Good evening owls,
Remember: you asked for this shitty comic.
Storytime of Pain: Battle for Blüdhaven
Noah Peterson
Austin Harris
Landon Watson
Gavin Sullivan
Jackson Myers
Oh, the Teen Titans are here, this will work out great
Bentley Howard
Hello, Storyteller.
I think what really makes this so bad is that it tries oh so hard to be politically relevant, but in truth has absolutely no idea what it's talking about. The tone deafness is palpable.
Caleb Richardson
Why doesn't Tom King just kill himself? It's pretty obvious he's itching for a shotgun barrel in his mouth.
Owen King
It's pretty fitting since DC seems intent on going back to that sort of thing
Lincoln Lewis
Yeah this sure looks like inked and colored by people still getting used to digital tools. Ah the mid 2000's
Caleb Thomas
I am paying 0% attention to HIC
Bentley Myers
>Bludhaven
>heart of the nation
???
Oh, by the way, if you happen to be a Nightwing fan, don't hold your breath. Dick is straight up not in this story, even though it's his city. Blessing in disguise, granted.
Evan Thompson
Blake Parker
That's the scan quality mate. It gives this look off.
And there will never be a digital version, because the rights are fucky because Didio let Palmiotti and Gray use creator-owned characters in it
Andrew Jones
Brayden Hill
reminder that Dick was supposed to die in Infinite Crisis, and this part of the story was concurrent with that
Isaiah Adams
this is gonna end well
Gavin Martinez
Lucas Allen
Isaac Stewart
Didn't Firebrand straight up die by the last Freedom Fighters series, pre new52
Ryder Fisher
All I remember is that Gonzo the Mechanical Bastard looked uncannily like Mitt Romney
Tyler Rivera
See, Cranky, she'll never escape it!
Asher Scott
What are the qualifications for superheroes to take point on national emergencies?
Michael Robinson
jeeeesus
Nolan Cox
massive sense of entitlement
Isaac Clark
I don't know, they really wanted the Freedom Fighters to be a thing for some reason. Wasn't Red Bee a chick with alien powers or some weird shit
Landon Bennett
Graymiotti never, ever stopped trying to make the FF happen
Connor Nelson
we need a kill counter
she got infected in the second mini I think
And Ms America because Miss Universe, then they forgot about that for the ongoing because it was OP
Luis Moore
Lincoln King
Yes, someone keep track of the gratuitous death, please
Hudson Davis
F
Juan Murphy
this isn't even fun dumb
Isaiah Flores
>astronaut fetus
It's been years, and that is still confusing as all hell. The fuck does that even mean?
[insert angry rant about how it was necessary to prevent countless deaths, and also fuck your stupid meme]
John Hall
Unnamed extras don't count
Kevin Taylor
Andrew Parker
Luis Gonzalez
How do you actualy sayd Blüdhaven? Bloo'd-Haven?
Eli Kelly
I think that was gonzo or something? Lots of shit in this mini doesnt make sense
Nicholas Morales
This is the first Lady Liberty who dies in this mini, but not the last
Ryan Gutierrez
Oh yeah, this book LOVES forcing all this wacky golden age shit into this trying desperately to be serious political action thriller.
Also, remember this plot point about the radiation. If you haven't read this, give up on guessing. The answer is way dumber than you think.
Jose Baker
I assume it's like volunteer work after a natural disaster.
Tyler Johnson
One Miss Liberty or whatever her name is
Tyler Evans
Bloodhaven
Carson Harris
Force of July >>> Freedom's ring
Jason Turner
it's a ridiculously gratuitous umlaut
Carter Gonzalez
Isaac Stewart
Freedom's Ring >>> Dixon's Force of July
Ryan Gonzalez
Eli Bell
Zachary Barnes
Behold the Atomic Knights, the characters this miniseries should about because they're rad as fuck. Sadly, the book refuses to pick a thread and focus on it, so they are not the protagonists.
Colton Evans
Two more bite the dust
Asher Rogers
That really is the worst part about this book, it doesn't manage to be about anything at all
Gabriel Adams
there is literally no reason to give a fuck about any of these people
David Stewart
that last panel, though, I identify with it
Daniel Barnes
Kayden Rogers
Badass
Isaac Smith
oh goodness just look at the time
Dominic Barnes
Tyler Jones
Jace Carter
If anyone is following the plot, I'm not
Christian Baker
It's fascinating to behold these kinds of stories, where despite events technically occurring, nothing actually happens.
Even though I will cheer on the Knights, the story doesn't characterize them well at all. The only reason they're better than the others, is because they have some semblance of competence and an overall goal.
Daniel Diaz
Eli Rivera
the art isn't helping
Andrew Richardson
>Storytime of Pain
Reminder that it's only 106 days till the Weekend Of Pain.
Ethan Robinson
oh look, tits!
Jaxson Young
>It is illegal to gather in groups larger than five!
Welcome to Luthor's republic of Hitlerac.
Blake Lee
Oh no, they killed... that guy!
Aiden Clark
Cannon fodder is "badass"
Andrew Parker
Brayden Gutierrez
Robert Williams
The Weekend of Pain doesn't exist anymore, it was a short-lived meme and people stopped caring quickly
Lucas Nelson
Hey, at least this asshole has a personality
Parker Bailey
Atomic Knights are too good for this awful book. Shit man. Post Apocalyptic Knights of the Round Table protecting their Camelot from strange and bizarre monsters without and all to ordinary paranoia and bigotry within. Fucking tops.
Easton Allen
Charles Gonzalez
This chick's entire point was "boobs"
That was her entire character arc
Like a shitty Power Girl or something
Henry Howard
Sounds trite
Nolan Cook
Right, so Bludhaven gets blown up, and the US government has put the city on lockdown. This pisses off the surviving residents of the city, who want back in.
In theory, this is kinda like a reverse No Man's Land, but in practice, it's a bunch of different factions wandering around the city with unclear goals.
The art is pretty unremarkable, yeah. I get that it's supposed to be bleak to convey the tone of the situation, but it ain't really working.
Elijah Gonzalez
Ummm user, did you seep through every year after the first?
It's happened every year.
Ian James
Adrian Gray
Brody Peterson
>It's happened every year
One guy half-assedly posting some typical bad comics isn't the same as the first year
It never should have been forced into a "tradition"
Brayden Campbell
>you'll find your testicles floating in the tenth dimension
As if he cares about that. If they put them in a cookie jar or a toaster however....
Gavin Ramirez
Grimdarkhaven
Kayden Anderson
>bleak
What? Jurgens' art is like the most typical superhero art on Earth. There's nothing "bleak" about it. Even the deaths haven't been particularly gory or anything.
Juan Murphy
she canna take any more, jim!
Noah Ortiz
you know, for all that we mock it, at least that panel of the Sentry ripping Ares apart is memorable
Bentley Long
Why does Nate have to get pulled into this shitfest, he had so much fun curbstomping Midnighter
Bentley Moore
Okay? I'm rather sure you are wrong, but let's not argue right now and agree to disagree.
Noah Cook
I know people zero-in on the gratuitousness of it and even the comical hypocrisy of having censored swearing in it, but all I can think of is... those ain't organs man. I don't know what you think people have inside them but that ain't it.
I actually thought he was destroying a robot or a flesh construct or something the first time I saw it, not genuinely ripping a dude in half.
William Butler
The only thing I'll agree with is that you're a spineless faggot
Ryan Allen
Isaiah Ward
He's a shitty character no one cares about
Juan Richardson
You could say that about almost everyone in this comic.
Charles Perry
Right? The fact these guys don't have an ongoing is further proof that DC hates fun. As if Heroes in Crisis wasn't evidence enough.
Yeah, let's go ahead and recruit Major Force for this. Cause that always works out so well.
Asher Davis
Liam Stewart
Yes, that's why they got dropped here. You can fuck with them any way you want, no one but a couple nerds will bitch about it anyway.
Ryan Clark
I'm sure an "Atomic Knights" ongoing would sell gangbusters. Not a waste of time or money at all.
Ian Gray
>does anyone care about these character?
>not really, we could nuke them and no one would say anything
>not a bad idea.....
Good old DC.
Dominic Butler
All caught up now, everyone?
Dominic Robinson
Michael Clark
James Baker
lol getting taken down by Tim Drake
Jordan Phillips
Okay, so I've been told that that last bit is referring to Captain Atom: Armageddon. If that's true, then apparently this summary is severely underselling things. And leaving out the bit about the giant Superman/Batman robot.
... I should read Armageddon some time. Sounds like some quality crack.
Adam Ortiz
Hey, Tim was taught to fight by Lady Shiva, Batman and Nightwing.
Levi Watson
Nate went to the Wildstorm Universe and curbstomped everyone, yes
Austin Turner
>AMERIKA
Joseph Ward
it's a lecture! just want I want in my comics!
Liam Robinson
>Sounds like some quality crack.
It could have been good....
If they stuck to their guns anyway.
Zachary Hall
Woooow, that's a lot of fucking exposition. Like, no shame whatsoever.
Jackson Ortiz
more tits!
Dylan Martin
this page cannot be parodied
Isaac Lee
Lincoln Clark
I genuinely have no idea who half these people are
Jordan Lopez
>goes to the Wildstorm universe
Then why didn't they calm it Captain Atom Goes Wild?
>biggest crime in American history
Uh, we've committed a lot of far worse sins than block off an entire city for no reason, Firebrand. Get your head out your ass.
Jaxon Jackson
The BLÜDNATION???
Carson Russell
I am fascinated by shit that's aiming to be that sort of campy self-aware but that falls short
It's no TYRONE CASH, for sure
Henry Russell
Luis Nelson
Gabriel Hall
It's just... the tone of the comic doesn't even support it, man! It's like if during Watchmen (fuck, I'm comparing this to Watchmen now) Ozymandias sent a bunch of robots called Veidtbots to fight Nite Owl and Rorschach as some sort of silly camp joke. What the fuck?
Gabriel Jenkins
I...what?
Joseph Howard
The Black Baron here was the villain of the original Atomic Knights series. He does not interact with them in this book. Because that would make sense, and also fuck you.
And no, he wasn't a pimp in the original. The fuck is this book on?
Brayden King
I want to know what whoever edited this was thinking. "Yeah, keep throwing random shit on the page, it'll come together by the end, right?"
Benjamin Hall
Bentley Powell
Those were all reasonable questions.
Jason Kelly
The Atomic Knights as real entities are by far the best part of this series.
Christian Stewart
And getting drunk and cutting an actor in half
Henry Cooper
Oliver Morris
Hunter Price
Oh look, it's Grey Alien Man. He's my faaaaaavorite.
Jeremiah Roberts
this page was cliche 30 years ago
Nolan Cooper
no one wants THE HUMAN BOMB around
Xavier Ward
Remember when DC actually cared about Tim
Benjamin James
Attitudes like this led DC to retcon the Knights in 1983 as a dream (very similar to the later Justice League episode 'Legends') created by Gardner Grayle, which caused continuity fuck-ups so bad that they make Hawkman's continuity problems seem understandable by comparison.
The Knights are basically dudes in the world's coolest hazmat suits living in a post-apocalyptic setting. In a world where gravitational distances and sun color gives you x-ray vision and a millionaire autist with no powers can beat literal gods with his hands tied behind his back, they're far from the stupidest part of the DC universe.
Lincoln Brooks
>Geez guys, I just blow shit up, what's the big deal?
Julian Reyes
Hey, Storyteller? Did you see that coming? Did you expect a random brain in a jar to morph into a grey alien that wants to help the villain? It's totally a good twist if you didn't see it coming!
I love this piece of shit "story".
One suspects grain alcohol was involved. Or cocaine. Or both.
Kevin James
I said "trite", not dumb. Terms like "Round Table", "Camelot" or "post-apocalyptic" are a pretty easy way to lose interest.
Easton Hernandez
I really wonder how many copies were sold just on Acuna drawing her with a gigantic rack
Isaac Hall
I'm hungover anyway today
Nolan Williams
He was a one shot villain in the original (their most frequent foes were the Atlantean tyrant Khagan and the thinly-veiled Neo-Nazi Kadee), but yes, you're point still stands. Putting him in this series, then never having him meet the Knights is too stupid for words.
Logan Williams
there's three more issues of this and we're reading it Monday and I have to go try to kill said hangover
I hate you all for suggesting this, good night
Jaxon Price
We did?
Thomas Nguyen
When did Father Time become a white guy?
Kayden Hernandez
Is Father Time just a fascist Uncle Sam?
Logan Cooper
Pretty much
Brody Torres
Thanks for posting as always, Storyteller.
We've been reading a lot of good comics around here, so this will give our fill of crap for a while.
I dunno, BfB falls into so bad it's good for me. It's a master class in how not to tell a story. And the pile up of random bullshit along with characters who run around like headless chickens is a right fuckin laugh.
Owen Price
Yeah, there's like, potential for 5 different minis in here, all crammed into one.
Joshua Watson
Missed most of the thread despite backing this as our SoP, catching up now and man what dreck, but it's nice to see other people dunk on it at the same time
Dominic Fisher
Dunno how I feel about Fascist Freedom Fighters.
Dominic Fisher
Not trying to steal OP's thunder, but anyone down for an Atomic Knights storytime?