Started henching for Joker about a year ago

>freeze shills
like fucking clockwork

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Why don't you guys just real jobs

In GOTHAM?

Maybe you should work for the Joker man because that's the funniest shit I've heard all day

At least I don't work for a madman.

>real jobs.
Fuck that

Henching threads are fucking pathetic.
You guys could just get a legitimate job in lexcorp, you'd be doing the exact same fucking shit only legally, and you even get a retirement plan and dental.

Fuck Lex, I aint so sellout

Hey man you try getting a job when the only thing you can put on your resume is was a henchman. Either you admit to a life of crime or just have many years of no experience.

You fucking serious

My sister's boyfriend's cousin used to work there as a janitor and now he's some purple fucking dildo looking motherfucker

Tell the fake Clock King that the real fucking Clock King broke his head open and forced him to get a metal plate there the last time he stole his name.

Next time, boss is going to send me and the rest of the Terror Titans to just fucking kill him and feed him to Copperhead. The real deal didn't sell his soul to Darkseid for some goober to try and steal his gimmick....

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THIS

Henching is more fun anyway. I'm literally robbing people for a mad scientist. Its great.

The GPD has a great henching program, apply today for added networking help

>freeze
>not a madman
Last I heard, he had a personal cell in arkham. The guy's no less crazy than the rest

Because everything in Gotham is mobbed up or basically bleeding out from the mob shaking the owners down. You are going to be working for the mob or being made to live a begger life paying the mob not to kill you.

Plus, there are a lot of us who hench because we want the thrill of going up against so-called "heroes". Hell, there are bars filled with UFC wash-ups, ex-boxers, college wrestlers, and assorted failed college/pro-football players in Gotham that came here simply to fight the Bat.

I got a cousin that worked at a LexCorp in Star City. Said some robot got loose and killed half the people there, before Green Arrow showed up and stopped it with a boxing glove arrow, then got a three hour lecture about nature or recycling or some shit from that super rich hippy.
Things are rough all over, is my point.

sometimes i think those "heroes" are bigger nutjobs than any criminal i've ever worked for.

He's got a cell in Arkham because that weeny Bruce Wayne feels sorry for him and won't let him go down south to one of those super-villain joints. Because he thinks Vic can be "redeemed" or some shit....

Lex routinely has his henchmen take the fall for his latest mad scheme whenever he needs a fall guy to blame for his irrational hatred for Superman. He literally hires ex-cons so he can scapegoat them for when one of his schemes backfires, and that's if he doesn't kill you by having your armor or weapon explode and vaporize you, or turn you into an insane incurable freak.

Not saying he aint crazy, just saying he pays well.

And he wont kill you. except that time with Jimmy.

Press F for poor Jimmy

Jimmy Flatnose or Jimmy Socks

Just stitch a chap costume and start knocking over ATMs, if cops show up threaten them with some bullshit ray, they deal with actual villains often enough it'll make them freeze up, then you run away cackling and they presume its cape business and leave it to a hero.
Havn't had a cape come at me yet, knock on wood.

F

I've heard Scarecrow and Mad Hatter are hiring, should I apply?

you'd have a better chance of making it out alive trying to quit if you worked for dent. seriously, I heard he does the gay coin-flip thing for that too, so it'd be 50/50. then again my cousin who told me this that used to work for dent was a schizophrenic pedophile and even if he did flip it to decide he might just flip it multiple times so don't take my word on that

You ASKED him about RETIREMENT? Haha you moron! There's no way he's just letting you walk after that. I worked for Joker for eight months straight, and when I didn't need to anymore? I just skipped town without a word. Before he realized I was late for work I'd already retired to Metropolis. He's not gonna chase me outta Gotham for not saying goodbye. He'd never have expended the effort to track you down, but now that you've announced you're no more use to him?

What a rube. You were one of the lucky ones, probably clever too, but not clever enough. Marking this one under "Too dumb to live".

>Henching
>ever

You guys are retarded, the real money is in going into villainy for yourself. You're your own boss and you don't have to deal with Two Face "severance packages"

I hear Central City's a great place to set up shop. As long as you keep your villain activities mostly harmless to the civilians and stick to like, robbing banks with a ray gun or something the Flash plays softball with his villains.

It's a ploy, just get your shit and leave.

When you get hit with the prank in your locker, just react like you're surprised.

If you want to get your job back, just pretend you never worked for him before. He'll remember you, but he'll also play along. Guy's pretty easy to get along with if you're willing to play along.

Jimmy the mouth.

Thats the last time anyone said anything bout the woman

>Because he thinks Vic can be "redeemed"
Wayne doesn't care. Fries only started doing crime because he got fired from Wayne Enterprises, so they have to pretend they are trying to "help him" for good publicity.
If the story never went public, Wayne wouldn't do shit.

Hatter will take control of you mind get the fuck away from that guy.

Dunno about scarecrow. Heard some fucked up shit tho

Hatter's fine if you're well read and don't mind dress-up, otherwise Scarecrow.

>hatter
No, you'll end up a vegetable or retarded.
>scarecrow
PTSD guaranteed. The masks are never air tight, so you will always end up shitting yourself on the job. I know a guy who wakes up screaming every night after only a month henching for scarecrow.

If you're not totally desperate, don't go for either

What, you think I live in Gothan just so I can work in big tech? Fuck that, I moved up here specifically to hench.

>get trained in all sorts of interesting, high tech skills
>fight all the time, loot freely
>seniority makes you invincible
>great money

And, every job has a small chance to walk away from it with new superpowers, or high tech cool shit.

Get a real job, don't make me laugh. Henching has never been better.

Jimmy the mouth was never gonna last long in the game anyway

Last time I henched with and Matches and the guy couldn't shut the fuck up about how he was training for mma ans he could take the Bat down with an armbar

Practically ran into a fist when the party got crashed

Dude I heard that shit too. Like the Flash is a softie as long as you ain't some total psycho. More blue collar than I like but if money's tight enough I may hop over there.

Because I don't want to fucking die is why. Lex might get your kids a full ride scholarship or some shit, but you'll never live to see them graduate.

The guy fucks with the S every day. Not that supe's will kill you, but the shit Lex cooks up to fight him will.

No, I'll stick with Ivy. She's a feminist cunt, but she cured my ED, so I'll give her a couple of months.

Scarecrow's a full on sadist who keeps his henchmen prisoner, forces them to take psychotropic drugs for "experiments", and then sends them to their doom.

hows working for two-face? I figure even if I piss him off it's a 50-50 shot at him not offing me so I should be good right?

Ivy is great man, if you water the plants without being told first that woman will be sweet as a peach to you. Scary to watch her deal with any henchman dumb enough to flirt with her though, that shit GAVE me ED.

Only work for Scarecrow if you have extensive hazmat experience.

I can't say for hatter, but I haven't heard good things.

Just hook up with the Joker if you're that desperate. The J's big money, but it's always a gamble. He always needs more bodies.

Yo, do the villains in Central City even hire fucking henchmen, or does everybody just become a villain on their own right there?
I've never seen anybody mention henching for Cold or Boomerang or Mirror Master.

The madder he gets the more he flips, long as you remember that you're gold

Is op dead. I know a few guys who left joker and said the only thing is that their lockers were stuffed with whip cream pie thst was taken out of their severence package

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Well, some people say that you can KINDA tell when the nice harvey's in charge, and take advantage of that? Like it's weird with him. I dunno, I bailed rather quickly, before I learned the ropes.

I worked for J long as you did. Had to stop after my right leg got wrenched something fierce while fighting Bats. Thanks to that wire hook shooter thing(don't know what it's called) he uses. You know the one.

It's been over a year and a half. I live off savings and make some extra money as a mechanic. Still waiting for Gordon's boys to come knocking, each day they don't is a blessing. J still sends me Get Well Soon cards sometimes. It's nice. I don't open them anymore after one of them smelled like burnt wires, but it's nice of him to remember me.

Good luck OP. Joker ain't as bad as people say.

Why hench when you can become your own villain? The Bats got no powers so it shouldn't be hard to make it out on your own?

Heard about that shit, didn't know there were plants that can do that sort of thing

is it true she walks around butt naked?

>The Bats got no powers
And this guy wants to be his own villain

I'm still here, but haven't done anything yet. Just sitting in the locker room, afraid to open it. I'm considering just taking off the clown suit and walking out naked. It wouldn't be funny to just shoot me, but it probably would be "funny" to have the locker explode in my face.

>The Bats got no powers
Just because he doesn't call himself "the speedster" or "the man of steel" doesn't mean he's got no powers.
I don't know what his deal is, but it's clear that he can teleport and/or go invisible. I think he might actually be a vampire or something.

Just get it over with, already. The one thing J hates more than anything is waiting.

Odds are 50/50 its pie or a bomb.

It's like a leaf bikini thing, I dunno I never wanted to stare too long just in case. You do not piss off a woman who can do those sorts of things to you before you die. I saw a guy turn purple and bleed from the eyes once, on account of the boss getting pissed at him ogling the clown broad when she was around one day.

You're going solo in Gotham? Look at this tough guy. Bet you get knee capped on your first job or the Penguin's goons drop you into the river for hitting one of his places.

She doesn't wear clothes, she wears plants. It sounds hot until you realize that it looks horrible in person. I mean she's still hot and more often than not she's making out with Harley Quinn but that just means you've got to deal with the Joker occasionally

And yet he's never lost. Honestly, the smartest move would be to try and get into the political game (hench for cobblepot or Freeze for a couple of years, I hear they have some contacts), petition to change vigilante laws and run a smear campaign on him for how he treats Robin. I'm sure CPS would love to help you out with that last one since what good authority figure has a pre-teen dependant running around at 1am every other night

Don't leave, just pray to your god/s and open the locker. Even if there's just cream in there, you don't want the Joker to get annoyed and try to deliver it to your house. Even worse, he could send Harley and then you're guaranteed a slow, painful, humiliating death.

Is it true that J wears a chastity belt now? Heard that Gordon is making him nervous lately.

You have to open it. Now that he's told you to do it. You have to let the joke play out.

At this point it's maybe you get a pie or a squirt gun or a bang flag, or maybe killed by Joker venom or a booby trap. The other option is definitely getting killed either way for fucking up the punchline. You know how he is about punchlines.

I heard he was an actual bat that got trained to be a ninja.

Like one of those experiments you hear about sometimes

Hey fellas I have been thinking of setting up my own score. I've been casing this Wayne manor and I swear to god the only two people that live there are Bruce Wayne and his old ass butler. I bet that if I can cut the alarm system I could take both of them down easy and pilfer some nice things. Do any of you have any tips on this sort of thing?

You will just piss him off if you don't open it. What are your odds then?

Man, whoever has been tagging the question "why hasn't Gordon raped the joker?" under bridges and shit lately is sure to get themselves killed one of these days, but damn if it isn't funny.

Kidnap the Butler when he goes out shopping and hold him hostage.

Don't buy into that crazy Gordon crap they put in the tabloids. I bet you think Hill secretly works with the CIA too.

Basement windows are often overlooked, try to get in that way. Probably nothing but antique shit down there but you'll have access to the upstairs from there.

I did and I saw the CEO running to an elevator look like 40 fucking cakes in a BRIGHT pink leather jumpsuit.

I'm sorry I just can't something about that just doesn't seem right.

I got hired here in Gotham as what they call a "mini boss" idk what that means but pic related is me.

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anyone else feel like the job market has been getting tighter since those league of shadows fellas set up shop?

i swear half of those guys aren't even alive with how many hours they clock in a night. plus most of them don't even speak english so you can't banter about before getting your teeth kicked out

That Butler Has a shotgun, man. He sees you your dead.

Hit the mayor, he's got less security.

Are you a cape or a cop? Either way that ain’t a real job either.

Rumor has it that Wayne stays cooped up in there refusing visitors and phonecalls and pissing into jars like Howard Hughes. If you do sneak in, check his closets, post results. (Bet it's fulla piss jars)

Guys, I think I got off the wrong exit to get to the recruitment center at Gotham and ended up in some gay ass place called "Minhertten" or something.

You know how we all know Joker wants the bat dick? Pretty gay right? Well you won't believe this next bit. There's some super that shot JIZZ at me. It was super sticky and white so it must have been jizz but the guy blew BUCKETS of the stuff out of his wrist! What kinda super power is that? The papers call him "Spider-boy" or something equally gay. He doesn't even LOOK like a spider. At least Batman dresses like a bat. For as gay as Gotham is, at least Batman doesn't pin his enemies to the ground with cum.

How do I get back to Gotham?

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The thing is that its funnier for the punchline to be that you were hyping yourself up over nothing

Damn shame, can't even make a dishonest livin' anymore without some ninja stealing your score.

Okay guys, I bit the bullet and opened it
Good news is I'm alive. You were right, it was a fucking pie, hit me right in the face. At first I thought I should open it from the side, so that whatever's inside doesn't hit me, but like says, if the joke didn't run to its punchline, I would probably be even more screwed.

Bad news is, it doesn't come off. I've been scrubbing for like, 10 minutes now, and the "cream" is stuck to my entire face. I have no idea what this shit is.

There's an old waterfall near the Wayne manor with a cave I went spelunking in one time as a kid, if you get some mining equipment you could probably go from there into Wayne manor.
Funny thing, though, is that I can only find the cave on older maps so it might have collapsed or been filled in, in the intervening years. Might want to scout it out first.

>It’s funny.
It’s probably J himself. It would just make perfect sense if that was his fetish.

My gramps says Pennyworth is ex SAS you don't want to mess with that guy.

Thought of that but would Wayne really give a shit about his butler? For all I know he will just laugh before hanging up the phone and snorting some blow off a hooker's butt.
That's a good idea, I think I did see a few of those around the back.
The butler is like 70 or something, I just got to pack some iron and stay quiet and I am golden. Besides I hear that Wayne is a real anti-gun nut so maybe he won't even allow anything bigger than a bottle rocket in his house.
Nah, my money is that he would keep his jars just sort of around the liquor cabinet or wherever he keeps his stash for convenience.
I'm not about to fuck around a cave that has already had one cave in.

Fly by night wannabe "save the world" types. Thinks killing all the criminals will stop crime.

Just shoot them. all the marital arts in the world won save you from buckshot.

I heard that Riddler tests potential henchmen with a locked room puzzle and if they can't figure out how to escape he just leaves them to starve. True/false?

>he’s never been to Manhattan
>he literally lives a river away
Jesus Christ isn’t like you faggots aren’t even Americans. I’m sorry you got triggered by the bright colors and semi-breathable air.

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>knocking over liquor store at midnight
>hear someone behind me
>cute as fuck redhead in a bat costume
>"Anyone ever tell you crime doesn't pay?"
>havn't slept in two days, barely able to register what she's even saying, plus skintight bat costume
>stammer out "Y-you too"
>tfw she broke my arm
Got a good slimey lawyer though, had me out with time served after five months.

Oh shit I didn't see that, geezer or not I had better be careful when trying to take him down.

take your stupid roleplaying somewhere else.

seen this before.

Its some kind of glue. Happened to this guy i know.

It comes off after a few days. thats the joke

True, but it's pretty much literally an escape room, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even design them himself. If you google around, there are tutorials like "how to win any escape room", and it's all you need. I don't think anybody died in those while I was henching, though a few people had to sleep in there before they bruteforced their way out.

Careful when washing it off. He's used shit like that before and if you use any kind of soap with sulfates in it BAM! Joker gas.

My sides user. Anyone else have spaghetti stories

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chad user

Packed up my things, put a hoodie on and left. fucking cream's still on my face, I'll try cleaning it over at home.
you sure it does? I'm half expecting it to explode, half expecting it to scar my face permanently.

Well I don't do much henching and just work as a bouncer at one of Cobblepot's clubs. Decent work and the only crappy part is having to haul some shady crates around every now and then. Anyway, I only took this job because I heard Orca henches for him every now and then, so far nothing yet but I'm holding out hope.

>semi-breathable
Watching new yawkars are nyew joisie people fight is like watching rats chasing each other in a parking lot.
Now Metropolis, there’s a place to live. No obnoxious accents, no incompetent vigilantes, plus, low taxes.

Nah, you'll be fine.

Just like this guy said. don't wash it. just wait for it to peel off on it's own.

All that being said this is pretty funny LMAO

No but everyone is going to know where it comes from. Might want to keep a low profile till it's gone.

>No but everyone is going to know where it comes from
I was just writing a post about that. The cops probably already know to arrest everybody with cream on their mug.

>living in the shadow of a deadly megacorp
>thinks a newspaper is a tourist attractions
Yeah I’ll stick with hot dogs and gargoyles.

I would say you should stop off at a gas and go and stock up on a few days worth of food and such and just sit tight at your place until it can be peeled off.

Find a way that willing you wouldn't make it funny. If you expect to get killed you will get killed. When you leave say "I bet i'm going to die in a horrible way in the next few minutes!".
Joker can only kill you if it's funny and ruining the joke before hand and expecting it makes it not funny.

If you're a dumbass who makes fun of Mr. Cobblepot sure but then again anyone who makes of Mr. Cobblepot desires a bullet in their head. Mr. Cobblepot is a good man.

You sure? I heard he wrecked a dude's life because he was laughing in his general direction?

>TFW the joker paid me $20 to watch over his car

That dude had it coming. Mr. Cobblepot takes no disrespects but he'll happily show it when given it.

Implying Lexcorp gives dental. You've been scammed bucko

Ok relax buddy I am pretty sure your boss isn't monitoring your internet connection.

>you’re getting paid
How do I make the transition lads?

Hey man, maybe start a union or something. Not just within one villain group, but across all villains. I'm sure a lot of us have been wanting to form one. These guys are crooks, and not just in the literal sense.

Chop off your cock.

That's not a very nice thing to imply about Mr. Cobblepot. Buddy.

Be jovial, be amicable, be a pleasant person to be around. Do not try to be witty.

Oh shit it's the Joker!

Cut it with the brown nosing alright, and I'm not your buddy, guy. I swear all of Cobblepot's goons stick their noses up at the rest of us.

Now why would I hang around here?

Anyone else henching for Supervillainesses? Which ones will keep me around as a strong lapdog and not put spikes through my balls?

I'm serious, this fucker is just staring at me. I'm not playing around guys. Just tell me how to get Gotham, I'm scared. This fucker is starting to scare me. This ain't a joke guys I'm fucking scared.

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He's just hungry. Buy him some street meat and ask him for directions.

Catch the train, Gotham is literally a 40 minute train ride away.

He can tell how gay you are and is waiting for you to give it up and pull your pants down.

Yeah, they are acting a bit FISHY. It's probably because their boss looks down his nose on others.

Ain't a super or some rich shmuck in an animal costume, rather let the guy with the ice gun deal with 'em.

>Which ones will keep me around as a strong lapdog and not put spikes through my balls?
Pro tip: All supervillainesses are lesbians and/or feminists.
I know it's hot, but don't even think about it.

OH GOD DON'T KILL ME

I don't know, that cat bitch seems awfully interested in batman.

So I think Chucky O'Brien is Clayface. Swear that mole under his eye was like an inch lower last week and the sink is always filthy with mud after he uses the restroom.

>expecting a gothamite to understand the subway system
You know they still use gaslight lamps over there.

I think he s v fsevs adffddckyf t yy

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Well you just blew your own theory out of the water there, Sherlock. You said it's always full of mud, and you are talking about a man of clay.

Dude got jizzed to death in NYC. Not the first tourist to suffer such a fate.

▶Maybe you are in Gotham, I think that's Joker's silly string.

I have no clue who Chucky is or where you're working, but I work at Stagg, and we have a policy to report all suspected shapeshifters.

I used to hench in Gotham until I nearly killed Cobblepot in a fit of rage. Cobblepot agreed not to come after me as long as I stayed away from the Iceberg. Every villain knows about what I did, so I can't hench, though I get a ton of offers still.

Anyone got some tips for moving to Metropolis?
I'm tired of the crazies in Gotham and I feel like if I'm going to get beaten up and arrested, I may as well do it in a city where there's the chance that Supergirl (or Powergirl, who looks suspiciously like an older Supergirl. Maybe she's her mom?) will be the one doing it to me.

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Take your semantics and shove them up your ass pal.
It's one of the fine dining establishments run by Black Mask. Thing is, I'm pretty sure the boss won't give a shit. Not really sure what to do with this.

Nuts to both of yous. I was just stick up for my boss who has fellas like us workin' a 'honest' days work and all I get is all this nose non-sense.

Oh yeah, of course, I used to hench in gotham until I had a threesome with poison ivy and harley quinn. Joker agreed not to do anything to me if I let him suck my dick.
It's true. Really happened. Can't tell you who I am of course, because I value my privacy.

Naw man, I've seen Joker String used before on other guys. Since I'm still breathing I'm sure it ain't. Wish I wasn't tho, shit got in my mouth.

Fuck it, taking finding a train station and getting the fuck out of this gay ass city.

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Yea, and I bet you also managed to take down Sid The Squid in a fistfight too.
I was just joking around you thin skinned weenie, I swear to god even Bruce Wayne could kick your ass if you this sensitive.

>Spider themed costume
>web shooter
>not in Gotham
Might be the Black Spider? I think he's a hitman or a mercenary or something like that. I'm surprised you came out of that alive because if you pissed off someone enough to make them hire him then your train will probably derail "accidentally" before it reaches Gotham.

Funny, I don't recall ever seeing you around MR. Cobblepot before.

Fuck me, I think you're right. He's here. I'll try to go to another train.

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That's not that spider guy, you're thinking about that merc. Guy wears red too. That what's his face. Errr Deadpool guy.

GUYS HOLY SHIT OH FUCK I THINK IT'S THE BAT WHAT DO I DO WHAT I DO OH FUCK

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So I was cleaning up (scrounging around) after Bane's latest fight with the Bat and I found this on the floor. Is it real? Because if so, how fucked up are things if Hell has Monopoly-tier rules.

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Hoo boy here comes another Cobblepot white knight here to defend his lord's honor the moment he catches a whiff of one of us saying his boss's farts don't smell like cinnamon. I don't like the idiot with his claims either but I think all of us were on the nose when we called bullshit.

Throw a rock at him!

A job went bad when the Bat arrived. I bolted as soon as I saw him. I ran back to the hideout at the time. Cobblepot was there with his umbrella. He tried stabbing me with it because I ran. Got pissed and nearly killed him. Drug his face through a window and told him to leave me alone if he wanted to live. He agreed. Cobblepot was always petty before that, but I'm the reason why he kills anyone that tries to leave, though I never snitched on him.

This was a long time ago, mid 2000's. I still get offers from the villains in Gotham but I always turn them down.

That's nothing, I used to hench in Metropolis until I banged all the chicks in the Justice League Watchtower. Superman agreed to not do anything to me so long as I spotted him while he was lifting weights. I swear to god every last word of this is the truth, I can't tell you who I am though because Darkseid warned me that revealing my name would unleash an evil even darker than him.

I've died twice now and it is bullshit down there. Might as well install a revolving door and the demons are all trying to get their hits in while the gettin's good you know?

Do I have to die to use it or is it only for people that go on an Orpheus-esque quest?

>Orca
A man of taste I see. Though you could never truly have a relationship because of your fetishisation of her

remember the greentext user

>shit got in my mouth.
How salty was it?

You mean Deathstroke? He wears orange and blue, though.

Still, better there than ending up in Hub City.
I'd insult Buster Keaton in front of the Joker before ever going there.

Just use it if you are ever in hell.

Dear god, is it so wrong for me to have this...thing for her and to want to have just a chance with her? I have seen her in the papers, she just looks so fucking lonely and I want to see if I can help fill that void!

Listen user I'm not disgruntling sexual attraction, things make people happy, thats normal. But the thing is you can't just go into a relationship thinking with ya dick, thats the last thing you orca -or any woman -wants becuase it'll just lead to a toxic relationship ending in failure.

Pretty salty to know it ain't silly string that's for sure.

Fucking Christ! I hate to admit this to myself but I know you're right. I guess that tears it, putting in my notice with Cobblepot and let him know he needs a new bouncer. Well maybe I'll have a few drinks and then I will have one last dream.

Lol, just work for Killer Moth dumdums.

Alright, I've survived the asylum and Arkham City. I know what to do, I'll just shout grenade and throw a grenade at him.

Either I get broken bones from the bat or a boner from the spider. Wish me luck, boys.

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it's not the bat
you're being rused
the laughing one
has you confused

Don't clean out your lock.
Calmly walk out of the building. Avoid anything that looks like it might be a punchline. Go out a side entrance if you need to.
The Joker won't kill you if there's no joke.

Leave Gotham. Don't run with another crew. Leave all your shit and get out. If you think you'd be safe from Joker by running with Dent or Cobblepot or something, don't.
Just head to Metropolis and run with one of the smaller operations.

Superman is nowhere near as bad as the Bat, either. That pointy eared prick breaks bones and shatters faces. Superman just ties you up or personally delivers you to the cops. The big boy scout doesn't leave you with head trauma.

Dude, he might be dead by this time.

>Go out a side entrance if you need to.
That's an "Exit stage left" If I've ever seen one. Probably has a scythecrook and a shitty laugh track.

I remember Moth had me on contract to supervise some currency defrauding (Mexican Pesos i think) and then Batgirl showed up and for like, twenty five minutes she kept saying sexual innuendoes like that she wanted him to whisper tender sweetness into her ear whilst he pounded her like, and I quote, "She was the Jason to his crowbar." Don't get what the fuck it means but I'm pretty sure that he popped a stiffy as he flew away with her in pursuit as the cops rounded the rest of us up

They are fucking dude, go question any other who works/worked for him and they will tell you how Batgirl starts acting out of character when he is present. Did he even contact you again?

Well he did send me my pay although the job technically failed -which I had to promptly use to hire a shitty lawyer to get out of it. Not gonna lie if I was a superhero minx I'd cream it just over his voice too have you even heard it? Orgasmic

I worked for Hatter. I don't remember much of anything. He graciously accepted me and gave me a cup of tea. Next thing I know I'm waking up dressed as a freakin' turtle with a cow head, feelin' like a truck hit me, surrounded by a bunch of other unconscious guys, and police sirens are blarin' outside. I don't even think he paid me.

Philadelphia is a great choice too, the Red Cheese is just an snarkier Superman.

How did you scrape enough money together to move to Metropolis? Just finding an open apartment in that city is impossible.

Was your butthole sore after you woke up?

No, but I definitely felt violated.

Ah, somehow that sounds worse than just waking up with a sore ass or with a salty taste in your mouth.

That scumbag, piece of shit, cocksucker Superman wannabe gave me a wedgie then hanged me from a fucking lamp post.

ANY OF YOU FUCKERS THINK ABOUT SIMPLY MUGGING OLD LADIES IN A CITY WITHOUT ANY CAPECUNTS?

>a city without capecunts
Well folks, looks like someone just fell off the turnip truck and hit their head on the pavement.

Like where? They got a fucking space station watching all of us. You can't sneeze in the daylight without someone slapping cuffs on you anymore.

>henching for evil scientists like Freeze
>sit around all day doing maintenance and calibrations on gigantic evil death rays that never even get used
>cushy chair, Freeze is too busy monologuing or getting drunk on melodrama to actually notice I'm on my phone all the time
>when the Bat shows up, the worst I'll get is a batarang into my work console
You guys really should have gone back for your degree.The super science henching racket is the way to go.

No thanks, I don't want to be around a giant death ray when one of their fights winds up making the thing blow up in my face.

just go to some "flyover state" and do simple shit, capecunts are too busy going after the big named assholes

>deleted
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT
i knew a janny is a capecunt, I had my suspicions

Last time I did that the Flash gave me a lecture on how I was just wasting his time. Honestly, I think it might just be better if we form a group and go steal shit from some european country like France or Sweden.

>post speculates batman may be itt
>deleted less than a minute after posting hmmmmmm

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I've never actually seen a death ray that works. Closest I ever saw was one of those spotlights from mall openings, throw a green lens on it and get some dry ice going. It was supposed to just be a mockup for a laser weapon, the kind that shoot down drones but we got busted before we could even start working on it.

I work for Lexcorp and we once sold a working death ray to the League of Shadows. Tim did deserve to be the live fire test subject, though. The dick kept on rummaging around the fridge and eating people's snacks.

I heard henching for magic using villains is a 50/50
yes I know, there is a chance you will be sacrificed for some dark ritual with your guts spilling out but I heard there is a chance you get invited to some ritualistic sabbath orgy
the guy who told me this smelt faintly like rotten eggs and started spazzing out about "UHHAUHRAUR TRIGON" though

how about Canada?

Guys, I just got accepted by The Spook. Anything to worry about?

Unless you can either prove your magical lineage, get tested for magical potential (which usually happens after you've been working there for long enough to be trusted) or you're a cute girl then you're probably not going to be invited to those orgies. Most mage villains are worse than nazis when it comes to keeping the bloodline pure.

Nah, Canada is close enough to be covered by the faster members of the Justice League. You have to go far enough that even though the heroes are going at supersonic speeds, you have enough time to escape before they get there.

I should have guessed Satan would hench for a guy with a racist name!

he will literally die in non sub-zero temperature. Oh I´m sure he wont mind roommate but nobody want their ass frozen

I hope you like fog machines, Satan.

>those numbers
>The Spook
oh boy

>Mad Hatter
just no. I can do wierd costume, freaky gimmick, mind control but underage blond loli...nope.

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I work in a coffee shop in Gotham and sometimes have to pay protection money to falcone also this one time I swear Bruce Wayne once came in with a reporter friend from Metropolis I usually mind my own business but couldve sworn I heard them talking about the recent equipment theft from star labs as well as the recent oil tanker that disappeared dammed if I know why Bruce Wayne would be discussing such stuff with a reporter in a random coffee shop of all places

Probably just talking Gotham up to be a shithole so that his philanthropy looks better. Wouldn't surprise me if he was dirty.

>henching
You guys crack me up. Just join GCPD.
Its a licence to con.
Worst happns bats ties you up.
You still keep your badge, GCPD is the way to go.

Also old gordo aint that bad. Hes not as rapey as the media portrays.

hey, what do you know about Intergang? they pay you good? I mean Falcones and Maronis aren't what they used to be and I'm kinda sick of Gotham

Name one place of employment in Gotham that Joker, Dent, Penguin, Hatter, Scarecrow, Ivy, Croc, or etc. won't target. We've got a nutjob for everything in this city. From potted plants to loose change. Not to mention the mobs.
My cousin was a lawyer. Wanna take a guess at how that turned out?

Nice try Gordon but our puckers are never coming near you!

The way Bruce Wayne acts feels weird to me.
He's overly nice and way too well groomed, i swear he has an inch think of make up on his face at all times. He just seems so fake like he's hiding something.

Any former henches for Joker confirm this rumor? That he got punked by some fat asshole he tried fucking with? Heard the dude was just a normal person. Not a cape or anything.

I don't think I've heard of any major villains going after garbage collectors. Hell, my cousin's route has gone through places where Ivy's set-up shop and other than the occasional comment about how his vehicle is killing mother Earth, he doesn't really have anything happen to him.

You mean Charlie? Fuck man even Sid The Squid doesn't tussle with that guy. People say those two meeting up would be like immovable object vs unstoppable force.

Just wait, until Ratcatcher decides to set up base at the dump.

You lot all fucking disgust me, you could be doing some good for the world, eradicating pests like Superman. But you're all focused on your petty crimes, because of it you fail to realize the good you could do for the world. Why waste your time on this foolish henching nonsense? It's pitiful.
Don't you see? Superman, Batman, all of them, the world would change for the better if we were to band together and wipe them and the rest of their ilk off the face of the planet.
Surely one of you agrees with me, at least one of you.

Piss off, Lex. If your Legion of Doom couldn't do it, what makes you think we could?

Oh yea let me just get my giant pile of money and kryptonite pistol and I will totally be down to mess with the S.

>poor as shit family
>no money for uni or anything
>older bro gets into the GCPD
>nicest bloke in the city
>helps old ladies across the street, gives change to junkies, volunteers at the soup kitchen on the east side
>also makes a decent wage, at least enough that we aren't struggling to get by
>want to be just like him, sign up for the academy
>get accepted, want to ring up and tell him the news
>no way to get in contact with him
>hear nothing for about a month, everyone is panicked as shit
>find him in an ice cube decapitated down by the dogs
>fucking capes or some shit
how fucked am I bros. Honestly should have just gone with henching I'm scared

Psst.. Lex... forty cakes ;>)

Just do desk work. You'll be surprised how much you can make on the side, and how little people care about killing you, when you're the one doing all the paperwork.

Henching ain't an easy life, you also have to be willing to do things that will make you lose sleep at night and shit your pants at the idea that there may be an afterlife and you get judged.

Learn from your brother's mistake. Don't be a good cop. If someone offers you a few bucks to look the other way, then you do it.

Fuck you, I'm not sharing my cakes.

>shit your pants at the idea that there may be an afterlife and you get judged.
Sucks to be you, I've got my afterlife sorted out

Yea, but you are going to go back eventually, that's the worst thing. Not unless you plan to use your second shot at being a 'good guy'

Why would a smart, influential man such as Lex Luthor waste his times on a bunch of troglodytes such as yourselves?
Everyone with any sort of sense realizes the harm that disgusting creature has done to our beautiful planet.

Because you're the most insecure guy on the planet despite having it all. That and I bet you found out that the S has a bigger wee wee than you so you come here and post anonymously to try and cope.

yeah, sure I wanna sign up for that bountiful police salary of 25 bucks a month and a bullet to the knee every tuesday

Lex, when you made your Kryptonite armor why didn't you include a helmet?

What, like those turtle things people say live in the sewers? I henched for Killer Croc for a few months two years back and never saw a sign of 'em.

Speaking of which, Croc's an okay guy to hench for so long as you don't do anything terminally stupid, like insult his appearance within earshot. Never saw him actually eat anybody but he came real close a couple times. I had to quit 'cause the environment didn't agree with my lumbago.

t. Killer Croc

Anyone tried to throw punchlines back when the capes show up? I'm not really witty so I would have to write them down in advance. Like what would you respond if Batgirl said to you "Crime doesn't pay you know"?

"My bank account says somethin' different"

Is OP still alive?

I never wanted to talk about it, but I wanted to leave Joker once for personal reasons and he had nothing against it
>be me
>work in Joker granade assembly line
>occasionally be called to the field during the biggest fights with Batman
>not to fight, to do the fireworks
>Joker says he likes his show to looks like cartoons for some personal reasons including destroying all four walls so Batman falls from the roof, or something
>meet Clarise, the most wonderful woman on Earth
>that's literally her job occupation
>She is the most wonderful woman on Earth 8hr a day
>and then she gives you this look that makes you fall in love
>strange thing, she has the same feelings
>happy relationship
>want to marry
>be broke
>go to Joker for a little raise
>he actually offers me a cup of tea and says he really appriciates my work but he just can't handle that raise with all the other henchmen being in prison and him paying their families as if they were in his service
>we did not talk in years
>he turned out to be a really nice guy, outside of jokering, you know
>I told him I must change the job then
>he was sad, but understanding
>he wrote me the best credentials I ever had
>It took about three hours and twelve cups of tea
>He then said to me to clean my locker before I leave
>Sure
>I did what he ordered and found an envelope
>Inside were the pictures of Clarise, the most wonderful woman on Earth before sex-change operation
>Turned out the most wonderful woman on Earth used to be a man
And that's how Jokermade me realize no woman can ever meet my criteria and now I produce generic cover letter for wanna-be-lawyers and general office workers without degree, so I guess I got promoted.

OP, I think you should open the locker.

Btw, watch out at Clarise, the most wonderful woman on Earth. She may be into you, but once you know, nothing's the same.

>Is OP still alive?
back in my apartament with cake spunk on my face. Trying to read up online whether there is a way to remove it. Found joker's ex-henchman on /r/hench, but it seems that he has a bunch of different tricks, and half of the posts seem like bullshit.
Guess I'll have to wait and see.

Is OP still alive?

I never wanted to talk about it, but I wanted to leave Joker once for personal reasons and he had nothing against it
>be me
>work in Joker granade assembly line
>occasionally be called to the field during the biggest fights with Batman
>not to fight, to do the fireworks
>Joker says he likes his show to looks like cartoons for some personal reasons including destroying all four walls so Batman falls from the roof, or something
>meet Clarise, the most wonderful woman on Earth
>that's literally her job occupation
>She is the most wonderful woman on Earth 8hr a day
>and then she gives you this look that makes you fall in love
>strange thing, she has the same feelings
>happy relationship
>want to marry
>be broke
>go to Joker for a little raise
>he actually offers me a cup of tea and says he really appriciates my work but he just can't handle that raise with all the other henchmen being in prison and him paying their families as if they were in his service
>we did not talk in years
>he turned out to be a really nice guy, outside of jokering, you know
>I told him I must change the job then
>he was sad, but understanding
>he wrote me the best credentials I ever had
>It took about three hours and twelve cups of tea
>He then said to me to clean my locker before I leave
>Sure
>I did what he ordered and found an envelope
>Inside were the pictures of Clarise, the most wonderful woman on Earth before sex-change operation
>Turned out the most wonderful woman on Earth used to be a man
And that's how Jokermade me realize no woman can ever meet my criteria and now I produce generic cover letter for wanna-be-lawyers and general office workers without degree, so I guess I got promoted.

OP, I think you should open the locker.

Btw, watch out at Clarise, the most wonderful woman on Earth. She may be into you, but once you know, nothing's the same.

Open it.

Joker, if you're reading it, please come down to Mesa. We have a really nasty bat infestation here

>I could move to a city where all the old ladies have already been mugged so hard that my entire haul is going to be a set of false teeth and a copy of TV guide from ca 1985

>or I could stick to Gotham where people are f*cking loaded and take the 1 in 1.000.000th risk of one guy, ONE GUY spots me and then proceeds to NOT SHOOT ME but hand me over to the authorities in an orderly fashion

It's like russian roulette with one bullet and one of those helicopter miniguns.

What? I'm not Lex, but if I had to speculate, I'd say he probably did it to make sure that the last thing that filthy Kryptonian sees is his face.

>he wouldn't fuck clarisse
doubtless joker realised your existence is a funnier joke than killing you could ever be

>probably did it to make sure that the last thing that filthy Kryptonian sees is his face
Genius. Diabolical.

oof

It fucking burns, man, but I made my mind and I will live with it like a man. Not like a wanna-be-man, no matter how wonderful she really is.

>People still hench
>Don't train their body and mind in the most badass martial arts and ninja shit

Better to be a badass ninja in the League of Shadows than henching for fucking mad men all the time.

>He feel for the ninja trick
L
M
A
O
PARTY ROCK IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT!

I can’t believe I’m still alive after that weird merge shit that tried to happen. Freaking magic ninjas running around killing criminals and anyone who stood in their way

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Anyone know how to set up a dead man's switch? You could rig an amusement park with explosives and if you're not completely satisfied you can hit the Joker where it really hurts.

Unpopular opinion

>Working for Lex is still henching

Stayed far, far away from that one. Was there really a Freeze wannabee with ice magic?

Cap Cold is lit.

Dude said he was some martial arts master and actually could freeze people without a gadget. Must have been a superhero or something. One was a demon ninja or some shit too

Don't sound like no super to me. I don't know what I should expect anymore tho.

For all I know supes could take over the world

You're lucky, I've got this weird sealed glass tube in my garage with an egg (see pic related) inside it. I've been thinking of what to do with it and I think I'll give Lexcorp a call. I hear they have a pretty decent bounty program for weird things like this and I'd like to pay off my student loans before I turn 40.

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I feel ya. A lot of people wait their entire lives to meet the Bat, because he's so damn shadowy unlike Metropolis or Fawcett heroes. But me. I got my fuckin' finger broken by the guy I'm not actually a criminal. I feel like half of these anons are shitposting to try and seem cool, but I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and REEEALLY wanted to see if I'd get interrogated after watching some mooks rob a nearby bank. It was pretty sweet. Every day the prospect of getting choked out by Batwoman or the Batgirl makes me wanna hench, but I know deep down I'd probably get killed.

Speaking of BG, I haven't heard from her in months. I wonder if she pulled a Nightwing or something and fucked off to another city.

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Try warming it up, user, then post what comes out.

HENCH 4 LIFE

The glass feels warm to the touch (and oddly smooth, probably some weird plastic compound) but I'm not even thinking of opening it up. As long as it's sealed I can sell it.
Also, I'd rather not risk the chance of getting the space equivalent of the common cold and becoming patient zero for a super-plague. I'll leave that kind of thing to the researchers.

>A billionaire playboy wears a lot of make up.
How is that surprising? Male celebrities wear makeup all the time.

Didn't his place get taken over by some rich kid

Who the fuck needs that many cakes?

Considering the two guys in "The Last Laugh" went along with the scheme without any apparent qualms, I'd argue they were crazy to begin with.

One of their few lines was related to how thrilled they were to get to fight.

>"It's about time!"
>"What are we waiting for?"

Metropolis is expensive dude

I don't have to worry about housing, by day I'm a researcher for LexCorp and they've been wanting me to transfer to HQ (Metropolis) for a while now.
Part of the transfer package would be my own fully furnished 2x1 apartment near LexCorp Tower (they only offer proper houses and larger apartments to employees with kids), and they'll buy my old apartment from me to rent it out to a future employee. No matter what Lex does, he at least knows how to keep his employees loyal.

Unless you've gotten your degree in some high profile shit, most of the things LexCorp would have you do is just normal work.

Anyone with that high profile degree though gets brought on specifically to work in Lex's how-do-I-mess-with-Superman department.
The guy has entire buildings and labs dedicated to all manner of projects with the singular goal of menacing, harassing, or otherwise inconveniencing Superman.

The most you'll see of those places without being an egghead is if you're a delivery boy tasked with bringing the eggheads their supplies.

Hey I've been in and out of wage slave jobs since getting discharged and looking at joining up with some crew. My question is this; what's the best time of year to star henching? Like I figured summer might not be so bad, figured Bats isnt gonna be out in the heat on whatever the hell he's wearing.

Mid-late November all the villains run a big hiring campaign and they'll usually accept anyone, but you better want it really bad because you'll be put in intensive training for a few weeks to get you, and every other henchman that wouldn't otherwise be hired, up to standards.
Each year all the Gotham based villains, and quite a few villains that Batman managed to piss off outside of Gotham, get together and go all out trying to kill the bat. It usually starts between the 20th of December and the 2nd of January. Most times it's on Christmas or New Years but it really depends on who runs the op that particular year because if they're Jewish they'll decide they want Batman's head for a Hanukkah present or some shit like that.

Welp this seems like a good place for ideas.
I'm at rockbottom right now. I can't pay little Susie's medical bills for next month and the asshole banks won't even lend me a cent more. I'm jobless right now too since I guess it's against store policy to actually defend yourself when gettin robbed. So much for justice and stoppin crime and all that.
Well what I'm sayin right now is, could you guys give a tip on when the next heist gonna be at? I'm doing this for her so I don't care if some crazy nutjob eventually hunts me down and cut my balls off or something, the plan is just for me to slip in with you guys during the dust or something and slip out with a few valuebles while some big shootout or a fight with some superguy is goin on. Not like some cape would actually pay attention to you guys unless you have a deathwish and fly into their fists or somethin.
Help a fella out would ya?

I saw him rip a guy’s spine out with zero effort. Dude was freaking terrifying. Even got footage of it

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>little Susie's medical bills
>the asshole banks won't even lend me a cent
>could you guys give a tip on when the next heist gonna be at?
>I'm doing this for her
>the plan is just for me to slip in with you guys during the dust or something and slip out with a few valuebles while some big shootout or a fight with some superguy is goin on.
>Not like some cape would actually pay attention to you guys unless you have a deathwish and fly into their fists or somethin.
>Help a fella out would ya?
You're too obvious so the chances of you being Batman are slim to none. So either Robin's been replaced again or you're a new vigilante looking to take down some "stupid crooks". How about you just give up and do some proper investigatory work.

Either your locker is rigged with an explosive or spring loaded knife, or he's fucking with you and wants you to be dreading that until you get there. I'd say it's a 50/50 shot.
You think any of us can afford to move to Metropolis? If we had that kind of scratch we wouldn't be henching.

So it's basically a henchman Hunger Games? Huh...neat. I assume some crews do better than others, like Freeze's crew does better than whatever schleps hench for Condiment King.

Hench for life, fucker.

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Guys. I think of going clean guys. The guilt... The guilt has been eating at me. I can't sleep. I can't eat. And I've been very anxious lately. I-I think going to the cops is a bad idea but maybe the bat. Yeah, maybe Batman would forgive me. What do you guys think?

Not really a hunger games, well there was that one time after the first movie came out and the Joker thought to turn one of the training exercises into a hunger games scenario but we only lost a third of the overall henchmen before Deathstroke arrived (thankfully he arrived early) to take over and stopped them before we lost too many more. On the upside the survivors were not only the most well behaved henchmen, but that year had the highest retention rate by a large margin.

Cops are better. If you go to Batman then all you'll get is a couple of broken bones and then you'll be shipped off to the cops anyway. At least if you go directly to the cops they won't have a recorded confession and you could get some legal help to either reduce your sentence or send you to an out-of-state prison.

Going to the Bat is worse than going to the cops. At least most of the GPD is on the take but the Bat...he does this for whatever sick enjoyment he gets fir knocking us around. Going to cops might get you roughed up and labeled a squealer depending on which cop you go to and who is lining his pockets but going to the Bat will get you killed outright or made an example by being part of a "joke" or "riddle".

Honestly your best bet is to skip state and just go full purge of your previous life.

I love threads like this

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I didn't have a whole lot going for me growing up, so I turned to henching pretty young. Wound up choosing Ivy to work with since I figured she wasn't as bad a person as the mob bosses (I'll leave that judgement up to you) and that her work wouldn't risk my life quite as much as the others. In hindsight, I think the only reason I survived as long as I did was because of high-grade autism since I didn't really interact with people much before that, because I'm fairly certain she has a thing for younger guys since she teased the everloving fuck out of me. I'm doing pretty decently now, but sometimes I consider henching again for the hell of it, although I doubt it would be the same now.

Probably that laughing gas in your locker if you open it.

But if you just leave, you'll could be hunted down.

>tfw you wanted to hunch for the joker, but during orientation you didn't get one of the jokes, and when some guy next to you tried explaining it, Joker shot him with a toy gun with a bang flag

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Anyone ever work with a couple of guys named "Matches" Malone or "Lefty" Knox? Decent henchmen and bruisers, but I think they are either bad luck, have big mouths or something cuz I've heard from multiple guys that whenever either of those two get in on a big job the GPD or the Bat show up soon after.

I'm not trying to rat on others but it's getting a bit suspicious and I dont need anymore of those throwing dart things Bat uses embedded in my shooting arm again.

Isn't your boss living in some run down year house while his girlfriend is living it up in some swanky apartment working for some villains guild or whatever? Sounds like you got the raw end if the deal. Maybe try benching for Killer Moth or Firefly, at least you wont have to change much of your costume.

Trap not year...fucking cheap ass phone

Lex is bald lul.

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I heard a rumor from one of his ex goons (who may or may not be a walking science fair project now) that the reason Lex hates Big Blue isnt some philosophical spiel about man needing to be greater than "gods" but because they used to be best buds and Supes fucked up one of Lex's science experiments making him bald. Can you believe that shit? I mean I've seen Cobblepot and Joker be petty but this takes the cake (about 40 of them) if true.

Matches is someone to keep an eye on, not because he's a rat, but because his nose is too good. When Matches disappears, you best also disappear because the job is about to go south, hard.
He has like a sixth sense about these things, it's spooky.

>Henching threads are fucking pathetic.
>You guys could just get a legitimate job

I need to go meditate before I shoot you with a poison-tipped dart, nigga.

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Hey gang, I need some advice.
I was a henchman for Cobblepot a few years back. Let’s just say, on my last mission with him, there was a bit of a kerfuffle at the animal research center, and long story short, I got turned into a gigantic half-man, half-alligator. Super big, super strong, and a bite that can rip through a tank. Recently got into solo villainy, just a few robberies, call myself the Termigator (get it?). It’s cool and all, but no matter what I try, everybody thinks I’m Killer Croc, when I’m CLEARLY an alligator. What can I do to try and differentiate myself from him?

>be me
>working for Scarface because fuck me
>every fucking day he talks in his stupid Dummy talk
>"hunt the Gatman"
>"give me Gooze will you"
>Scarface went to sleep or whatever he does when he does to relax
>started talking to the Ventriloquist
>he was a cool old guy,he generally sweet,asked about what the kids are into these days,me and him talked a lot.
>i asked why he does that.
>he tells me..
"I don't want to get him mad"
And swear to you guys i looked over and i saw the motherfucking puppet blink.

Thanks to the bat fuck I can't make a fist anymore.

FUUUCK YOUU!

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You know how they say don't stick your dick in crazy?

They're all crazy.

That being said, work for Ivy; she mostly runs solo on jobs and just needs semi competent people to run her labs and greenhouses. You'll be on bodyguard duty most of the time;

bonus, if you've got ED or some other chronic illness, she'll usually fix you up after like a month.

Try not to be around when she gets horny. Me and the other senior guys put our heads together and made a fucking calendar of when to take sick and vacation time. I've been working for her two years, still alive. I'll be able to retire after two more.

Catwoman is a solo act, no hench work there.

Yeah, that reminds me of the time I made batman piss his pants and pay me a grand to keep quiet about it. I totally made him cry. But I have to keep quiet about it and not spread it around.

Look, I'll be honest with you; I'm madly in love with supergirl. I researched her entire history and have only been committing crimes that tend to attract her attention.

Wish me luck with my confession. I wrote her a poem.

As dorky as they are get a costume. All Croc ever seems to wear is a pair of ripped up jeans he probably got off a wino he ate. At least with a costume you got that to differentiate you two.

Try to get a distinct piece of clothing or some armor, like a pauldron with spiky bits. How's the supervillainy going?

Oh dont do that. Bad enough the Bat has a small army of animal themed people working for him but I heard he's been spotted with some kids(?) that got powers similar to Supes. We don't need any other actual supers here.

Move to Miami and make some bank brother, I think the only cape that lives there is the green kid from the Little League or whatever those kids call themselves

I’m split on this. Should I go full Mad Max and just cover myself in car parts, or a nice tailored suit to show I’m more intelligent and well-kept than Croc? Alternatively I could take on like an Egyptian theme and go full Sobek. King Tut’s been out of the game for a while, right?

Thanks for asking, it’s goung alright. I haven’t done anything huge yet, just knocked over a jewelry store, made a few grand. Haven’t encountered the Bat or his kids yet, thank god, but it’ll probably happen eventually

I know how you feel, m8. She's probably the cutest and sweetest hero out there but if you do that then she'll start to change. Would you rather she stay cute and kind for as long as possible or would you rather she becomes like all the older, bitchy super heroines?
There's actually a club for us villains that like her and we try to stop the worst of her fans so she can remain "moe" or whatever it is that our Japanese backers call her.

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How many kids has that freak even got? I swear I've seen like three different bat-themed chicks in this damn city, not to mention the plethora of apparent Robins, and that one knockoff who hits guys with sticks.

Oh, oh, rereading what I wrote reminded me, what should I do if I ever do encounter the bat? Anybody have any strategy for a clean getaway? Keep in mind, I’m a 800lbs alligator man so stealth and blending into a crowd ain’t my forte

>mugging a guy last fall
>some costumed kid runs out of the shadows towards me
>spin around and shoot on reflex
>mfw the shot hit and the kid dropped like a sack of potatoes
>mark runs off, I got his wallet
>take a closer look at the motionless cape
>the it's just some high school kid, no apparent weapons, gizmos or powers
>run home in a panic, see kid on the news the next evening
Turns out it was just some ordinary kid in tights who wanted to play hero. I felt bad, but he shouldn't have tried to rush me.

Speaking of the Robins, is the Batman partially deaf or something because it's super obvious when a new Robin appears but they both just act like nothing's wrong.
It was funny finding out that Nightwing was the first Robin, though. Us boys had a good laugh with him, after he took down the boss, when I pointed it out. He even decided to not break our kneecaps with those fancy stick of his.

What if he opens his locker and a boxing gloves pops out and knocks his head off?

Wow, all these juicy stories from the henchmen of Gotham themselves!
Maybe if I give these stories to the chief, I might even beat that Lois Lane skank!
Better get out of here soon before they notic-
*knocks down a glass bottle and breaks*

You know that crazy son of a bitch Red Hood?
Turns out he was also a Robin at some point.

anyone else ever henched in DC? I hated everything about that city , WW in particular.

offering free hats to anyone that wants one
from your friendly fluffy bunny friend

>tfw living in metropolis
>tfw i don't have to deal with most of this shit
>our super-hero is charismatic and basically invincible

gotham really did get the short end of the stick

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At least you can sometimes escape a street level cape, big blue comes at you you're just done son.

yeah but he's so busy dealing with aliens and other shit in the like that small time dudes like myself can make a fortune

The villains there seem way too extreme for me though. Have you seen that worm’s death toll? He’s killed countries worth of people, I’m more of a smash and grab, bank robbing hench, not an SS officer

That's why you do your heists when supes is fighting some super powered cosmic space shitter. MPD will be distracted too. Easy pickings.

quick question for anyone that worked for the joker

did you ever try to hit it ?

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Hey guys? I gots me an idea. Why don't we get a bucha us, make a trap for da bat then beat the everlovin shit outta him?

We could get weapons and bats and everythin, could be fun.

Fuck? Really? There's been a betting pool for who he was and I split my money between him being a clone or a cousin of Batman.

>aliens invading Earth
>time to smash and grab, get some new flat screens
Nobody ever checks after these sort of events. Worst you'll get is one of the capes fighting spots you and wiggles their finger at you disapprovingly.
Feels bad if it's Superman doing it though, makes me want to call my Dad.

What you should do is get a favorite chair. When ever you're in the hideout just always sit in that chair. Get to the point where everyone is like "Oh, there's chair sitting Joey sitting in his chair again."
Then when you want to leave just stick one of those batarang things that Batman always leaves around everywhere. Guy must be rich if he can just toss those things around like candy and never pick them up.
So take one of those things and jam it into your chair and then leave out the back when nobody is looking.
Everyone will just assume the bat got you and is interrogating you.
It works out great.
Everyone assumes you already squealed so no point trying to silence you
Plus they're too busy trying to just get out of there thinking the bat knows where they're at.

>All these idiots who don't Hench for the Riddler
It's like they want their severance package to be concrete shoes.

Tried that years ago. I was passing through this little podunk place in Alabama and had some free time and decided, what the hell, may as well knock over a gas station for some extra cash. Next thing I know some speedster I never heard of had me wrapped up in ropes with a note to the cops pinned to my chest. The most humiliating part was this punk couldn't have been more then twelve years old.

Yes. She threw pies at my face. Nothing explosive, just cream pies in my face. Said something special was in them, but my face didn't melt or anything so I think I'm ok.

you might want to go get yourself checked out man, I heard she has a STD or two

Oh god, is that why I've been tired for the past week or so. Fuck.

Nah that's just the Scarecrow testing a new compound in the drinking water. Only drink from bottled water and in a few days you should feel fine. On the upside, over 90% of Gotham is shitting regularly and fatigue related accidents are at an all time low. Don't ask about the other 10%. You don't want to know. You should feel lucky that he messed up so badly that it only properly affects 10% of the population.

Fuck no, that bitch has hyenas. Saw them bite the face of Lil scratchy. She's just as messed up as the Joker man.

Hope to Christ Joker never found out. The things I've heard him do to men who hit on her.

Three words Spiked foam gloves

I used to Hench for the Joker.
One time I got really fucking sick after the Bat threw me into a freezing lake, and I coughed so much I pulled a muscle in my side.
So I come in for the next job and when Joker tells a joke I'm the only one who doesn't laugh because it feels like someone punching me in the chest as hard as they can.
And he just stares at me before gunning down every other Hench in the room.
I to this day don't understand why he murdered them instead of me.

Oh, that's good then, thanks for telling me. I'll still get tested though, just to make sure I'm safe. Also, be careful I heard someone threw a bag of flaming dog shit into Ivy's greenhouse, and she's out for blood.

On one hand: hyenas, destructive relationship with the Joker, and she's almost certainly insane.
On the other hand: she's hot, she's intelligent (ex-psychiatrist for Arkham), and she's bi.

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>Not looting during alien/demon invasions exclusively
It’s a bit dangerous but the capes won’t bother you when they need to stop the world from ending. Just the other month I stole 30k worth of Jewelry in Metropolis. I live 20 miles out from it and drive on over to loot while everyone else is trying to get out of the city. As long as you make sure to stay clear of the Motherships and beams you should be good. I paid for my daughters wedding completely from just 2 hours of looting.

Aside from Quinn, the J-man really fucking hates suck-ups. He used to have this one guy who called himself Dummy Danny or whatever the fuck--happened before I went into crime-- that'd laugh too hard at J's Jokes, even tried coming up with some or pulled out dime-store gag props. The Joker isn't exactly an easy guy to read but a blind guy could tell DD was getting on his last nerve.

To this day we still don't know what the Joker did with that fuck-up's body and I've been on corpse duty ever fuck where in town. Anyway, my point is you got stupid lucky and he was testing the water for suck ups.

this is why they make the church confession boxes, hombre. start a new life and volunteer at a soup kitchen

I henched for some magical asshole and ended up going insane for a bit because eldritch bullshit.
Now I have tentacles instead of hair, one of my eyes fell out and turned into a baby, and now a bunch of magic heroes are trying to catch me.
So yeah, don't Hench for magicfags

That's why when I tried, I did it away from the hyenas and I don't know why she didn't tell the Joker. Still, those pies man. Fucking strange.
Hit that one right in the head.

Fuck it man lifes only worth living if you make dangerous choices. I think i'm finally ready to tell her and stop lying to myself.

I'm going for it boys!

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HE FOUND OUT FUCK FUCK FUCK[ WHAT DO I DO BOYS I'M SHAKING/spoiler]

So am I crazy or does anyone else know also Remember the universe being reset.... like 3 times by my count. Like it all started in the 80s, I was henching for riddler in the gay ass costume and then I see a million earth's in the sky and I'm like thinking this the end you know, and then the next thing I remember is I'm in my street clothes working some job for cobblepot with this suped up beefy cyber batman. Ran the duck out of there and hid out my old pad. Then I fund out Its the 90s! This sort of thing had gone on I think 2 or 3 more times and now it's 2019! The hell is wrong with me. Also fyi, and for what it's worth 90s Gotham is the best.

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>trusting the church
Look if you're going to throw away your money and confess your sins, you may as well do them to an ACTUAL person from the bible. While he may be hard to track down, Literal Satan (Lucifer) lives in Perth, Australia. Found out when I was henching for a demonic cult.
After they summoned him he got pissy and complained about how if he's going to retire, then the least Hell could do for him is to redirect the summon to his replacements. Afterwards he did a quick rewrite of the spell formation (turns out it would've allowed any summoned demon to kill us all, eat our souls and run around unchecked on the mortal plane for a thousand years), and asked for a ride to the airport. I wasn't the guy that drove him there but I did have to organise his flight "home".
I tried telling some priests after he left (I was raised Catholic, after all) but they shooed me out, told me it was way above their pay grade and that as long as he didn't actually do anything then there's no reason to worry about it.

So yeah, take a trip to Perth and see if you can find him.

my brain is so fucked I read Freeza at first

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whatever you choose, pick something waterproof. trust me, i know.

there's a seamstress you should hit up actually, lady above the betting shop on the corner of Nevermore Terrace, she'll sew you anything and won't ask any questions. Two-tone suits, smoking jackets with question marks embroidered on them, playing card necklaces, you name it, she's done it.

Had hero to fight has to be Atom. Dude can shrink so small but hit you really hard without even seeing him

I thought that guy was huge

Did you talk to Harley by yourself, with no one else around? Or did you spill spaghetti and just blurted it out in front of everybody? Guy's, there's a pie in my fridge. I go take a crap, I'm in the bathroom for ten minutes, and when I come out my fridge door is open and there's a god damn cream pie in the fridge. Why is she doing this? WHY!?!

Jesus christ! This isn't a gore site, someone should report this but not me cause I ain't no snitch.

I waited until she was alone then asked her to go for a hot cup of coffee and then the Joker, like clockwork, walked in with a big creepy smirk plastered on his face and said

"How about I go with you instead, i'm quite good at making people hot, burning liquids"

Then he and quinn burst howling out loud and told me to meet him in half an hour at this empty warehouse. What does he want with me boys, i feel like he'll kill me if i don't go.

I saw him with a pie in his hand as he came in about an hour ago. Don't touch it user

Not gonna happen user, just accept it like how I accepted Orca and I will never even so much as cross paths let alone be together. Just follow the advice someone gave me in this thread.

Joker is gonna probably force you to drink really hot but not boiling hot coffee until you pass out he did something similar with me

Orca is possible compared to that flying valley girl fantasy. I've met a few times. Nice person. Covered my coffee one night at this dinner I go to a lot. We both like buckaroo banzai a lot. She's also pretty lonely, so it's pretty possible if you meet her

Under his red mask is ANOTHER mask, his old Robin mask.

Fucking asshole.

I'm there right now and he's already there. He's turned it into a coffee shop and quinns there as the barista . Everyone else is here too but they don't have drinks.

He's told me to sit down and "say my prayers" as this drink is going to "take me straight to heaven".

Everyone's staring, do i drink?

When I tried, Joker was out doing a heist while I was with her watching for bats to show up. I stuttered like a little bitch Can you blame me and I don't know. She laughed, smiled, and we went back for batman. Next day, BAM! Cream pie in the face. This happened for two weeks until I left a week ago. So either the Joker knows, and is somehow trying to kill me or Harley is doing it for shits and giggles. You'll be ok though, it's not like you groped her or anything.

>trying to run for it without cleaning his locker

Honestly, you deserve to be killed by Joker.

Yeah user, sure....

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Mate I'll eat the fucking pie if you drink the drink. If you don't, those hyenas are going to have fresh meat for dinner.

Oh yeah, that's actually been going on ever since the Flash first started doing his hero thing. It split the universe or something and there were two Justice Leagues for a while, but one of them called themselves the Justice League of America.

Shit was weird, I thought it was the drugs for a long time (it was the 60s). Then suddenly it's the 80s and time keeps on skipping, but I don't age much.

Thing is, I'm not even a hench, I just work at a hench bar. Every so often a hench will have a mental breakdown over this when they've had too many and then before I know it they up and disappear forever.
The weirdest thing is a new guy will show up with the same name a month or two later, but they're a totally different person who insists they've been in the game for forever.

So best not to think about it too much.

Anybody wh tried would have to reply from beyond the grave an' I don't think the wifi's that great in the afterlife. Only guy she ever had eyes for was her Mistah J and if he ever got wind you were maybe planning something the only thing left to do would be to pray for a quick death.

>I don't think the wifi's that great in the afterlife.
That's were you're wrong Jimbo.

The Frieza Force actually does offer some pretty good benefits: great health-care package, cutting-edge medical equipment, top of the line battle suits, plus your own planet as a bonus if you do well in battle.
But you have to be fucking superman-tier just to get in and the boss is prone to killing everyone around him whenever he gets any bad news at all.

I guess it good to hear others know about it. But fuck, I feel like life and what ever I do now doesn't really matter and I'm just going to be fighting for some guy with punctuation on his head and getting my ass handed by the bat. It would be so bad I'd I didn't remember the previous incarnation of the universe.

Fuck it, Goodbye anons. It's been good henching with you.

Update: I was fucking terrified and everyone was laughing. Joker was looking me straight in the eyes with that fucking grin. I drank it and it was cold
They all laughed and Joker said "he always was bad with coffee". Then he bumped into me as he got up and spilt mine and his coffee. It's coming out of my paycheck. All $1000 of it, 500 for each.
He gave me a 5 for the bus and took my coat as payment. The 5 was a fake so now i'm standing here in the rain miles from my house with no money. Never hitting on that bitch ever again, second worst day of my life

How's the pie?

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That's his cousin, Atom Smasher. At least I think that's his cousin, they both got Atom in their names and they're both Jewish.

>working for a mad scientist.

90% of it is warehouse work or getting the beakers off the top shelf. The other 10% is getting punched in the face because your boss invented a new gun and it james just when batman is charging you then and there.

Never work for Poison Ivy though, she doesn't hire henchmen she hires victims.

Cut it open, and there's a note saying "I Told Ivy you threw the bag, you've got a hour head start." with a red lipstick kiss on the note. So, this might be the last time I talk to you guys. It was fun, somewhat.

I wonder whatever happened to those two? I mean, last I heard, Sid went to Stonegate, and Charlie, I dunno, left town. What do you guys think happened?

no it won't, get your ass to an ace chemicals, her plants can't survive the fumes, hell if it comes down to it throw yourself into the vat with the green goop, her plants won't be able to get you afterwards

>Green Goop
Isn't that the same shit that Joker fell in? Whatever, I'll do it. Fucking hell I've seen Ivy angry on time in a heist, that shit isn't fun. Rather wrestle Killer Croc then deal with her.

Do you want lasers to shoot out your ass, cuz that's what you get when you mess with ace chemicals

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Listen to this user, get yourself a ton of weedkiller, like mountains of it and a spray gun. Gasoline would be good to burn her plants, Good luck user

w-what happens when she gets horny

I'm going to listen to him, if that means I don't get eaten by fucking plants. I'm not being fertilizer tonight.

it's better than being torn to bits by a giant weed

You get raped by vines as she gets plowed by swampthing in front of you.

>Working for Joker

imagine being this much cucked

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And I'm going to take your idea, and get that shit while I go to Ace Chemicals. Worse comes to worse, I'll blow up the whole god damn factory. This is what's going to happen to me if she catches me guys. Like fuck, what jackass threw a flaming bag of dog shit into her greenhouse?

Haha I remember that. Fuck Tim. I started asking my wife to make me 2 sandwiches for lunch because he always stole my food, but the asshole just ended up eating both. Now, I get 2 sandwiches everyday.

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Ok, this will sound weird, but have you ever called out for help to the empty sky? I once was so desperate and fearful of my life because I had the wreaking crew on my ass that I broke down in the street and cried for help and a 5th dimensional imp saying he was my biggest fan. Turn them into cotton candy and vanished. Some how I think our reality is a bit stupid at times

Don't do this to me user, I already accepted that it won't happen and like another user told me. Shit won't work because I think she's really hot, whale skin and all.

Drink it you dipshit, and I'm surprised he is letting you post on your phone while this is happening.

If my back is against the wall, I will. She's coming faster then I expected, but I'm in Ace Chemicals and I've got shit ready. Made two spray guns into makeshift flamethrowers, while the other five are in different locations that I can run to when I run out of fuel. Molotov's are ready, and I'm standing here pissing my pants while I'm typing here. Fuck would rather be fighting Batman then this shit.

I already did
I went to the bathroom to try and get out and there was no windows. Texted in there as doors were blocked and no way out. I'm telling you now, never hit on Harley

Honestly I think we're better off not knowing, one has come the closest to taking down The Bat. The other made Joker piss his pants and scream for help from The Bat.

Hey I work in R&D and did you hear what happened to Alice? Made a comment about mercy in the bathroom, and the next day she's in my genetic experiment test subject floor. This company has me wondering if we're the baddies

Hey guys, I gotta go to the west coast for a while and I’ve already got a henching job lined up. What do you guys know about this Vermont guy, he a nutter like our boys?

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one more thing user once she's lit shoot her, under all that fucking moss she's still human

Get enough super villians on your tail you might just get that wish

user water the plants before she gets here. Maybe you can still appeal to her "human" side...

Good money, a lot of shit work. Don't touch any of those talisman jobs.

Isn't that guy just a normal legit businessman? Thought I saw that guy on a TED talk a few years ago talking Chinese archeolog, been years since I watched one of those.

Relax, the only people that ever do the talisman work are the same four guys, used to be a big fat dude as the fourth member but now it's a redhead that fights like a Digimon.

Anyone here ever worked for two-face ?

He seems to be a lot better to work for than joker

The only thing that weirds me out is these two ginger twins he hired, something just seems off about them.

So it’s like henching for that Spicer brat minus having to treat the boss with kid gloves because he’s a mama’s boy

So call me a geek, but are there any henchmen jobs that can get me into space? It's my ultimate dream and with the kinda world we live in what's the best villain to get into some space heists?

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Good to know, if she bleeds then she can die.
I'm not that stupid too piss off more of them. Ok maybe I am.
At this point I'll take it, I've got I think 10 minutes left before she's in if my calculations are right. Wish me luck boys.

I mean if you don’t got standards the Sibestro Corps is looking for warm bodies

>wears a lot of make up
Bros you dont think Bruce Wayne is reallt the Joker do you?
I mean I have never seen them in the same place together.

Nah, I was doing some work for Cobblepot at his club once and Wayne and Joker showed up at the same time once or twice

ohhh, i know those guys. they're doing it to put themselves through music academy, but don't bring it up. youtube.com/watch?v=baWC7buWmDA

Do any of you have any clue what it does to your ego to get beat up by a twelve year old in tights?
Fuck, man. I should've been able to take a fucking kid down.

he's trying very hard to hide it, but we all know he's drunk 24/7. stupid richies

He didn't say clean OUT your locker, so just polish the door of it. Abandon anything inside, it's not worth the risk. By cleaning the door you can still say you followed his instructions and it might help save you if he was planning on killing you.

Thats why I work with Bane. Venom will make a man out of you.

I heard Valmont was out of the game. Got in too deep with the Chinese mob and made one too many bad deals until his whole Dark Hand organization collapsed since he couldn't turn a profit.

The last week i see a gorilla with a jetpack it was so funny is that normal?

Idk who did it, but it wasn't Lex. He doesn't care about Mercy at all, I'm just surprised Mercy has enough clout to make Alice a test subject. Seems pretty petty and short sighted, since Alice was the coordinator for her project. I'm sure Mercy went behind Luthor's back too, I wonder how he's taking the fact that his "peace ray" has been set back 3 months.

>taking super steroids
No thanks user, I had my share of pimples back in high school.

I kept finding footage of him fucking up people. I even saw beat the shit of Superman, Batman, and Flash. With almost no effort

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Sorry for your extended stay 8n traction once the Bat hears about it.

I think with all the Robin's he has a soft spot for a kid. I think it might have been Hatter or Riddler who used some pretty mean urchins for a scheme and even when one shanked Bats with a butter knife the group of kids only did like a year in some juvie hall then got a full ride to one of those Uptown fancy youth center schools

You Think thats bad. I had my whole heist and months of planing ruined by a talking detective monkey!

user you alright?

I've been a henchman for about 18 years now. I've worked for them all. Scarecrow, Freeze, Dent. Even did some small jobs for Black-Mask back in the day. And to be honest, getting anywhere in the thuggery business nowadays is no easy task. Everybody's lining up to become a henchman, and quality is just not how it used to be.
So for any small-time hooligan just starting out, I wanna give you some advice.

Ask anyone nowadays, and they'll say you got three options starting out as a henchman. Joker, Cobblepot or Dent, those are the only three. But ask anybody who's got a bit more common sense, and they'll tell ya the truth.

Ya gotta work for the reeeeal loonies

Back when I was starting out, I found myself a cosy little job working for this guy called 'The Eraser'. Total nutjob. Had a full-blown eraser for a head, like the ones on the end of a pencil, right? Completely fucked out of his mind. But still, pay was good (for the time of course), and it was only me and two other blokes, Scabs and Big Tommy. We mostly did small jewellery heists, a couple of muggings, though we only ever stole pencils really (as I said, real weirdo). But the good thing about working for bottom-of-the-barrel nutjobs is that they can't afford to lose ya. Your gonna be the only muscle for miles, so you won't have to worry about waking up with a hole in your head and a pink note.
Obviously, since old Eraser was small fry, we never really got much trouble from the Bat, and this was back when his only other companion was the camp lad in tights, so no need to worry about any skin-tight wearing bat ladies jumping in and ruining your evening.

Eventually, of course, the Bat caught up with us after old Eraser thought it would be a good idea to hold some poor rich bastard with too much influence at pencil-point. Ended up slammed up in Arkham and no one's heard of him since. But I still remember those days fondly, and I hope that more aspiring thugs think to start off with the less mainstream villains

>Half an hour
>Ivy got there 20 mins ago
>No response since

Press F for Pie user.
F

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Look man I am just in it for sick juicy aethestic gains.
But you are naive if you think those kids are playing clean. Those 12 year olds throw around buff full grown men with ease. Hell they take on men with enhanced strength and speed and beat their asses. The bat has them on something.

Trying stopping a guy who knows what your fate is and controls it

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He belongs to the vines now. Hope the faggot had a bondage fetish

No way. That guy goes full killer. Like he's on par with some of the bosses when they get pissed. Like this guy doesn't put guys in the hospital, he puts them in the morgue. No way this asshole used to be a Robin, the Bat has a no-guns thing. I think it's just some goon who got pissed at the bosses or the kid of the first guy who wore that costume.

The hell are you? I thought fate just fought cosmic hobos and angry space shadows

I dunno man, I've seen those vids and they look really fake. It's like, nobody ever tries moving left or right, y'know? They just go forward and backward like they're more focused on staying perfect for the camera than fighting. And they all moved so damn slow.

You ever seen a REAL video of Superman fighting? Like, going all out? I caught the tail end of one of his bouts with Luther when I was visiting family in Metropolis. Couldn't even follow the damn guy with my eyes. He moved so fast that an old coot next to me thought it was a bird flying by. I gotta admit, I thought it might've just been a fast-moving plane until I heard someone call out "It's Superman!" He's real damn fast, like, Flash fast.

Yea you got some sick gains but I bet in like 20-30 years you're going to be breathing through a hose or something. No thanks I would much rather spend my final years being able at least walk down the street.

Hey bros, I've been let go numerous times in my henching career. It's all I love to do.
But I've been fired by multiple Villains. And was recently rejected for a interview with the joker.
It's not my fault I've been tied up so many times!
But it all ends today Bros. I've got a plan. Should I do it?

Nah man. This ice ninja has been seen with working with the Bat. Why Batman would be friends with someone who can literally peoples spines and body parts off with their bare hands is terrifying. And for some reason there’s demon who’s also with ice ninja. Those two fighting are worse than Superman and Luthor since they don’t seem to stop

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Man you've musta taken some hard hits to the brain pan. Think on the type of pie it was. I'm not gonna hand feed you this, if you are gonna fuck something up ya gotta own up to it.

Pal of mine worked a few gigs for Bane. Reeeal pumped up on the roid juice. Got the shit kicked out of him by fucking Batgirl of all people. He said he just couldn't land a punch on her, all those muscles didn't do shit. Hit the ground hard, Bane left him for the pigs. Now he's the biggest fucker in the assisted living home.

You ever notice how often Wayne is spotted with Jim Gordon? And how he never has a big security detail? I bet he's got the cops in his pocket. Only way a guy that rich could survive in Gotham.

He apparently intervenes in anything when it threatens order or something. I was helping freeze with something and he showed up and told him to let his wife die. Dude has a scary presence and his voice sounds like a thousand people talking all at once

Heard about a guy over near New York that can do something similar to Atom. Buddy of mine said he shrunk real small and took out some big space warlord by...ummm... crawling up his ass and *science noises* expanding to full size.

Pfffff, don't tell me ur falling for that parallel reality multiverse shit about all those new York heroes. Next your gonna tell me there's a hell guy who solves mysteries

Which of the heroes are fucking each other? I could’ve sworn that Batman was with Wonder Woman. Flash and giganta too

the bat and his kid sidekicks seem a little too close

I always assumed it was his kid

i mean, i saw batman smack his ass in celebration once after taking down my crew

Ha, at least you've got a chance of hurting Atom. I did gigs for the Penguin for years. Good pay, less risk. He pays even if the Bat wins, which is a big plus in this town. Guy's a real class act if you don't insult his height.

Anyway, one night we're doing a joint scheme with a few other big names. Scarecrow, Croc, ect. Guess we must've drawn too much attention, cause they stuck the fucking Justice League on us. Fucking Martian Manhunter coming at me. I'm used to shooting at a guy in a bat suit, y'know? It's what I do. Well, I'm firing on this big green thing and it doesn't even move out of the way. Bullets just go RIGHT THROUGH IT. It walks right up to me and slams me to the ground. It didn't even look like it was trying to hurt me bad, but damn, it hit harder than the Bat ever could. I still see a chiropractor weekly.

But Bane told me he would make me a fucking beast. He found me outside of my gym and offered me power if I worked for him! Oh shit oh shit I fucked up. I thought the rumors about shrinking after your off the stuff were just to scare us out of deserting.

go to one of the chemist villains, see if they'd fix you in exchange for some work. Can't say who's least likely to kill you though

Penguin's really not so bad. One fight after I really got the shit kicked out of me in the public library, he just took the dictionary off the top of my head and gave me this pensive look. I thought be was gonna beat the shit out of me with his umbrella. But at the end of the week he gave me a word-a-day calendar.

Whats the plan?

What hero do y’all respect? I’ve seen flashes Rouges almost depressed when he disappeared for almost a year and they actually were happy to have him back.

Okay, It's out there. But I think it will get me the respect I deserve.
So, superman was the one who knocked my lights out for the last time. And this is what got me fired. (Like it's my fault! It's superman!
But, my plan...
I've managed to get hold of some... kryptonite.
And have made some 12 gague slugs out of it. And have created a special happening that will bring the superhero over to were I am.
Then I shoot Him! You think it will work?

You do know he is faster than a speeding bullet, right? He will just dodge and punch your lights out.

dude, just sell that gun to someone else and then flee to cuba with the money. lex luthor's gonna be first in the long line of people waiting to kill you

in fairness, he might not dodge if it looks like a gun that shoots regular bullets.

you better be a good damn aim, aim for the head, and triple tap, it may also benefit you to get a hostage or two, and as a final pre-measure, paint your gun and bullets in lead so he wont see the Kr

You know, Supes doesn't even dodge when you shoot at him, so why hasn't anyone tried making bullets out of kryptonite yet?

Is that just considered unsportsmanlike by the big name super villains?

Nah, not when he is busy and not looking around. He actually has to get up to speed!
Nah, Cuba sucks. Tried that before.
>Lex is gonna get you.
Cool, now I'm the hottest villain around.
HENCH 4 LIFE
IT'S GOING DOWN IN 30 Minutes BOYS! TALK ME OUT OF IT FOR REAL. I'M STILL SCARED.

Yeah, I'm a fucking good shot. Me and my Ithaca are going to make history.
I dunno, they are gonna wish they though of it earlier!
I also have a AK with like 100 rounds with some of the left over Krypto mixed into the lead. But the 12 gague is full.

Were I a betting man I would put money down that the shotgun blows up in his hands. Who knows what happens if you try to shoot kryptonite out of a gun?

I've already fired a few test rounds. it works fine.
20 MINUTES.

Yeah, this dude is gonna end up like one of those meteor freaks

I think this is a mistake, sure you will be a legend if it works but what good will it do you when every single two bit thug out there is gunning for you to make a name of their own? That and the entire Justice League will be crawling up your ass 24/7 for therest of your life.

also you're gonna want to get checked out, Kr is super radioactive

what does regular kryptonite do to you? i know the pink stuff makes you gay or something

I guess they would want my ass wouldn't they? The justice league will be a issue. But hey, it's not like I have anything to live for!
>Every thug will be out for me.
Nah, I do this in the name of all henchmen.
We are tired of being mistreated.
I know that, I keep it in a safe container. And my Body Armour is Lead lined. (Enough I hope) I've been working on a plan like this for a good few months. though, I'll have to ditch my Shotty when I'm done. It's ticking.
AND SO SOON LADS.

I don't know, man, I've heard that Metropolis has the death penalty, and even gassed some guy.

>Working for the Joker
You did this to yourself.

>Doing it for all henchmen
Fuck you, you are doing this for yourself. You kill Superman and all capes will take the gloves off and our bodycount skyrockets because they will all be too worried about one of us pulling something out of our asses.

what would
>for all henchman
even look like? a union?
do we have a henchperson union?

Christ alive, I am at a ace warehouse that went skyhigh not to long ago, and I found Ivy, she’s dead!

Sorry that you don't see the truth with me.
The Time has come.
Sorry.
The diversion went off. Here he comes no doubt.
Wish me luck. For this day, the henchman rises.
I will do what no Villain could do.
HENCH 4 LIFE.

>He hasn't been to the meetings
Ok it's mostly just us sitting in a warehouse and a bunch of cardgames but only an asshole isn't invited to those.

I dunno, but it will be glorious. Remember me.
A league of Henchman.

SHE'S NOT DEAD
DROP THE BODY AND RUN
RUN

Bullshit. Batman wouldn't of let that hapoen

Not trying to be "that guy" but is your...ummm... condition more like Croc or do you look like a big upright gator? If ya got the gator head I say go for the Egypt theme. Course I'm a sucker for campy costumes like that and a bit of a mythology buff.

Some of yous guys are aight, don’t go to Gotham General tonight
Tonight we wack the Bat.

The Bat showed up, I nabbed a couple of photos before I tucked tail and ran, she turned to ash man!

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I saw Catwoman the other night when I was henching with Scarecrow. I'm in love lads

That didn't happen and don't say it did. That purple fuck will quite literally hop multiverses to take you out for this kinda shit.

Unless your batman, only way youre getting action with her is if she grabs you by the neck with her whip

haha that would totally suck if she did that lol

KR rads don't affect humans unless you're stupid enough to mess with unstable KR.

Didn’t she have henchmen a long time ago

Or dumb enough to walk around with a chunk of the stuff in your pocket for years.

Dude I know your horn but that shit fucked up my neck. She did pull me back into her breasts and I can tell you they are real

Hey guys, I'm watching the new here in metropolis. Apparently some explosion went off down town. Though it looks like Superman is just arriving on scene.
Anyone else watching?

>First Henching gig was with King Snake
Who else /oldfag/ here

Look , her and bats are real tight so if you manage to get employed by her you might end up as a Robin or something. Worst case bats will let you off easy if you don't try to date her or something. Just don't mention the newest Robin around her, heard he's Batman's son from when some immortal supervillain's daughter had her way with him.

Eh,fair enough. At least unless you're Metallo. Last I heard of him he died after becoming a Cape or some shit.

Great, isn't it? Who's up for a score while big blue is distracted?

Oh boy, can't wait to read Lane's totally unbiased write up tomorrow.

I just robbed the costume store of all its domino masks, crowbars and black turtlenecks. hello, supply and demand money

IT'S HAPPENING
Apparently some retard just shot Big Blue. He fell over. There is Blood from what I saw.
I though He was Bullet proof?

He yelled Hench 4 Life or some shit.
Are we screwed guys?

My first jobs were for that other bald genius fuck who hated supes before Luther did.
Forgot his name,but he paid well.

Are there any Metropolis based henchmen here who know what's going on?

yell 'hench 4 super justice' and piledrive him, we can save this yet

Yeah, i'm watching. But is there anyone downtown near this? They cut the News Feed.

Nah,Supes will be fine as long as they get the bullet out.
Man doesn't stay dead. Wonder why the Planet's star reporter,that Kent guy that Lane is dating is never on the scene when Supes is fighting but always has a good article on relevant events.

Last I heard he was working for some terrorists who he owned money to.

I'm not worried about him. Buddy of mine was visiting his mom and Grimace here was fighting a couple capes using super mcguffin...and get this...he dropped the shit and had it turned against him. Then he jumped into some tiny little helicopter with his name plastered on the side. Fir some big bad dimension hopping warlord he seems like a big doof.

He's Superman's gay lover.

Hey fellas, I used to hench for Kiteman and I ended up falling in some stuff and getting powers similar to that Plastic guy, you think I could cut it as a Cape?

Are you sure? Before they cut the feed that dude was bleeding. I've never seen that before. And this guy is on the lamb. Whole PD is out for him.
heard some other supers are looking for him?
You think Lex did it?

Sheeeet...Bats had a "Hot Cosby" pulled on him? Thought with how much he tangles with Ivy, Joker, and Scarecrow he would be immune or at least resistant to chemicals that knock your ass out. This is fucking hilarious. Can you imagine the Bat having to go to PTA meetings?

yeah, and Bruce Wayne is Batman retard, everyone knows Kent is rocking Lane's box

Okay guys I've got a big problem. I rent out storage units to baddies. Good money and as long as I keep minimal contact, plausible deniability. The guys with a hard-on for the Bat always have weapons to store, so it's a real steady customer flow.

Well I fucked up and rented a unit to the Joker. Time's up and I find he left a 40 gallon tanker labelled "Joker Venom" behind. He's already paidd and there's no way of contacting him. (Not that I'd want to.)

How can I get rid of this stuff? I can't just dump it, I hear it's real potent. I just rent units, I don't want bioterrorism charges on me.

I'd put money on it being Lex

>Bruce Wayne is Batman
He kind fits the MO though... I saw batman once. Kind of sounds like him.

Remember when that alien monster killed him,there were like 4 supes for a while,and then he came back? Have faith in him.

Do you think it was that retard posting earlier? You think he went through with it?

hire someone to dump it on gotham pd's doorstep at 3 in the morning
if it's clearly labelled, there's a 50% chance it's banana cream pie filling anyway

Nah, Bats sounds like he smokes 5 packs a day and is gargling gravel. Wayne sounds like Yale material.

>I just rent units,
Yeah, to supervillains. You might as well just dump it and hope Ivy doesn't find out

Nah, if Wayne actually cared about crime in Gotham he'd feed and give jobs to the poor. I HAVE heard that Bats might be a Wayne Enterprises enforcer, he always beats up any villain dumb enough to mess with what humanitarian efforts that smarmy rich asshole does to dodge taxes.

I hope so, I mean. I hate his fucking guts.
But what happens if he goes again?
Also, seen a bunch of Supes flying in downtown. They looking for this weirdo?

I don't know man, but today's been fucked up all over the place. Explosion at Ace Chemicals in Gotham with both Pie user and Ivy possibly dead, and Supes got shot in the fucking chest. What the hell is going on?

>he reads gotham true life and believes it
i bet you believe kryponians built the pyramids, too

4 supes? this hench fucker has screwed us metrop fuckers over big time

Nah, it's the way he talks.
But yeah, it's just me being stupid I guess.
Watching to much infowars.
That sounds right. He's waynes little helper. Probably how he gets all that money for that stuff.

I know man.
I saw the news when it happened. It was in the head. I'm actually concerned man.
Also, Explosion at Ace chemicals? That's gonna be a issue.

If it was, we're all fucked. Capes are gonna starting dropping iron rods from space on us. Who going /innawoods/

I'm gonna quit today if this gets worse.
The news is not saying anything about supes.
This is bad!

The news is also stating they are looking for a former Henchman possibly. We are fucked. What's your plan?

I think it's cuz on another board some idiot dressed up like J and was going on about "society" and saying we need to "rise up". I think some of the uo8nger or more hot headed henches saw this as some sort of "calling".

i heard lex just threw a $30,000 milano glass paperweight out of his window and is now flying above the city in a powersuit, any of you fuckers have anything to do with this?

HELLO BOYS.

I did it. I shot superman. Fucker.
HAHAHA! BANG!
In the Head! Then I got in my car and put the pedal to the metal!
I'm now continuing my plan! I will hit the supers where it hurts most!

HENCH 4 LIFE

I Did! The supes better hope he finds me first!

I'm telling you guys Ivy is dead, she turned to ash in the bat's arms, I've got photos

Fucking this. Henched for the Joker for almost two years. He is actually a good boss when you know some rules.
He hates suck-ups, so don´t try too hard to get on his good side by laughing at his jokes to hard. He feels insulted by that. Even worse if you dare to be funnier than him or if he feels like you try to upstage him. Once he had that guy in a deathtrap and was about to say the punchline with which he was going
to kill the poor bastard, when one idiot hench blurtet out the punchline. Joker stopped smiling and just stared at the poor fucker, who was grinning like an idiot, with "that" look on his face, then he walked over to him, pulled out his gun and shot him in the face.
Point blank.
Without saying a single word.
Then he went to the deathtrap and released the guy, told him to go home because it was pointless to kill him now since that idiot ruined the joke. He was pissed for two weeks after that.
You have to be subtile with him, do the extra work in the hideout, like everybody hates those fucking hyenas, these beats are Quinns pets and Quinn is the Jokers pet. Now, if you volunteer to feed them and clean up after them you will get on Quinns good side tha that will get you on the Jokers good side. It is a thin red line between walking the extra mile and being a suck up, but if you are able to walk it he will be the best boss ever.

I believe it man. With supes being shot.
The explosion at Gotham.
Give us the pics man!

might have been a pod-person plant. i won't believe it.
although apparently that was the only body they found at the scene. god knows how any of that happened.

I'm going back to my hometown, Darby, quaint little place, no capes, no villains, the only weird thing is the same goddamn convoy of cars and trucks thunders through the town everyday.

Lex is going to fuck your shit up mate

>the same goddamn convoy of cars and trucks thunders through the town everyday.
That sounds weird.

He might. That's what I'm worried about!
But hey, I'm already halfway to my destination.

I swear I thought I was hallucinating for a good portion of my life until I got T-boned by a Land Rover with no driver, still can't feel my right foot

Ehh... I think this might be bigger than the Shooting or Ivy being dead.

>hench for the joker
>batman kicks the door down
>he's shaking joker around like a terrier shakes a rat
>broke rudy's nose and amy's collarbone on the way in
>terry's facedown in that stupid pierrot costume and he hasn't moved much
oh god it begins
how are you fuckers getting on

these trucks. they have 'lexcorp' written on the side by any chance?

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>although apparently that was the only body they found at the scene. god knows how any of that happened.
Pie user did say he was going to blow up the plant if worse came to worse. Surprised only one body was found though. Should be at least two.

>remember the greentext user
post it

maybe Pie-user escaped?

I legit jumped outta the car while we on our way to knock over a jewelry store. I twisted my ankle something awful but it was the right decision. Red hood came around the corner and just shot the shit outta the car. Now I'm just having a meal at Al's and figuring out my next move.

No, they are completely unbranded

Do you guys think the bat ever reads these threads?

Quite possible. That fucker seems to be everywhere.

Nope, he wasn't on top of that nut who shot superman.
I think he reads Reddit.

Guys, I can say much but ive been henching under a certain someone and we discovered something huge! The bat is actually Barry Allen! At first me and the boss could barely believe it! But later on we got absolute solid proof, expect big things soon...

Al's, eh? Try the bat-nana split, it's got melted fudge.
I'm posting from my phone on top of the roof. There's a tank driving down main street, think it's Quinn, not entirely sure where she got it. Anyone else seeing this?

Nope, it's the Joker. It's the biggest joke of all time.

who the hell is barry allen?

watching a live feed from Coast City, Think it's the one joker used last week?

The Bat would be a redditor

Stop role-playing you guys probably had sex with prostitutes dressed as those villains/heroes

well, i'll keep y'all updated i'm just now getting across the golden gate.

HEY BROS.

I've managed to avoid Lex and others.
I'm standing out side Sky High now.

HENCH 4 LIFE

probably fell into that machine of hatter's that generates your wildest dreams. apparently he throws people who really displease him into it for half an hour before he pulls them out and puts a bullet into their hatrack...not sure if that's kindness or just hatter being hatter

Almost done my meal so I will definitely try that for dessert, fuck knows I needed it after seeing my crew get blown away. Looks like the retard who pulled it off 'in the name of henches' or whatever just set off a powder keg.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S FUCKING THERE!!!!

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>that motherfucker reached the theme park
fucking how? you got a jetpack?

Sure. Try it and you either die immediately or reach near immortality. That’s a pretty typical gamble.

go to an old folks home, ok? plenty of meat shields there. breathe deeply.

Bloody hell, I go nap for a few hours and everything has gone to shit.
If SuperShooter is still here, don't avoid Lex. I checked the internal memos and he's actually happy at the moment. The suit is powered by kryptonite so he's actually "hunting you down" to try and keep you close so the other Kryptonians won't tear you apart. The vans and trucks coming after you are bad news, though. Just hold on until Lex gets there and you'll be fine. Hell, by the time he's done helping you, you'll probably have the public on your side (since it isn't actually illegal to murder a humanoid alien)

I've gotta go, Superman's body just arrived and since I am the most senior designer of our latest medbot currently available, I'll be supervising the autopsy and helping modify the thing to use kryptonite tools if his corpse is still invulnerable.

I just borrowed one from my one of my old Bosses.
It's been fun lads.

HENCH 4 LIFE

Dude...don't go for the kiddy capes. You are gonna get the fucking hammer dropped on us. I mean look what happened to Joker when he killed a Robin, he was in traction for almost a year and still has the faintest of limps.

Scarecrow will scare you to death, Joker will make you laugh to death...but holy shit that little weirdo gives me the creeps. Out of all the Arkham residents I think he's the most messed up in the head.

Alright, I managed to outrun the Semi, I'm hiding behind a Theater Right now, but still, It was the same fucking truck!

>Superman's body
I haven't finished my other plan yet. So I have a minute.
I did it? He's dead? DID I DO IT!
>Lex is happy with me
How do I know you are not lying?

goddamnit lexfag, i hope your boss is headed for sky high if he has peripheral vision, some crazy asshole wrote 'HENCH 4 LIFE' in a vapour trail in the sky

i recognise his posting style, that guy is either an actual lexcorp bro or he's been pretending to be one for like 3 years

christ, have i been posting here that long?

FUCKING HAPPENING AGAIN!
Apparently we are hearing chatter about something at Sky High of all places. IS THE FUCKING MADMAN DOING IT AGAIN?

So he's lying? Not telling the full truth! I NEED TO KNOW IF MY PLAN WORKED!

Yes you did it. Turns out he's still invulnerable while dead. I've just finished swapping out the tools and adding on the kryptonite laser so we'll be able to start properly in a minute.
*shrug* you either trust me or you don't. Would you rather face down Lex first or a couple of Kryptonians on the warpath?
Thanks man. One of the downsides of no IDs or usernames is that it's hard to prove yourself to be trustworthy in times like these.

Really? What's even happening anymore man?

The Kryptonians. I'm ready! HAHAHAHA
HENCH 4 LIFE

Hold on, you have Supes' body?

Then who the fuck in the outside red underwear is flying around Dakota right now fighting a giant shadow monster?
He looks like Superman, he flies like him, shoots heat beams like him, and Static is being all chummy with him.

Are you sure that's Superman's corpse and not say, Superboy? Or one of the clones Lex made? Because anyone who is anyone knows Lex has a warehouse full of Superman clones for god knows what.

What if he shot a clone? That's the kind of bullshit I'd expect to happen in Metropolis.

>With Static
I know you are lying. Static is currently off world right now.

Guys, I finally made It to where Darby was supposed to be, It's in ruins, it's like a hurricane came through here

And if the body is Superman's, how do we know he won't come back to life again?

wait, you saw static? my guy's fighting static right now! (and getting his ass handed to him while i run off, but that's beyond the point)

i don't think a clone would have the invulnerability, i'm pretty sure the cells decay quicker than that

Well it's been fun guys, but going after a whole school of kid capes is going to get every super group (and maybe some rogues too) after any henchman they can get their hands on.

I'm out, gonna go live in some podunk town over in like Nebraska, Montanna or one of the Dakota's if this "Hench 4 Life" asshat is gonna bring the Doom of Damocles down on us guys just trying to make a living.

We've actually got Superman. Just took out the heart, and what little remains of the brain, and atomised them (standard procedure after seeing Superman coming back to life before and that one vampire incident we covered up)
The guy out in Dakota is probably Superboy, or Martian Manhunter transformed into the shape of Superman to keep the public unaware that this happened. As it is, the autopsy room has gone into full lockdown because we've got Wonder Woman and two speedsters outside trying to get in. Luckily all our records are going to a read-only Lexcorp cloud server that he actually stores on his suit or I fear we'll lose it all if the heroes get in.
Also, I'm really glad I go a smoothie maker in the viewing platform. All the doctors not performing the surgery are running around like headless chikens and trying to barricade the doors (not like it'll matter if they can get through THOSE doors), while I sit here sipping on a lovely cold smoothie.

ok, Quinn's backed the tank into a trampoline factory and Batman handcuffed her to a street lamp. Dubs and I throw a rock at her

shoot her instead

My gun's out of bullets.
Fuck it, I'm throwing the gun

Dare you to drink a Superman smoothie

make sure to knock her out so she thinks the bat did it

Bullshit, only one guy with electric powers rides a metal disc and that's what I'm looking at.

Nope, not Superboy. He wears a different costume and is shorter.
And Martian Manhunter is on the news right now outside of a LexCorp building.

I saw something happen like this once before when the Riddler teamed up with the Bat when one of those parallel universes collided and there were like three Jokers running around.

Guys, I need some help. My right leg is fucking broken, my left arm was mangled by her god damn thorns and I can see bone, I think I've got a concussion, and I'm trapped under the Ace Chemical plant with Ivy. She sent a god damn pod person of her from the front while she went through the back door. Thankfully, she seems more preoccupied with getting out and getting back to her plants then finishing me off. Since we're both stuck down here, and with shit hitting the fan should I try to help her find us a way out? Or should I just lick my wounds and hope she fucks off when she finds an exit. Also, who's great idea was it to kill Superman and go after the kids at Sky High? All hell is fucking breaking loose. Maybe is safer down in here with Ivy then up there will all those supers going rabid

>surgery
autopsy. Damned company word filter.

Well, the heroes backed off after barely making a dent in the walls (thank god Lex has an army of lawyers, private security and mercenaries prepared for this exact situation), and Superman has successfully been chopped up and separated into categorised parts for different teams to study.
My team are getting a look at his skeleton. Did you know that his bones (and even the cartilage!) not only store vast amounts of solar energy but they can change their density and "strength" to go from ordinary human levels to strong enough to make steel look like play-dough? If we can artificially recreate this process, then we can revolutionise pretty much every major industry.
I'll catch you all later, I've got a bunch of research to do.

If I did that then I wouldn't even make it out of the lab before being killed. I'm not stupid.

Ah damn, well it's above my paygrade. We've broken no laws, even Green Lantern laws (Lex's lawyers are VERY thorough), so we'll be fine. This was our Superman, though. I do want to repeat that OUR universe's superman is dead. That new guy might be A superman but ours is dead, chopped up and being used to fuel the next golden age of scence..

migrate when ready

I've been listening into multiple supe lines today. They are all abuzz. That nutcase had his way at the school apparently.
12 confirmed already.
They are saying the man just jumped off edge of the school.

I AM A GOD NOW
HENCH 4 LIFE.

Shit, sorry to hear that buddy but even if I wanted to help I'm at Al's right now nursing a banana split right now. No fucking way I'm going out with this twisted ankle and all those capes ready to wreck the shit of anybody who henches. As for trying to help her out, I guess that depends on if you think she is still sore about you blowing each other up and the bag of shit.

Wait a second. If Superman's gone, whats going to happen next time we get attacked by aliens?

Give us a pic 'o that corpse tiddy or GTFO.

i threw it. smack right between the eyes. she didn't see me, probably mistook it for a batarang.

she's on the sidewalk. it was just a head wound, i get those all the time, i don't understand why she's bleeding that much. doesn't feel great.

i think i will take the train home and go to bed. hope this will be less crazy when i wake up.

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Kent's a shit reporter. I got a friend who works at the Planet, dude doesn't even come in to work half the time. Lane is constantly covering his ass, wouldn't surprise me if she's writing articles for him too. Guess he's got a big dick or something.

Some dumbass just flew downtown on a Jetpac blasting Danger zone.

I think some LARPER got a mixed dose of Joker gas, scarecrow fear toxin and zapped by Hatter. He's going full Columbine just for shits and giggles...and what's scary about this is I'm in the same room as Joker watching this shit and he is just sitting there looking stone cold sober. I'm really scared now guys. If the boss ain't laughin at this you know something bad happened. What should I do?

We have Superboy, Supergirl, the rest of the Justice League, a happy Lex Luthor, Bizarro Superman (who is very angry[happy] at the moment) and a whole bunch of other heroes able to do the job.

is gonna have to step up and save us all. and they better fucking deliver.

his eulogy for supes ought to be good tho. i bet he's already had that one written for years.

DON'T SAY A FUCKING WORD, DON'T MAKE A SINGLE NOISE! just sit and pray that he doesn't take his feelings out on you!

Do a belly flop on your way down. Aim for something that looks expensive.

Christ, don't give the hench4life guy a list of targets!

TELL THE JOKER HE SHOULD HAVE HIRED ME WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE.
>The joker is not laughing
NOW THAT IS FUNNY!
HENCH 4 LIFE

Hate to say it, but this probably means our universe is about to go poof again.

Like what the guy said earlier about time skipping, it always happens when something big like this occurs.
And science is always set back by like another 50 years each time it happens.
Remember the 50s? Remember those glass sphere spaceships even a common reporter had access to? If you do, then you survived a universal abortion several times.

Point is, all of this is going to end up vanished and never mentioned again because that's just how this fucking world works for some reason.

Put some on some plants or give some to some gerbils or something, if it's legit, just sell it.

See this is why more villains need to sign up with the Guild of Calamitous Intent. It keeps idiots like that guy from going all wild west in the JSA building and it keeps supers from pulling our ankles out through our mouths.

I FLY NOW.
HENCH 4 LIFE

The guild is a enemy of me. They tell people what to do. I hate them
THE GUILD IS ON MY LIST
HENCH 4 LIFE

>hench for scarface
>we were counting the cash but now we're all just watching the news
>magic portal opens
>joker steps out
>except he's got an entirely different pattern suit to the one i saw on him this morning
>seems less crazy about the face
>says something about truth, laughter and justice being the only force worth fighting for
>pies the ventroloquist in the face, then pies scarface with a seperate, smaller pie
what the fuck? i was never trained for this multiverse bullshit

Mate listen to and keep your head down. Goddammit, fucking crazy making us look bad. Fuck.
I'm helping her, fuck it. Crazy man just made sure there's a fucking bounty on our heads and honestly I feel safer with Ivy then poking my head out there can getting it crushed by an angry Cape.

>The universe is getting reset because some shitposting hench went full retard
What a time to be alive.

>Point is, all of this is going to end up vanished and never mentioned again because that's just how this fucking world works for some reason.
Sure, man I know this but it doesn't mean I can't "REMEMBER" it.
I was just a lowly rank and file henchman back in an old WW2 timeline. I accidentally got hit with a toxin that almost killed me but gave me eidetic memory. Turns out that while the timeline resets any major damage to your body, it doesn't reset powers. Now I'm a head researcher at lexcorp and a multimillionaire because I know what companies to invest in, I've got 5 PHDs and I know some decent "future-tech" that's easy to build so I get noticed and hired. If I can learn how Supes' bones work then that'll mean I can create it and sell it during the next timeline as just an ordinary super material.

Where are you?
I CAN help.

they're not all good swaps, man. i was a martian last timeline.

Not falling for that trick again, Batgirl. Last time you did that, you kicked me the nuts so hard I can't have children anymore.

Batgirl?
I AM THE SAVIOR OF THE NEW WORLD
HENCH 4 LIFE
LET ME HELP YOU.

Oof. White or green?. But did you at least think far enoug ahead to study Martian tech? Their bio-tech is so far advanced that we can't recreate them from current Earth tech.

So if things are about to get reset is there a way of "prepping" for it? Like can some of the bigger magic bosses or even capes put some of us in a pocket or something? I just got through some personal shit unrelated to my work and I dont want to have to relive that or have it worse or end up being a diversity change to the universe's continuity.

we got a new thread migrate over there when ready
>

Dude, that's this thread. is the new thread.

You have helped enough thank you very much. That Red Hood asshole just burst into Cobblepot's, unloaded into everyone (I'm sitting behind a fish tank using a tablecloth as a tourniquet in this buckshot wound in my leg) and the asshole has Penguin trussed up like a fucking Christmas pig over the polar bear enclosure asking who "Hench 4 Life" is.

You kicked the proverbial hornet's nest.

And the new universe has already been created and people are being transported to it as we speak, totally unaware that it is even happening.

Well good luck in the new universe, because this one is about to get wiped.

Do the fucking supers even know about this shit, or is it only the henches who remember this?

New thread response over here.