>I’m white. I’m male. I’m heterosexual. I’m Christian. I’m conservative. I’m a Trump supporter. Which means I’m also grateful… Grateful Captain Marvel star Brie Larson only requested that I not review her movie when I know she’d prefer to request my murder.
So, as a compromise, this review is late, a week late, but Captain Marvel still sucked. It doesn’t Ghostbusters-remake suck. Rather, it sucks like Doctor Strange and that second Thor movie. It just kind of lies there in a purple puddle of uninspired but busy CGI; artless and simple.
>If Brie’s worried about this white, heterosexual male objectifying her, she needn’t. Her eyes are too close together, she has the jawline of the Lone Ranger, no ass, and fat toes. She is also a charisma-free zone. Sterile. Bland. No pop. No ha-cha-cha. None. Zippo. My loins would stir watching Gal Gadot kill my dog. Watching Brie Larson do anything is like watching your snooty sister gossip on the phone.
>Oliver Stone pushes a political agenda with bravura filmmaking, audacity, in-your-face posturing… Stone turns his ideology into magnificent art.
>Joseph Stalin pushed a political agenda by bleeding movies white.
>Captain Marvel is woke, but in the worst way, in the Stalin way where ideology triumphs art — actually it stomps art to death with a jackboot. You feel nothing. This is a movie made for mindless simpletons waiting for cheap “foot in your ass” applause lines.
>Brie Larson and Marvel are so afraid of the Woke Fascists, or so lost themselves in that mindless cult, we’re forced to spend two hours with a lead protagonist without vulnerabilities, zero sex appeal, and no character arc.
>She’s perfect — perfectly dull, the Beckiest Becky in all of Beckydom.
