything and is super athletic for his build. Plus hank likes to teach his son and steven picks things up super quick too.

Hank also wouldnt just let steven move in with the CGs. He'd keep him home and make him go to school. He wouldnt just let the gems do w/e with his son.

Hank was a super clean freak and loved to organize and wear safety equipment. He and Pearl would agree about everything.

Frankly if hank were steven's dad he would have just been taught essentially all the lessons he ends up learning through incident during the show.

He's kind of a less disgusting and sad version of Bill.

Can Steven redeem Hank losing the game?

The best part is that this would absolutely kill Pearl, considering how many hang ups she had about Greg fucking Rose to death.
>Pearl is torn between hating Hank for taking Rose from her, and being attracted to his sensibilities and cleanliness.

I wonder if Hank would have hashed out an problems with Pearl way before they took root, or if its something he'd be oblivious on.
I can already see him getting super duper pissed off if they tried kidnapping Steven like in canon.

They're both so similar that Pearl would have these large bouts of depression wondering why she wasn't good enough.

They're both so similar that Pearl would have even more bouts of depression wondering why she wasn't good enough, just what was the difference.

Actually, speaking of which, how would Hank feel about Gem relationships? Specifically, would his opinion of Garnet change when he realizes she's basically just a walking talking gay relationship?

Fucking gold

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Given that he would know about fusion and probably have at least a good decade to be all Buuuaaaahhh'd out, probably at least used to the Gems being capable of it.

He'd shit a golden egg though after Steven and Connie fuse for the first time though. Kahn probably would too.

Assume he spent time with the gems, he'd probably be taken aback at first, given his upbringing, but would learn to accept it over time, so by the time of canon, its likely something he gets into an argument with his dad over.

Captured each character perfectly. I love it

On dead tumblr.
He's called Sketched Atrocities.

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Well he would have been introduced to it when he was younger and more open minded, I mean he would be dating a shapeshifting alien made out of light. Space gays might not rank that high on weird stuff to him and he might not even get the intimate aspect of it at first. I feel like he would see it as a more mechanical process and would have more trouble recognizing Ruby and Sapphire as separate people and not just parts that go together to make Garnet.

Not as well. As much as I adore Hank, he does have problems admitting when shit's out of his league. He probably would have taken longer to go to the CG and go "so... I don't know what the fuck to do with this kid. He's growing all at the wrong rate, and I'm pretty sure he's got some kind of powers?"

Rose is better than Peggy though. Yes, even with the Pink Diamond revelations. If Peggy had been in Pink's position she would still be ruling as a slavergodqueen.

He'd probably insist on the Gems living with him, and when that doesn't work he'd probably move in with them.

I don't know, Hank struggled with Bobby because he was never really able to relate to him. Once he opened up to Bobby's comedy (even if he didn't always like his humor personally) he became pretty supportive of it. Not to mention Bobby's later-season grilling ability. I think if Hank knew ahead of time that Steven would have gem abilities (and there's no reason to think Rose wouldn't tell him and the CG) that he'd be more open to allowing the only other gems he knows help with Steven.

Plus Steven having powers would probably make him better at sports which is Hank’s strength.

He sweeps up the shards and turns em into sand art.
>That ones made outta that group we ran inta outside mississippi.
>Stinky was the hero of that one, no contest. Never seen the man so happy

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Hank helping the gems find jobs would be so much better as slice of life than the constant townie shit.

You know, Hank can play the guitar if I remember correctly, and Steven'd take to that like a duck to water. Pretty sure he would consequently grow up with a more country, western or blues sound than what we get from the base show.

Huh. Considering Steven's size, age, and even shape might be determined largely by his mental state, I think he'd wind up just... larger. Larger and more visibly imposing.

>Steven, are you eating their fries? I make fries HERE.
>Yeah, but they have "Fry Bits"
>Those are just leftover pieces of fries too small to serve.
>*Mr. Fryman shows up in front of the restaurant*
>Looks like your boy likes MY food better than yours!
>He's eating what you should be throwing out! *Yelling onto the boardwalk* Steven eats garbage!

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>Bob x Rose
It works

brilliant

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But can Bob make Fry Bits?

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...okay, but does this mean Linda isn't in the mix, or is Steven basically a child from an earlier "marriage"? I would love to see Gem interactions with Linda's kids.

He can make the Meatssiah. Fry bits are a waste product. I have no doubt in my mind that in this AU that Steven cleans the fryers specifically to collect his crunchy treats.

To be fair, Bob would probably love them too, he’s pretty easily influenced

Oh shit. Fun thought; how often would Gem adventures interfere with Steven's shifts at the restaurant? How much of a problem would Amethyst be, given her endless appetite? PEARL! All the grease that comes with a grill, she'd likely be shuddering with disgust with every particle that hops off the grill onto her.

Would something like pic-related occur at Bob's Burgers?

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Pearl would probably be a waitress and buser, she'd be excellent at clearing tables, knowing which order goes where, setting tables, etc.

Don't watch Bob's Burgers much so I can't remember if they bring the food to people or if people walk up to the counter to get it.

they would basically be his helpers like his kids / Linda are in the show.
Pearl would take the orders.
Amethyst on the fryer.
Garnet on supply duty due to being big and strong enough to carry a ton.

Yeah they bring it to the counter
Bob might be a little annoyed. Teddy would probably be the one who makes the house considering Bob isn’t handy.

Speaking of H. Jon Benjamin, what if Archer got Rose Quartz pregnant?

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The idea of Gems would change that entire setting. Archer and co. would be dedicated gem hunters... which would lead to plenty of jokes and jabs at how he fucked one to death.
Cue kreiger running experiments on the hybrid kid, hyping it up as the true masterace and wanting continually trying to get the group to hook up with a gem.

Here's a fun one. Hank and friends move to Beach City and Bobby & friends become friends with Steven and Connie

>"Steven, your dad told me to take care of you for today. Now, just follow me to my la-"
>"KRIEGER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH STEVEN"
>"Oh uh, Pearl! Hi there! Just going to play with Steven for a bit"

.... Krieger x Peridot?
Obsessive semi-nazi scientist trying to find a way for his tech savy waifu to survive child bearing?
Maybe secreting away defeated gem shards to grow a hybrid population?
All of which have Aryan features of course

>Krieger's holographic waifu becoming a villain to get Krieger back

Yeah, Hank can play the guitar. That'd be interesting.
>tfw no King of the Universe country rock opera movie.
Eh, I'm okay with that.

>Turns out the holograms and gems can actually fight since gems are just hard light projections.

>it's just Yahoos and Triangles on repeat

I can't really imagine Hank singing about his emotions for more than 5 seconds.

That's coincidentally about how long he sang to Peggie.

Good job, you're going to make it man.

Aren’t you thinking of Lucky?

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If we're bringing in cartoon dads we gotta have good ol Ned Flanders, come on.

>Ned's a pretty good dad over all, but really emphasizes the Bible as a means of coping with Rose's death

>He also has trouble dealing with Steven's abilities, namely performing miracles and resurrecting the dead

>Steven is as a result a Good Christian Boy and a pal to everyone

>Steven develops Ned's nervous tick and has a Hurricane Neddy moment where he blows up at his friends after one shitty day

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Until he figures out Steven is the Anti-Christ.

You can't forget about Professor Utonium guys

>He makes a crap ton of science gear for Steven to help on adventures, armor, arms, vehicles, mechs,

>He competes alongside Pearl to prove that humans are just as smart as Gems

>He attempts to undo corruption and forced fusion experiments and is somewhat successful

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>"By the light of the Lord, begone!"
>"Dad, that's a lamp."
>"...I know."

>Ned doesn't agree with gays

>The Gems being all girls greatly baffles him, but he excuses it as one of God's accidents

>He faints when he sees Stevonnie

Actually, since they are all projections any couldn't they have 'male' forms?

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>"Shattering day soonly-doodly"

>Australia got Colony Dropped
What the fuck Sugar.

Seig Zeon!

>the fusions name is Stank

Hank + Steven.

Haven, for he is the defender of earth!

Based

Given how emotional retarded Hank Hill is? Steven would probably be fucked up.

I think Sugar said yes, they could have a male identity and be male if they chose to.

Lucky didn't get worker's comp, he got a settlement from a puddle without a sign in Mega Lo Mart IIRC.

His son wouldn't be a fag
>Hank is a good parent

Why

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Ooooooh, that sounds cool.

My fav character

Hank would make Steven less emotional, unlike the gems, so he'd be a a bit less timid.

Gem Technology is no match for the indigenous Australian fauna.

Damn abbos, always snorting gemdust.

To test my abilities

Can’t forget this father figure

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>Adopts Steven after Lu Ten dies and Ozai seems Steven a failure for not developing his gem abilities

What if the PPG were Steven's siblings?

Finally, Steven can learn about tea.

>Azula vs Steven
Now THAT'S a fight I'd like to see.

Naw, he'd probably end up doing tennis and meeting Connie that way.

Well, he’s got a decent amount of durability but lack of flexibility at 14, but 16 year old Steven may be overkill

>he's the one the news hits the hardest.

He'd be even more reliant on talking down is enemies, but far more capable of dealing with them if that failed. Fair trade, I'd say

>"aye Dodga, heat up the glass pipe! Got us a little treat"
>slaps bound peridot on filthy kitchen table

>The men start drawing lots

I'm picturing Cotton wanting Steven to act more like Captain America since the kid summons a shield that he can go on the offensive with (if barely used in show) but there's a subtle issue that he would NEVER shoot a gun at Steven to test it and nobody picks up on this whenever he tries to train Steven.

Although i kinda gotta wonder how Steven *would* react to Grandpa Boot camp; like would he never run out of stamina and Cotton can't figure out how to push him harder?

>Alright boy, now's you got to do push-ups for an hour!
>Is this supposed to be a warm-up for the super training?
>Let's see how you like having to do em with me sitting on yer back then!
>Wow this feels even better! Like we're playing horsey
>Dangit Hank, why'd your kid got to be so much better than you?

>AU where Steven is raised by Thanos

>aw shucks pearl, I hate being a jackass... I really did love her. *hank sigh* you know she was a wild card hehe, but sensible limitations. Yep rose was our gal.
>I miss her too, bawaaahaha, but I gotta be strong. For the boy. Yep back to work

I don’t think Thanos likes his kids

>Steven gets put in the hole
>Turns out Lapis talking to him about that those years in a mirror really gave him perspective

>The CG look on horrified as Cotton recounts with almost childlike wonder each and every crushed Gem squadron he keeps in bottles
>Cotton Hill is known across the Gempire as the most dangerous full-blood human to ever exist
>Gems deployed to earth are instilled with an innate fear of "The Stubby One."

Wow, a decent SU thread. What is this, 2013/2014?

Krieger would 100% fuck Spinel, thus avoiding the entire plotline of the movie.
She'd more than likely become his unstable lab assistant/fuckbuddy as Steven never gets the chance to redeem her

>the cotton plant no longer exists
>due to Gem naming conventions Gems thought the plant was the immature version of Cotton Hill
>so the killed every single one to prevent another from rising up against them

>Gems refuse direct orders to colonize Australia while avoiding giving any reason.
>Several shatter themselves to prevent redeployment
>Australia is declared a Darkzone and Gems are barred from entering for their own safety.

I think Iroh would understand Rose pretty well, considering his past isn’t so clean either.

Linda is step mom
>OH MY GOD MY PRECIOUS GEM BELLY BAYYYYBEE
>daww who keeps the family jewels HONK HONK YOU DO

I mean he probably reenacted the Nanjing Massacre more than once on a town or something.

>Krieger using spinel as sexual relief whenever he is stressed

What about Early Simpsons Homer?

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>Steven acting like Bart
>Amethyst loves it, Pearl despises it, Garnet is ambivalent

Steven doesn’t even have a neck at that age

So how would Homer punish him?

No singing or dancing

>AU where Steven is raised by Lex Luthor

Hank doesn’t respect Tennis at all though

Linda and Steven would get along like a house fire.
but how would the gems and her react to Steven calling her Mom for the first time?

Linda squeals while the Gems are uncomfortable and is probably when they consider moving Steven out.

They could have thought Cotton was a human version of a Ruby. Just a lot more effective on his own.

>Horrified but still impressed, Yellow Diamond tries to develop her own special ruby cuts patterned off of Cotton

>Cotton and Dale get into the Zoo
>The pair make a Vietcong style jungle fortress

>You’re right Steven, I never saw it that way. Coal bbq’s are better than propane.

So it goes Steven, Tina, Gene, Louise. Would love to see Steven as Gene’s older brother.

>Tina is jealous of Steven's nature as a social butterfly
>Steven encourages Gene's love of fart noises
>There'd be a running gag of Louise trying to steal Steven's gem or trying to become a gem hybrid herself
I'm just wanting this more and more!

>Louise keeps picking fights with Peridot
>Linda trying to get “in” with the Diamonds

>Upon seeing Lion and Lara, Tina tries to kill herself in front of Steven to get resurrected and become magical

>Linda following suit because she doesn’t wanna lose her baby boy also because she doesn’t wanna be old.

>Steven seeks to destroy all gems to ensure the continued well-being of the universe

>Human Zoo arc
>Cotton infiltrates by painting himself Red, taping a gemstone to his arm, and posing as a Ruby
>None of the Homeworld gems catch on

Not even Steven's talk-no-jutsu is THAT powerful.

>Good GAWD! They've finally done it! They went and made a communist eutopia!
>Gribble? Get my satchel charges! It's time to put an end to this debauchery

Why is this so funny?!

I dnt even ge this one, please explain like I am a retard

When Peridot became a crystal gem she mouthed off to yellow diamond about how earth is worth protecting and called her a clod. I am pretty sure yellow diamond had a rather mortified look on her face when she was called that.

I know what it's referencing, I don't get what the comic is trying to get across. Is YD getting off of being insulted or is she toying with her Pearl by forcing her to insult her?

What if Coop was Steven’s dad?

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>Coop accidentally breaks Homeworld with Megas

>But do remember the Greg special Steven
>I'm sure she'll love it as much as your mother did
This destroyed me

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It destroyed her too

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Please, my sides can't take any more

getting off to being insulted
yellow pearl is mortified at the idea of insulting her diamond

>Linda going along on the human zoo trip, furious that blue stole her husband

Even better
his bad habits rub off on the diamonds and the gems

he'd thrive as a single-dad. Although he'd probably get married. If his new wife isn't Peggy, he'll be unstoppable. I can see him fighting some charcoal themed gem in a home-made propane-powered mecha.

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>Coop giving Steven driving lessons in Megas

>Hank I can't help but feel something's just not right
>When did I get this new hat?
>When would YOU let bobby dye his hair?

>Diamond Mecha getting a flame decal
>Steven putting a car on the Pink Legs

>Steg only refrained from igniting an aerial orgy with the whole town because the world was ending and he respected Pearl and Garnet too much to take advantage of them.

Hahaha

>Coop and Amethyst playing video games, drinking slushies, and eating Philly cheese steaks together

>Rose had one of her light cannons made portable after a late night shooting with Hank
>Stevonnie uses it to poof Jasper's Quartz dogs at 200 yards.

Holy kek

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In this context it ain't debatable.

>Greg hooks up with Peggy
She's too small.

He'd totally teach Steven how to connect to the Spirit world. He'd probably end up helping Zuko to track Aang that way.

Aang would be such a relief for Zuko after having to deal with Steven as a cousin.

>Steven chases Aang down a cliff with his floating powers while trying to impress Zuko.
>Gets captured by the Gaang, Sokka tries to interrogate him about the Fire Nation before getting completely sidetracked by the existence of aliens.
>Zuko rescues him in his blue spirit persona
>Steven gets way too into coming up with his own ridiculous alter-ego

Pink Steven vs Avatar State Aang. Who takes it?

I'm pretty sure his bubble could deal with fire pretty well, but she'd pin him down so easily.

Anti-hero Steven would be such a prick

Depends how earthbending affect Gems, I guess.

Can steven redeem peggy?

Just look at Current Steven and how done he is with everything

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For the first time in my life, something made me literally, physically cringe. Bravo.

punisher steven when?

>Tina is jealous of Steven's nature as a social butterfly
Steven and Tina do a classic bodyswap episode. Tina makes it as weird as possible.

>Tina’s voice with Steven’s energy
Kek.

I claim every post below this for the glorious republic of china

I thought we taught you rice munchers to keep your lipless mouths shut, or do you want Opium War II?

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What about Steven raised by Reverse Flash?

By American standards, I'd say I'm a good father. Now this Greg fellow? He entrusts his child to a pack of butch lesbo bitches who fuck around. Then I gotta ask, just where the hell fatty goes to school? Running around like a wild animal, I imagine, isn't going to serve him well in the long run-I mean what's he going to do when he hits the wrong mineral and gets stared down by Big Oil's army of corporate lawyers? Exactly, NOTHING!

The fatfuck will get torn apart which is why, I, Ed Wuncler the I, have started a personal investigation into the Universe's personal funds which my lawyers are finding to be ill gotten if not outright stolen from the Wuncler industrial core. Greg is going to get slapped down by a civil suit so big it's going to be a miracle if he ever sees the outside of a cell again. And Steven? Officer Uncle Ruckus and the others have just surrounded the beach shack.

Don't worry about Steven's upbringing. The Wuncler Cradle Orphanium and Mental Hospital will gladly take care of him as he adjusts to a normal life.

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>Sterling ran into Rose while on a gem hunting mission and instantly decided he need to tap that
>Steven is the same in terms of personality, but is way more handsome as a result of Archer genetics
>Pearl finds Sterling's drunken debauchery despicable and a bad influence on Steven
>Amethyst thinks he's fucking awesome and hilarious, they probably banged at least once
>Sterling likes taking Garnet on missions with him because holy shit Future Vision is awesome

>The Wuncler Cradle Orphanium and Mental Hospital will gladly take care of him as he adjusts to a normal life.
>The Wuncler Cradle Orphanium and Mental Hospital
>The Wuncler Cradle
Please let there be a greentext... Please let there be a greentext... Steven's gonna get flayed alived.

How would Malory react to Steven?

Conflicted. On the one hand he's her grandson, on the other hand he's also a halfbreed abomination. I get the feeling Malory never liked Rose, while Rose was totally oblivious to the animosity.

>Pearl sand!

>What if Joseph Joestar was steven's dad

Also
>Steven and Amethyst often hang out with Pam and eats snacks
>Barry gets fused with gem tech and teams up with Jasper to kill Steven in order to get back at Archer
>Doug is an NSA agent sent to monitor Steven, he and Sterling have a past

What if Frank was Steven’s dad?

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>daww who keeps the family jewels HONK HONK YOU DO
KEK, this is so goddamn good.

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>"No-please!" Steven strained at his bounds, the evil lady cackling as she finishing sewing the skin into a fleshy cloak, little droplets of red appearing at the edges. The girl twitching once before her eyes went into the back of her school, dying in extreme pain. And it was all his fault, Steven had let the one person who treated him with any sort of decency die.
>"Now for you," the lady cackled, the smell of ash and charred human flesh slowly drifting into their dorm room. "The others-" the screams of madmen and children echoed through the building "will make excellent puppets. But you? Oh no," the wicked crone started twisting barbed and in a sudden motion-wrapped it around Steven's head and neck. Pulling tight, Steven shrieking as he felt blood slowly pouring down his face.
>"Oh that won't do," the crone reached into her purse, pulling out what looked like tweezers. Clasping Steven's mouth open, the utensil grabbed the tongue and pulled... There was a cracking sound as Steven screamed louder than he ever had before. Feeling a piece of him getting ripped from his body then- "there we are. You were getting annoying and I had to make a wee little adjustment." Granny Weaver held his tongue in her right hand, cackling as blood dripped onto the ground.
>Steven cried, trying to shriek but to no avail as the crone started sawing off his hands, sewing on a big butcher knife and scissors. His eyes were mad when she put on the prosperon mask of a tortured man, sewing it into his skin and searing it with a metal brand. Steven couldn't see, couldn't taste. He then felt the crone cut something from his groin, the smell of something burning, wrapping something around his feet, more barbed wire that cut into his legs-placing him in a state of eternal pain... Steven wanted to scream but couldn't.
>"You are mine." He felt the bounds release, Granny Weaver grinning, her mouth rows of filthy brown teeth. "Eat your dinner," she pointed to the skinned girl.

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the guy who drew it has more

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>John Redcorn and Rose Quartz get together
>Their baby is Joseph Turquoise

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>YOUR MUTHA WAS A GENOCIDAL HUWHORE

*Punished Steven when?
>A man denied one god damned day of rest

A Steven with the morals of the Gang could enslave the world with his TNJ.

Just started watching this show with my gf. On season 2 now. When does it go bad?

He slipped on pee-pee at the CostCo.

fukken lel

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>Hank, why are their space lesbians in my barn?

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Uh... Shit, what would the Avatar equivalent be? Tiger Affluent?

Maybe a tiger combined with another animal.

It was never good. Waifu power and tumblr autism is the one thing that has kept it going.

Idk I think it's decent, I think the mere existence of Zuke on top of the abysmal scheduling really hindered the performance. But hey its supposedly not done yet, its got potential so we'll just have to see.

Tiger Lord?

Tiger-lion lord

what if ben Shapiro was steven's dad?

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Would Rose replace Suzie Q or is it another bastard on the Josuke pile?

I guess that'd make two of them looking perpetually like small boys.

Bastard

Does he only ever meet senile Joseph? Or even better do the crystal gems hunt him down to get him to raise Steven?

The gems hunt him down

Jesus christ, never let Dennis around Pearl

Where's Kevin? Isn't complete without him and his beautiful and intelligent wife, Connie.

Implication doesn’t work with Pearl, she can just throw him off the boat.

Let's hope roofies don't affect gems

Pearl could just walk along the ocean floor if need be

Forget Hank, Cotton alone would make SU fucking gold.

What if Charlie was his dad?

>Redcorn teaches Connie to use tomahawks
>All of Steven's fusion forms incorporate some native American warrior motif
Would look cool

>mfw the waitress was a gem this whole time

He would be even shorter.

Malory would be like dealing with another White Diamond.

>Malory and White Diamond arguing over who Steven should live with

>Meanwhile, Blue Diamond and Cyril develop a deep emotional bond.
and then he fucks the everloving shit out of her

It would be the most sarcastic and patronizing conversation ever.

Sterling would probably try his best keep contact between Steven and Mallory to a minimum. All things considered I think Sterling would try his best to be a good dad, or at the very he would just try to be there. He knows what's like to grow up without a father.

Wrong Indian

No no no, I know Connie isn't a Native American Indian.

But John Redcorn seems like the type to be willing to teach Connie it, and since Steven is probably not going to be too into tomahawks, that leaves teaching Connie it.

Does Redcorn know how to use tomahawks?

The orphanage gets destroyed, burned to the ground with all the faculty inside, all of the Orphans are missing, and Ed is either found drowned in his bed despite there being no nearby source of water or is mauled to death by a corrupted gem that unfortunately broke into his home.
Jr proceeds to run his father's business directly into the ground

nice

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/thread

What about the rest of the Gang?

>charlie and amythest get plastered together, huff glue, eat junk food, and watch cartoons.
>They get up to all manner of hijinks and usually end up the wildcards in both of their friend circles.
>they'd become fast friends, finding excuses to hang with one another, though usually just using the excuse of "I'm bored."
>they'd probably fall in love eventually or at least bang regularly, leading to charlie abandoning his crush on the waitress
>pearl cannot stand this and makes every move to separate them
>this, of course, only spurs on their affection for one another
>Frank, of course, doesn't give a damn so long as they keep down while fucking in the apartment
>they never do

Actually, the Gang would probably support a lot of Steven’s interests, like they did with that Yankee Doodle Kid.

Maybe, idk

She's got big feet though

>Cotton Hill joining them on a mission

So... would Cotton actually die at some point in this version? I mean, obviously Steven could pink him back to fighting shape but at what point would this happen?

I figured he died like he does in canon, only his grandson is actually there.

>Cotton growing his shins back after Steven cries on him

>Why is that green alien child trying to turn our tour bus into a rocket?

>The Gauntlet isn't on his crotch
You had one fucking job user.

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>what if after seeing the steven all the gems wanted to make their own steven

>You cryin' sissy boy?

I get the feeling that his buddies would then make Steven cry to cure their old man ailments.

Damn that's...kinda sad. A very humble, melancholic and accepting kind of sad......

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A true keepsake

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what if TFS goku was steven's dad?

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Garnet x Boomhauer OTP

Oh hey cool, I've never seen this coloured!

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>You see that, BH? When HE cries, at least he does somethin' useful with it!

>Hank goes rage mode like he did in the episode where he has to pull the other retards out of the hole they dug in the alley
>steven has to come in and kick both of their asses
Would the white trash scene still be emotional or would it just be hilarious at that point?

I really shouldn't be shipping anyone from KoTH with anyone, let alone crack shipping, but GOD DAMN IT THERE'S TOO MANY GOOD WRITEANONS IN THIS THREAD

if rebecca sugar was banned from the internet, 1/16th of these threads would exist and they would never get past 30 replies.
please rebecca stay off of Yea Forums for a month and truly see what the thread and reply count would reach.

Mind fucking blown user
This thread is a fucking gold mine

FUCK this is so good it's making my autism flare up and I'm sperging out at 1am

I think Amethyst would just be Pam

Both.

>"Byyeee soooooon"

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>Oh hey steven do you remember that sweet girl you met at the pier
>Yeah sorry, that was just me

>Hey Steven, oh you guys are taking about the diamond authority?
>I know them, especially the pink one. Gosh she is such a brat and a wuss
>*Proceed to talk shit about pink while remaining oblivious that steven just learnt that his mom is pink diamond

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>Steven finds this out about Ronnie after sending Spinel to Homeworld

>If you know pink like I do, she was a freak in the bed.
>The things we do while the diamonds weren't looking.
>*Steven tears up listening to roger's babbles
>*CGs standing behind steven makes hand signals trying to get roger to shut the fuck up

So that's how he got so skinny

>y'know that's how she got the nickname "five in the pink" diamond

Paranoid much?

>Things only get more complicated when Roger reveals Pink was a persona

>Amethyst and Charlie having dumpster sex

I don't know, I'm not sure how many 'people' on Yea Forums are actually Rebecca Sugar in disguise.

>Diamonds ask Steven to move in
>Linda is distraught while Gene and Louise keep trying to convince the Diamonds to let them live in the palace too

>garnet's internal dialogue
>dende hurting himself to get kissed by steven
>amethyst finding the muffin button

Dumpster Sex is now the name of this crackship

>Garnet meets Piccolo
>Misunderstands how Namekian fusion is different from gem fusion
>"So yeah I fused with a guy I just met."
>"Love at first sight huh? I didn't think it was possible."
>"No no, he was just dying and-"
>"Ah, a lost lover as well? I'm very sorry for your lost husband."
>"We don't even have junk Garnet!"
>"And yet you still fused with him. Love finds a way."

>steven snapping
>calling the diamonds a bunch of motherfuckers

Would Steven be a Saiyan as well as a half gem?
Would anyone even be a threat to him at that point?

What about Master Roshi as Steven’s dad?

all I know is vegeta would be super salty about it

>steven gets exposed to porn mags since early age

>Steven would naturally have a rose SS form
>To add onto Steven's conflict of if he's his mother or not he'd conflict with his kind nature and his saiyan biology compelling him to fight
>Steven would also instead be attracted to a feisty woman
>AKA not connie
It'd be interesting for sure.

What would a Steven/Bob fusion be like?

I haven't even seen Steven Universe and I still read this in their voices and it seems great to me.

>Rose started out as just another one of Sterling's sexcapades, but after just one night he fell in love her
>they marry, despite Mallory's protests
>when Rose 'dies' to birth Steven Sterling can't deal and leaves him with either the gems or Mallory, while he runs away to drown his grief in booze and Thai hookers
> Mallory tracks him down and forced him to step be a father to Steven
>Archer is somewhat cleaner than he is in canon, he's still a booze hound and reckless sex addict, but he at least has Woodhouse clean out the vodka and whore stains when Steven comes to spend the weekend

The show becomes unwatchable garbage and I lose all interest.

>son steven wants to fug the jasper
>son steven wants to fug the peridorito
>son steven wants to fug the angery ruby

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>Steven Pinks Woodhouse
>Woodhouse is grateful until he realizes he will serve the Archer family for an eternity.

>Son Steven dicks Jasper into a housewife who can easily dominate her powerful husband

>"Hey dad, can we stop training for a minute. I need to ask you something."
>"Oh Steven, you can ask me while we're training."
>"Right, uhh, I've been having some strange feelings."
>"Are you hungry? We can take a second linner break!"
>"N-no. It's just, ever since we fought Jasper I've been getting some strange feelings. She makes my tummy feel all fuzzy."
>"Well I can't help you with that Steven. You're gonna have to ask your other moms about that."

Now I'm imagining Pam vs Jasper
>Pam's freakish dairy farmer strength + cocaine + whatever super steroid Kreiger's cooked up
>locks Jasper in a bear hug and squeezes until she poofs

Stop making me ship steven and jasper you fucks

BUT MASAKO!

>implying they wouldn't reconcile their differences over rough, violent sex

>STEVEN, FUSE WITH ME!

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>Steven meets a young Videl and Mr. Satan back before he became famous

>Citrine (or whatever Steven and Jasper fused would be called. Orange Quartz) get a raging fucking hard on from their fusion
>Practically looks like a great ape
>Steven loses himself slightly to his saiyan side when fused with Jasper
>Citrine is a fighting monster like Malachite but it's less toxic

lmao I wish lapis was real and she had to read that

>Steven being the designated healer during Chardee Macdennis

>Archer falls into his three-year coma when Steven is 12
>this is what makes Mallory allow him to live with the Crystal Gems in Beach City
>she knows Rose had healing powers, and hopes that once Steven learns how to use them he can wake up Sterling
>Steven being a good big brother to Abbiejean
>Lana feeling awkward around Steven because he’s so earnest, kind and helpful in contrast to his father

>Ugh, Jasp, come on I'm exhaust-
>It was not a question.

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>A jar of steven's tears is mixed in with the riot punch for gameday
>Boston legends tell of an indestructible group of Philly fans and their strange alien companions
>Pearl is the lone Yankee fan among them and regularly has to fight her way out of the stadium after games
>Gets no assistance from her friends
>"you reap what you sow you fucking traitor" to quote amethyst

>tfw no Black Beauty StepMommy

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I mean legally she wouldn’t be his stepmom because I don’t think Sterling and Lana ever got married in canon, but I think she’d at least feel somewhat obligated to look out for him while Sterling is in a coma.

>Gang keep trying to fuse with Steven to get their ideal looks and because they want superpowers.

>metamor fusion dance
>gem fusion dance
>potara fusion
>namekian fusion
>cell's absorption
>buu's absorption

>Earth becomes the red district for gems where they go to fuse with anyone

The Gang Gets Arrested for Statutory Rape
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

>Humans are nonthewiser
>are led by gems to believe this is a ritual of peace between species
>meanwhile, get passed around human fetishist circles like mad

>Steven/Dennis Fusion has Purple Man powers
>Steven/Mac Fusion has Flex Mentallo powers

>Steven/Charlie is literal Dayman

>there's still a little bit of Archer that shines through in Steven
>like his uncanny combat abilities and talent for counting bullets
>not to mention he has Archer's good looks

But how would Steven deal with Cell? Can he redeem him or would he blast the shit out of him until there’s nothing left like Gohan did?

Cell has the highest chances for redemption, since his goal is basically just to be the best, no different than Vegeta or Goku. he should've been brought back for the tournament in super instead of freiza

>sex addict like his father, but his naturally respectful nature keeps him from going through women like cigarettes.
>nonetheless, he gets around: various gems and humans alike are keen on bedding him and he doesn't take much convincing

>vegeta learns about this
Now we have a true reason for him to hate the fusion

>Steven/Frank Fusion is 80s Action Star

Steven would realize fighting makes Cell happier more than anything and give him the fight to the death he wants. Partly because it's the easiest option, and his own saiyan half, like Cells, crave a good fight. And it makes Cell happy.

>instead of a pumper-and-dumper like his father, Steven is more like a harem protagonist who successfully got a Harem Ending
>he genuinely loves and cares for each woman he sleeps with, be they human or gem
>by the time he’s 16 his harem consists of Connie, Peridot, Lapis, Jenny, and Kiki
>Sterling sheds tears of pride at his son’s manliness

How would the diamonds react towards frieza/beerus?

If it's before Steven and Goku reform Beerus with some of Lars's Ube rolls, The Diamonds are going to die. Not only would Yellow probably be disrespectful, but they have no food. Beerus nukes 'em.

If after and Steven gets to introduce him, then I'd say he'd say hi to them, they'd say hi back, and he'd move on.

The Diamonds probably bought planets from Freeza to colonize after his forces kill all life on them

>more than likely seduces attacking gems to convince them that earth is worth protecting
>tfw the murdercock lives on

>the murdercock is actually a recurring joke in-universe because of this
>whenever none of the Gems are around, Sterling’s co-workers will jokingly call him Murdercock and Steven is nicknamed Murderdock Junior after his own bottomless lust awakens

>bradock dying
>sees the future
>sees goku killing frieza and becoming a god
>smiles
>then sees vegeto and gogeta
>smile fades
>"Those damn gems made my son gay!!!!"

I read this entire thread in their voices. Thank you user.

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>pearl and bulma fighting for best technician place
>peridot appears
>once everyone is done fighting for who has bigger science cock proceed to be friends again
>just to xerox the fuck out of eachother

>So uhh, those gems there. They single? Because I got a couple of gems they could see right here. You know what I mean?

>in this universe Vegeta actually managed to tame Jasper and they get married
>their sex is so violent Vegeta always ends up covered in bruises but with a content smile on his face
>he has his own half-gem child with her just to keep up his rivalry with Goku
>it‘s a girl who he names Eschalot
>Single Dad Vegeta is even more attractive to Bulma than normal Vegeta
>instead of Future Trunks it’s Future Shallot in this AU who shows up to warn everyone about the Androids

>charlie can read and write fluently in ancient gem
>everyone dismisses it as nonsense scribblings

>steven heavily sweating every time they remind him time traveling is a thing for some reason
Wait wait, since first wife gem die does that mean we get to see goku and vegetables with chichi and bulma with the full families + gem hybrid?

>garnet thinking tien is a fusion like her
>gems/rose believing the four star sphere grandpa is an actual gem like them which inspires her later on to make the steven

Probably.

Although ironically, Rose/Pink would be better for Goku than Chi-Chi is. She’s free spirited like he is, and would be patient enough to actually teach him things. Since Rose had human lovers before Greg in canon, she’d be able to properly explain the concept of marriage and romance to him. Goku would be a much more well-rounded individual by the time he marries Chi-Chi as a result. Having to take care of baby Steven by himself before then would see to that.

Pearl would be absolutely buttblasted though. Greg is one thing but Goku is an idiot by both human and Saiyan standards.

We are talking bout official goku or TFS goku?

Is there a difference nowadays?

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Eh, it’s applicable to both but I was thinking of canon Goku while writing it. Although if it’s TFS Goku even the Crystal Gems would know not to leave him alone with an infant. They’d probably move in with him on Mount Paozu or drag him to Beach City to make sure Steven doesn’t die due to his idiocy.