Storytime of Pain: Amazons Attack!

Grab a drink or two or ten because it's time for man-hating, plot-induced stupidity, and BEES!

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do they pillage and rape?
do they specifically rape the men?

And yes the title has an exclamation point, because uh... Mars Attacks!, maybe?

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Pillage yes
Rape no because men are DISGUSTING

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it's a shame they haven't digitized this yet

This is without hyperbole the single worst page in WW's entire history, it's Dr. Light's rape tier, it's Roy Harper on space meth holding a dead kitten tier

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>Amazons Attack
Fucking really, Tex? Come the fuck on, man! Oh, don't forget about the weird forced political commentary where the Patriot Act gets applied against women's shelters.

Also, while we're here, what are your thoughts on the DC Super Hero Girls take on Diana?

>A man. Just Another Man.
ohhh, subtle.

This guy managed to get THREE shots off before a single arrow could be fired and still could not hit two women in bronze age armor

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I decided to look up what this editor is up to.
Looks like he stayed with DC until they moved to california.
He spends his days editing looks like EVERY Dynamite title now

>Rape no because men are DISGUSTING
oh they're those kind of amazons. ok i'm out

I haven't seen it yet but it looks cute as fuck and I've heard good things

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Pain is the point user

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Ah, a true weekend of pain classic.

He also responsible for all the problems with post-Infinite Crisis Superbooks that extends up to the crap that Perez was talking about recently in his interview. He is one of these truly terrible editors who somehow managed to keep his job despite churning out crap.

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Reminder that prior to this story, Paradise Island had abolished the monarchy, but they decided to ignore that and Hyppolita is once again Absolute Dictator once she was brought back to life.

These war animals are a remnant of Jimenez's run I believe, that everyone else forgot about. Maybe they were better off that way.

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I was worried someone would beat me to the punch on this one

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Pfeifer on the other hand, was pretty much done after this.
He continued an awful Catwoman storyline that killed the entire volume, wrote Salvation Run right after this, and did random fill-in issues of a lot of stuff, like Iron Man 2.0 and RHatO.
His most recent ongoing work was that 2014 Teen Titans volume, but Lobdell returned 15 issues in

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to be fair, they are amazons, they have magical greek powers.

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so, are you gonna show the tie-ins, so at least we get to have some idea where wondy is?

Paradise island is like Wakanda in that no matter how many times you try to change the status quo there it will always be reverted back to normal

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It feels like tor the most part people are focused on bringing new blood to the table this year.

It's a pretty good show. Diana is very much a funny foreigner type who doesn't understand Man's World stuff, but Faust makes it work. It's like, imagine if Picoult's take made sense, and actually adorable.

Also, Cheetah manages to be a fuckin badass, and is played up as a "shit just got real" level threat.

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They at least managed to keep the imagery of castrating the Washington Monument but they could have elevated the moment here from "retarded" to "so retarded it's amazing" by having that be their symbolic declaration of war.

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>Hyppolita invades America to save her daughter
>Her daughter is fine
>She continues the war anyway
This shit is retarded.

Might as well, I suppose. Double our displeasure.

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Hyppolita is being manipulated by granny goodness in order to set Final crisis (not)
then again, is it even worth to defend that plot point?

The sad thing is this interrupts a run that was not that bad, and at least an interesting temporary direction.
Pfeiffer also wrote an issue about women's shelters just before this that is incredibly YMMV as something very heavy handed.

Trust me, the "reveal" behind her motive is ten times worse

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>Jodi Picoult
When's the last time getting a prose writer to write a book was successful, and why was it China Mieville?

Ah, here's that castration imagery I was hoping for!

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I might as well check that out tonight. That's a fun direction to take a fresh-off-the-Hermes-sandals teenage Diana.

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I can't wait for WW84 Cheetah to look worse than the Cats from Cats

I wonder if Wonder Woman tries to free her mother from mind control by using her lasso in these tie-ins, I never understood why she didn't do that in the main series. Undoing mind control is one of the lasso's powers.

Good to see Superman and Batman taking this situation so seriously.

With the current state of Hollywood CGI that's pretty much what I expect

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Much as I despise this story, I must play devil's advocate and say that the premise had something resembling merit.

After a long period of shaky relations with the US, the Amazons invade in an attempt to rescue a captive Diana. The twist being that Circe has orchestrated this war as revenge for the Amazons taking her daughter away.


On paper, that sounds fine. In practice, it's is the absolute low point in WW history.

Jodi Picoult only got the job because she knew Jim Lee so low grade nepotism. Like DC giving Christy Marx all those writing jobs because she knew Didio back when he use to work at Mainframe.

Say tex what are your thoughts on linkera?

>I must play devil's advocate and say that the premise had something resembling merit.

Yes because Rucka came up with the premise. This was originally a scrapped Infinite Crisis mini that got retooled by editorial into a WW event.

Oh and if you're only familiar with current era Wondie, this is not Steve, it's Nemesis, of being-killed-in-HiC fame.

Steve was aged up considerably post-Crisis, leading many writers to use other characters to sort of fill in the same role.

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How come nobody has a contingency plan if it's common knowledge that the Amazons are a nation of insane dykes who will pillage and burn before trying diplomacy?

At last, we see the horrible truth about the Amazons.

I agree, and it had some roots in Perez's story of the Amazons being framed for making attacks on American soil. There could be something there if you had the Amazons not just murder indiscriminately.

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I don't have much opinion, but I hate the Nostalgia Critic style of humor so I doubt I'd like him very much

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Government/military in comics do literally nothing all day and seem to continually forget that supervillains exist

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I'm really not sure why DC keeps thinking that turning the Amazons into child murderers is a good idea.

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Yeah, it's clear reading that run that this was where it was ultimately going. Say what you will about Rucka, but it would've been much better than this garbage.

But Tex, they're girls. Obviously a nation of women who don't need men must violently hate men, right? Gender relations are a binary of "slavishly devoted brood mare" and "GAS THE COCKS SEX WAR NOW". Everyone knows that.

Cuz obviously Wonder Woman is not realistic (read: edgy) enough, as everyone knows if heroes existed they would kill and commit tax fraud

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uhhh.... ha-ha-ha?

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>Much as I despise this story, I must play devil's advocate and say that the premise had something resembling merit.
>After a long period of shaky relations with the US, the Amazons invade in an attempt to rescue a captive Diana. The twist being that Circe has orchestrated this war as revenge for the Amazons taking her daughter away.
>On paper, that sounds fine. In practice, it's is the absolute low point in WW history

This is something I keep saying about comic 'events' -- both DC and Marvel. A bare-bones description of the event usually sounds good. Then the execution is just horribly bad.

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ok, now thats funny.

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I like how she has chainmail JUST on her boobs

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There is something very Freudian about people continually interpreting them this way, isn't there?

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Moore pretty much covered it in the intro to his Twilight of the Superheroes pitch, which is interesting since it was made so early in the yearly event cycle.

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>Wonder Woman: My name is Diana, I come from an island of psychotic monsters to sneer at you.
>Dan Didio: Reprints of our stuff from before I was editor in chief often sells more than the new stuff. I have no idea why.

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Does Circe always talk like some snooty bitch?

Also weird implications of the superheroes, mostly male, rallying against the Amazons with the Washington Monument, symbolically castrated in the previous issue, centered behind them

Yeah it's probably reading too much into it but when you have an event like this you start trying to grasp for something, anything, that makes even the tiniest semblance of sense

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Specifically the facsimile's, which are specific reprints of key issues that are expensive to get otherwise.
Like shit, there's a store near me selling an okay issue of Batman 181 for $500. There's no way I'll pay that for the first appearance of Poison Ivy, but $3.99, sure.

Yes and it's why she's such a great villain

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Every single time.
>Sue Dibny has been murdered, and everyone teams up to solve the case!
>A tragic incident has spurred lawmakers into creating a superhero registration act, splitting the hero community in two!
>A coalition of hostile alien factions has teamed up to invade Earth!
>Captain America is secretly the new leader of Hydra!

Like if it were just Hippolyta mind controlled (or what we find out), OK, there's a story
This is presumably completely sane and self-aware Amazons, not just being bloodthirsty and violent warriors, but committing war crimes against helpless unarmed opponents and civilians, I just cannot even fathom how this was allowed

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Black Canary seriously has a huge issue # count.
She was everywhere in the 2000s (and late 1990s)

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That quote was glorious. The complete lack of self awareness from this guy is worrying. Dan Dido is the DarkSydePhil of comic books.

>I just cannot even fathom how this was allowed
Because editorial doesn't give a shit. Recall that this more or less happened again in the Nu52.

As I've often said, they'd never let something like this happen with Alfred, like it turns out he's a child molester or something. But it's effectively the same thing, only editorial actually cares about the Batman IP.

One of the few things I liked about this era was how much attention some of these lesser characters got. Canary, Red Tornado, Roy and Donna, Black Lightning, the Hawks, they were all considered major players, even when they weren't treated well.

There was less of a centralized focus on the OG JLA. I blame movies for things going the other way.

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Right? And then the ending tries to draw moral equivalency between the two sides out of some hamfisted Iraq War metaphor.
If I was a serious Wondy fan I'd be spitting teeth at this character assassination.

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I compare the Amazons being so combat-focused to making the Kents passively racist, so this comic would be akin to making the Kents active members of the KKK

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This line reads like parody

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>This war makes increasingly less sense with each passing moment
A bit of self-awareness from the writer there?

Ew. That is a viscerally vile thought.

Speaking of though, the salt being generated by Superman Smashes the Klan is delightful.

>2 out of 6

Wait, there are 5 more issues of that crap when it looked like they were wrapping it up?

Cassie's here to join the shitshow!
Maybe after the main story I'll post the tie-ins which I've never read

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THAT IS NEITHER HOW HEATMAPS, NOR FIRE WORKS

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Wait, it doesn't end with a reveal that they were all brainwashed? Holy crap.

They should do an animated adaptation of Don McGregor's classic Black Panther vs. the KKK, but then again it's so long and prose-heavy

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The ending is famous for a reason you'll see

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>T'Challa putting some good ol boys in their place
Oh that sounds like a fun time. Reminded of when Mr. Terrific encountered some Klansmen in Johns JSA.

>That quote was glorious. The complete lack of self awareness from this guy is worrying. Dan Dido is the DarkSydePhil of comic books.

He is all too aware. He just doesn't want to acknowledge it. He knows people hates his guts. But like CWC he'd rather place the blame on a few mean trolls. His run of Outsiders is basically his immature response to his perceived critic(s).

Sorry for the delay folks, router shit itself

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>Steve was aged up considerably post-Crisis,
Oh yeah, they made him the love interest of WWII time-travelling Hyppolita, right?

How the fuck does an arrow break the window of a fighter jet? And what kind of spee and aim would be required to shoot through a jet in mid-flight?

I'm glad at least Philippus and Artemis were spared from this nonsense. And I hope they're referring to the fact that this invasion plan makes no sense and is only succeeding because the superheroes have turned retarded

It's possibly, a lot of times writers for these impossibly dumb events are just scripting editor's plots and collecting a paycheck.

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Why doesn't Superman just fly in and punch Hippolyta in the dick? It's not like anyone on the Amazon side can lay a finger on him.

I'm pretty sure you can split into teams some rescue, others fight. Especially since if you don't stop the amazons now, more people will be in danger.
Fuck you, Batman.

The explanation is superior Amazonian alloy. That at least makes a little sense.

Nope, Steve was made in his late 30's/early 40's and paired with Etta. Hippolyta dated Wildcat when she was time traveling, and in the Justice League cartoon Diana did have a romance with WWII Steve while time traveling.

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It's a wonder (haha) that the writer's career even took off.
His very first project was called "Finals" with Jill Thompson, and the entire ending had to be we-written because of Columbine

Cuz Diana told her she was gonna handle it even though she tried and did not
But even then, Superman could zoom Diana out of the fray, but couldn't just grab Hippolyta and take her to like Antarctica so she and Diana could talk?

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Well he needs to start acknowledging it. Turns out readers aren't terribly fond of constant events and forced edginess.

Remember when Rebirth first started, and everyone was feeling really refreshed because the books had a lighter tone and mostly focused on heroes doing heroic shit? Funny how sales were up during that period, and went back down after DC almost immediately reverted to the try hard bullshit.

Y'know, starting to understand why blonde Polly is so common. Not just because she was originally blonde, but because she and Diana are too easy to draw as near identical.

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>Y'know, starting to understand why blonde Polly is so common. Not just because she was originally blonde, but because she and Diana are too easy to draw as near identical.
and Donna, when she's around

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This conversation is like something from the Room

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It was a little better at this time when they stopped drawing Diana with curly hair but kept Hippolyta with it

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I had no intention of killing her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I had no intention of killing her! I did not! Oh hi, Bruce.

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Sure, but Donna would at least make sense, because she and Diana are ostensibly twins.

Still salty that Donna wasn't the long lost twin in Robinson's run. Fuck Jason.

Nope. That would solve the plot too quickly, and would be in character for all involved. We gotta stretch this fucker out to six issues.

LOL

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Wait, are they arresting random women all over the US?
What the fuck is this gonna accomplish?

Is that Zaurel with a laser gun?

Shit I missed it, the timeless classic panel

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It's a women's shelter that was either started by Diana or just inspired by her, I forget. But either way back in Pfeiffer's first and only WW issue he had Diana publicly support it so I guess it's considered Amazon affiliated now.

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>THIS IS JUST LIKE THE PATRIOT ACT GUYS! FUCK BUSH!

Oh god, not the bees

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You see user, before this clusterfuck of an event the Amazons were sponsoring shelters for battered women across the US.
Now those are suspect of treason because [shitty metaphor for post 9/11 muslims in America]

They are war user. Of course, they're gonna kill.
Not a big deal desu.

BEES
M
Y
GOD

>remnants of the government
Yes because all US representatives are ALWAYS all in DC at the same time and there is no plan of succession that makes sure this exact thing that is happening doesn't happen

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Say the line, Bart.

But
These are non-combatant citizens

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>These are non-combatant citizens
Did the amazons even care about that stuff?

and Moz did the same thing a few months later

I love how the lead-in issues of Wonder Woman VERY SPECIFICALLY stated that the US govt kidnapped Diana because they were afraid of the high tech weapons the Amazons had (something that had been a plot point in the pages of Wonder Woman for Rucka's run, and Jimenez, and a few fill in writers), and then the msin story was handed to a guy that clearly had NEVER read the book, who made "Amazons have no tech, right? Yeah, sounds right" a plot point.

I've seen some editorial incompetence, but this took the cake.

>Huh? Are you talking? You know I can't hear you through the plane while we're going 1000MPH in the fucking stratosphere, right?

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>We're here because we think the queen's daughter's been taken prisoner
>Slaughtering children is a great way to make sure she will be treated well
Even if you ignore the character assassination of Wonder Woman's supporting cast it's still moronic.

>The Amazons have the ability to magically teleport anywhere in the US and blow shit up
>Somehow they decide to partially bomb a nuclear power plant and not, I dunno, the military high command

Jesus, this comic makes my head hurt, and I came here from the Neokosmos thread

Gee I dunno, if your leader is clearly insane and is committing genocide and terrorism, maybe you should try to enact your own 20 July plot instead of just standing around.

>CLEARLY THIS WOMEN'S SHELTER IS A FRONT FOR AN AMAZON INVASION. LET'S ARREST ALL WOMEN!

A summary of Artemis' scenes in this book.
>WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING
>SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING?
>WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING
>SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING?

How would they pad this out to six issues without characters standing around asking each other if they should do something and fuck me this is the same damn thing that happened in Countdown to Final Crisis isn't it?

and her reward was getting sent to a rape camp with a bunch of other amazons

Power just went out folks, will be back in a few minutes

In my opinion, WW should absolutely be a political focused book. Because it's goddamn Wonder Woman, a character who was created to explore sociopolitical issues.

This, however, is just plan fucking stupid. "Hey, let's do commentary of the Patriot Act and have the US government raiding women's shelters!". Like, you fucking wot, mate?

Editors need to stick to editing, not pushing their shitty fanfics on everyone.

Oh shit, they're attacking Texas now!

>not having a laptop and 4G

I like how this is supposedly a Wonder Woman comic, but she appears in like 15 pages (and is apparently lobotomized since she could've literally solved everything in one motion)

Even if we ignore that up till now the Amazons have been depicted as a society of diplomats and scholars as much as warriors and that their few interactions with the outside world have been purely as ambassadors...
every civilized nation in history has followed some basic form of honorable warfare, including ones from the time before and during the Amazons' origins.

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It gets worse, at one point, Superman saves Wonder Woman from Hyppolita, and just flies away with WW even though Hyppolita was right there and he could have ended the war in one punch.

>this story is so awful, they tried to cut OP's power to stop it

>It was at this point Nemesis remembered he was a spy secret agent type and had no business trying to go hand-to-hand with nigh-invulnerable superbitches.

Oh cool looks like the outage roasted my Windows installation on my second PC, I blame this comic for that

It seems like they had the idea for the Patriot act thing, then went "ok what fictional society's do we got to attack the US? Atlanteans? Nope, can't use Aquaman stuff right now. Thanagar? Nope, space stuff is in another office. Oh yeah what about the Amazons? They're like warriors or something right?"

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Superman has an overriding femdom fetish and was busy mass debating to mommy Hippolyta in space throughout the war

>does that make me a hero, or a robot?
Excuse me?

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It's even worse when you realize that WW could've lassoed Hippolyta and instantly resolved the plot if he didn't interfere.

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>or
[angry Red Tornado noises]

>Frank Miller
WHAT

>Washington monument continues to exist in quantum state of both destroyed and not destroyed
WHAT

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Isn't it spelled "seize"?

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That's some Liefeld tier action

youtube.com/watch?v=xAhuSDRIDHE

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>Does that make me a hero or a robot?
... There is so much wrong with this sentence, I scarcely know where to begin. For fucks sake, Diana is technically both if you want to count golems as magic flavored robots. Also, the Metal Men, Red Tornado...

>mommy Hippolyta
Y'know, I'll happily take the blatant fetish fuel Amazons over the "GRR ME HATE MENS" straw man garbage any day.

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Poor Jodi is still trying to do her character study while this nonsense is going on

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If only there was someone who was able to travel the world really really fast

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PUNY HU-MONS WHY WOLD ANYONE LIKE THEM
Where's Wildcat in all this? He needs to go and slap some sense into his ex girlfriend.

This isn't a good idea to do this when she has proven for the last several hours or days to be completely unhinged from reality and bereft of all morals

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I just realized that this story is unreadable without the WW issues, but I don't think the TPB even contains them since they're technically part of the Love and Murder storyline

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JUST USE THE LASSO YOU GREEK NIGGER

Yeah, Atlantis was thoroughly Spectre'd a few months earlier

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ARE YOU SERIOUS SUPERMAN, AGAIN?!?!

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Hahaha I wonder if someone pointed out to them after the last issue that no one could hear inside the plane

Also
>we have more important things to worry about
MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE LEADER OF THE INVASION WHOSE CAPTURE WOULD LITERALLY END THIS ENTIRE SITUATION, STANDING THERE BASICALLY DEFENSELESS

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You know in order to be floating in front of the plane like that they'd also have to be flying backwards at about 700 MPH

Which reminds me of Kenan Kong flying while standing up with his arms crossed while his teammates tell him it looks really weird

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>The missile alone is as big as a person
>she's standing maybe five feet away from the plane
>firing an explosive missile designed to shoot down planes at her is a good idea
fucking hell this comic

Hippolyta doesn't have WW's superpowers, does she? How is this fight even a thing?

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So here's a depressing thought. Despite being one of the big three, Diana has only had two events centered around her mythos. War of the Gods, which was decent but suffered from serious clutter. And Amazons Attack. Yeah.

I mean, I guess you could kinda count Darkseid War if you squint really hard.

>You have one day

>You have one week

For fucks sake, who edited this crap?

I'm actually not sure at this point since she had some sort of powerup while she took on the WW name, but she had died since then

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It's Bana-Mighdall you dummy you just have to look at Wikipedia, I know it takes longer to type but I think your fingers would survive it

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>Supergirl and Wonder Girl think that if they kidnap the President and hand her over to Queen War Crimes, this will end the war
Why is everybody in this comic so fucking stupid?

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Are the Bana big guys?

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Wow and now my beer fizzed all over me and that's probably also this comic's fault

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>In these panels, Kara forgets how to kryptonian

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and the fizz got on my cat on my lap so now he's gonna lick it and get drunk, thanks Amazons Attack

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Superman should have done this literally in issue 1

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Did they throw Supergirl into the jet intake?
How the fuck are their pegasi flying BACKWARDS at 500 mph?

>Yeah but see the US military were ALSO the bad guys!!!!
stop

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Seriously just put that page of the Comedian talking to Dr. Manhattan here

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Oh NOW Supes suddenly tries to do something sensible.

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In this panel, Clark also forgets that he is faster than a speeding bullet.

Oh yeah remember Selina's kid

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Supergirl also just stood around and did nothing even though she could have blocked the bullets too.

>The genocidal war criminal invaders and the US Army defending their homeland are both equally at fault

At least someone's having fun with this storytime.

Continued:

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

>See Countdown
So let me get this straight, in the middle of a massive Amazon war, Donna decides to drop everything she's doing to talk to Jason Todd and go on a multiversal quest to find Ray Palmer.

I kind of liked it

Why are you bitching? This is GOOD

The big three is a marketing meme user, its not real

EDGY AS FUCK

That's not depressing at all. Events are cancer. Fuck events.

what the fuck

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