Cast him in the MCU

The Mandarin

He looks like William Stryker from X2...

Bobby "Lupo" Drake, The Iceman

Hyperion or The Sentry

Wolverine

Steven Segal as himself

...I cast, in the MCU, Segal as Bolivar Trask

Uncle Ben

>Uncle Ben
Steven Seagal is too vain to ever agree to be filmed losing a fight or dying. It would just end up with Uncle Ben beating up the robber with choppy akido moves.

Forget the MCU, I'd cast him as Gordon Freeman in a Half-Life movie.

And chop up Happy for mounting aunt May

Punisher

Does Marvel Studios hire abusive spouses for major roles? I thought that was a DCEU thing. So he should be case in the DCEU.

>Steven Seagal's movie career began with a bet between two Hollywood executives, one which claimed anyone could be made into a star with the proper marketing, and one who doubted it. To prove his point, the first executive decided to make a starring vehicle for his Aikido trainer, none other than Seagal himself. That was the low-budget crime thriller ABOVE THE LAW, who became an unexpected box office hit. And thus the legend was born.

>In ABOVE THE LAW, Seagal goes against the fictional Chicago mob, and the real-life Chicago mob was none too pleased. Seagal was then coerced by them into starring in a series of action movies that were actually part of an elaborate money laundering scheme. In the late 1990's, after experiencing a self-described "spiritual awakening" through Buddhism, Seagal reneged on making violent action movies for the mob and even testified against them... Only to go right back to making violent action movies, this time for the Serbian government.

>As Segal's star began to rise, he began to believe his own hype. At the height of his fame, he once claimed to be immune to a judo choke hold. To prove this claim, he instigated stuntman and martial arts legend Gene LeBell to choke him. LeBell obliged. As it turns out, Seagal was not, and probably still is not, immune to judo. LeBell choked Seagal until he passed out and soiled his pants.

>During a party at Sylvester Stallone's house in the 1996, Seagal once again ran his mouth, this time about being able to beat up Jean-Claude Van Damme, not knowing that Van Damme was also at the party. Van Damme, at the height of his cocaine addiction and nurturing a lot of rage over being blacklisted from major Hollywood pictures, challenged Seagal to settle the score with a one-on-one fight, but Seagal bailed, claiming it wouldn't be honorable. Seagal left for another party, but Van Damme followed him there and later to a nightclub fishing for a fight before Seagal finally managed to evade him.

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>Young Jenny McCarthy auditioned to play Seagal's nice in UNDER SIEGE 2. Seagal asked her to take off her dress for the audition. When she saw the script, she realized that the film didn’t call for any nudity, and called Seagal out on it. He responded that the film involved "off-camera nudity."

>The role ultimately went to 16-year-old Katherine Heigl, who recounted how Seagal approached her on the last day of filming and mentioned having many girlfriends her age. When she pointed out that was illegal, Seagal simply answered "they don't seem to mind", while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and causing Heigl to run away calling for her mom.

>One day an executive walked into Seagal's trailer during filming for THE GLIMMER MAN and found Hollywood's reigning manly man weeping. "Oh, I'm reading this script," Seagal explained, "It's the most incredible script I've ever read", he said, still misty. "That's fantastic," the executive said, "Who wrote it?" Seagal didn't miss a beat. "I did."

>According to John Leguizamo in his autobiography, Steven Seagal physically attacked him during filming of EXECUTIVE DECISION, in an effort to scare the cast and crew. Leguizamo, who played one of the military men under Seagal's character's command, claimed that Seaga walked into the room barking orders at the actors as if they were really his subordinates. Assuming it to be a joke, Leguizamo laughed, but Seagal proved him wrong by elbowing him against a wall.

>In an interview with Huffpost Live, Tom Arnold claimed that Steven Seagal fell into the water while filming a scene for EXIT WOUNDS on his character's houseboat: Seagal had opted to shoot the scene without rehearsal and mistakenly exited through the wrong door, leading him to drop into the bay. He had to be pulled out by the crew.

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>Seagal is the number 1 pick for worst Saturday Night Live according to show's creator, Lorne Michaels. Seagal demanded that the cast perform sketches that Seagal himself had written rather than the material they already had. One of these masterful ideas, according to cast member Dana Carvey, involved Seagal playing a psychiatrist that talks to a rape victim, and while she tearfully explains her experience, Seagal would feel her up and attempt to rape her himself.

>Seagal is known to have a poor way with the women. In addition to the McCarthy incident, he also demanded sexual favors from Ray Charles' granddaughter Blair Robinson in exchange for a job, was accused to sexual assault by his ex-assistant Kayden Nguyen, drove his ex-wife Kelly LeBrock into hiding after their "ugly" divorce in 1994, and is said keep two Russian attendants who must be ready to service him at all times.

>Seagal is known to make wild, unverifiable claims about his admitedly murky past. He claims to be of Italian descent, although his mother has stated he's Jewish and Irish. He also insists being a direct apprentice of Aikido founder Morihei Ueshiba, who died in Japan in 1968, when Seagal was only 13-14.

>Seagal also claims to be an accomplished self-taugh blues musician, having picked it up while living in Detroit. He claims to be so skilled he can play without the need of a pick, and so talented he earned praise from legends B.B. King and Little Milton, who agreed that "that mutha ain't white" after seeing him play. It's worth noting the only time B.B. King and Little Milton were likely to be together in Detroit was in the late 1960's, when Segal was, by his own account, a 13-year-old drifter living and training in Japan.

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I'd be scared of a coked-out Van Damme too.

based, operatorkino

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Corsair

If he takes off the rug, he could be Dr. Druid.

>immune to a judo choke
>proceeds to get choked out by Gene Lebell of all people

What a fucking moron

Dr. Druid

>Speaking of Japan, Seagal insists that he trained CIA agents stationed there due to his "flawless martial arts and language skills", and even did "special works and special favors" for the U.S. government in the land of the rising Sun. His ex-wife Kelly LeBrock and the Central Intelligence Agency both denied this.

>Seagal also claims to have taught numerous UFC world champions including Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida the signature push kick... One of the oldest strikes in martial arts History.

>Seagal's other "accomplishments" include fighting the Yakuza with the help of the American mafia, being one of the world's foremost experts on swords and regularly retained by auction houses for authentification purposes, and being the reincarnation (tulku) of Tibetan treasure revealer Chungdrag Dorje, which would make him as a holy man in Buddhist culture.

>Also, a "spirit dog" once alerted him that his dojo was about to catch fire.

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I would love to see a comic that's just about the life of Steven Seagal as he imagines it

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Stan Lee

Are there any Marvel characters known for snatching every mother fucker birthday?

Is there anything he cant do

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Its amazing how Sylvester Stallone manage to stay relevant and even get to be in an MCU movie in GOG Vol2 while Steven Seagal ends up fading into obscurity.Where did it go wrong for him? He was a big well known star in the late 80s and mid 90s

He has huge ego and is known to have agressive behavior issues on the movie sets

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I'd rather hang out with Jesse Ventura than Steven Segal.

the unbeatable squirrel girl, played as a trans weeb who fails up ala Mr. Satan from DBZ.

>Where did it go wrong for him?

Geese, I dunno

I think they did a mad tv sketch about this once.

Uh... Steve, playing guitar without a pick isn't an achievement, every forgetful guitar player has.

Stallone was actually talented and reasonably business savvy though. Seagal has never made a movie that can even be mentioned in the same sentence as the first Rocky.

Mr. Satan is a perfect role for him, so much so that he'd be too deluded to accept it.

Why was Van Damme blacklisted?

He was offered a $9 million studio contract, but turned it down because he thought he could push for a $15 million contract like Jim Carrey's.

He never got high-profile roles offered to him anymore and felt he had been blacklisted by the major Hollywood studios.

That and Kenny Rogers Jackass were the two best Will Sasso skits on that show

Weird.

>while Steven Seagal ends up fading into obesity.
fixed that for you

The Scorpion.