Post your favourite Family Guy jokes

>Wait Lois the boats a boat but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!
>Then let's just take the....
>We'll take the box.

>We'll take the mystery box... You gave up a boat for free tickets to a comedy show
>Oh come on Lois you're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. Remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?

>You don't even know who I am!

Shit quality, but i cracked up when this played

youtube.com/watch?v=0kusJhuuWFI

Attached: hqdefault.jpg (480x360, 40K)

>Look, Peter, the last thing we want is for kids to start smoking.
>Oh yeah, well, what about that sign that says "the first thing we want is for kids to start smoking"?
>That's just a project my son made in school
>Well, what about the one that says "the first sign wasn't a school project, we really do want kids to start smoking"?

youtube.com/watch?v=S9AY6scEDzY

this always gets a laugh out of me

>You're really gonna give it to him, Peter?
>Don't worry Lois, there's just a dog turd in there, but by the time he realizes that, we'll be-
>There's a dog turd in here

youtu.be/5e4Xxw1DBaQ
new fg but still

Give it to us straight dr.Hartman. oh this doesn't look good, not at all. OH MY GOD!!! My nephew drew a picture of me , it doesn't look a thing like me, the nose is all wrong

>We took the MYSTERY BOX.
>HOP IN.

Also, the fact that literally everyone else on the street got an actual fucking boat

I think my all-time favorite is when they were in that trailer park:
>Okay, there's a laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress yourself to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath it like some weird, amphibious dolphin.
>...Can I buy some pot from you?

>Peter, you're being childish!
>Really Lois? I'm being childish? Well you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by some pervert.

>not this time, Nancy boy

>All right, we're gonna use a fan brush here, and, uh I want you to take some hunter green, and we're gonna put a happy little bush down here in the corner there. And that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone...that that bush is there...I will come to your house and I will cut you.

My absolute favorite of the entire show.

youtube.com/watch?v=g1eswGrkMU8

and that they're driving them on their lawns

The invention of singing is always a good one.

O I N K

Why were free boats being given away in the first place?

SMOKE

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Peter not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground.

(looks at a pea on someone's plate)

>Pea... ah...

(eyes over to a crying woman)

>Tear... uh... ah...

(a literal griffin flies through the restaurant)

>...Griffin.

(Wayne's World 2 had the same joke, but Family Guy did it better.)

>Oh my god it’s Jackie Chan!

You guys are stupid. They're gonna be looking for army guys.

This one always stuck to me for some reason.
youtube.com/watch?v=lRwAYhm7R-8

Dad, I can’t leave now! My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can’t drive, I’ll never have any boyfriends, I’ll never get married, and I’ll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O’Donnell!

(Pause)

>Meg, are you implying that Rosie O’Donnell can’t drive?

user was banned for this comment

>Why are you here?
>I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phonebook

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So he’s talking to Lois, telling her to look at Chuck, but then all of a sudden she’s Chuck?

Makes no sense ya chuckle fuck

That time Peter got lost in the mall.

Peter: "Lois! Lois!"
Guy on the floor above: "Lois! Lois!"
Peter: "Is your wife named Lois, too?"
Guy: "No, but I figured if she’s banging a guy like you, I got a shot. Lois!"
Peter: "Hey, what are you – Lois!"
Guy: Lois!
Peter panicking: "LOIS!"

>Valerie Bert and Ernie
Gets me every time

"I'm the white Larry Bird" my favorite early Family Guy joke. That or the Jack Daniel's scene early on

youtu.be/jnZ-eYmRfRk?t=155

start at 2:35

I like the “want to fight about it” guy.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6gnezI2hOXA
My favorite

My favourite cutaway.

I want to say it was a time share offering

When was the tipping point when Family Guy became shit? I'd say season 6

The “you’re a phony” guy was pretty good too, rivals the “just the stamp the ticket” guy in fame.

Bad thread. Family Guy has no jokes.

That would be wrong.

>Look Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says "ooooooooo".
>Peter, those are Cheerios.

SMOKE